Divorce ????

[Aimeedyan]

To those that expressed serious problems in their marriages, my heart goes to you... I hope, in time, you are each able to seek help from family and friends and leave your DH. NO ONE deserves to be abused and taken advantage of. NO ONE. My SIL was in an abusive marraige for 3.5 years before finally leaving for good... She is now recovering, as are the kids, and though she is struggling to pay hte bills each month adn relying heavily on family for support, she is finalyl FREE and HAPPY. Priceless, IMO.

OP, I think your lawyer in right in filing first. My mom did not do this and my dad filed without her knowing, AND took the liberty of hiding most of his money and assets from her. When it all came to a head, she KNEW the money existed but couldn't find it... he hid it all. I never in a million years would have thought my own dad would be so vicious, but he was. Things are better now, but she got screwed out of the house and money that she deserved. Listen to your lawyer and take their advice so things are FAIR in the end.

Good luck to you =)

 

[Serena]

I put up with a lot of stuff in my marriage. One thing you should never put up with is abuse. Never. Even if you don't think enough of yourself, even if you think it's only once, even if you love him and want to work things out. Think of what you are showing your kids.
The fact that he hit you, IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS, tells me a lot.

I'll tell you what I told my sister, get out of there as soon as you can. Figure out what to do after you and your children are out from under his influence.
My sister thought her husband had the right to rape her, hit her, ect. I don't know where she got that, but she did. I said anything and everything I could come up with to get her out of that house. I moved her in with me. After she moved in, I let her think and come to her own conclusions. I tried not to offer my opinions when she asked, because I didn't want to push either way. What happened with her life had to be up to her, but when she asked, I did tell her if she went back with him that her daughters were staying with me. It was her choice to be hurt, it wasn't the girls and I would do whatever it takes to prevent them from being hurt.

Take care of yourself, take control of your life, decide what you can put up with and what you can't. You deserve to be happy, at the very least, you and your children deserve to be safe.

 

[Scarlet O]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this hardship. I am just emerging from a very difficult winter during which I discovered that my husband was having an relationship with a DIS/DVC member. It has been the worst time of my life. The support of my family, friends and children have given me strength.
This being said, I have never experienced any physical abuse. It sounds as though you are doing all the right things to help yourself. I might recommend a book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans. Abusive people are manipulative and usually blame others for their actions. This book may give you some of the language you need to regain control of the situation. As far as your decision goes, you should try to take fear of being alone out of the equation and then weigh your options. I admire your strength of character. Someone once said, "Reputation is precious ...but character is priceless".
No one considers betrayal, physical, verbal, or otherwise, an admirable characteristic. Setting a good example for those around you never goes out of style.

And remember this "The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love their mother".

Hope some of this helps.

 

[Melora]

I went through a divorce in 1997. It was very hard because my ex did not want to get divorced but we had long since fallen out of love and his problems were escalating. He didnt work and didnt care.

I remember one day I had taken a long drive with my sister and was I crying and asking her what I should do and she said

"Melora, I want you to be happy..I know you're not happy now. I don't want this to be the same for you 5 years from now. If you dont do something right now nothing will change."

I really thought about that and realized that she was right. Situations have a way of continuing for years, unchanging until your whole life has slipped away. To anyone out there, unhappy, unloved, hurting.. change now before next year becomes last year and your life is gone. No matter how hard the change is, its never harder than keeping things the same when they are bad.

 

[niks81]

And remember this "The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love their mother".

I have never heard this before, but let me just say how true this statement really is.

I think somewhere on this thread someone mentioned that you need to try and remove the fear of being alone. I agree....you really need to focus on the things you need to do to make it. My mother was in the same position as you right now--and we survived it--on a very small salary even! There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Best of luck to you shelbyjosh Feel free to PM me

 

[shelbyjosh]

He told me last night that if it goes the D route, he will give up his 80K year job and make half that just so he doesn't have to pay me that big chunk. He says he works for me and the kids to give us everything we want and if he doesn't have us he doesn't need to work there anymore. Sounds like he would really try screwing me and that would force me to fall flat on my face. I am in a catch 22. Stay and try to work thru it or give it all up and have some happiness? He also suggested that I leave the kids with him in this house (since he can afford it all) and I move into something I would be able to afford. No way am I walking away from my kids. It will be a cold day in hell before I would abandon them. We were up till 2:30 talking about all this. The alarm at 6:40 came around too fast!! I am just so confused, scared, numb, etc. right now I don't know what to think or do.

 

[floridafam]

Well, now he knows you're thinking about it. He could file at any time.

You need to call a lawyer now. If you have any indication harm may come to you or your children, you need to call the authorities.

What is more important? Money or happiness for you and your children.

Keep a level head and prepare accordingly.

Call a lawyer, only confide in people who you trust, etc.

Keep communication open with your spouse. Try to determine if his threats are valid. Will he really quit his job? How much can you worry about that?

Good luck.

 

[floridafam]

By the way, you should be careful if you feel you have to.

Does he have access to your computer? Can he read this thread.

If you are still communicating, continue that. People panic when they think you've been talking to everyone else about divorce and not them.

 

[Princess_Aurora]

I get to see divorces almost every day since I work in court. I've never been through one, myself, but I've had two friends -- well, make that just one -- who have gone throught it. (The other one is still in the process.)

The best way to answer your original question is, if you've gone so far as to talk to a lawyer, you should start filing the papers ASAP. I don't think there's going to be a magical moment when you just "know" and if there was it would have been when he turned around and "slugged" you in the car. To me, I don't think there's any reason to try to work out a marriage where the spouse has been abusive. Even if it was, "only once" you never know when it's going to happen again. And if it happens again and you don't do anything, then he's going to think he can get away with it. Also keep in mind that the abuse doesn't have to be physical. Mental and verbal abuse is a good reason to get up and leave as well. Controling people can't be changed...no reason to waste time and money on couseling to figure that out. They may try to change, but it won't last long. You can't change somebody's personality no matter how hard you try...it's like trying to altar your DNA.

Going through a divorce, especially when there are kids involved, can take a long time. It's not fun for anyone. The best thing to do is to try to get it done as soon as you can. I've seen cases that have been ongoing for 8 years and up. People fighting over kids, people fighting over money, people that seem to be fighting just to fight. The best thing for everyone involved is to start the process and get it over with ASAP.

 

[shelbyjosh]

He has no desire to hop on my computer. He can't figure the darn thing out. I really am not worried about that aspect of it. It drives him up the wall when I am on the computer and he is watching tv. Like I want to sit there and watch him flip thru channels!! It is almost as if the computer is getting the attention he feels he needs. Sorry for rambling!!

If I could just hit the Lotto!!

 

[Princess_Aurora]

Originally posted by shelbyjosh
He told me last night that if it goes the D route, he will give up his 80K year job and make half that just so he doesn't have to pay me that big chunk. He says he works for me and the kids to give us everything we want and if he doesn't have us he doesn't need to work there anymore. Sounds like he would really try screwing me and that would force me to fall flat on my face. I am in a catch 22. Stay and try to work thru it or give it all up and have some happiness? He also suggested that I leave the kids with him in this house (since he can afford it all) and I move into something I would be able to afford. No way am I walking away from my kids. It will be a cold day in hell before I would abandon them. We were up till 2:30 talking about all this. The alarm at 6:40 came around too fast!! I am just so confused, scared, numb, etc. right now I don't know what to think or do.

I just read this part. You know what? Let him screw up his own life. He'll only make it hard on himself. Either way, he's going to have to be paying a certain percentage of his income in child support. If he's making half as much money, sure, that's less child support you'll be getting, but it's also less income he'll have to pay all his bills and buy the luxuries he's probably become acustomed to...even if he thinks he doesn't have any luxuries, there's something that he'll want to get one day but won't have the money to anymore.

When it comes to custody of the kids, it's best to make sure you can stand on your own two feet. The judge won't give custody to someone with no job and no place to live. So I agree with the person who said to get any kind of job you have and start a little nest egg. You'll probably have to get an apartment of your own so the judge will see you as capable of supporting the kids.

 

[Tiggeroo]

You really need to talk to an attorney. If you have been a SAHM, as he wanted also, and he has been abusive, he may have to help you to become self supporting. You should get the home until the kids are grown, or there should be a time period at which you will have to purchase his portion. As I said before, he may have to pay alimony while you get some education so that you can pay the bills. Before you take a minimum wage job talk to the lawyer. If he is abusive you shouldn't lose your kids because he has been able to spend these years pursuing his carreer while you took care of him the kids and the home.

 

[Antonia]

I have watched my nieces, eight and ten years old, try to live a normal life since the divorce of my brother and ex-wife.
If you could see some of the sad things my older niece has written in her journal, you would cry. Her teacher does cry when she reads it. My nieces long for an intact family.
My husband also has divorced parents. They divorced when he was an adult. He has not been the same since. It is hard to have divorced parents.
Holidays are never the same and if you are an under age child you are shuffled here and there according to the custody arrangement. Take it from me - an aunt watching her nieces grow. It is sad for them.
If I were you, I would do everything in my power to work it out and save your children's family. It is something that can never be replaced.

 

[Shelle&Dave]

I watched my parents go through this when I was 17. I wish they had ended their relationship sooner because it wasn't a fun house to live in.

I think you need to start making copies of any financial papers you can find. This is what my Mom did and she was thankful later. She copied tax returns, pay stubs, bank statements, bills etc. My Dad had them hidden between the mattress and box springs and thought she would never find them. When they went to court for their legal seperation my Dad claimed he made much less and spent much more on bills than he really did. My Mom's lawyer stood up and said that's not right and they had the papers to prove it. My Dad turned totally white. He always underestimated my Mom.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is a hard road to travel and it takes a strong person to do it. You sound like you are a very strong, smart, capable woman and I have faith that you can get through this and you will be a happier person.

Michelle

 

[floridafam]

It drives him up the wall when I am on the computer and he is watching tv

Just a suggestion.

Tonight. Turn off the computer. Turn off the TV. Talk to eachother. See if any good can come from a one on one conversation.

Good luck.

I agree with the poster who said to know where you stand financially. Write down all credit card numbers, their expiration dates and the security code on the back. Make copies of bills, checking/savings account statements, pay stubs, credit card bills, mortgage bills, etc.

If you can't access that information, then there is a problem. This should be openly communicated between spouses. If you start to notice red flags like a lot of stuff is in his name only, then make note of it.

You can't do this alone. Call an attorney.

Again, good luck.

 

[Ddoorryy]

 

[DisneyJules]

As a child of divorce, please exhaust every possibly venue in terms of doing everything you possibly can to make this marriage work. If you've done EVERYTHING and are certain this is the route to take, please make sure the kids don't ever have anything to do with the problems between your spouse and yourself. No bad mouthing dad and I'd hope your ex would do the same. I'm not saying you would, I don't even know you. I'm just speaking from experience and what I experienced as a child through my parents divorce. I have two loving parents but a mother who has just made some bad choices along the way in how to handle the divorce and us kids. I agree with Antonia, it is extremely hard for the children to go through a divorce, many are left with feelings of abandonment and experience anxiety from any changes in life and not to forget resentment.

 

[niks81]

If you've done EVERYTHING and are certain this is the route to take, please make sure the kids don't ever have anything to do with the problems between your spouse and yourself

AMEN!!!

I can't stress this enough. Leave your kids out of your problems...they are having a tough enough time growing up. Let them be kids and you can worry about the "adult" stuff. Don't bad mouth their father and hope that he doesn't do that to you either. And most importantly if you choose to go through with it, learn to forgive him for just being him LOL Seriously, it is important...if you can't forgive him for hurting you, you will be eaten on the inside out. You don't have to like him, but forgiving him for making life miserable will give you an inner peace. I saw this with my own mother, and what a difference it made.

"When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future. "

 

[niks81]

He told me last night that if it goes the D route, he will give up his 80K year job and make half that just so he doesn't have to pay me that big chunk. He says he works for me and the kids to give us everything we want and if he doesn't have us he doesn't need to work there anymore.

PLEASE! I'd like to call his bluff. As someone else noted, he would be the only one really losing out if he did this. Quitting a good job just so you don't get more money? That would be a really ignorant decision.

I am really sorry you are going through this. If you have exhausted all of your resources and really think you want to do it, you better file. If he is making claims that he will quit an 80K year job, he'll be trying to hide money and investments.

As someone else noted, it would be great if you could sit down and talk or something. As much as I want to tell you to try and work it out, I just can't because you were hit in front of your kids.

 

[Princess_Aurora]

Okay, I just have one more thing to say and then I'm done. I hear these people talking about their parents' divorce and how it hurt them. I just want to say you should also think about what not getting a divorce could do to them. Sometimes not getting a divorce makes it far worse for the kids. My parents were married until my dad died. I sure do wish they had gotten a divorce long before that though. I know you said there were no affairs involved or anything, but think of what happens if you do stay in a loveless marriage just for the kids. I'm pretty sure my parents fell out of love a real long time before he died. I don't ever recall him doing anything 'romantic' for her, never heard him say 'I love you' or anything. When I was a teen, it became VERY obvious that my dad was having an affair. When I was in HS, it became EXTREMELY obvious the he was having an affair with the mother of one of my fellow classmates. I got teased very heavily for it, and I'm probably scarred for life for having half of my class making fun of me every day because of it. My mom lived in denile. We're all sure she knew of my dad's affair(s). My aunt even told her that she saw my dad's car over at some lady's house (mind you this lady was known for being a bit of a "lady of the night") and she didn't want to hear of it.

I just wanted to throw that opinion out there. Even if it has hurt some kids to have to go through their parents' divorce, they don't know how bad it could have been if they actually stayed together. Sure divorce hurts, but there are times when staying together can cause a lot more harm.