Divorce

[LuvOrlando]

Rooting for you, hope things go ok for you and Mrs. Rockbro.

 

[littlejimmy]

dude: you just got done telling us she put your dogs down without you being able to say good bye, and she sent you a picture of her new boyfriend that she has been cheating on you with. and you are the one that made major concessions? its time to man up. take your skirt off. and move on without her. unless there are two sides to this story. hmmmmm

 

[Rockbro]

dude: you just got done telling us she put your dogs down without you being able to say good bye, and she sent you a picture of her new boyfriend that she has been cheating on you with. and you are the one that made major concessions? its time to man up. take your skirt off. and move on without her. unless there are two sides to this story. hmmmmm

There are not two sides. I just don't give up on people. And, yeah, perhaps I am being too forgiving, but she is my wife and we have been together for 14 years. I can't just let the relationship die without a fighting chance. At the very least, I want to get her mental health help. I'm no doctor, but I really think she is suffering from depression.

 

[Rockbro]

I'm going to back out of this thread. I feel like people are starting to not believe me and I don't want to post anything angry and get points. I'm going to move on to happier threads.

Again, thanks to all of you for your kind words and advice.

 

[RamblingMad]

There are not two sides. I just don't give up on people. And, yeah, perhaps I am being too forgiving, but she is my wife and we have been together for 14 years. I can't just let the relationship die without a fighting chance. At the very least, I want to get her mental health help. I'm no doctor, but I really think she is suffering from depression.

When I put my last dog down, I cried for a month. No idea how someone could easily put dogs down while suffering from depression. Putting them down without you would be my final straw. Maybe she is a sociopath.

 

[FigmentSpark]

There are not two sides. I just don't give up on people. And, yeah, perhaps I am being too forgiving, but she is my wife and we have been together for 14 years. I can't just let the relationship die without a fighting chance. At the very least, I want to get her mental health help. I'm no doctor, but I really think she is suffering from depression.

It's your marriage and your life. No one is living it but you. All the best to you and your wife. And the long drive.

 

[leebee]

@Rockbro For help and support, try the site below. There are great people there who've heard it all, been through it all, and will support you along the way. Best of luck, however it ends up.

survivinginfidelity.com

 

[VandVsmama]

You need to stay sober and deal with your own medical problems (i.e., the addiction you've mentioned in other threads) first. That should come first and the divorce vs. marriage issue will end up getting sort out in the process. Addiction is a serious disease. And if you were sick with a serious disease, like, let's say, influenza or COVID-19...something that can affect every major organ system in your body, can affect how your body handles stuff, can affect even how you think, etc., well...telling somebody with influenza or COVID-19 that you're going to just tough it out on your own and see how it goes?

People would tell you that might not be the wisest decision. You need medical care and a support network. Good luck. Wishing you all the best. Please take care of yourself. You need to get off of the merry-go-round.

 

[JimMIA]

I'm going to back out of this thread. I feel like people are starting to not believe me and I don't want to post anything angry and get points. I'm going to move on to happier threads.

Again, thanks to all of you for your kind words and advice.

Just know that you have two big, strong families behind you -- your brothers and sisters at work, and the DIS.

You can't read the wording on the police/breast cancer challenge coin in my avatar, but it says, "In this family, no one fights alone." I suspect you've heard that somewhere before.

 

[Starport Seven-Five]

There are not two sides. I just don't give up on people. And, yeah, perhaps I am being too forgiving, but she is my wife and we have been together for 14 years. I can't just let the relationship die without a fighting chance. At the very least, I want to get her mental health help. I'm no doctor, but I really think she is suffering from depression.

Please consider couples counseling as well. That will make it a "we" discussion instead of a "you" discussion and may improve results.

 

[sweetpeama]

I know that you have shared on other threads your location and that you have worked as a LEO. Please go see the chaplain at the jail in your area if nothing else for some counseling.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Wow. I couldn't imagine cheating on someone and sending pictures of the person I cheated with. What kind of a vindictive witch does someone have to be to do that? Personally, that really wouldn't work on me. I wouldn't be sad or glad or depressed or anything at that point. I'd be completely numb to the point where I'd just be glad to divorce her and be rid of her myself. But this is one of those things where one opinion is truly just as good as the next. There is no right answer any of us can just give you. You're going to have to do you on this one. Good luck. And I hope things work out for you.

 

[hertamaniac]

I learned the word paramour through my divorce. Just the visual of that person being with another was enough to make me nauseous. I decided then that I don't want to live my life with someone so weak.

 

[Allison]

I know you don't think there are 2 sides to this but your posting history shows that there very much is. That assumes those posts are accurate. Until you realize that I don't think you will make much progress and a cycle will continue.

 

[Rockbro]

I know that you have shared on other threads your location and that you have worked as a LEO. Please go see the chaplain at the jail in your area if nothing else for some counseling.

Ive been talking to a Lt Colonel in the army who is a Chap. He lived behind me when I was in South Carolina. Believe me, I'm taking steps. She has agreed to counseling and I said I would and we will do a third together. I'm tenacious. I think I'm getting her to very slowly come around .

And to those who think I'm being stupid or naive, she's my best friend, and everyone makes mistakes. If we never forgave anyone, we'd all hate one another.

 

[ScottOKW2K]

There are not two sides. I just don't give up on people. And, yeah, perhaps I am being too forgiving, but she is my wife and we have been together for 14 years. I can't just let the relationship die without a fighting chance. At the very least, I want to get her mental health help. I'm no doctor, but I really think she is suffering from depression.

I wish you luck. I know you want to heal the relationship, but ultimately it may not be up to you. Often when the partner ( usually female, about 70% to 80% of the time) states that he/she wants a divorce they have been thinking of this for years and their mind is fixed on that. That person will have so much invested into that decision that it will be unlikely for them to change. I know it hurts to the core to spend that many years with someone and then have this happen - mine was > 30 years when it went south.

She may likely be suffering from depression, but SHE has to be the one who wants help. You can support her but ultimately the only one who can "fix" her is herself. You need to be a supporter, but not an enabler. You also have to understand that even though she may suffer from depression that she is still ultimately responsible for her own decisions.

I would also suggest finding out if there is a DivorceCare group or meetings in your area. I know it helped me a lot in dealing with what I was going through. Just knowing that you're not alone in what you are going through helps lift some of the burden off your shoulders.

 

[Rockbro]

I wish you luck. I know you want to heal the relationship, but ultimately it may not be up to you. Often when the partner ( usually female, about 70% to 80% of the time) states that he/she wants a divorce they have been thinking of this for years and their mind is fixed on that. That person will have so much invested into that decision that it will be unlikely for them to change. I know it hurts to the core to spend that many years with someone and then have this happen - mine was > 30 years when it went south.

She may likely be suffering from depression, but SHE has to be the one who wants help. You can support her but ultimately the only one who can "fix" her is herself. You need to be a supporter, but not an enabler. You also have to understand that even though she may suffer from depression that she is still ultimately responsible for her own decisions.

I would also suggest finding out if there is a DivorceCare group or meetings in your area. I know it helped me a lot in dealing with what I was going through. Just knowing that you're not alone in what you are going through helps lift some of the burden off your shoulders.

I know I said I was pulling out of this thread... but can be difficult to do so . I know I'm not alone. I have a good mother, stepfather, and sister. We might be a thousand miles apart, but thank god for att&t. I'm feeling much better. I needed a few days and a pity party, but I'm figuring things out and formulating a plan. I just take a while to do so because I don't want to make a rash, bad decision. I like to think things out. In terms of shoulders, the weight is slowly lifting, but it is lifting.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

I left my abusive husband after nearly 15 years of marriage, believe me I know how hard it is to step away from a manipulative, abusive, mentally ill spouse. I think it was the hardest thing I've ever done--not the initial decision to leave because he made that very easy for me, but living with the consequences and learning how to be my own person. Fighting off his manipulation, ignoring his calls, and enduring all the bad-mouthing and gossip in our small town. My whole adult life had been all about him up until that point and I didn't have an identity anymore, it took me a full year to learn who I was.

But you know, every day that I ignored his manipulation and lived just for myself and my kids, I felt a little stronger. And the stronger I felt, the easier it was to be confident with myself; it became a cycle, like I was reversing the cycle of abuse. Eventually, I got to the point where I could look back and see what was really happening, and I couldn't imagine going back to that situation. So given what I've been through, I'm going to suggest that you try living for 2 days/a week/some small amount of time without considering her. Just live for yourself and don't listen to her, don't respond to her, don't worry about her--in my line of work we call this "extinction". Google "ABA therapy extinction", and then apply those principles. I think if you can try putting her on extinction for a bit it will give you some perspective on the situation. I wish you luck and I will pray for you both.

 

[goofyernmost]

There are not two sides. I just don't give up on people. And, yeah, perhaps I am being too forgiving, but she is my wife and we have been together for 14 years. I can't just let the relationship die without a fighting chance. At the very least, I want to get her mental health help. I'm no doctor, but I really think she is suffering from depression.

14 years? I had that happen (not with the dog part) but my wife left after 29 years. She was happier, I was happier, albeit a little hurt, she filed for divorce, I don't even remember the grounds, but it was mostly just her not wanting to be married anymore. She also had a mental illness and not to long after we divorced, she just kept getting worse and worse, not taking meds or advice from her support group and steadily went down hill over the next 15 years until she passed away after a stroke 16 years after our divorce. I started out hurt and angry, settled into complacent and accepting and even sympathetic at times. Now that she is gone completely I am sadder because I am alone in my old age, but it appears I would have been by now anyway. Massive numbers of emotions over the years. I was lucky that our marriage produced two wonderful daughters that I love very much and spend as much time with them as their busy schedule allows. I have grandchildren that text me just to find out how I am and that makes me feel good. Overall, in spite of the occasional loneliness, it was something that seemed bad at first, but now is obviously one of the best things that happened to me. Not something, of course, that I think should happen to anyone, but sometimes there is a golden border on the clouds we are given.

 

[Rockbro]

14 years? I had that happen (not with the dog part) but my wife left after 29 years. She was happier, I was happier, albeit a little hurt, she filed for divorce, I don't even remember the grounds, but it was mostly just her not wanting to be married anymore. She also had a mental illness and not to long after we divorced, she just kept getting worse and worse, not taking meds or advice from her support group and steadily went down hill over the next 15 years until she passed away after a stroke 16 years after our divorce. I started out hurt and angry, settled into complacent and accepting and even sympathetic at times. Now that she is gone completely I am sadder because I am alone in my old age, but it appears I would have been by now anyway. Massive numbers of emotions over the years. I was lucky that our marriage produced two wonderful daughters that I love very much and spend as much time with them as their busy schedule allows. I have grandchildren the text me just to find out how I am and that makes me feel good. Overall, in spite of the occasional loneliness, it was something that seemed bad at first, but now is obviously one of the best things that happened to me. Not something, of course, that I think should happen to anyone, but sometimes there is a golden border on the clouds we are given.

I'm sorry for your loss. She's considering coming home Wednesday if I meet her in Virgina and make half the drive here. I'm going to have to formulate a solid plan to win her back, but all I can really think of is to be kind. Luckily (or not so luckily), I have a literature review due on Sunday on early onset marijuana use and the impact on IQ and cognitive function. That should dull my brain for the weekend