Divorce, now what?

[Bonnie40]

Not taking sides here, but I have to wonder what's up with a poster who tells us her DH posted here about an issue when it was clear that she wrote the post herself. (She even refers to her DH and in-laws.) What else in this story is getting 'spun?' Just serves as a reminder for me that this is an anonymous board with all of the fabrications and biases that anonimity brings.

I have to agree...my guess is that the OP is huskerfamilyof5 and she was the author of that thread. Why say it was the husband? Makes absolutely no sense!

 

[cruellababy]

Yes, I find that disturbing as well. She made up a new name on this board claiming to be single and she has not even told her family about it.

The whole thing is BIZARRO!!! And more than disturbing- I also find it interesting about her complaints of the fact that her DH can't/won't hold/maintain job/carreers for 12+ years- if this isn't new behavior why have more than 1 kid with the guy? Sorry, but if that was me I wouldn't have had any more than 1 And it's just bothering her now?

 

[luvmy3]

The whole thing is BIZARRO!!! And more than disturbing- I also find it interesting about her complaints of the fact that her DH can't/won't hold/maintain job/carreers for 12+ years- if this isn't new behavior why have more than 1 kid with the guy? Sorry, but if that was me I wouldn't have had any more than 1 And it's just bothering her now?

Maybe in those 12+ years, the OP and her husband had tried to work things out. Maybe they stayed together and kept having children because they thought it was worth it and now the OP realizes that nothing has really changed. The OP is the only one on this thread that knows why she is getting a divorce and its none of our business why. If she feels its the right thing to do for her and her children, then its her decision to make. If there are people on here that don't wan't to offer your support then get the h-e- double sticks off this thread. (This is not directed to you cruellababy).

 

[Christine]

The whole thing is BIZARRO!!! And more than disturbing- I also find it interesting about her complaints of the fact that her DH can't/won't hold/maintain job/carreers for 12+ years- if this isn't new behavior why have more than 1 kid with the guy? Sorry, but if that was me I wouldn't have had any more than 1 And it's just bothering her now?

Do you really think life goes all that perfectly? Do you really think that 14 years ago, or even 10 years ago, the OP was at the same place she is now? Sometimes it takes YEARS to come to a conclusion or YEARS and YEARS to realize "I've had enough." Unfortunately, sometimes you just wake up one day and say "enough" or there is one more straw that breaks that camel's back. Maybe at times, she truly believed her husband would make good on his "dreams" and had as much hope has he did.

As for the poster who thinks the OP wants out because the husband "doesn't make enough money"--please, you aren't reading enough of what is being posted. I know there are some real shrew women out there who would probably leave a guy who was putting in an honest day's work and making a small amount of money, but most women would not do that if the guy was sincerely trying to hold a job.

This guy sounds as if he doesn't want to work for anyone, can't just be a "regular" employee, and wants it to be all or nothing. When you are married with 3 children, you can't do that anymore. When you've made a few tries at it and it doesn't work, you have to go out and get a real job and work on your dreams in your free time. You can't put the burden of the "real" job on one person for all those years. When she asks you to stop, you need to stop.

 

[PaulaSB12]

So a spouse should leave their children with a spouse that lies..cheats, or does drugs or beats them because they want to leave?? Tell me..what are you smoking??

If the husband is unhappy the wife he is expected to leave as far as I can see if the rest of the is happy and only one member is unhappy why should the rest have their lifes turned upside down for that one member? If you are unhappy in the relationship male or female then you be the one to leave but women expect it both ways so they always want the children. Oh this spouce is said not to do any of these things. Do you remember the poster whose friend decided after getting pregnant and marrying a man that she didn't find him sexually attractive? She left taking the child so because she was an idiot he was left with nothing but bills and every other weekend parenting pathetic.

 

[ols386]

I have come to the conclusion that I am ready to proceed with my divorce. I am now looking for an atty. Does anyone know how much I should expect to pay? I have three children, and do not expect to receive any payments other than child support?

I haven't told my husband or my children yet, I was waiting until the holidays were over, including my husband's birthday (the day after Christmas). I have sought counseling already and met with one attorney. I have even gone out and looked for an apartment, because there is no way I can keep up the house payments with my salary and child support alone.

If anyone has any words of support, I would appreciate it. I have talke with my friends and they have been very encouraging.

I hope everything works out for the best for you, your children, AND your husband. Divorce is a difficult thing for anyone to go through, especially the children. My best advise to you is that YOU are their mother, and have to do what is right for them and in their best interest.....ALWAYS. I'm glad that you seem to have a positive attitude toward the upcoming divorce, because it won't be easy. One thing to remember is, to take things slowly. Give youself and your children time to heal, and if you plan to ever start dating, DONT't do it anytime soon. You all need time to heal emotionally. Good Luck!!

 

[JoiseyMom]

If the husband is unhappy the wife he is expected to leave as far as I can see if the rest of the is happy and only one member is unhappy why should the rest have their lifes turned upside down for that one member? If you are unhappy in the relationship male or female then you be the one to leave but women expect it both ways so they always want the children. Oh this spouce is said not to do any of these things. Do you remember the poster whose friend decided after getting pregnant and marrying a man that she didn't find him sexually attractive? She left taking the child so because she was an idiot he was left with nothing but bills and every other weekend parenting pathetic.

Most of the time the father doesn't watn the kids. Just look at all the stats of them disappearing. If a person ins't happy they shouldn't stay in the marriage...it does no one any good. It makes everyone miserable..or makes one person so miserable...g-d knows what they will do. And if the other spouse wants the kids too..then that is what the courts are for. They decide who gets what..or joint custody..or however it shall fall. NO ONE should stay in an unhappy marriage just because they have kids.

Divorce is not a dirty word. And maybe some people use it too easily. I dobut that most people do that. It is too expensive and too difficult for everyone. The OP is unhappy..she has been married for 12 years adn he hasn't changed. How much more of her life should she sacrifce. Believe me...she and her kids will be better off and happier. THe DH might be happier also.

You really make no sense. It seems if it was up to you that divorce would be illlegal. If I went by your logic...then I would still be married to my ex and miserable. He lied...pathologically...he cheated..and couldn't hold a job. He was happy...he got someone to clean for him, cook for him..when there was no money for food..my mom would make sure there was food to eat and my babies had formula, food and diapers. Plus he got to go out and lie and cheat and screw around on me...what was not to be happy about for him??? So according to your butt-backward logic...since I was the only one unhappy..I should have left him, and left my babies with him?? Isn't that what your butt-backward logic is saying???

 

[JoiseyMom]

I have to agree...my guess is that the OP is huskerfamilyof5 and she was the author of that thread. Why say it was the husband? Makes absolutely no sense!

Maybe it is and maybe it isn't. Who cares?? Why do the people here feel they have to investigate and just rip people apart?

Why can't the just vent..what is wrong wtih the people here that they have nothing better to do then to judge and attack. How about being nice and supportive..or just shutting the freak up and going on to another thread

 

[JoiseyMom]

The whole thing is BIZARRO!!! And more than disturbing- I also find it interesting about her complaints of the fact that her DH can't/won't hold/maintain job/carreers for 12+ years- if this isn't new behavior why have more than 1 kid with the guy? Sorry, but if that was me I wouldn't have had any more than 1 And it's just bothering her now?

Ya know what...poop happens. I was in a bad marriage..and trying to make it work for the sake of my baby son. During this time I accidently got pregnant. Sorry...birth control isn't always 100% unless you just say no. Instead of leaving..I muddled through a pregancy and then when my youngest was 6 months old I called it quits. The best freaking move I ever made. Do you know how many times my kids saw their sperm donor...NOT ONCE. Once the divorce was final the scum bag disappeared. He owes me 21 years of child support, medical expenses, college expenses etc... He never called or sent 1 stinking penney. Do I regret not leaving sooner?? No...he donated sperm and made it possible for me to have to wonderful sons.

 

[Bonnie40]

Maybe it is and maybe it isn't. Who cares?? Why do the people here feel they have to investigate and just rip people apart?

Why can't the just vent..what is wrong wtih the people here that they have nothing better to do then to judge and attack. How about being nice and supportive..or just shutting the freak up and going on to another thread

Hey...I'm not judging or attacking the OP...I'm just commenting that the whole situation sounds odd and I would loooove to hear the husband's side of the story, because as you know, there are always two sides!

The OP's attitude toward her impending divorce just didn't sit right and now she's being called on it. She's received excellent advice as well as plenty of supportive comments.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

If the husband is unhappy the wife he is expected to leave as far as I can see if the rest of the is happy and only one member is unhappy why should the rest have their lifes turned upside down for that one member?

Some women (or men) do that and then get criticised for deserting their family.

Any time a parent leaves, assuming they're not abusive, etc, it turns the rest of the family upside down. No easy way to do the difficult. Besides the people directly involved in my situation, I don't know that anyone knows the whole story. I've never been pro-divorce, but started realizing about 5-6 years ago that I would indeed end up going that route. I coulda-would-shoulda done lots of things different, however I can't go back in time--can only move forward. I will not air my dirty laundry here, but suffice it to say that it's complicated, with no one person at fault and many factors influencing the collapse of the marriage. In many ways it is a lose/lose situation, with the kids paying a big price. This is one thing that kept me in the marriage for longer than I should have stayed.

 

[luvmy3]

The OP's attitude toward her impending divorce just didn't sit right and now she's being called on it. She's received excellent advice as well as plenty of supportive comments.

She's being called on her attitude concerning her divorce . When any of us walk a mile in the OP's shoes, and I don't mean some cheap knock offs, I mean HER shoes, then you can comment on whether or not her attitude sits right. Good grief, get over yourselves DISers (those who are "calling" her on it), you are not as perfect as you all like to think you are.

 

[angelmav]

She's being called on her attitude concerning her divorce . When any of us walk a mile in the OP's shoes, and I don't mean some cheap knock offs, I mean HER shoes, then you can comment on whether or not her attitude sits right. Good grief, get over yourselves DISers (those who are "calling" her on it), you are not as perfect as you all like to think you are.

Nobody asked 'single mom and loving it' to post here. Her post is either quite strange or didnt come off as intended.

I was probably too harsh in my criticism, however she certainly didnt deserve all the passes she received either. Divorce is a serious matter, and just based on what she posted, she didnt seem to be taking it all that serious.

There are plenty of women I know that view divorce as a way to 'move up' get what 'they deserve' and think of the children only in passing if at all or as a way to get back at their spouse.

Who know's what her motivations are, but to air it here and 'be happy about it' before even discussing it with the family is certainly discussion worthy. Theres nothing to be happy about. The tone was all wrong, the reasoning doesnt sit right and I hope that whoever this person is takes this more seriously than she has presented it here.

 

[Bonnie40]

Nobody asked 'single mom and loving it' to post here. Her post is either quite strange or didnt come off as intended.

I was probably too harsh in my criticism, however she certainly didnt deserve all the passes she received either. Divorce is a serious matter, and just based on what she posted, she didnt seem to be taking it all that serious.

There are plenty of women I know that view divorce as a way to 'move up' get what 'they deserve' and think of the children only in passing if at all or as a way to get back at their spouse.

Who know's what her motivations are, but to air it here and 'be happy about it' before even discussing it with the family is certainly discussion worthy. Theres nothing to be happy about. The tone was all wrong, the reasoning doesnt sit right and I hope that whoever this person is takes this more seriously than she has presented it here.

Well said!

 

[luvmy3]

Nobody asked 'single mom and loving it' to post here. Her post is either quite strange or didnt come off as intended.

I was probably too harsh in my criticism, however she certainly didnt deserve all the passes she received either. Divorce is a serious matter, and just based on what she posted, she didnt seem to be taking it all that serious.

There are plenty of women I know that view divorce as a way to 'move up' get what 'they deserve' and think of the children only in passing if at all or as a way to get back at their spouse.

Who know's what her motivations are, but to air it here and 'be happy about it' before even discussing it with the family is certainly discussion worthy. Theres nothing to be happy about. The tone was all wrong, the reasoning doesnt sit right and I hope that whoever this person is takes this more seriously than she has presented it here.

If you go back and re-read her OP then you will see she asked for any words of support. If you felt that she didn't deserve them, then you should have just left the thread and moved on. I just don't understand this need by many on this board to cut people down when all they asked for is alittle encouragement. You are well within your rights to feel the way you do about the OP and her situation, but why did you feel the need to post it here in a thread where she was looking for kind words about her situation

 

[angelmav]

If you go back and re-read her OP then you will see she asked for any words of support. If you felt that she didn't deserve them, then you should have just left the thread and moved on. I just don't understand this need by many on this board to cut people down when all they asked for is alittle encouragement. You are well within your rights to feel the way you do about the OP and her situation, but why did you feel the need to post it here in a thread where she was looking for kind words about her situation

Not only was her tone all wrong, but the replies were all to the point of 'you go girl!' Sorry, but sometimes people need a cold hard dose of reality, and if this is the only forum through which she is searching that out, then someone needs to call her on it. Not every behavior/decision deserves a pat on the back and an encouraging nod.

 

[luvmy3]

Not only was her tone all wrong, but the replies were all to the point of 'you go girl!' Sorry, but sometimes people need a cold hard dose of reality, and if this is the only forum through which she is searching that out, then someone needs to call her on it. Not every behavior/decision deserves a pat on the back and an encouraging nod.

Who are you to decide that she doesn't need a pat on the back.
I have seen people guilted into staying married because of people like you and guess what, everybody ends up miserable in the end.

Hey OP- YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!!

 

[KathyTX]

This thread has devolved to insults and namecalling, and it is closed.