As a woman who has recently gone through this situation you and your family have my deepest and heartfelt
for what is about to come your way!!!
My seperation/divorce blindsided me 15 months ago. I had no idea what he felt or what was in the works. He told me one day while the kids were at school, walked out leaving his wedding band on the dresser and never came back. He didn't even want to try to salvage the marriage and told me that point blank.
In April he filed for divorce. I sought an attorney before I even got served *ex did warn me that he had filed and I'd get served soon..which I have to say was nice*. My attorney charged $200 an hour and believe me they charge you for EVERYTHING. Postage stamps, a 2 second phone call, an email, they still charge you so my suggestion is get as much in order as you can for your first meeting and make the most out of that one.My attorney also required a retainer fee of $1500 that first day but that was "credit" until I ran out and then I'd pay him another retainer of $1500 and if I went over that one we'd go month to month until it was paid off. My final bill to my attorney was $3800.00
When I went to my attorney I took the paperwork that was filed by my ex with me. My attorney looked at it all, asked me many questions and then he said he'd take it from there and would get in touch with my ex's attorney. Months went by and I hadn't heard anything but I figured when it was time he'd call me.
At the end of July my attorney called me to inform me that they had found a mediator to take on our case so we didn't have to go to court and that if we started the mediation process and it wasn't working we weren't forced to continue down that path we could just say this isn't working and walk away.
The morning we were to meet with the mediator I was a mess. It was at my ex's attorney's office and thankfully I didn't have much to do with my ex. My attorney sat in 1 conference room and the ex and his sat in another. The mediator came, got statements from me and my attorney, went to my ex and got his statement from his attorney and my ex. Then it felt much like buying a new car. She'd go from me to him, from him to me. It took FOREVER that day but we finally agreed on it and my attorney asked me if I would be ok to go into a joint conference room where we'd all be there to sign. I said yes that's fine. We signed, I paid my 1/2 of the mediation fee *which was $1250.00 total from me*, they took copies of our drivers licenses and told our attorneys they would send them a copy to look over and then the attorney could send it to me. When that was done ex and I hugged each other, he thanked me for being so easy to work with as did I, I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and walked away a single mom of 3 kids.
My ex and I have a pretty good relationship. He was here at Christmas this year as we both thought our youngest still believed in Santa. He was here for about 1 1/2 hours and then that was it. The kids stayed with me, went to my parents for lunch and with their cousins and that' s it.
If you can do this divorce as friendly as possible you could probably do it with a mediator. When you start going to court and having a judge deal with it is when it becomes a sticky, pricey situation for both of you. I wanted to avoid court in case my kids became an issue but they didn't. Ex gave me sole custody of them and he gets visitation. For us I think it all worked out the best given the situation. Ex and I talk on the phone *it always has something to do with the kids or birthdays* but then we ask how the other one is doing.
While this process was not fun, easy or cheap for me *not speaking for my kids because for them I don't believe it is like it is for me* it has slowly become the best thing that could have happened to me as hard as it was. I am happier, love my job and am more thankful for my kids now than I was before we split.
The first while was really hard to be a single parent. Now I'm getting the hang of it. My kids are older like 15, 14 and 10 so at least I didn't have little ones. It's been really hard on them at times but I think now we are finally breathing a little bit better. My kids had nightmares, crying jags, sick because they didn't want to go to school. I had the school psychologists talk to them and that did help. They've said a few times that they are glad that we can be friendly and that we didn't yell in front of them or make them the "middle man" in our lives. So I guess that was good.
I've posted this many times here and other places but it's been such a help to me when I get down and sad:
A woman was at the bottom of a deep, deep hole. There seemed to be no way out. The sides were steep and jagged, with no way to climb. There was no tunnel, no "back door".
The woman cried out for help until she was hoarse.
Someone came by and peered down. "Help!" the woman cried. The bystander yelled, "Wow, that's really deep. Sorry you're down there."
Later on, a family member came by. "You are really embarrassing our family by being down in that hole. You need to pull yourself up out of there."
A pastor came by and said,"I will be praying for you to get out of that hole."
An Alcoholics Anonymous member came by and offered to lend his ladder with 12 steps to climb out, but it wouldn't reach.
Finally, in despair, the woman lay down to die. She heard a noise, and when she opened her eyes, there was another woman next to her.
"Why did you jump in here?" she cried. "Now you are stuck in here too!"
The woman smiled and took her hand. "I've been here before," she replied. "And I know the way out
Good luck to you and your family during this time. It will be a hellish ride at times for all of you!
Phins
