Divorce, now what?

[Singleminnie]

Thanks to all for your advice, sorry I have been off the computer for a while. Trying to get somethings done at work. When I tell him I am filing for a divorce, it will be not such a shock to him. I have told him numerous times this past year that I am not sure how much more I can take, and that things need to change, which the have not.

NO, there is no infedelity here, as far as I know. This issue is that he decided to start his own business (again!) and after a whole year, he has not made one cent. In the 14 years of marriage, he probably has attempted 12 different careers or enterpanuer projects as I like to call them. To the point where his parents have had to help us make the house payments for the last six months and we cancelled our big WDW trip at Christmas (which we had planned for over a year!). I finally got him to get a part-time job at a local hardware store a couple months ago, but he still does not make enough to pull his own weight. No, I don't expect him to make a six figure income, though he does have a bachelors degree in business and as assoc degree in surgical technology (which I paid for). I only would like him to make as much as I do. I am a professional (college degree) earning about $40,000 per year. I feel I will be able to support my girls (yes I plan on getting custody) on my own since I have basically been doing that already. Every time I have tried to talk to him, he says "You will never be happy." Well he is right, I have not been happy for a long time, but I know someday I will be whether alone or not.

I don't think he will fight for custody because he really never has been that involved in their lives. Most of the time he yells at them, which is another reason why I need out. That is another story in itself. I have a meeting set with my counselor to set down and tell the girls in a couple of weeks.

Twoeeyy, I would like to talk but I can't pm you yet, have to get 10 posts under my belt. Is there a way you can get my email address? I have had others do that. Yes, I have been on the Dis before under a different name, won't list that here, but am not scared that he will see because he posted a thread about his parents cancelling our WDW vaction with them and he got hammered by several posters and vowed not to return to this site. I have to say that I agreed with most of those posters.

For those of you who went through mediation, do you still need an atty? How does that work?

 

[Singleminnie]

To answer the OP... don't assume you'll have to hire a lawyer. The advice I got from a lawyer was to do what I can to avoid hiring one, which is the route that we're planning on taking. They can cost tens of thousands of dollars and in many cases a couple can work things out on their own or can go through mediation, which is what we're planning on doing. Neither of us want a costly, expensive divorce. In my situation it *could* come to that, but that's not how we're handling it.

It does seem that your husband is the person you should first be talking to. What if he learns about it here? I've made plenty of mistakes during this whole process...learn from some of them.

Sorry, you got pulled into this. As I said in my previous post, I don't believe he will read this. Can I ask you how divorce was brought up in conversation, was it you or him? If this is too personal, I am sorry.

 

[Christine]

NO, there is no infedelity here, as far as I know. This issue is that he decided to start his own business (again!) and after a whole year, he has not made one cent. In the 14 years of marriage, he probably has attempted 12 different careers or enterpanuer projects as I like to call them. To the point where his parents have had to help us make the house payments for the last six months and we cancelled our big WDW trip at Christmas (which we had planned for over a year!). I finally got him to get a part-time job at a local hardware store a couple months ago, but he still does not make enough to pull his own weight. No, I don't expect him to make a six figure income, though he does have a bachelors degree in business and as assoc degree in surgical technology (which I paid for). I only would like him to make as much as I do. I am a professional (college degree) earning about $40,000 per year.

Just to let you know, a good friend of mine divorced her husband of over 25 years for just about the exact same reasons. After he got out of the military, he would just never "get" with a career even though he was perfectly capable and smart. She dealt with it for a long while, supporting the family and trying to be supportive of him. Things just continued to spiral out of control financially and he just wouldn't do anything. And the things he did do NEVER made any money (he also started his own business several times which also ended up in a loss). After many ultimatums, tons of counseling, she just realized she couldn't take it anymore. She has been divorced for a year now, is STILL digging out of the financial mess he has left her, but she is so happy it is unbelievable.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

That's sad.

Tell me about it. We do what we can on our end. My 18yo nephew is going to go live with my brother. He has not decided when.

This is his stepson, however my brother did legally adopt him.

Bad part is he is leaving his autistic brother who is 7 and other brother who is 6 behind with no protection from him.

However my nephew was suicidal for awhile and he is better but it is scary. It just kills us.

OP good luck to you. Sounds like an awful place to be.

 

[quasar4legs]

Hope you can all find a sense of peace and happiness.

Trish

 

[phinsphan]

Thanks to all for your advice, sorry I have been off the computer for a while. Trying to get somethings done at work. When I tell him I am filing for a divorce, it will be not such a shock to him. I have told him numerous times this past year that I am not sure how much more I can take, and that things need to change, which the have not.

NO, there is no infedelity here, as far as I know. This issue is that he decided to start his own business (again!) and after a whole year, he has not made one cent. In the 14 years of marriage, he probably has attempted 12 different careers or enterpanuer projects as I like to call them. To the point where his parents have had to help us make the house payments for the last six months and we cancelled our big WDW trip at Christmas (which we had planned for over a year!). I finally got him to get a part-time job at a local hardware store a couple months ago, but he still does not make enough to pull his own weight. No, I don't expect him to make a six figure income, though he does have a bachelors degree in business and as assoc degree in surgical technology (which I paid for). I only would like him to make as much as I do. I am a professional (college degree) earning about $40,000 per year. I feel I will be able to support my girls (yes I plan on getting custody) on my own since I have basically been doing that already. Every time I have tried to talk to him, he says "You will never be happy." Well he is right, I have not been happy for a long time, but I know someday I will be whether alone or not.

I don't think he will fight for custody because he really never has been that involved in their lives. Most of the time he yells at them, which is another reason why I need out. That is another story in itself. I have a meeting set with my counselor to set down and tell the girls in a couple of weeks.

Twoeeyy, I would like to talk but I can't pm you yet, have to get 10 posts under my belt. Is there a way you can get my email address? I have had others do that. Yes, I have been on the Dis before under a different name, won't list that here, but am not scared that he will see because he posted a thread about his parents cancelling our WDW vaction with them and he got hammered by several posters and vowed not to return to this site. I have to say that I agreed with most of those posters.

For those of you who went through mediation, do you still need an atty? How does that work?

My ex hit me with a ton of bricks when he told me. We were due to go out of town very soon with a bunch of friends. Kinda messed that up that day. Anyway I know how you feel. I lived with owning our own business, ending up in major debt and still having no idea how to cope. He decided to get his act together, got a great career, started making great money, had affair after affair after affair on me and then left me.

As for the mediation thing........it's my understanding that you don't NEED to have an attorney present but it would be wise. I know for me it was good I did or I might have ended up being screwed in the deal and not even knowing it. Think of a mediator as a less expensive, faster judge. They hear both sides and try to get you both to work things out for the best of both of you. I was glad I had an attorney but at least here you dont HAVE to have one.

Please pm me if you need to. I've been somewhat where you are *though I was the one who was left* but I have kids and know how it feels. I was devastated so I cant speak for how you feel but I understand it. I never had any idea I was so unhappy until my divorce was final. Of course now my ex is regretting his decision and I revel in it!
Phins

 

[cruellababy]

OP- let me get this straight- you're divorcing him because he doesn't make enough $$$; that he has no career motivations etc? I thought it was for better or worse-there are no guarantees that sometimes it might be worse for a while. So, you're ok with ripping you're kids lives apart because of that? Flame suit on...

 

[angelmav]

Thanks to all for your advice, sorry I have been off the computer for a while. Trying to get somethings done at work. When I tell him I am filing for a divorce, it will be not such a shock to him. I have told him numerous times this past year that I am not sure how much more I can take, and that things need to change, which the have not.

NO, there is no infedelity here, as far as I know. This issue is that he decided to start his own business (again!) and after a whole year, he has not made one cent. In the 14 years of marriage, he probably has attempted 12 different careers or enterpanuer projects as I like to call them. To the point where his parents have had to help us make the house payments for the last six months and we cancelled our big WDW trip at Christmas (which we had planned for over a year!). I finally got him to get a part-time job at a local hardware store a couple months ago, but he still does not make enough to pull his own weight. No, I don't expect him to make a six figure income, though he does have a bachelors degree in business and as assoc degree in surgical technology (which I paid for). I only would like him to make as much as I do. I am a professional (college degree) earning about $40,000 per year. I feel I will be able to support my girls (yes I plan on getting custody) on my own since I have basically been doing that already. Every time I have tried to talk to him, he says "You will never be happy." Well he is right, I have not been happy for a long time, but I know someday I will be whether alone or not.

Mommy Why did you divorce daddy? He didnt make enough money for me and wouldnt take us to Disney world!

Way to honor those vows! Im sure youll find that rich man you think you deserve and can send the right signal to your children about whats most important in life.

 

[DreamDelta]

I have come to the conclusion that I am ready to proceed with my divorce. I am now looking for an atty. Does anyone know how much I should expect to pay? I have three children, and do not expect to receive any payments other than child support?

I haven't told my husband or my children yet, I was waiting until the holidays were over, including my husband's birthday (the day after Christmas). I have sought counseling already and met with one attorney. I have even gone out and looked for an apartment, because there is no way I can keep up the house payments with my salary and child support alone.

If anyone has any words of support, I would appreciate it. I have talke with my friends and they have been very encouraging.

I've been going through a divorce for over two years and the end is finally in sight! I have two children and their father is being a real jerk about EVERYTHING! I've spent about $10,000 and he is fighting me tooth and nail about EVERYTHING! He's ticked off about paying child support and buying me out of our condo....

But he hasn't broken me like he wants to. You can get through this and remember that you're doing what's best for you. If you're not ok, then your kids can be negatively affected.

PM me if you need to chat! Good luck to ya!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Sorry, you got pulled into this. As I said in my previous post, I don't believe he will read this. Can I ask you how divorce was brought up in conversation, was it you or him? If this is too personal, I am sorry.

Once you're able to PM I'll explain.

Tell me about it. We do what we can on our end. My 18yo nephew is going to go live with my brother. He has not decided when.

This is his stepson, however my brother did legally adopt him.

Bad part is he is leaving his autistic brother who is 7 and other brother who is 6 behind with no protection from him.

However my nephew was suicidal for awhile and he is better but it is scary. It just kills us.

I'm sorry. That really stinks.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Mommy Why did you divorce daddy? He didnt make enough money for me and wouldnt take us to Disney world!

Way to honor those vows! Im sure youll find that rich man you think you deserve and can send the right signal to your children about whats most important in life.

OMG...you are nuts. Do you have any idea what this women is going through?? She is married to a man that doesn';t want to be a husband. Part of being a husband is being a partner..as in sharing in the kids, and taking care of the family. This man (I use the term loosely) is not doing those things. He can't or won't hold a job and he doesn't help with the kids. He is not holding up his end. She has obviously spoken to him about it over the years..and he obviously doens't care. It's not like he is home being a DAD..he is out there playing at well lets try this..lets try that. There comes a time and a person HAS to GROW up and face reality and either take care of his kids or support his family. He is doing neither. She is being mom and dad and provider for her kids. She may as well be single!! I am sure there are plenty of other things he isn't doing. She doesn't want a third child. She got married to SHARE her life with a PARTNER. He isn't doing those things. She has every right to leave!!

And for better or worse?? So a women should stay with a man who cheats or beats her??? She is supposed to take the worst and be a doormat just because of vows.

GET REAL!!!!!

 

[phinsphan]

OP- let me get this straight- you're divorcing him because he doesn't make enough $$$; that he has no career motivations etc? I thought it was for better or worse-there are no guarantees that sometimes it might be worse for a while. So, you're ok with ripping you're kids lives apart because of that? Flame suit on...

Mommy Why did you divorce daddy? He didnt make enough money for me and wouldnt take us to Disney world!

Way to honor those vows! Im sure youll find that rich man you think you deserve and can send the right signal to your children about whats most important in life.

I hope you are both so PERFECT and NEVER EVER EVER EVER have to go through this. My ex threw away our marriage for something that wasn't perfect nor could it be.
Divorce is NOT pretty and is very sad. It isn't just about money but if you haven't been there you won't understand. It's about happiness, stability and love and if it isn't there..........it isnt there. I dont fault my ex NOW for his decision but then again he keeps wanting to insinuate reconciliation which won't happen.

Don't judge unless you've been there!! That's all!
phins

 

[Gagirl69]

I am so sorry to hear what some of you have been through. I've been married almost 20 years. I hope I never have to experience going through a divorce.
One thing I've learned is NEVER to judge anyone else. To the ones that are making harsh comments, you never know when you will be in the same situation.
to the OP and Phinsphan. I wish both of you the best.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Mommy Why did you divorce daddy? He didnt make enough money for me and wouldnt take us to Disney world!

Way to honor those vows! Im sure youll find that rich man you think you deserve and can send the right signal to your children about whats most important in life.

She didn't say she is looking for a rich man. She said she is looking for a man who can at least help support his family by obtaining, or at least trying to obtain a decent job instead of chasing failed dream after failed dream. She is looking for a a man who is involved with his kids and doesn't yell at them all the time.

Where I live 40K a year is not "rich". It's pretty standard. I can't imagine being married to or seriously involved with someone for 14 years who was constantly making much less than that and refused to suck in their pride for a while and get a less than stellar job to pay the bills and support their kids.

I don't think it has to do with his money. I think from the sounds of it it has to do with ongoing issues with motivation, and drive and interest in his family.

 

[perla75]

I agree. Maybe he cheated on her or is using illegal drugs or something like that. There are many reasons I can see where I would not be interested in "working it out." Lying, cheating, stealing, and using illegal drugs are a few of those reasons.

Or maybe they just fell out of love. I am a firm believer that if you are not happy, you should not stay & continue to be unhappy for the rest of your life. Life is too short....

I am so sorry for the OP, but I think she is very brave and strong for making this very difficult decision.

 

[monsterkitty]

OP- let me get this straight- you're divorcing him because he doesn't make enough $$$; that he has no career motivations etc? I thought it was for better or worse-there are no guarantees that sometimes it might be worse for a while. So, you're ok with ripping you're kids lives apart because of that? Flame suit on...

Mommy Why did you divorce daddy? He didnt make enough money for me and wouldnt take us to Disney world!

Way to honor those vows! Im sure youll find that rich man you think you deserve and can send the right signal to your children about whats most important in life.

The OP explains that is isn't just about money:

I don't think he will fight for custody because he really never has been that involved in their lives. Most of the time he yells at them, which is another reason why I need out. That is another story in itself. I have a meeting set with my counselor to set down and tell the girls in a couple of weeks.

Yelling at the kids is not healthy for them or anyone else. I was so glad when my parents divorced because I didn't have to listen to my dad yell at me every day.

 

[perla75]

OP- let me get this straight- you're divorcing him because he doesn't make enough $$$; that he has no career motivations etc? I thought it was for better or worse-there are no guarantees that sometimes it might be worse for a while. So, you're ok with ripping you're kids lives apart because of that? Flame suit on...

Yes, you should have your flame suit on-that was a cruel and judgmental comment from someone who doesn't even know the situation.

As I stated before-no one should have to live in an unhappy life when they have the option to make it better. & if you are an unhappy wife, how can you expect to be a happy mom? Maybe it IS her kids she is looking out for by going through with the divorce My DF's parents got divorced when he was young-best thing that ever could have happened to those kids. He has a great mom & divorce transformed her family from an unhappy one to the most loving & nurturing those kids had ever known.

All situations are different. The OP clearly thought about this for a long time & knows she is making the best decision FOR her family.

 

[Bluestars]

Or maybe they just fell out of love. I am a firm believer that if you are not happy, you should not stay & continue to be unhappy for the rest of your life. Life is too short....

I am so sorry for the OP, but I think she is very brave and strong for making this very difficult decision.

Oh, I agree with that too. I don't think a person should be in a miserable marriage for the rest of his or her life just because there are children involved.

The words "I do" should not be meant to condemn a person to a life of misery. I think most people go through a lot of inner turmoil before deciding to get a divorce. The reason is none of anyone else's business.

 

[S. C.]

I have come to the conclusion that I am ready to proceed with my divorce. I am now looking for an atty. Does anyone know how much I should expect to pay? I have three children, and do not expect to receive any payments other than child support?

I haven't told my husband or my children yet, I was waiting until the holidays were over, including my husband's birthday (the day after Christmas). I have sought counseling already and met with one attorney. I have even gone out and looked for an apartment, because there is no way I can keep up the house payments with my salary and child support alone.

If anyone has any words of support, I would appreciate it. I have talke with my friends and they have been very encouraging.

Is that your children in your Avatar?

 

[angelmav]

You people will excuse and apologize for anyone. Its systematic of whats wrong with America today.

She admits she's not happy that her husband doesnt make the same kind of money she does. Guess I missed that vow.

She only throws in the 'he yells at the kids' in passing. Heaven forbid a father be allowed to discipline his children.

People like the OP make the soon to be divorced spouse out to be the bad guy/girl all the time so they can feel justified in there own actions. One of the many reasons that the kids get pulled in all sorts of unnecessary directions.

Sorry I dont feel the need to cater to the sympathetic whining of a woman who is 'newly divorced and ecstatic about it' and feels the need to tell the dis world before approaching her own family on the subject.