Divorce Dilemma

[Fairy Mom]

I'm at a very unfortunate time in my life...My husband wants a divorce. I know that you are all just my Disboards friends, but some of you may be able to ease some of the stress.

To bring you up to speed, my husband has left myself and daughter.

Honestly, neither of us can afford a divorce. I am currently looking for a job. While I wanted to work on our marriage...He has obviously has chosen another path.

We do have debt...I make all the payments and there is very little money left at the end of the month.

What are my options??? Stop making house payments? Stop paying credit card bills? I have never consider these options before.

I just do not know what to do.

 

[homercrispy]

i am sorry to see your post. the advice i can offer is the same advice i give to people about many problems.

talk to someone who has had the same problem, or someone is in knowledgeable in the field.

talk to a divorce lawyer, or to a financial advisor, or a person in your church if you go. the important thing is that many people have gone thru the same situation as you are now facing, and they will be to give appropriate advice.

good luck.

 

[pyrxtc]

1 piece of advice, if he decides to hire a lawyer, tell him as part of the settlement that he needs to pay a lawyer for you too. Don't represent yourself.

 

[njmom47]

Instead of an attorney, do your courts have mediators? We both had attorneys, but did mediation through them before we went in front of the judge. I do agree though, try and get him to pay for your attorney as well if that's what you choose. Child support/alimony through the courts (although alimony is taxable income, cs is not) that way he is legally responsible and you have recourse if he does not pay.
I also found support in places I never knew existed; from people who I didn't know were my friends, churches, and we are not church people (food pantry and holiday help), and relatives (helped out financially as well as with my dds).
You may also be surprised at how strong you can be....especially when it comes to protecting your daughter. I was not a strong person at all, but found strength within myself to keep going because of my dds. To this day I am still that strong person...I never thought I would be.

 

[disneymarie]

Find out what his new passion is then find an attorney to wake him up. He can not just walk out on obligations as debt, mortgage, etc.
If you have information to object to a no fault divorce, (the new person, opps, passion) and then have the attorney sue for support, alimony, and your divorce attorney,

Go to the domestic relations in your court for the document to file for support, and alimony pendent e. This will start to the day you file so do it asap. You do not need an attorney.

You will say it is not another woman...believe me, there is always another woman to do his cleaning, split rent, make his meals lined up.
More then likely some of common friends had some idea and this is not a shock.

Maybe because I am a PI and it is always the same ol' to me....Even on the DIS forum.
I remember last Valentine's day a charge on a credit card for what they thought was their gift. It was the tip that something stuck in Denmark.

If you need friends support, Dis friends are here. Many have ideas how to start over and that is certainly budget and emotional.
di

 

[Pixie Princess]

First, Fairy Mom I have been in your shoes. Like you, I was left with the rent, car, utilities and usual bills, and then b/c my ex had been at home with our dd, daycare was now thrown in the mix. More month than money for sure. I cut off the cable, the home phone and internet service, and I didn't like it but I quit paying credit card bills. Every dime I had went to keeping a roof over our heads, food on the table, and gas in the car so I could get to work.

As I said, it wasn't a decision I was fond of making, and the laws regarding credit have changed since then. Before doing this I would really scrutinize where my money is going, seeking outside advice if you feel you need it. Some churches will have classes in budgeting and financial. I have a friend that went through a Dave Ramsey program after her divorce, and swears by it. (She wasn't quite in the same financial boat, but she and her ex had a lot of debt that fell to her b/c she was the bread winner.) Crown Financial Ministries has some free tracking sheets and calculators on their website you can use. There are also credit counseling agencies that will sit down with you and go through your expenses and help you create a budget for free or very little money. You just have to be careful because there are shady operators in this area out there.

As for the divorce, the laws or so different from state to state I don't know what to tell you. Plus it gets more complicated the more assets you have, and with children. As another poster said, if he gets a lawyer, be sure to get yourself one as well.

I'd also like to echo some of what the other posters have said; you'll be amazed at how many people you can find that have been throught what you're going through, and you'll be suprised at the support that will be there for you. I know it seems like the world is collapsing on you, and you are compeltely alone, but you arent', and you will make it through this. As njmom47 said, you'll be suprised at the strength you will find you have.

 

[LAH LAH]

I went through this 6 years ago, never saw it coming.



I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

My only suggestion is if he gets a lawyer get a better one. I had a high end lawyer and my ex had a general run of the mill one...I came out way on top.

Good luck!

 

[cglaura]

Get a lawyer.

Do not stop paying the house bill. Last thing you need is to go through a foreclosure or eviction in all this.

While I don't advocate not paying a debt, the credit card would be the last thing on my list to pay out of the living expenses, but above cable or high cost cell phone plans.

This would be my order:

1. House
2. Electric/Gas/Heat
3. Food
4. Insurance
5. Car payment if you have one.
6. Either Landline Phone or Cell phone (you need at least one). See if you can reduce the plan on them. Cancel one or the other if you can get by with only one.
7. Credit Cards
8. Cable if you have it...get rid of any high$ package plan.

If you need help with electric, heating or food, go to your local assistance authority and apply now.

Don't be ashamed or afraid to ask family and friends for help.

 

[mjkacmom]

You will say it is not another woman...believe me, there is always another woman to do his cleaning, split rent, make his meals lined up.
More then likely some of common friends had some idea and this is not a shock.
.
di

I have never know a man to leave his family without having another woman. Ever. OP, I think you need to meet with a lawyer, and friend-up.

 

[Mom of 3 Princesses]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am sorry to hear about this stressful time in your life. I clicked on your link cause I have been divorced for 8 years and was still having to deal with my xhusband this past weekend.

I have learned A LOT of the past few years.

#1. Get a lawyer, get a lawyer, get a lawyer, get a lawyer.
Mediators are usually used by lawyers before going to court. So you do not have to waste your time looking for one.

#2 Get a Lawyer. Get a lawyer for your finances and to handle the custody situation with your child.. AS WELL AS child support

#3 No matter how amicable or how much you think that you can work it out between yourselves GET A LAWYER!

#4. Go see social services, state mandated child support is something they take VERY seriously. GET IT! They can sometimes help pay for a lawyer because your money is tight. AND YES, they will help. You are a single mom, your husband left you, you are paying all the bills..etc. They are there to make sure that he does not get away without taking on his responsibility.

#5. GET A LAWYER!

I have two girls. My XH and I have tried to make things work just between us. There have been many many instances where I have realized that not getting a lawyer and taking care of business from the beginning was the stupidist thing I have ever done.

Good lucks and Much Hugs coming your way!!

 

[lost*in*cyberspace]

GET an attorney immediately. You cannot afford not to.

 

[sydneysmom]

wow, I am so sorry you're having to go through this. I too went through this 6 years ago and yes, never saw it coming. My ex told me ON THE PHONE on my way home from work that "he just decided that he didn't love me anymore and he needed to be true to himself." Holy crap. It was like the world fell out from under me. So I know how devastated you must be.

I was very fortunate because I had to great things happen the night he left. HIS father told me to go online and move all our money into one account in my name only. that way, all house expenses were paid while this was going on. He also told me to change the locks on the house. I did both that night and I'm grateful to him for the advice he gave me.

My best friend went w/ me to the lawyer, which was good because I couldn't hold a thought in my head to save my life. The lawyer told me to keep a journal of expenses.... that when the time came to "split anything" in savings, all expenses paid would come out of that sum first.

Long story short, I had an excellent lawyer. ( he did not) Another thing my lawyer told me to do was NOT give up our computer to him. I thought that was odd until we found all the evidence of what he was doing. Computer dating, etc..... so then we filed under adultery. Well, this lit a fire because he did not want that stigma or me going after his mistress for anything. ( In Mississippi you can charge the person having the affair w/ loss of affection from your spouse...something like that). Well, my ex didn't want his honey dragged into anything. So he gave me a divorce, didn't want any of the savings or the house. He tried to take my dogs but I told him that all bets were off and we were going to court. I've got my dogs.

One thing that's very difficult to do now, but you have to, is keep your wits about you. Don't fall into the "well he's not like that" or "well, he's being so nice right now". You have to remember, people will do what they have to do. And he's going to do what he has to do....SO MUST YOU. I truly don't mean to sound so pessimistic, but the first thing my lawyer told me was "you never know the person you married until you divorce them". Let me tell you, truer words were never spoken.

Please stay strong......keep paying your bills so that your credit doesn't falter through this process. Most of all, be a friend to yourself, and know that you are not alone. We all can't be there in person, but we are with you in spirit.

 

[nuke]

Sorry to hear this. I am going through the same thing right now. He decided that it would be more fun to run around with other married women than stay and work on our marriage.
After a few months of big time tension I asked him to move out. We are amicable to one another and have split the debt 50/50. He is paying me child support and neither of us have filed for divorce yet. My concern is our son and as long as he is treating him right and supporting him then I'm in no hurry to file. It's actually in my advantage to stay married as I can stay on his insurance until we are divorced.
I did talk to an attorney within a week of finding out about his cheating. I wanted advice on what to do and got a lot of good advice from her. I suggest you ask friends and family for recommendations and at least talk to one asap. I did not pay a penny for my consultation and can tell you that when I do file I will use her even if she is expensive. Plus she had Mickey Mouse all over her office.

Stay strong. It's hard. Emotionally I'm a wreck some days but I have to put on a good front and keep moving forward. Every day is a little better than the one before.

 

[ccgirl]

So sorry you have to go through this. Unfortunately, I have several friends that have gone thru divorce. Surprisingly, most did not hire lawyers. They went in and in MA there is what is called the "lawyer of the day". They will help you fill in all paperwork. Most of my friends were able to support themselves and their children so they did not want to stick it to their ex's; just get what was fair. There should be an online calculation with your state's child support website that lists how much he should pay for child support. Depending on the results, you may need to sell the house. Start a formal payment plan in place immediately so you don't get too far behind on the bills. MA is a no fault state so it doesn't matter why the divorce is being seeked. States vary so much though. Good luck.

 

[tweedlemom]

 

[ctinct]

wow, I am so sorry you're having to go through this. I too went through this 6 years ago and yes, never saw it coming. My ex told me ON THE PHONE on my way home from work that "he just decided that he didn't love me anymore and he needed to be true to himself." Holy crap. It was like the world fell out from under me. So I know how devastated you must be.

I was very fortunate because I had to great things happen the night he left. HIS father told me to go online and move all our money into one account in my name only. that way, all house expenses were paid while this was going on. He also told me to change the locks on the house. I did both that night and I'm grateful to him for the advice he gave me.

My best friend went w/ me to the lawyer, which was good because I couldn't hold a thought in my head to save my life. The lawyer told me to keep a journal of expenses.... that when the time came to "split anything" in savings, all expenses paid would come out of that sum first.

Long story short, I had an excellent lawyer. ( he did not) Another thing my lawyer told me to do was NOT give up our computer to him. I thought that was odd until we found all the evidence of what he was doing. Computer dating, etc..... so then we filed under adultery. Well, this lit a fire because he did not want that stigma or me going after his mistress for anything. ( In Mississippi you can charge the person having the affair w/ loss of affection from your spouse...something like that). Well, my ex didn't want his honey dragged into anything. So he gave me a divorce, didn't want any of the savings or the house. He tried to take my dogs but I told him that all bets were off and we were going to court. I've got my dogs.

One thing that's very difficult to do now, but you have to, is keep your wits about you. Don't fall into the "well he's not like that" or "well, he's being so nice right now". You have to remember, people will do what they have to do. And he's going to do what he has to do....SO MUST YOU. I truly don't mean to sound so pessimistic, but the first thing my lawyer told me was "you never know the person you married until you divorce them". Let me tell you, truer words were never spoken.

Please stay strong......keep paying your bills so that your credit doesn't falter through this process. Most of all, be a friend to yourself, and know that you are not alone. We all can't be there in person, but we are with you in spirit.

Excellent advice. I have seen firsthand and from watching others that ex may be nice at first, but oh boy, that changes. Try to get used to doing for yourself. (My ex used to come shovel the driveway, etc. It was guilt. He got over it.)

Be sure to touch only the money that is in both your names. Don't feel bad about doing this, because if you don't grab it, he will. I would not SPEND it until I talked to a lawyer, but just move it to an account in your name only. I learned that one the hard way. Ex drained accounts that were in both our names. BTW, I wish CT had laws like Mississipi. No fault, my gluteus maximus!

Take care. It's awful, I know, but you WILL get through it.

 

[EllenFrasier]

I know in some states if the child is a minor and a parent moves out, it is considered abandonment. You might want to check with your lawyer about that.

 

[Judique]

wow, I am so sorry you're having to go through this. I too went through this 6 years ago and yes, never saw it coming. My ex told me ON THE PHONE on my way home from work that "he just decided that he didn't love me anymore and he needed to be true to himself." Holy crap. It was like the world fell out from under me. So I know how devastated you must be.

I heard 'I still love you but I'm not in love with you anymore.' What the h***? A couple of weeks later I found out about the office romance. Everyone knew but me.

This to shall pass.

Time heals.

Now is when he's feeling the most guilty.

Get it sorted out now.

My ex was listening to me, not the other woman during this time, and I told him exactly what we needed with the help of an attorney.

Not to stick it to him as someone mentioned, but because we had children who did not need their lives disrupted by someones temporary infatuation.

I moved on and he just got married for the third time.....

 

[sl_underwood]

I work for a social service organization and I second getting a lawyer. My state has lawyers available just for this that are income based. I would look into this. I also would look into any other assistance you can get right now just to ensure that both you and your child have a roof over your head, utilities, and food. This will take some of the stress off you while you get your bearings. The attorney should be able to aid you with child support issues and financial issues (like how your joint accounts should be split) On a personal note, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I see it all to often where I work. Do not be ashamed to accept assistance. You are exactly who this assistance was designed to help. Our programs were designed to aid families that were strugling due to unforseen events like yours. This is not your fault, you pay your taxes and deserve this help.

 

[ENSOCK]

Just a side note, do not use the same lawyer!! My BIL did that and got royally screwed! Use your own lawyer and good luck.