Disgusted at family members about the holidays

[mrs_hower726]

First off, I want to say that I am thinking of all of those who are going through difficult times right now. I'm not much of a poster, most of the time I just don't know what to say.

I really just need to vent more than anything I guess right now. Here's my story.

In May, mom was diagnosed with breast cancer (she was diagnosed while DH and I were in Disney celebrating my graduation). Since then, she has had a lumpectomy and has been doing chemo since the beginning of August. Thankfully we are seeing the end in sight with the chemo with her last treatment scheduled for early January. She has also taken a leave of absence from work and does not plan on going back until after she is all done with all the treatments and radiation.

The chemo has been really rough on her. She is currently doing one session a week for 12 weeks (started early october) and she has been doing progressively worse each session with the side effects. Recently she has been having more bad days then good, no energy, lack of sleep, nauseauted, blurry vision, loss of balance. I live 350 miles away and I have taken some time off as well to travel every 3 weeks or so to visit.

The holidays are coming up and the way my family is acting disgusts me. My parents are usually the ones to host both Thanksgiving and Christmas since they have the biggest house and were willing to do it until this year. My aunt (her sister) actually had the nerve to invite herself, my other aunt, and her boyfriend to my parents on Thanksgiving. My mom has absolutely no desire to cook this year and already told everybody her and dad are going out to eat (which I am making sure of by calling restaurants that they like to go to and making sure they are open, then buying a gift card) she's not cooking, and she doesn't want anybody else around. It might sound harsh, but my family likes to visit for many hours, and even when mom says it's time for you to go, they still sit around for a bit longer. Right now she is good for about an hour with company then she needs her rest. Now it sounds like my aunt is mad at her. My opinion - let her be mad.

Then she told everybody that she is not hosting Christmas and would anybody else volunteer their house for the afternoon? Guess what? Only one person responded - my sister. My sister is in no condition to host the holidays herself, she has fibromyalgia and has enough trouble doing daily tasks let alone host a big gathering. She asked my other aunt (dad's sister) and she made up a lame excuse about her house and that she can't cook. She then sent an e-mail to my grandmother asking if the aunt could come over and help out and have Christmas there. No response yet. All that my mom is looking for somebody else to host it at their home, not make a huge feast for everybody.

My mom is a people pleaser and is willing to do anything for family, but yet on a simple request from her, everybody shies away and it makes me mad. And yet her sister invited herself with my other aunt and boyfriend up on Christmas morning as well.

If I lived in town, I would have no problem hosting it and having everybody there. If mom wasn't feeling good and couldn't make it, then I would make a special visit if she was feeling up or if not, at least drop off dinner for her and my dad. I am just sad that everybody still expects so much out of her and put their feelings before hers. She's having a hard time enough with the chemo and I can hear the stress in her voice about the family and it makes me really really really mad.

She already asked if she could come down to my place just to get away even though we both know she's too sick to make the trip right now and it breaks my heart. At this point, I am all about finding a hotel for them to stay at (even if it's in town, the rest of the family doesn't have to know) with a jacuzzi and tell the family that they are going out of town and call in an emergency only.

I feel better now. Thanks for listening and if you do have any advice, it's always welcome.

 

[A Mickeyfan]

At this point, I am all about finding a hotel for them to stay at (even if it's in town, the rest of the family doesn't have to know) with a jacuzzi and tell the family that they are going out of town and call in an emergency only.

In my opinion.. go with that thought! Get them a nice hotel, you can join them there and have a nice quiet holiday! screw the rest of your insensitive family.... It might be a nice welcome change for your mom too....

 

[ScrapperBelle]

I am so sorry that I do not have an answer for you. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

We have had a terrible year. Our oldest son passed away last Dec. 8th, DH and I have a hard time just keeping things together and then my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer in Sept.

DH and I actually sat down last night and talked about our holiday plans. We have decided to have Thanksgiving here at our home. His parents are divorced and don't get along, so we've always had to be at no fewer than 3 separate Thanksgiving dinners in one day. We have finally had enough.

We decided to do it here. Anyone who wants to come is welcome, but it's going to be a peaceful day and if they don't like it, they don't have to come.

I know that sounds harsh, but sometimes you just gotta do what's best for your family. One of the things I've learned in the past year is how to say "NO". As for those (and there are a couple in our family) who think we should just "get over it" (at least long enough to get them a present!) they can get over it and move on.

So my advice to you is to do what is best for your family. If the hotel idea is the best solution, then go for it. Your mother needs to concentrate on getting better, not everyone else's petty problems.

I do find it funny that no one wants to host the party. Our problem has always been just the opposite...everyone wants the party and we get to spend all day trying to visit everyone so no one gets mad!

I do wish your mother the best of luck. She and my sister are fighting the same fight and I will remember her in my prayers.

 

[kimis]

Scrapperbelle I am so sorry for your loss! What a sad, horrible thing to go through.

Mrs. Hower 726 You do need to do what is best for your mom and family. What if you came to your moms house and you hosted it and did all the work. It sounds like your mom really wants a Christmas celebration but just can't do the work this year. Maybe all of you could work together and make it a great memory. It was just an idea.

My mom passed away two years ago on Friday October 13th. We had a service here where we live and in her hometown in Kansas where she grew up. The hardest thing in the world I had to do was host Thanksgiving and Christmas with all of our traditions that year. She had told me before she passed to keep everything going. I am the oldest and I needed to keep the family together. It was so hard, but we got through it. Now with the holidays approaching again my heart is breaking all over again. We didn't know that last Christmas in 2005 would be moms last. We didn't know that she would get a very aggresive cancer and be gone three and half months after the diagnosses. Before she passed I had also lost two brothers. I learned decades ago that life is precious and you don't take it for granted. Make all the memories you can while you can. Laugh and cry together until it hurts your sides.

Your mom sounds like a wonderful lady. Get everyone involved and make it really great with lots of laughter in the background.

Keep us posted as you will be in my prayers.

 

[kdzgon]

Mrs Houser,

Please don't take this post as an attempt to excuse your relatives - I agree they should be putting your mom first. However, this whole holiday thing may be their attempt to hold on - on to their "normal" lives, seeing your mom as they wish she was. They may not yet be able to comprehend and/or accept what your mom is going through and this might be their way of attempting to hold reality at bay.

Please try to keep your focus on what is best for you and for your mom. Don't allow bitterness to build over something you cannot change - it will only sap your energy.

Prayers and hugs to you and your family - you'll get through this somehow. Better to do it with a focus on the positive - ie, your mom's recovery.

 

[mrs_hower726]

Mrs. Hower 726 You do need to do what is best for your mom and family. What if you came to your moms house and you hosted it and did all the work. It sounds like your mom really wants a Christmas celebration but just can't do the work this year. Maybe all of you could work together and make it a great memory. It was just an idea.Your mom sounds like a wonderful lady. Get everyone involved and make it really great with lots of laughter in the background.
.

If I was going to be there for Christmas this year, I would do that in a heartbeat. DH has no time off near the holiday this year and we have a rotation that we are spending the holidays with his family. I will be there 2 weeks before Christmas and 2 weeks after Christmas and will do something then to bring family together.

Please don't take this post as an attempt to excuse your relatives - I agree they should be putting your mom first. However, this whole holiday thing may be their attempt to hold on - on to their "normal" lives, seeing your mom as they wish she was. They may not yet be able to comprehend and/or accept what your mom is going through and this might be their way of attempting to hold reality at bay.

QUOTE]

I love my family, they just frustrate me sometimes and this year has just been horrible. I never thought of them wanting everything to stay the same for the sake of holding on.

I had a good talk with mom about Thanksgiving and found a hotel that's only 10 minutes away that has a thankgiving feast so she called to make reservations and dinner will be free (via DH and I picking up the bill). She sounded so happy and relieved. She is also going to tell family that if they want to see her, call before coming and come for a SHORT visit.

 

[mrs_hower726]

I am so sorry that I do not have an answer for you. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

We have had a terrible year. Our oldest son passed away last Dec. 8th, DH and I have a hard time just keeping things together and then my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer in Sept.
:

I'm so sorry to hear about your son. I will be keeping your sister and the rest of your family in my thoughts, cancer is just an evil thing and it's just so hard on the person and family. But my mom and you sister will get through and keep showing the world that it can be beaten.

 

[kdzgon]

...I love my family, they just frustrate me sometimes and this year has just been horrible. I never thought of them wanting everything to stay the same for the sake of holding on.

Sadly, I know of that "holding on" from too many personal experiences in recent years. Some people fight quite hard to try to hold on in different ways.

I had a good talk with mom about Thanksgiving and found a hotel that's only 10 minutes away that has a thankgiving feast so she called to make reservations and dinner will be free (via DH and I picking up the bill). She sounded so happy and relieved. She is also going to tell family that if they want to see her, call before coming and come for a SHORT visit.

Good - I am glad you took care of this for her. Continue to run interference for her when necessary, but don't take on any more battles than necessary. I truly believe any negative energy can be detrimental to someone battling a serious disease, so no need to engage your family in unwinnable battles.

 

[lookingforward]

The hotel getaway sounds perfect. Your mom needs a break from the stress of her treatment and that will be great for her! Tell her to hang in there, I am just finished with one year of treatment and it does get better. (Hair is even growing back!). All the best to you and your family.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

mrs_hower, I can hear the frustration in your post. I'm kind of not surprised at your relatives, though. I hate to say it. But most people truly don't realize how hard it is to go through chemo. I have a good friend who I thought understood what I went through, but I realized recently when she asked me some questions about her father's chemo now, that she really didn't understand what I went through. I guess it's really hard to "get it" unless you're actually there with the person experiencing it. That was my experience, anyway. (To her credit, she was there as much as she could be for me, but we live quite a distance from eachother.)

Honestly, I think your Mother should just do whatever it is that she wants to do this year, and it shouldn't involve her working in any way. If nobody understands, then tough. She's got to do what's right for her right now. Chemo is butt-kicking (right Maureen?) Hard to explain how much so. Next year will be better.

I'm sorry for everyone's losses, also. This is going to be a hard season for our family, too. My husband lost his youngest brother earlier this year and this will be the first holiday without him.

 

[lookingforward]

mrs_hower, I can hear the frustration in your post. I'm kind of not surprised at your relatives, though. I hate to say it. But most people truly don't realize how hard it is to go through chemo. I have a good friend who I thought understood what I went through, but I realized recently when she asked me some questions about her father's chemo now, that she really didn't understand what I went through. I guess it's really hard to "get it" unless you're actually there with the person experiencing it. That was my experience, anyway. (To her credit, she was there as much as she could be for me, but we live quite a distance from eachother.)

Honestly, I think your Mother should just do whatever it is that she wants to do this year, and it shouldn't involve her working in any way. If nobody understands, then tough. She's got to do what's right for her right now. Chemo is butt-kicking (right Maureen?) Hard to explain how much so. Next year will be better.

I'm sorry for everyone's losses, also. This is going to be a hard season for our family, too. My husband lost his youngest brother earlier this year and this will be the first holiday without him.

YES! Chemo is butt kicking. I grew weary of people comparing their or families chemo experiences with mine, too. Each disease has it's own chemo prescription and all are quite different. Breast cancer chemo is tough. I actually had someone say to me that their dad's chemo was a piece of cake and he didn't lose his hair either (like he had good genes or was extra strong). I assured them that his dad's chemo was not the kind I was taking.

I agree that your mom deserves to be catered too....and as stress free as possible.

 

[A Mickeyfan]

I'm glad to hear that your mom will be going to the hotel. She will get a change of pace & the rest she needs.

This year will be my first Thanksgiving without my mom. My sister and I were suppose to be taking her to Orlando (if her chemo treatments were letting her). My sister and I have decided to go ahead with our plans and still go to Orlando (Universal) for Thanksgiving weekend. We will have our dinner in Universal and do our Black Friday shopping as planned. We felt it was better to do this than each stay home alone (or together). She will drive down from North Fl & I will drive up from South Fl & we will be together with our families. It will be sad either way we look at it.. so we may as well keep our plans.

 

[LuvOrlando]

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