Disciplining Toddlers

[smilie]

First of all I do NOT want this thread turned into a debate. That is not it's purpose. I simply want input from parents of toddlers to see what they use that works.

My DD (20 months) has started hitting. Not hard but she needs to learn that hitting isn't nice. It's just a recent thing but I want to nip it now before it gets too far. Last night I simply held her hand firmly and said "hitting is not nice, it hurts. We don't hit" I said it hurts because she says this often if she gets a boo boo so I know she understands what it means.

She thinks it's a game. Laughs and says "it funny!". So I repeat what I did before, giving her another chance. The next time she did it I picked her up and sat her in the corner telling her "hitting is wrong, it hurts people and she has to sit there until she learns not to hit". My kid is a drama queen. Burst into tears because Mommy hurt her feelings. She stopped crying in about 30 seconds. Then came over and gave me a hug and kiss. I told her that hitting hurts and we need to be good girls and not hit.

The whole thing started over again about 5 minutes later.

What methods do you find that work? I personally don't believe in spanking. If you do I don't mean to offend you, it's just my personal feelings. My DH asked me last night after this didn't work for the 3rd time if he thinks we should smack her hand? I asked him "how can we tell her not to hit but then smack her hand to correct her?" Which he agreed to. I need more ideas. I know it just started and I hope that the time out methods will help with her. But I'd like to hear others' experiences as well.

 

[MushyMushy]

You should get the book 1-2-3 Magic. It's a great book and if you use the techniques consistently, it works.

Basically all you can do with a toddler is use time out and positive reinforcement.

 

[luvsJack]

What you are doing is actually perfect. It's not going to work in one night. You just have to be patient and consistent.

The only thing I may suggest is making her stay in time out for 2 minutes (she is almost 2, so that would be 1 minute x years of age). And then getting out of time out because you go to her, she tells you what she shouldn't do and that she is sorry. (ala Super Nanny or whatever the name of that show is ) Also, make sure you are talking to her with a firm voice and looking at her with a firm look on your face--she needs to see that you are not happy with her.

It takes awhile, but this too shall pass.

 

[goofy4tink]

I have no problems with a quick swat on the behind if all else fails. BUT....that isn't going to work for a hitting issue..obviously a conflict here.
The one thing I would say is that you are allowing your dd to decide when she leaves her time out. And that is NOT her call...it is yours. As already mentioned, a minute for each year. She is two, so she gets to sit there and think about her actions for two minutes. She doesn't get to decide that 'a nice hug for mom will get me out my time out'...that gives her way too much control. You have to make her stay in that time out for two minutes. Then, you go to her (not the other way around!!) and ask her what she has learned from her time out. Hopefully she will 'get it'. And she is sure to make mistakes along the way, but eventually she will get it.

 

[smilie]

The one thing I would say is that you are allowing your dd to decide when she leaves her time out. And that is NOT her call...it is yours. As already mentioned, a minute for each year. She is two, so she gets to sit there and think about her actions for two minutes. She doesn't get to decide that 'a nice hug for mom will get me out my time out'...that gives her way too much control. You have to make her stay in that time out for two minutes. Then, you go to her (not the other way around!!) and ask her what she has learned from her time out. Hopefully she will 'get it'. And she is sure to make mistakes along the way, but eventually she will get it.

I didn't even think of that before. Thank you! If she gets up do I just walk her back over and sit her back down? I guess after a few times she will realize that she HAS to sit there until I say she can get up.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

We utilize the naughty corner. My kids do not respond well to "kind discipline". I.e. They don't take me seriously.

They respond well to Supernanny's naughty corner technique. FWIW, with toddlers, a discipline issue doesn't disappear overnight...it requires reminders as toddlers learn to navigate their growing up to be a big kid.

Naughty corners are portable...even to Disney.

 

[Mkrop]

I agree you need to give this more time. What you are doing sounds fine. Consistency is key.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I didn't even think of that before. Thank you! If she gets up do I just walk her back over and sit her back down? I guess after a few times she will realize that she HAS to sit there until I say she can get up.

Your initiL steps are fine....in would add to the "why" part that she has to stay fir 2 minutes and then say nothing else. If she leaves, say nothing but do put her back AND restart the 2 minutes. Only when she has stayed for 2 minutes...then you go and get her and remind her why she was there and THEN she can apologize and then give you hugs and kisses.

Consistency is your friend.

 

[Bren's Mom]

I agree with the pps...you're doing great, just tighten up on the 'mommy controls the time out' part of it.

I'd add to remember make this your new mantra...

'No reaction, no response, no emotion'

That's key. Be very blase about it all. I used to sternly say, when ds would hit 'Ouch! We do not hit people dsname!' and then follow that very calmly with 'You chose to have a time out, please go to the chair'. If he didn't go, I'd carry him there. No discussion. If he got out, he was brought back again. Ignore the tears.

If you have 1-2-3 Magic at your library check it out, it's a great book!

 

[Pigeon]

Pick up a copy of 1-2-3 Magic at your public library. It works beautifully, not just with this behavior, but with all sorts of things, and it's great for a large range of ages.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I agree with the pps...you're doing great, just tighten up on the 'mommy controls the time out' part of it.

I'd add to remember make this your new mantra...

'No reaction, no response, no emotion'.

This was the key for us - it showed my boys that their actions would not manipulate us.

 

[luvsJack]

I didn't even think of that before. Thank you! If she gets up do I just walk her back over and sit her back down? I guess after a few times she will realize that she HAS to sit there until I say she can get up.

Yeah, it may take a little while for her to get the concept but you'll get there. A timer may help. Set it for two minutes and let her know that you will come back when it goes off. If she gets up, take her back and reset the timer. That gives her something visual to see that the time is starting over and when it is over.

 

[Gwendolyn]

First of all I do NOT want this thread turned into a debate. That is not it's purpose. I simply want input from parents of toddlers to see what they use that works.

My DD (20 months) has started hitting. Not hard but she needs to learn that hitting isn't nice. It's just a recent thing but I want to nip it now before it gets too far. Last night I simply held her hand firmly and said "hitting is not nice, it hurts. We don't hit" I said it hurts because she says this often if she gets a boo boo so I know she understands what it means.

She thinks it's a game. Laughs and says "it funny!". So I repeat what I did before, giving her another chance. The next time she did it I picked her up and sat her in the corner telling her "hitting is wrong, it hurts people and she has to sit there until she learns not to hit". My kid is a drama queen. Burst into tears because Mommy hurt her feelings. She stopped crying in about 30 seconds. Then came over and gave me a hug and kiss. I told her that hitting hurts and we need to be good girls and not hit.

The whole thing started over again about 5 minutes later.

What methods do you find that work? I personally don't believe in spanking. If you do I don't mean to offend you, it's just my personal feelings. My DH asked me last night after this didn't work for the 3rd time if he thinks we should smack her hand? I asked him "how can we tell her not to hit but then smack her hand to correct her?" Which he agreed to. I need more ideas. I know it just started and I hope that the time out methods will help with her. But I'd like to hear others' experiences as well.

I think your method works best. If you start hitting your child, you will send the message that hitting is right. So I strongly believe that you are doing a great job. Remember the learning effect of putting a child into a naughty place is the childs age in minutes. So that means 1 minute for your daughter (the day she will turn 2 itll be 2 years and so on), if she is kicking or screaming or behave really badly in any way when she is in her naughty spot, you can tell her that you will start counting the minutes as soon as she behaves.

Remember most toddlers are tough learners, so they need to be disciplined a lot before they get the message.

They say that if you are concequent enough, it'll take a toddler about 3 weeks to actually get the message.

 

[cybrkitn]

I'm agreeing with the previous posters. Sounds like you are doing ok. As others have said, her time out should be as long as her age. If she gets up, just put her back and not say anything. It will take some time and patience on your end, but she will eventually learn.

I've also watched Super Nanny and have seen this work. I just wish I would have known about it when DS7 was a toddler. It would have saved me a lot of aggrevation and stress. Thankfully, he pretty much has outgrown that stage.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

You've gotten good advice....be consistent, loving, and remember that "this, too, shall pass". The last thing I would do is to spank or slap her for this--very counter-productive (and I'm not totally anti-spanking).

 

[Liberty Belle]

First of all I do NOT want this thread turned into a debate. That is not it's purpose. I simply want input from parents of toddlers to see what they use that works.

My DD (20 months) has started hitting. Not hard but she needs to learn that hitting isn't nice. It's just a recent thing but I want to nip it now before it gets too far. Last night I simply held her hand firmly and said "hitting is not nice, it hurts. We don't hit" I said it hurts because she says this often if she gets a boo boo so I know she understands what it means.

She thinks it's a game. Laughs and says "it funny!". So I repeat what I did before, giving her another chance. The next time she did it I picked her up and sat her in the corner telling her "hitting is wrong, it hurts people and she has to sit there until she learns not to hit". My kid is a drama queen. Burst into tears because Mommy hurt her feelings. She stopped crying in about 30 seconds. Then came over and gave me a hug and kiss. I told her that hitting hurts and we need to be good girls and not hit.

The whole thing started over again about 5 minutes later.

What methods do you find that work? I personally don't believe in spanking. If you do I don't mean to offend you, it's just my personal feelings. My DH asked me last night after this didn't work for the 3rd time if he thinks we should smack her hand? I asked him "how can we tell her not to hit but then smack her hand to correct her?" Which he agreed to. I need more ideas. I know it just started and I hope that the time out methods will help with her. But I'd like to hear others' experiences as well.

I think you're doing the right thing, but I'd make sure to completely ignore her after you sit her in time out and tell her hitting is wrong. It might take a while for her to see that every time she hits, she will be bored and ignored, but I think that is what will stop the behavior.

I should add that I agree, if she gets up you need to put her back, but still ignore her (no emotion, no speaking, no acknowleging what she says) while you're doing so.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Just echoing previous posters.

Use a timer, no reaction, and a naughty corner. If she gets up then put her back and reset the timer.

Be consistent every time. That is the secret.

 

[smilie]

Thank you all SO MUCH for the replies. I actually just finished ordering 1-2-3 Magic online. Only a penny-what a deal!

I need to pick up a timer today as well. Other than that I just need to learn to be patient with her and stick to it.

Thanks again, I really appreciate all the info!!

 

[MiniGirl]

You're doing great, mama. Keep it up. This hard work now will pay off ten fold when she is older. A timer works great because it allows you to carry on with what you were doing -- showing her that her actions are only affecting her. Also, as others have said, no emotion. You don't want to give the impression that you are sorry or feel bad for putting her in time out/naughty corner, etc. Consistency is the key. It isn't ging to happen over night, but it will happen. That is hard for parents to accept in this age of instant gratification, and many give up too soon.

 

[vettechick99]

I don't believe in spanking either. I don't hit adults in an effort to change their behavior, so why would I hit my child?

DD3 never hit or bit but she will misbehave. I follow the Supernanny's advice. First, set ground rules (i.e. "we don't hit in the house because it hurts others"). I give DD one chance of misbehavior and say the next time you are going to the naughty mat (they are so young they often forget the rules). If she does it again, I send her to the naughty mat. She must sit there one minute per age. When time is up, I go over and tell her why she went over to the mat. (now she is old enough and I can ask her and usually get the right response). I say why I don't want her to do it/it's not nice manners and ask for an apology. We hug, I tell her I love her, and we go on with our day. It works 99% of the time. I think we naughty mat maybe once a month.

I also use the line "Big girls don't _____" She wants to be a big girl so bad, she does her best to act like one. I am a very big believer in explaining what behavior is expected and why. If you just say no, they don't get it.

GL!