Disciplining someone else's child WWYD?

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I'm the parent of the world's easiest 9 year old. I use a fair amount of values clarification with him, but in general I don't find that I need to "discipline" him much beyond explaining where I'm coming from and why I want him to do X or not do Y.

Today DS and I went to an amusement park, we took his friend, Jack, as a birthday gift. In the car on the way there the kid used the word "D$#N" about 6 times.

Then when we were sitting in the car waiting our turn to enter the parking lot when Jack leans over the seat onto the passenger seat and started grabbing things like the book I'd brought to read, and the bottle of water I'd brought and throwing them into the back of the mini van. I turned to him and said "why aren't you in your seatbelt? Please put it back on now!" His reply was "Oh, I decided I wanted to sit in the front seat and those things were in the way." Then, as we were driving into the lot I said "Jack, in my car we NEVER take off our seatbelt until the engine is OFF. If you ever do that again it will be the last time you ride in my car. Got it? In addition, when we stop the car I need you to find my water bottle and book for me -- I brought those for the park and I do not appreciate you throwing them."

Then as we were pulling into the section where we were parking he said "Oh, D%#N, the Hispanic section." I asked him what he meant and he said "There are lots of Hispanic people, and I don't like Hispanic people". We had a conversation about why I found that offensive, to which he replied "you say the same things as my mother".

Finally, we were heading towards the gate, walking down an empty section of grass and my son spit in the grass. I reminded him that I don't like it when he spits in public, he apologizes and Jack says "Look at me" and spits across the grass.

I stepped in front of him and looked in front of your eye and said "Jack, I know this is your birthday gift and you are a guest, but I need you to know that there are certain things I don't tolerate. We've been together an hour and you've sworn repeatedly, unbuckled your seatbelt, thrown my belongings, made racist statements and now you've done something I specifically said not to do. This is your last warning, I need you to straighten up and fly right, because I WILL turn around and take you home, and when asked I WILL tell your mother why we're back at 2 in the afternoon." He looked kind of sheepish and said that he didn't think spitting was that bad. I replied "I'm not upset about the spitting, I'm upset because when you do something I specifically asked DS not to do in front of you, it's unfair to him and rude to me. Your mom has told me repeatedly how smart you are (true she talks about it all the time) and I've spent enough time with you to know it's true, but today you aren't showing me your intelligence at all. I need you to stop, think, and make the right choices."

He nodded and we went on into the park. I have to admit that I was at this point dreading the rest of the day, but apparently what I said worked because he did shape up and we had a lovely day.

So, did I overreact? Under?

 

[happymickey464]

Good Job! Your car your rules.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

I think you handled it perfectly!! Good Job

 

[Moeluv4u7]

I think you handled it beautifully- probably even better than I would have- swearing and racist statements are the absolute worst for me- and of course disobeying as well- You did a great job w/ him and obvious since he did, as you say, straighten up- If his mother says the same things to him I wonder where he got the idea that those things are "ok"- Also, kudo's to you since I am sure as your son witnessed everything as a test of your reaction- he sees it will not be tolerated not just from him but anyone in your book-

 

[teresajoy]

It sounds like you did exactly the right thing.

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

If his mother says the same things to him I wonder where he got the idea that those things are "ok"-

Oh no, he knew. I know this kid well enough that I could tell from the look on his face that he was testing -- "Let's see how shocking I can be?"

His mom does tell him the same things, and often a lot more firmly than I did, accompanied by yelling or taking away priviledges, but she also says in front of him that the reason why he gets in trouble at school is because he's "bright", "creative" and "sensitive". As a teacher whose worked with plenty of bright, creative, and sensitive kids who are well behaved and respectful, and who parents a child who fits that mold as well, I'll never figure why people think that's an explanation.

 

[Tiffany_MommyOf3]

I would have done the same thing! I think disciplining someone elses child while they are around isn't a good idea unless that child is causing you or your family discomfort BUT if you are the guardian of that child, they don't get away with everything. kwim? That's like turning him lose in an open environment and saying "Here, go have fun" and letting him do whatever he wants if you didn't have rules and enforcing them.

 

[RMulieri]

BRAVO! you did great, I wouldn't change a thing.I would have struggled with the strong impulse to ring this little cretins neck.Where does a kid this young learn to be so hateful and racist?

 

[thegrimdwarf]

Well, I guess I'm less generous than the other posters, because I would have taken that punk back home after the comment about being in 'the Hispanic section'. I don't tolerate racists, and certainly wouldn't have decided to treat one to a day at an amusement park. I'd also seriously consider whether or not I would allow him around my child in the future.

I think how you handled the other stuff was great. The racist stuff, though - deal breaker for me.

 

[moredisneyplease]

I think you did great! Congrats to you!

 

[MyDizneyBoyz]

As the mom of 3 boys, I think you handled it just right. I think that boys (and children in general, I'm not gender stereotyping...) tend to go for the shock value and see what kind of reaction they can get out of adults.

Keeping calm and spelling out the rules is the best way to get everyone on the same page. Once those rules are set down, then if someone breaks them is when you start disciplining (time outs, taking away privileges, etc.).

I don't think his behavior was that out of line compared to some kids I've seen. The fact that he respected your rules once they were spelled out and understood how his behavior wasn't so nice (ie the spitting) is a good thing.

I've done my share of turning around and heading home for inappropriate behavior and it takes experience for kids to know that you're willing to follow through on consequences. It sounds like it didn't take your DS's friend long to realize that fact and once he began to respect you as an authority figure, you're good. I'm sure he'll still try and push the occasional button around you (what kid doesn't? ) but it sounds like you've got things under control.

 

[Miss LD]

If my son were a passenger and had acted like Jack, I would have wanted the parent in charge to do the same thing
Kids test all the time, and as far as I'm concerned, if my child isn't with me I expect him to behave. I try hard with discipline, but I know that there are times when DS (4) is away from me that no matter how well I've drilled in our expectations and reminded him of the rules he can be horribly behaved.

 

[christa112]

You definately did the right thing.

 

[The Marsons]

I think you were 100% right. He was in your car and had been invited by your family to go out so he should behave.

Like you said it's not fair on your son if he is told not to do something and then this other boy does just that right in front of him. Good job

 

[wilderness01]

I think you did awesome and if it were my child acting like that, I would want him reprimanded. However, don't be surprised if other parents around you don't feel quite the same. I don't know if it is just my area, but we have plenty of "not my kid" behavior around here, which is just disgusting.

I make my kids follow the rules and if they don't there are consequences. Some parents I have seen watch their kids do wrong and then deny it to the hilt. I'm not talking babies here, I am talking middle school and going into high school kids. It is just amazing to see.

I'm sure these will be the same parents that when their kids get in major trouble they will be wondering how it ever happened. I would never ever say "not my kid" and I make sure if my kids have done wrong to someone, they apologize and the behavior is curbed.

In my experience, very few parents do that and it is really sad to see. I live around the "boys will be boys" attitude or "not my kid" attitude and I just shake my head in disbelief that any parent can have their head so stuck in the sand.

 

[PrincessTiffany]

Well, I guess I'm less generous than the other posters, because I would have taken that punk back home after the comment about being in 'the Hispanic section'. I don't tolerate racists, and certainly wouldn't have decided to treat one to a day at an amusement park. I'd also seriously consider whether or not I would allow him around my child in the future.

I think how you handled the other stuff was great. The racist stuff, though - deal breaker for me.

I have to agree. I would definetly be leary about letting my child spend time with a kid that has "issues" such as Jack.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I think you did a great job handling the situation. I hope Jack learned a few things from the experience too.

Gosh, I thought I had the world's easiest 9 year old! I call him my cat because no matter where you toss him, he always lands on his feet!

 

[LisaInNc]

You handled it perfectly.

What a charmer that child must be!

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I think you did a great job handling the situation. I hope Jack learned a few things from the experience too.

Gosh, I thought I had the world's easiest 9 year old! I call him my cat because no matter where you toss him, he always lands on his feet!

Hey, is he available to go to Six Flags? Maybe THAT'S who I should take!

 

[DjdBrit]

I just have to say "good for you"!!!

I have no problem telling other peoples kids off. Especially when it comes to my car. I have told kids "I don't care when you do with you parents (or whoever) when you are with me I expect_________" I have taken kids home when they won't listen and taken away toys or swimming etc... For me its too bad if you don't like it then you don't have to play.

Spitting don't even get me started.....
Its very hard sometimes to handle other peoples kids but I think as long as you are fair and expain your rules it all works just fine. On the same note if my kids get brought home from a playdate I will punish them and let them realise that I am not happy with that.