Disciplining a child for lying or stealing?

[Chernabog#1fan]

I am not posting this to start a debate, but because I really need suggestions from parents with this experience.

My husband and I are in the process of adopting children through the state. One of the questions they asked us to research and think about for our next home study is how we would discipline a child for lying or stealing.

A few things to think about when answering is that these children have used lying and stealing as a way to survive in their prior homes. They have been abused in some manner, whether through neglect, physical, sexual, or mental. There is no option to spank a child who has been through this type of situation, I would not be able to allow them to even think for a minute that the spanking could progress to worse and have them fear us to the degree they had to fear before.

I am thinking that a time out would probably not work as these children would be older, around 10-12.

So for parents who have ideas outside of spanking, what are some effective ways you have disciplined a child for lying or stealing?

 

[erincon23]

My DS14 has had some lying issues. I realize that he's not in the same category as some of these children you're discussing (emotional fragility-wise), but he can be a difficult kid. We have done and/or discussed the following with him:

- for stealing (assuming it's not shoplifting) -- he has to work a certain number of hours in the home and select a charity to donate the earned money to, in addition to returning the item to the owner and making any restitution necessary.
- the usual loss of privileges -- video games, TV, etc.
- a period of reflection on the consequences of the action, and then writing an apology, which must include his thoughts about why he did this, how his actions affected the person he transgressed against and how his actions negatively affect other people's view of him, and what he can do to change those perceptions and why that is important.

We have talked with him about how his actions can affect future choices and options. Kids that age really don't have a clue how what they do now will affect their choices later -- but that's something they really need to understand. My DS18, who is really a good kid, had one incident when he was 14 where he and some friends lit a small fire on an asphalt path. They didn't really think out the potential consequences -- luckily, nothing happened. They were caught, thought, by the park district police, who told them that if they were charged with arson, that would probably mean that none of them could get into college. For the first time, they really started to see that what they did now could affect their options in the future -- I can promise you that none of those boys EVER did anything like that again, and never will.

Good luck with this! I applaud you for opening your heart to these kids.

 

[kristilew]

Part of dealing with lying is addressing the fact that you think something said is a lie. This interaction with a child can set the stage for either a positive training opportunity or can devolve into a frustrating argument that in and of itself leads to the need for other discipline.

Two good lines are: "that doesn't sound like the truth to me" and "I wonder if that is what you wish were true right now." Both can set the stage for the kid to feel safer 'fessing up. At which point, the next thing said should be along the lines of "thank you for trusting me with the real story."

In general, the rule should be that, no matter how bad the "crime" is, consequences are always lighter if you hear the whole story from the kid before you hear it from anyone else. We want to train our kids to acknowledge mistakes and deal with them in an honest way. (This is a skill, btw, that many adults lack )

If the lying is to gain privelges, (ie: yes I did my homework, so now I'm going to Fred's house) or to get out of something (ie: no, I didn't have any chores), the obvious discipline is a tighter leash for a set period of time. If it's to cover up a misdeed, I'd spend more time discipling the bad behavior and just casually mention along the way that the punishment could have beem mitigated with an honest approach from the start.

Good luck, and God bless you for adopting!

 

[smb6]

For stealing- I would make them return it and apologize. If it happens often, there should be additional consequences. When my dd was about 4- she took a candybar from the store. She had asked for it in the store, I said no and apparently she hid it in her pocket. We were half way home when I realized it. I turned the van around and made her return it and apologize. That was her only punishment, she was in tears. Thankfully, that is the only time I have ever had to deal with stealing...

For lying- If I know or heavily suspect lying- I sometimes give them a "second chance". I'll say-ok, were wiping the slate clean- someone is lying; fess up immediately and you will not be punished, otherwise it's going to be double trouble. This has worked for my kids in the pass and they fessed up and I kept my word and didn't punish. Of coarse, this was for minor infractions. They KNOW that I have zero tolerance for lying and whatever they do wrong will get a double punishment if they lie about it.

I think the kids you are taking in may be too old for a time out. At that age- grounding seems to work best; taking away certain privlidges for an hour, a day, a week, ect... depending on the crime. I also think it is important for older kids to know what punishments to expect for their wrong doings, that way they are in the know and this seems to make for good deterence....
Hope it goes well; many blessings.....

 

[shortbun]

I think lying would bring a more empathetic response than stealing. I would explain over and over with follow up that lying was not necessary. I would reward truthfull statements. Positive reinforcement and natural consequence- consequences that relate directly to the crime-are always best. Starting out with clear and repeated boundaries will be very necessary. For instance, 'this is yours, no one else's and these are mine, no one else's; are there any questions about what you should do if there is something you want or need?' Then you must establish that you are the grownup, in charge and the decision maker for most things. Repeating all of this might be necessary. Some stealing might be dealth with simply by returning the items and making restitution-the child would earn the money or do chores to repay. The steps will be small. Your job will be huge and they will need to relearn how to live in a society that is not a threat. Baby steps, small responses, simple living. Keep them safe, make them know exactly what is expected and don't change the plan unless they are involved in that change. Good luck.

 

[dimimi]

I like the responses you have received so far. I especially like "cleaning the slate" and giving the kids another chance. I would add, that is the child is 10 -12 I would say spanking shouldn't be an option anyway. (I realize this isn't a spanking debate question, but even if you agree with spanking, I think most professionals would not for kids over 10 years old)

 

[allyphoe]

My husband and I are in the process of adopting children through the state. One of the questions they asked us to research and think about for our next home study is how we would discipline a child for lying or stealing.

If you don't already read blogs by parents who have adopted out of foster care, I suggest those as a good research resource.

http://okanaganadoption.blogspot.com/2008/12/lying-and-stealing-from-attachment.html is a place to start.