Disciplining a 2 year old

[Christine]

Maybe I should change my original post? I am NOT asking for ideas on how to make her sit for an hour and 45 minutes. Completely disregard the church situation. I'm having problems with her listening to me in public. Like throwing full blown tantrums in public. How do you discipline in public??

You have to leave the public place. You go sit in the car and you turn your back and let them scream it out. No talking, no "rewarding" the tantrum with ANY attention--nothing.

 

[Minniemouse07]

If I was going anywhere w/ the kids when they were younger (now 9 & 5) I first made sure they weren't hungry/tired, etc.

Then I would set expectations (based upon age) before we would enter the store/house/park/??.

Today we are going shopping so we can have some food in the house for us to eat. When we go in the store I expect you to ...

In our case if the kids wanted to use the child shopping cart they had to stay in the same aisle, not run, no running the cart into others (especially mom!) and to come immediately when I ask.

The expectations are then followed with the consequences (logical ones)...

If you can't follow the rules for using the cart...then I will give you one warning, if you still can't follow the rules then we will return the cart and you can sit in the big cart until I'm done shopping.

AND FOLLOW THROUGH!!

You of course will have different expectations and consequences based upon where you are going and other circumstances, but if you have realistic expectations (ie not sitting still in church for 1:45 hrs) with logical consequences and use both consistently, you can achieve a change in behavior. It won't always be perfect...but everyone is happier when we know what is expected of us, little ones just need to be reminded more often!

FWIW, I only had to return the child's cart once for each kid...after that they always followed the cart rules (and can still recited them now that they are older! ).

I can also look back and see that the more challenging outings were the ones where I didn't set the expectations. In the beginning I had to be a bit more formal about it so I would remember, now after 9+yrs... I do it almost automatically.

ETA... my kids weren't truly screamers/tantrum throwers...but the one time I had to return the cart for ds for not listening he lost it. I put him in the regular shopping cart and finished up my shopping. I reminded him that he had his chance and didn't listen and that he knew what the consequence was. I was almost done w/ my shopping and he only cried for a few minutes so it wasn't horrible, but if he had continued I would have just taken him back to the car until he calmed down.

Tantrums are always about getting a reaction from YOU... the more calm and less reactionary you are, the quicker the tantrum goes away. If you find it to continue to be an issue then I would just consistently remove your dd from the situation until she calms down.

It also may be helpful to be aware of what is triggering the outbursts. At 2yo I found redirecting useful. Instead of saying don't touch that and nothing else, it was more like, we don't touch XXX, oh look lets go play w/ the truck, etc. You are still giving the message, but following it with something that distracts them from what they originally wanted.

Unfortunately, when they hit 3/4yo they are single minded about what they want and are less likely to be distracted...but then they are older and understand the rules better. I found 3/4 to be a bit more difficult as we transitioned through to 5yo and a more even understanding of what they can/cannot do.

Good Luck and I hope this all helps in some way?

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

You have to leave the public place. You go sit in the car and you turn your back and let them scream it out. No talking, no "rewarding" the tantrum with ANY attention--nothing.

 

[kirstenb1]

You have to leave the public place. You go sit in the car and you turn your back and let them scream it out. No talking, no "rewarding" the tantrum with ANY attention--nothing.

This. Be prepared to drop everything, leave your cart, and leave the store, restaurant, library, whatever. It used to frustrate the heck out of me, but you have to be consistent and do this every single time. It really is a phase they go through.

 

[ilovejack02]

Maybe I should change my original post? I am NOT asking for ideas on how to make her sit for an hour and 45 minutes. Completely disregard the church situation. I'm having problems with her listening to me in public. Like throwing full blown tantrums in public. How do you discipline in public??

You walk out. Two year olds don't reason . She acts up, you leave. No discussion , you just leave. This will pass I promise. : )

Two went ok for us , three was our rough year, but also a little easier to handle because he could reason a bit more.

 

[mhsjax]

You walk out. Two year olds don't reason . She acts up, you leave. No discussion , you just leave. This will pass I promise. : )

Two went ok for us , three was our rough year, but also a little easier to handle because he could reason a bit more.

Same here for the 3 year old. My Dr told me that terrible 2's are really not true, it is 3 year olds that are bad. She told me at 3 year olds are nothing more than 2 year olds with years experience. Then laughed at me, when I said that I though 3's would be better. Boy was I wrong and boy was she right.

OP. I would do what everyone else is suggesting, just leave the situation. Be prepared to just go, but then don't go home and reward her by letting her do what she wants. It will get better, my youngest was tough, nothing I did worked for him, except time. Hang in there.

 

[smilie]

I think what frustrates me more is I know how good she can be. I guess every 2 year old needs to test their limits? Sitting her in the car I think would be a good thing. She really reacts positively when she's ignored at home. I just don't know how to do it in a store with a full grocery cart. But I guess you just have to do it.

 

[PigletsMommy]

She two, I don't many two years that do listen lol

Mine certainly doesn't.

However, I have found that stickers work wonders You just have to find the right reward.

And it doesn't matter what the situation is. Church, shopping, movies, family functions... I always have something to occupy DD with and small rewards for when she is good. When she is bad, we use time outs or just leave.

 

[smilie]

She really reacts positively when she's ignored at home.

Okay, that came out wrong. I meant when we ignore the tantrums at home. Woops.

 

[ilovejack02]

Same here for the 3 year old. My Dr told me that terrible 2's are really not true, it is 3 year olds that are bad. She told me at 3 year olds are nothing more than 2 year olds with years experience. Then laughed at me, when I said that I though 3's would be better. Boy was I wrong and boy was she right.

OP. I would do what everyone else is suggesting, just leave the situation. Be prepared to just go, but then don't go home and reward her by letting her do what she wants. It will get better, my youngest was tough, nothing I did worked for him, except time. Hang in there.

LOL I thought the same thing, three was gonna be a breeze. NOOOO , now they can fight back with full sentences hahaha ; ) .


OP my one of my best girls has a 4 yr old mildly autistic little boy and a 2 yr old girl.

She left a full cart in Target the other day. The two year started up and would NOT stop which upset the older brother. Frustrated the hell out of her, but it had to be done.
Just let her live lol and you will get past this.

Next up , hormones and teenage girl attitude ; ) .

Oh and yes all 2 yr olds test their parents. They are growing up, want their independence, but can't communicate all that they feel yet. They are frustrated too.

 

[tw1nsmom]

Sorry, I know she wont' sit for an hour and 45 minutes. That is not what I have an issue with. My issue is that she's not listening. She'll scream and scream louder. It's not just church I have an issue with. I gave that just as an example. I need her to understand that she needs to listen, not that she needs to sit for an hour and 45 minutes.

If it's not about church, then the method I outlined before would work in most situations. I'll add that before going out you should tell her what to expect and how you expect her to behave (ie "We're going grocery shopping and mommy expects you to sit in the cart and not scream or grab things. We are NOT buying toys or candy. If you follow the rules you'll get good listener stickers and at the end we'll go to your favorite park to run around"). If she starts melting down, remove her immediately (even if it means leaving a cart of groceries), don't give her the reward (sticker/park) and tell her what she did wrong.

It will take time, but eventually she'll learn that she will be rewarded for good behavior and never be rewarded for bad behavior and her behavior should improve as she grows. Some of this is developmental, but at this stage many parents give in because "they're only two" and then the child learns to tantrum to get what they want. That's when you see not just the terrible two's, but also the terrible three's, the ferocious four's, and the bratty fives.

Presetting a child so they know the expectations, limits, consistency, calm, reward, removal, love.

 

[mhsjax]

LOL I thought the same thing, three was gonna be a breeze. NOOOO , now they can fight back with full sentences hahaha ; ) .


OP my one of my best girls has a 4 yr old mildly autistic little boy and a 2 yr old girl.

She left a full cart in Target the other day. The two year started up and would NOT stop which upset the older brother. Frustrated the hell out of her, but it had to be done.
Just let her live lol and you will get past this.

Next up , hormones and teenage girl attitude ; ) .

Oh and yes all 2 yr olds test their parents. They are growing up, want their independence, but can't communicate all that they feel yet. They are frustrated too.

Oh you had to go there didn't you. I am in the pits of teenager or preteen he**. She was such a sweet easy baby, she really was. But now, she looks at me like I have 3 heads. And then rolls her eyes.

 

[clutter]

I think what frustrates me more is I know how good she can be. I guess every 2 year old needs to test their limits? Sitting her in the car I think would be a good thing. She really reacts positively when she's ignored at home. I just don't know how to do it in a store with a full grocery cart. But I guess you just have to do it.

When my dd was 2, I asked my daycare provider to keep her late one night so I could go to the grocery store in peace. She (who had no children of her own at the time) told me that my dd (who was normally really good!) needed to learn to deal with it. Well, a couple years later, when she had a 2 year old of her own, she apologized.

Point is, if it's something you REALLY need to do, leave her at home with dad. (We didn't have one, so it wasn't an option for me.) Otherwise, be prepared to take her and run.

Remember, sometimes tantrums are simply their only way of communication. When dd was that age, there would be one night a week that she'd get really annoyed when we drove into our neighborhood after work/daycare. I finally realized she was really saying "hey, let's go out tonight!" to me. Fortunately, having the luxury of being flexible, I'd turn the car around and go to the mall play area or to ToysRUs (back when they had a huge display of play houses) and grab some McDonalds or something. Like Christine's dd, she's 13 now and never pitches fits. They do outgrow them!

Btw, I found that around 2 1/2, they started understanding the concept of now and later. Things like "No, we can't do this now, but we can after going to the store." Once she got that concept, life was easier. And yes, I LOVE the expression that 3's are 2's with experience!

 

[smilie]

If it's not about church, then the method I outlined before would work in most situations. I'll add that before going out you should tell her what to expect and how you expect her to behave (ie "We're going grocery shopping and mommy expects you to sit in the cart and not scream or grab things. We are NOT buying toys or candy. If you follow the rules you'll get good listener stickers and at the end we'll go to your favorite park to run around"). If she starts melting down, remove her immediately (even if it means leaving a cart of groceries), don't give her the reward (sticker/park) and tell her what she did wrong.

It will take time, but eventually she'll learn that she will be rewarded for good behavior and never be rewarded for bad behavior and her behavior should improve as she grows. Some of this is developmental, but at this stage many parents give in because "they're only two" and then the child learns to tantrum to get what they want. That's when you see not just the terrible two's, but also the terrible three's, the ferocious four's, and the bratty fives.

Presetting a child so they know the expectations, limits, consistency, calm, reward, removal, love.

Great post. Thank you. I really want to teach her what's right. I've seen the outcome of children that were given into and I don't want that for her. She's such an amazing and smart little girl, I want her to keep that and grow into a strong adult.

 

[ilovejack02]

Oh you had to go there didn't you. I am in the pits of teenager or preteen he**. She was such a sweet easy baby, she really was. But now, she looks at me like I have 3 heads. And then rolls her eyes.

She will go back to being a sweet girl one day too .

My oldest is 21, he turned back into my angel when he hit 20. He turned into some whiney self centered brat at 17. Goodness that was a rough three years.

Just gotta let them live. My Mom says to this day that she is so glad she let me live, that I am a joy to be around now .

 

[mhsjax]

Great post. Thank you. I really want to teach her what's right. I've seen the outcome of children that were given into and I don't want that for her. She's such an amazing and smart little girl, I want her to keep that and grow into a strong adult.

Well, you have won half of the battle right there. YOu realized what you need to do and are trying to do it, which is all any of us can do. She will learn, just not all at once. She is 2, this is her job to push the limits, you just show her what the limits are.

My youngest was a real handful, he was pretty sick when born and just had a nasty attitude. When he was 2 and 3 he was a night mare, he didn't know the meaning of the word no. I actually took him to a therapist because he was so difficult. She told me that he feel into the strong willed category. She told me that you keep telling him no, and for every time that you give in and tell him yes, you have to complete around 10 more no's. I am sure that this probably applies to most kids in regards to no and yes. so just hang in there and once you have said no, don't give in. Be prepared to do whatever you have to.

NOw, I have to go and deal with my pre teen who, I guarantee you, will roll her eyes at me when I give her a few things to do in order to help me for tomorrow. See what you have to look forward to.

 

[tw1nsmom]

Great post. Thank you. I really want to teach her what's right. I've seen the outcome of children that were given into and I don't want that for her. She's such an amazing and smart little girl, I want her to keep that and grow into a strong adult.

I want to emphasize that this is a long term process. If she tantrum's it doesn't mean it isn't working or that you are doing something wrong or that she is bad in any way. As others have said, this is a really normal stage that almost all children go through and it can last well into their "3's". However, not every child naturally begins to understand their limits and you want to start now to teach her that she won't be rewarded for bad behavior.

 

[mhsjax]

She will go back to being a sweet girl one day too .

My oldest is 21, he turned back into my angel when he hit 20. He turned into some whiney self centered brat at 17. Goodness that was a rough three years.

Just gotta let them live. My Mom says to this day that she is so glad she let me live, that I am a joy to be around now .

This is the exact advice I was given my a mom who won't take crap form anyone, I was shocked when she told me that. I am taking this advice , but it is so hard, she is only 12 and her attitude makes me want to strangle her sometimes. Than others she is great. But thanks for the info. I will use it.

 

[Carnie]

Honestly, think about whatever it is you" have" to do in public. Does she need to come along? Can you find someone to watch her?

If you do go out, make it short, quick stops. This way you can build on success. Perhaps you can go to the store for 3 items at first (milk, cereal and waffles or something). Get in, get out. This should, in theory, be a quick, painless trip. Finish, and praise, praise, praise!

Do your "big shop" when she doesn't have to come along.

The purpose of the quick trip? To take her out and let her have SUCCESS. Don't set her up to fail by expecting compliance for 45 minutes. Make it 10 minutes. Then slowly increase it.

Pretty soon, your expectations will match what she is developmentally capable of....

Baby steps. Two is, after all, still more babylike than big kidlike.

 

[ilovejack02]

This is the exact advice I was given my a mom who won't take crap form anyone, I was shocked when she told me that. I am taking this advice , but it is so hard, she is only 12 and her attitude makes me want to strangle her sometimes. Than others she is great. But thanks for the info. I will use it.

My biggest piece of advice to use with teenagers, do not engage. Don't fight back, only try to reason once. Other than that walk away , until all have calmed down. Took me quite awhile not to react to rolling eyes and foot stomps etc, but once I did our home was a happier place. If he rolled his eyes during a discussion, I would walk away and quietly say when you can look at me without making faces we will finish what we are discussing.

HOLY MOLY , it is almost the same thing you do with a 2 yr old .

SHHH don't tell the teenagers I said that, they will only roll their eyes at us.