Discipline advice needed.....

[lukenick1]

Exactly.... I see a lot here that does not really sound appropriate. Going all the way back to the OP's original post.

I know that this is the DIS, and I have my flame-suit on...
If you are not all 'pat on the back' and 'touchy-feely' and 'it's all okay'... you get flamed.

But if even a fraction of the OP's comments here on this thread are true, as stated... There is a lot going on that is not appropriate. Not 'healthy'.

The fact that the OP is, like, VERY, defensive (and then denies and back-tracks) also says a lot.

I never said I withhold food from my child??? Also, please point out what is NOT healthy? What exactly does my comments and defense say about me? I'm really curious......

 

[princessmom29]

"Thank God it is not a reflection of us because we do have one good kid". I know you were just venting, but kids really pick up on the energy behind what you say. You may be projecting this feeling non-verbally without being aware of it. I'm not judging you. I know, believe me, how hard this is because I live it. Sometimes the behaviors are the only means kids have to communicate to us that things aren't right. I wrote my response to you early on in this thread, and I'm so sorry if you felt judged or misunderstood. But these kids who are struggling (and if they're consistently acting out, they are struggling in some way) need us to be their voice. It just made me sad that you were trying to deal with this by punishment and discipline, when what your son needs is understanding. Just be ready for your pediatrician to maybe not completely being effective in "diagnosing" ADHD. You may want to find a developmental pediatrician in your area. Also, there can be ADD without the hyperactivity component. It really sounds like your son has dysgraphia, and there are tons of supports the school can give him. I would insist on a full neuropsych evaluation, because assumptions can be made without having the full objective screening. Good luck, OP, and if you need any help with this feel free to PM me. I've been on this journey with my son for 7 years. Sorry if you felt unfairly criticized, was not my intention.

I don't totally agree with this. Understanding yes, but as a subustute for discipline no. Both are needed. When DD does something that gets her in trouble she recieves consequences, but we also talk about why she made a poor decision, how she feels about it, and what she will do next time. ADD or no ADD one doesn't do much good without the other.

He can't earn back to green? Where is the incentive to do better? Once he's in the red his day is basically shot. It doesn't sound like a good situation.

It looks like the teachers could find a way to work with your DS where it isn't so harsh. Are all the children treated the same way, or are they "extra" hard on your DS because he needs to "focus"? Is the "nit picking" counted against him?

Poor kid. If he didn't like school to begin with, he's really going to hate it now. Third grade doesn't have to be that tough. Kids should have room to breathe without punishments. They are still kids. What happened to building a relationship with the student and trying to help in a positive way?

I hope you re-think the x-box thing. He's getting an awful lot of reprimands at school. I'd ease up on him. I think they are way too strict. He will learn the ropes. He's paying a high price at school, I wouldn't make him do it again at home. I would talk to him about the teacher's expectations and what is stopping him from meeting them. Try to problem solve together.

I wish they had a positive plan.

I don't like the idea of earning your way out of trouble personally. Where are the consequences for poor behavior if you can just get back what you lost? Why bother to try to stay on green at all if you know you can do what you want and then "earn it back"??? You can bet if my kid gets in trouble at school she gets in trouble at home agian. I just don't get the idea that a child should be able to earn their way out of the consequences for poor behavior. Where is the accountability??

 

[OceanAnnie]

I don't totally agree with this. Understanding yes, but as a subustute for discipline no. Both are needed. When DD does something that gets her in trouble she recieves consequences, but we also talk about why she made a poor decision, how she feels about it, and what she will do next time. ADD or no ADD one doesn't do much good without the other.

I don't like the idea of earning your way out of trouble personally. Where are the consequences for poor behavior if you can just get back what you lost? Why bother to try to stay on green at all if you know you can do what you want and then "earn it back"??? You can bet if my kid gets in trouble at school she gets in trouble at home agian. I just don't get the idea that a child should be able to earn their way out of the consequences for poor behavior. Where is the accountability??

I don't know. I do see your point. But I don't think one size fits all. Here you have a child that wasn't a behavior problem last year, but is having problems in the beginning of this year. I think the variables matter. Understanding the problem matters. A heavy hand is not always the best way in all situations.

I don't know if the reminders to focus are being held against him. It may be the case. Even if it isn't, I would hope more effort would be spent on building a rapport with the student.

 

[cornflake]

Withholding food from a child is NEVER an appropriate form of discipline. Never.

Seriously? 'No dinner until you finish your chore?' isn't appropriate? How about go to bed without dessert? Not appropriate?

No one is talking about locking a kid in a closet and starving them. I said the kid should be made to have an actual consequence and carry it through, rather than being let off the hook because he didn't want to do it, which seemed to be what the OP suggested happened.

Kids are not fragile little snowflakes who shouldn't be made to feel a moment's discomfort or never face an actual consequence because it's hard or might make them feel bad or might make them wait for dinner.

The OP said she'd used line writing as a punishment, I suggested she carry it through. Seems appropriate to me.

 

[princessmom29]

I don't know. I do see your point. But I don't think one size fits all. Here you have a child that wasn't a behavior problem last year, but is having problems in the beginning of this year. I think the variables matter. Understanding the problem matters. A heavy hand is not always the best way in all situations.

I don't know if the reminders to focus are being held against him. It may be the case. Even if it isn't, I would hope more effort would be spent on building a rapport with the student.

but the OP siad he DID have similar problems last year but got better after christmas. Understanding the problem IS absolutely vital, but shouldn't take the place of holding the child responsible for poor choices and helping them to make better ones the next time. Consequences HAVE to be a part of that.

 

[OceanAnnie]

but the OP siad he DID have similar problems last year but got better after christmas. Understanding the problem IS absolutely vital, but shouldn't take the place of holding the child responsible for poor choices and helping them to make better ones the next time. Consequences HAVE to be a part of that.

IIRC, it wasn't as bad. I thought the OP said her son got 2 notes last year and already he has surpassed that early this year.

Like I said, I don't think one size fits all. I don't think the boy should get a "pass" on bad behavior, but what about sitting him closer to the teacher? That could help. Rewarding good behavior. Discreet signals to get the child back on task. It just seems heavy handed on doling out punishments with no positive plan to get him on the right track.

I'll agree to disagree with you on this one.

 

[TinkPirateMom]

Ya know, I never thought to ask. There were so many questions it got left out. Anyway, they did say that once the red light is given he does NOT get the chance to earn back down to a green. Basically 3 strikes your out! 3rd grade is tough!

Glad your meeting with the teacher went well. I think the student should have a chance to move back up to yellow or green. Otherwise, what is the point in behaving any better for the rest of the day?

 

[TinkPirateMom]

I don't like the idea of earning your way out of trouble personally. Where are the consequences for poor behavior if you can just get back what you lost? Why bother to try to stay on green at all if you know you can do what you want and then "earn it back"??? You can bet if my kid gets in trouble at school she gets in trouble at home agian. I just don't get the idea that a child should be able to earn their way out of the consequences for poor behavior. Where is the accountability??

Well the way I was taught to use the green, yellow, red behavioral method was this:
Student misbehaves (not following directions, etc) they get a verbal warning that they will be moved down to yellow. 2nd misbehavior they are just moved to yellow because they have been given a warning already. At this point student can continue with misbehavior in which case they get moved to red. At any point after being placed on yellow or red they can raise their hand and ask for their timer to be set. The timer is set for ten minutes. Good behavior moves them back up 1 level. They can do this twice to get back to green from red.
This does not get them out of consequences. The note still goes home saying they were moved to red x amount of times and remained there for x amount of time. For example, losing the first few minutes of recess or not getting a reward if a reward system is in place.
If they never move back up from red then they have no reason to turn themselves around for day.

 

[mkstlowe]

I am completely at my witts end with my DS8. He has a real problem with listening (as a lot of kids do I know) but he is getting in trouble in school. It is only 3 weeks into school and he has already had 2 notes sent home about his behavior. NOT LISTENING! He barely listens at home too. I went through this with him last year and we did the positive rewards (earning stickers and then a reward for good behavior) and that didn't work either. Now I am resorting to grounding him. Can anyone offer me any advice as to what to do? I feel that If I make the punishments miserable enough that maybe he will finally get the message? I took all toys and entertainment out of his bedroom and am making him stay in there with only books for the whole weekend and that has been a challenge getting him to stay in there. I really don't know what else to do to get him to understand that not listening at school and at home equals consequences. He just does not get it!

I feel your pain. I'm in the same boat with you. My DS is 8 also and has behavior issue. He has good days and bad days. I have paid to see doctors. It helps at times, but others days it does not. My insurance will only allow so much per year. I can say it sometimes helps but sometimes does not. So all the money I paid shows no improvement. I started with thinking he was ADHD. He is not, but he does have a behavior issue. I will follow this thread as I would love to see what people have to say. I'm also a little scared. Some people judge to quickly and it hurts!! Fingers crossed that people are answering to help and not judge us as parents! Happy I'm not alone!!!