Difficult Situation

[clutter]

Wow, to be honest the person I'm losing respect for the most here is not his exwife, but him.

Clearly, you are not on the same page. He's telling you what you want to hear and testing the limits of how much more you will put up with. And you are just teaching him that it's okay to treat you that way.

Same page maybe, but he may be in a different book.

And the comment "she is waiting for you to blow up," blows me away. He knows what she is doing, and he's letting it play out? Frankly, it sounds like HE is the one playing games. It's like he's pitting the two of you against each other, and he's playing the innocent martyr in the middle. I imagine there is a part of him that is eating it up.

By letting her wait, he is NOT moving forward with you. He is waiting to see if it blows up as well. That way he doesn't have to deal with her until maybe the next girlfriend. How is this fair to you, her or his son? Even himself? Sounds like when it does blow up, he goes back to her in some way, shape or form. It's almost like he likes that fact that 'someone' is attracted to him when he's not in a relationship, so he is stringing her along for his own psyche.

That is not love, period. Love would be protecting you from this situation, not letting it continue knowing it hurts you.

.

 

[Lauree]

I am going to have a serious talk with him this weekend. I don't think I have been totally honest with myself regarding how much I can tolerate. There won't be any whining, complaining, or screaming. Just a simple "Think about how much you love me.......well, this is what I need" type of discussion. Had a male friend tell me last night he needs to know that I was in a relationship where I was taken for granted and won't have it happen again. Really appreciate all the thoughts! Reading the spectrum of ideas has helped me a great deal.

 

[mckelvey72]

When I met my boyfriend he was spending time with the ex and the kid, going to movies, carnivals etc. I let it go for a little while and when it became clear that we had a future, I told him it was time for him and I to take the kid to the movies, carnivals etc. And he listened. We have been together 8 years now. In the beginning I stayed away from school functions and birthday parties but after a year I started slowly going to functions for his daughter. The ex and i went thru a rough time period but in the end it all worked out. We even offered to take her other son to Disney with us, both last year and for this year.

You need to have a serious talk with him, and if he sees your point and does not go to the wedding with her, then you will be OK. If he still goes to the wedding (and wasn't formally invited by the bride and groom), then you need to get out and get out quick.

Just my opinion. Good luck but remember, if he does not stand up to her after all this time...it isn't going to change. If he loves you and wants a life with you, he won't want to hurt you.

I have been the "other" woman for a long time and have been thru alot so if you ever want to talk privately please feel free to message me!!!


Donna

 

[branv]

Good luck Lauree -- I've been impressed with your willingness to listen to everyone's input. I know criticism of the person you love, and even perceiving it towards yourself, must be very difficult. I wish you the best of luck, and I really do hope this guy is willing to listen to you and make real changes. If not, I hope you realize your worth, and make a choice that is best for you in the long run.

Best wishes to you.

 

[disneydee6]

OP, I know so many opinions have been given, and you've received well which is nice.

So here's my 2 cents.

I've been in a long term relationship where his mother was been given TOP priority. Plans were dropped, and feelings were hurt so she could be pleased. And I, like you, tried to be strong about it, and put my feelings aside so that everyone (except me) could be happy and no feathers ruffled. I would say things that would get talked about, but his words were never put into action. But, eventually, I became worn down, and decided to end it because I realized that my feelings were not his priority. It was then that he realized how much he had screwed up by not listening to me. Begged and pleaded for a second chance, which I reluctantly gave.

Things are different now, because I SAY something. I refuse to sit by and let my feelings be ignored. It's made a difference. Don't sit by when your BF is doing something to upset you. You've been patient, respectful and caring of his relationship with his ex, but it's not being reciprocated by your BF and his ex. Why should you sit and let people disrespect you? From what I have read through here, I see it's been 8 years of this 'divorced' relationship, and only 8 months of the new one. She isn't used to it and is pushing the boundaries of your patience. Let him know that you don't feel comfortable with him attending the wedding as her date. Your feelings are understandable, and he should respect them, and SHOW you that he means what he says when he wants you in his future.

Saying how you feel isn't always easy, but you need to in this case. OP I wish you all the best.

 

[FayeW]

I think this thread is a whole lot of hullabaloo over a guy going to his ex-brother-in-law's wedding. Very few people go to weddings because that's how they want to spend a Saturday afternoon. He's going because this event is an important event in HIS SON'S extended family. I don't think it's nearly as nefarious as some people are making it out to be.

This is the dynamic he has with his ex and their son. I am not saying that the time hasn't come to include the OP and/or back away from the stuff that is not specific to the son. Just saying that an event that has already been agreed to is not the place where you draw the line in the sand. It may be the time to say "I'm really not comfortable with the amount of time you spend socializing with your ex. After this wedding is over we need to talk this through and see if we can make some changes that will make all of us happier"

Ultimatums rarely turn out the way you hope.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

I think this thread is a whole lot of hullabaloo over a guy going to his ex-brother-in-law's wedding. Very few people go to weddings because that's how they want to spend a Saturday afternoon. He's going because this event is an important event in HIS SON'S extended family. I don't think it's nearly as nefarious as some people are making it out to be.

This is the dynamic he has with his ex and their son. I am not saying that the time hasn't come to include the OP and/or back away from the stuff that is not specific to the son. Just saying that an event that has already been agreed to is not the place where you draw the line in the sand. It may be the time to say "I'm really not comfortable with the amount of time you spend socializing with your ex. After this wedding is over we need to talk this through and see if we can make some changes that will make all of us happier"

Ultimatums rarely turn out the way you hope.

I get what you are saying. Have the talk with DBF, but set the expectation that AFTER the wedding the behavior needs to change. That also gives DBF the opportunity to let the Ex know that things will be changing.

 

[Lauree]

I get what you are saying. Have the talk with DBF, but set the expectation that AFTER the wedding the behavior needs to change. That also gives DBF the opportunity to let the Ex know that things will be changing.

That is exactly my plan. I do not plan to make him choose. I just want him to consider my feelings and start telling his ex "no" at times or "lets do this another way." I want him to take some control. Thanks again.

 

[Lauree]

Good luck Lauree -- I've been impressed with your willingness to listen to everyone's input. I know criticism of the person you love, and even perceiving it towards yourself, must be very difficult. I wish you the best of luck, and I really do hope this guy is willing to listen to you and make real changes. If not, I hope you realize your worth, and make a choice that is best for you in the long run.

Best wishes to you.

Thank you so very much for this message!

 

[disykat]

I get what you are saying. Have the talk with DBF, but set the expectation that AFTER the wedding the behavior needs to change. That also gives DBF the opportunity to let the Ex know that things will be changing.

I disagree. I think the changes need to happen at the time you make a commitment that your relationship is heading towards marriage. By the time an engagement happens that switch needs to be pretty much flipped IMO or he isn't ready.

 

[Bluestars]

I can't answer all the questions. The person getting married is her brother. When he told me about the wedding, he indicated he wasn't going to have a good afternoon. I said "Do you have to go?" He kind of stuttered and just replied "I like her brother alright." I know nothing of invitations or wedding details. He acted as if he didn't really have a choice, or that it would just be easier to attend. I have considered saying "I think I will go with you." It wouldn't be too weird because I have met her parents, sister, and the brother. Have been around his son a good bit over the last several months. However, if he wanted me to go.....he would have said something.

It's strange that his brother-in-law wouldn't have sent him an invitation. I think if he was close to the person getting married, he should have received an invitation and would have been able to take you as his date. Something sounds off about him going as his ex's date, even if it is for the marriage of her brother. Don't they know he's dating someone? There is no way I would have gone to a wedding as my ex's date while I was in a serious relationship with someone.

My advice is to hope for change, but don't expect it. I would not move in with this guy until after he changed, if that happens. Although he may grumble, it sounds like he is a willing participant in this close relationship with his ex. Personally, I wouldn't stay in a relationship like that. I hope you have some luck talking to him.

 

[Pugsly]

Having lived this (except my BF had been divorced 20 years and kids were grown!), I stuck it out because I saw something in him that told me he was worth it. I had to continue letting my feelings known, and yes, he got it. And no, the ex still doesn't get it (she went so far as to tell him she had a psychic vision that I would leave him in 3 years - that was the week of our wedding).

I asked DH what his advice for you would be and very quickly, he said the BF has to either let his ex go emotionally or let you go. The situation isn't healthy for any of you (including his son), and if he doesn't cut the emotional ties, neither he or the ex can truly move on.

Good luck to you. I truly wish you the best.

 

[lsyorke]

Just want to clarify one point. When he and the ex are out, their son is with them. It is a family thing for them, and I have even been included a couple of times. When I begin to think back on when she started to act hateful towards me, it really started after those times. She is thinking about herself now, because my relationship has NEVER affected him spending time with his son. I have always been respectful of that, and he is very clear about the time devoted to his son (which I respect). I can tell that he avoids confrontation with her. He admits it. I am trying to be supportive and show empathy. I am seeing signs that approach isn't going to work, though. Thinking about a very "in control" serious "things are going to have to adjust" discussion.

I'm very good friends with DH's ex and her husband. This relationship evolved over time, but at no point did she or DH "go out" together with my stepkids. While having a son together will always mean they will have contact, that relationship needs to change now that you are in the picture.

Family events for her family should be attended by her and the son. Family events for his family should be attended by him, you and his son.

Your boyfriend should not be attending her family events, that's very strange. He divorced her, not his son, I totally understand that, but the relationship he has with her is not healthy for anyone new coming into his life.
It's wonderful that he's there for his son, but he needs to cut the cord with the ex-wife, if he doesn't then you will never be a priority in that relationship.

 

[nephthys43]

I'm going through a similar situation. I've been putting up with it for 2 1/2 years. I'm done. He keeps saying things will get better, but they don't. She's a control freak who's still upset he left. He hasn't moved in with me yet because of her. I can't do it anymore. This is killing me, but I can't live like this. I was going to talk to him about it today, but once again I got pushed aside. I love him with everything in me, but sometimes that's not enough.

Only you can decide what's right for you. You know your heart and you know him. All I can say is don't be as blind as I've been. If he shows you again and again that she comes first, then you need to be strong and change that. With or without him.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I think what the other exes have said is also critically important. While he may not have had/or is going to have a physical relationship again. They are still very much mentally & emotionally involved. YOU have even said you feel like he is going to be her DATE at the wedding. Hello? YOU have received a major red flag. you need to heed your own intuition. It is right on the mark.




Your BD needs to read the book: Spiritual Divorce.

They are still very much "married" in another way. Their relationship status has changed from "married" to "divorced" but they are still very much tied to each other, and not just for the kid. SHE has already admitted she is afraid of change and him growing away from her. Change and growth can be good.










I believe the OP thinks she has no other choice because at CORE she knows HE will not change. That if she CHOOSES to stay in this relationship, then she really has to accept that the BF +(ex)wife are the ones who will NOT change. What he really wants is an (ex)wife and a girlfriend who will accept what THEY have without changing them. That's what he means whe he says he needs her to be "stronger."

It's an interesting manipulation to tell someone they must be "stronger" when they mean the situation is not going to change and the person must bend backwards to accept what they know in their hearts, that for them, to be wrong. For someone else, this may be okay. But yo have already stated you feel worn out. Bending backwards does that.

This isn't about being "stronger' and staying with the status quo. This is about LISTENING to your own instincts/intuition, to the red flags you have seen and asking if you really want to be a part of this or going off, and holding out to find what you want with someone who can give you what you want and deserve to have. THAT would be being stronger and having faith.

Seems like you are at a point for you to decide if THIS is what you want. It's not changing for them. He has already told you that by asking you to be "stronger." He means "be someone else."

I think there is a lot of truth in every word of your post.

Maybe I missed it, but what exactly happened when the ex-wife got upset that you were all going to the movies? How did your boyfriend respond? Did he comfort the ex-wife? Assure her that the group of you weren't going? How did the cancellation go down? How long did it even take for her to pull those strings? I think the amount of time it took for her to nix your plans is in direct correlation to how much power she has in your relationship.

There are a number of unacceptable issues going on and the crux is exactly what Imzadi stated. There is a power play going on and the one with the power is the ex-wife.

I think you should think long and hard on how you are going to broach this. I'd stick to the facts, extract emotion and lay it all out there. Not many women would agree to such an arrangement. You would not be unreasonable calling attention to it. Calling it, "being strong", is just putting a big red bow on a crap sandwich (pardon the french). It's BS pure and simple. The calls, the dating, the cancelling of your plans? All BS. It is reasonable to want that to stop. It is unreasonable to expect you to, "be strong", and eat it.

Good luck with this. I know it has to be hard, but you can help your boyfriend maintain a relationship with his children and ex-wife without the extras that make it a murky mess. Tell your boyfriend you have been the strong one. Now it's his turn. Help your boyfriend to set healthy boundaries and stick to it. The ex-wife will balk, but if the boyfriend will be, "the strong one", like he wants you to be -- it is doable.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

OP said she was going to have a conversation with the boyfriend this weekend. Hopefully she posts an update.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

Bumping.

Hope you had the strength and courage to have that much needed conversation with him!

 

[kellyg403]

OP good luck.

One piece of advise from someone who has been there. If this is something you really want, ie this man, you will need to set boundaries now that you can live with. AND enforce them. At some point, if you do not, you will be resentful and it just won't work out. If he is worth it to you, know that you will need to learn to be flexible within the boundaries but never crossing them.

Ultimatums won't work, he won't understand that you are not asking him to choose between you and his children. I think men have a hard time separating mom and kids. They are intertwinned enough for them to be one and the same to him. You will have to find a way to make this totally about the adults and totally about the happiness and welfare of your relationship.

I hope you had a good conversation and I hope things improve!

Kelly

 

[carrie1626]

Think back and remember who many times something like this has come up. How did your BF bring it up to you? How did he explain it, was it for his son or to keep peace with the ex. Does he state he's afraid she's going to.......if he's does/doesn't...... How did you feel?

Nothing can/will change IF nothing changes.

 

[jen0610]

I'm very good friends with DH's ex and her husband. This relationship evolved over time, but at no point did she or DH "go out" together with my stepkids. While having a son together will always mean they will have contact, that relationship needs to change now that you are in the picture.

Family events for her family should be attended by her and the son. Family events for his family should be attended by him, you and his son.

Your boyfriend should not be attending her family events, that's very strange. He divorced her, not his son, I totally understand that, but the relationship he has with her is not healthy for anyone new coming into his life.
It's wonderful that he's there for his son, but he needs to cut the cord with the ex-wife, if he doesn't then you will never be a priority in that relationship.

If he had received his own invite, I don't see an issue with him attending the wedding. After my aunt and uncle divorced, she was still invited to different family gatherings. She and my cousin, would be there for some of those gatherings, others they wouldn't be. Some times my uncle was there, but most of them he wouldn't be, unless it was a major holiday, as he was living in CO and couldn't easily make it in for a 3/4 day weekend.

What makes the OP's example weird, she knows the groom that is getting married. The groom knows that the OP is dating his exBIL. If he wanted the BIL there, with or without a date, then there should have been an invite sent to him directly. Not included on the exWives invite.