Did you help with your child's wedding? How much did you spend?

[Dawnlight]

Married 21 years ago, abroad. My mother (single mom) didn't contribute towards wedding expenses as she was traveling to come to the wedding itself and it was a costly expense for her. His family also didn't contribute anything towards the wedding because we dared to do things our way instead of their way. They didn't even give us a gift. We paid for it entirely ourselves; stupidly taking out a loan to cover cost of inviting his entire extended family. (both against my better judgement, both the loan and the invites).

We will not be in a position to pay for our children's weddings. They know that they'll be self-paying.

 

[Dawnlight]

Am I the only one here who thinks if you are mature enough and stable enough to get married you should pay for the wedding yourselves? I believe lavish weddings are a huge waste of $$ and that couples often spend more time thinking about the wedding than thinking about the actual marriage. I might buy the dress or give a gift of $$ after the nuptials, but no- not putting a large contribution towards a wedding.

No, I believe the same. I think the idea of the parents paying the wedding costs is very antiquated in this day and age. I also am not a fan of large, expensive, elaborate weddings (or any event for that matter). It's so wasteful in my opinion. Rather save that money towards divorce costs! Wish I had!!

 

[Hikergirl]

I never saw it as a “gift to her husband” but as a gift from the parents to their dd.

My sister and her husband paid for their daughter’s weddings. Both large and extravagant. My parents paid for both mine and my sister’s. Honestly, I don’t know any brides of whatever age whose parents didn’t pay for the wedding. Unless it was a second marriage.

And most,honestly, see it as something they are doing for their daughter not the daughter doing for the groom. That seems like an odd way to look at it, to me.

I don't see it that either, but I do think that the tradition of the bride's family paying for the wedding comes from a time when a dowry was give to the groom's family for "taking" the daughter into theirs. That tradition changed, now it is time for the current one of the bride's parents paying for a wedding to change too IMO.

(second bolded) I'd rather give my dd the gift of an education, than the gift of a wedding ceremony. One is way more important than the other.

 

[okeydokey]

Our kids are college age now, but we are happy to give them both something toward their weddings. They have always been respectful of our finances so I am sure they will be reasonable. Besides, they both worked hard in high school to earn merit scholarships to college, so we saved a lot there.

If we can afford it, I can't imagine not contributing. it's something we WANT to do for them.

 

[buzznina]

I always thought this was one of the dumbest and archaic "traditions". Why should only one side have to pay for the wedding, even when I got married 33 years ago, me, my parents and my future in-laws split the cost 3 ways.

 

[luvsJack]

I don't see it that either, but I do think that the tradition of the bride's family paying for the wedding comes from a time when a dowry was give to the groom's family for "taking" the daughter into theirs. That tradition changed, now it is time for the current one of the bride's parents paying for a wedding to change too IMO.

(second bolded) I'd rather give my dd the gift of an education, than the gift of a wedding ceremony. One is way more important than the other.

Well of course an education is more important. And depending on what the dd plans to do as a career that can be very expensive or at the least reasonably expensive. If it was either/or, I would choose the education also.

Traditions change and change back all the time. Some families prefer to do things traditionally, some do not. Sometimes situations in each family is such that traditions are followed or thrown out due to necessity. Neither way is wrong or right, honestly.

 

[Hikergirl]

Well of course an education is more important. And depending on what the dd plans to do as a career that can be very expensive or at the least reasonably expensive. If it was either/or, I would choose the education also.

Traditions change and change back all the time. Some families prefer to do things traditionally, some do not. Sometimes situations in each family is such that traditions are followed or thrown out due to necessity. Neither way is wrong or right, honestly.

I agree, and families should do whatever they feel is right for them.
I have no intention of following the tradition of paying for my dd's wedding, I think it is a tradition that is better left in the past.

ETA I have every intention of giving money to all my kids for their wedding gift, how they choose to use that is up to them. I would hate to see them use it because they needed it for a portion of their wedding. I would rather see them save it for a house, or just the future in general. However I'm not going to put any stipulations on it, they can do whatever they want.

 

[dolewhipdreams]

We got married 5 years ago at a young age (20 & 21). We did not go into it with any expectation that our parents would pay anything. The important thing was that we would get married. If that meant we went to the courthouse then had our best friends and closest family over in my parent's backyard, so be it. We were blessed with a gift of $3,000 from my MIL and around $1,000 from my parents. The total cost of our wedding was less than $5,000.

We live in the midwest, had around 125 guests with the ceremony and reception in a church that we were able to use for free. The ceremony was in the early afternoon and we provided light refreshments at the reception (no alcohol was allowed- that saved a ton of money). We payed for the groomsmen's outfits and I helped my bridesmaid with 50% of their dress cost. All decorations were DIY, my grandma catered, a friend of a friend did our photos for $20/hour.

If we had more money, I could easily have spent it. Who doesn't want a nice wedding? I think anything over $20K is excessive. It's interesting how many engaged couples put more resources and effort into their wedding than they do preparing for their marriage. That's my biggest piece of advice for people thinking about getting married- would you be just as happy with two witnesses in a courtroom as with a princess fairytale affair? If not, then maybe what you want is a wedding, not a marriage.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I just want to say the tradition of the brides family paying for the wedding is so old and out dated and that tradition needs to be broken. It is so wrong for the grooms parents and family not to pay anything is wrong. This is your sons wedding too, not a free loading weekend.
.

The groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner and all the flowers and for all the mens clothes. The groom (or his family) pays for the rock on the bride's finger and the honeymoon and the fees for the wedding license and the pastor. Those aren't trivial expenses. So the groom's family isn't freeloading. Note that Jewish weddings follow a differing tradition.

By the way this only applies to first weddings. For second weddings, well the couple is on their own. Also if the bride and groom are on their own and say in their 40s, even if it's a first wedding, the parents are not expected to pay.

 

[focusondisney]

I guess it all boils down to your view of what a parent does.
DW and I agreed before we had kids that we would pay for their college, a car, and their weddings. Now, certainly there are/were financial limits, like a $10,000 car not a $50,000 Corvette.
To DW and I, that is just something parents do.
While we hope never to be a financial burden on our kids, but the reality is, when we get older, we made need some of their time and help. Just what families do. Parents take care of kids, and then at some point, kids take care of parents.

We did very similar things for our kids. DH & I both came from working class families of 6 kids. Our parents did not pay for cars or college & gave us token amounts towards our wedding. We chose to have a smaller family, 2 kids, & we both have higher paying jobs. It was very important to my DH that we do certain things for our kids: cars & college were his priorities. They only paid 5K total towards their undergrad costs, just so they had some investment in their own futures. Each got a used car, but a really good 1 year old used car that took them thru college & the first few years after. DS had housing costs for out of town college. DD lived at home but changed majors & went to school longer.

Our DD got married first, in 2009. It was a small wedding, less than 100 people at a local wedding venue. We paid for everything except the photographer, DD & SIL paid for that. The groom's parents paid for the rehearsal dinner (only 15 people) at a near by restaurant. They offered to assist with the wedding, but we had it covered so they paid for the honeymoon. Our total cost for the wedding was about $11000.

Our DS was married in 2016. Larger wedding, 200 guests in a popular, trendy downtown restaurant with banquet rooms. We gave them $6000 towards the wedding & hosted the rehearsal dinner. That was a buffet dinner & 3 hour open bar for 35 people in a lakeside restaurant & was about $3000. I am not sure of the total costs for the wedding. But I know her parents paid most of the costs. We basically gave them the money to spend as they chose. DDIL & DS made all the decisions with her parents writing the checks. Our total cost towards their wedding was $9000.

We had also given DS 2K towards closing costs when they bought their house the year before. For DD we had given her 1000 towards that. So accounting for that, we spent close to the same on both kids for weddings & homes.

We also gave each of them a $1000 check as wedding gifts. We feel very lucky to have been able to do this for our kids. We feel that all these things are gifts we gave them. It is what we wanted to be able to give them & why we wanted a small family. To do things for them our parents couldn't do for us. And our DS & DD did not expect these things. They were both very appreciative & thankful for everything we have given them. Those checks in their wedding cards were unexpected surprises to them & both were moved to tears.

I know many people think differently. But it is just what we wanted to & were able to do for them. And yes, someday they may need to do things for us. Circle of life.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

My parents paid for our wedding reception, but we didn't ask or expect them to do it.

We decided on where we were going to hold it, my parents were there. We invited them along when we went to check it out, and do a "tasting." We figured we could use more than just our opinion.

When we decided to go for it, my dad got out his checkbook and wrote out a check for the deposit. He then booked the honeymoon suite that was on site.

We were shocked. We weren't expecting it at all. I knew that they had paid for my sister's wedding reception, but she was young and not out on her own. I had been living with my future husband for almost two years.

 

[OhMari]

The grooms parents booked a venue they were not paying for?

The groom’s family, by tradition, doesn’t really get away with zero things to pay for. They do the rehearsal dinner, flowers or at least the bride’s bouquet, and the alcohol at the reception. This varies of course. Dd’s bf’s mom plans to host an engagement party about 6 months out so we will do the alcohol in exchange.

Yes, they booked the venue. We had no rehearsal dinner, but we did have a rehearsal, since the wedding was outside on the hill next to the venue, which was an outside (shelter) located next to the barn for the dance. We had to get up early in the morning and decorate. The only thing the grooms parents paid for, was their own clothes for the wedding, they had their own hotel room. My dd and her husband paid for the alcohol, their own rings, paid for the minister. I didn't find out till closer to the wedding, that the grooms parents were not contributing at all. This is why I said, with my next 3 getting married, we held a family meetings and discussed everything. I would never be told again I would be responsible for the entire wedding and the grooms parents would not contribute anything.

The groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner and all the flowers and for all the mens clothes. The groom (or his family) pays for the rock on the bride's finger and the honeymoon and the fees for the wedding license and the pastor. Those aren't trivial expenses.

By the way this only applies to first weddings. For second weddings, well the couple is on their own. Also if the bride and groom are on their own and say in their 40s, even if it's a first wedding, the parents are not expected to pay.

I guess it really does differ, on what is accepted.

 

[luvsJack]

Yes, they booked the venue. We had no rehearsal dinner, but we did have a rehearsal, since the wedding was outside on the hill next to the venue, which was an outside (shelter) located next to the barn for the dance. We had to get up early in the morning and decorate. The only thing the grooms parents paid for, was their own clothes for the wedding, they had their own hotel room. My dd and her husband paid for the alcohol, their own rings, paid for the minister. I didn't find out till closer to the wedding, that the grooms parents were not contributing at all. This is why I said, with my next 3 getting married, we held a family meetings and discussed everything. I would never be told again I would be responsible for the entire wedding and the grooms parents would not contribute anything.




I guess it really does differ, on what is accepted.

I can’t imagine booking a venue that I had no intention of paying for! But maybe the deposit was their contribution?

I know here the deposits range from $500-$2500 with some being higher.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I don't see it that either, but I do think that the tradition of the bride's family paying for the wedding comes from a time when a dowry was give to the groom's family for "taking" the daughter into theirs. That tradition changed, now it is time for the current one of the bride's parents paying for a wedding to change too IMO.

(second bolded) I'd rather give my dd the gift of an education, than the gift of a wedding ceremony. One is way more important than the other.

The bride's family pays for the reception because they're the hosts. The groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner because they're the hosts.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I only have sons and neither are married. When/if it comes to it, we'll help as we can, if they need help.

 

[OhMari]

I can’t imagine booking a venue that I had no intention of paying for! But maybe the deposit was their contribution?

I know here the deposits range from $500-$2500 with some being higher.

No, I had to send them a check for the deposit. Get this, we see the inlaws a lot. They are the nicest people too, which is so baffling.
Here is the place is St. Paul MN www.HopeGlenFarm.com in Cottage Grove, MN. I am pretty sure the total venue was almost $7,000, which pretty much just paid for the place and it got you the grounds for the day. They did supply tables and chairs. We had to rent or buy all the decorations, except the chandellier's.

 

[mrodgers]

I have 2 daughters still in high school. Mom can do whatever she wants, she has all my money. I'm dead broke so no college and no wedding from me.

I'm still worthless though because I can only scrape together lot rent for my 1976 mobile home to live while she takes our girls on 3 vacations a year. Can't seem to understand why I don't take them on vacation. Dang, these Ramen noodles I eat every day for dinner sure are good....

 

[wenrob]

Am I the only one here who thinks if you are mature enough and stable enough to get married you should pay for the wedding yourselves? I believe lavish weddings are a huge waste of $$ and that couples often spend more time thinking about the wedding than thinking about the actual marriage. I might buy the dress or give a gift of $$ after the nuptials, but no- not putting a large contribution towards a wedding.

This. I’ll help out some but if you want the equivalent of a brand new car or a decent down payment on a mortgage you’re on your own.

 

[morgan98]

The bride's family pays for the reception because they're the hosts. The groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner because they're the hosts.

Again, I feel this is looking at it through a more "old fashioned" lens back with the daughter and son went right from their parents' home into their own home. If you have two people who have been living together and working on their own they can "host" and pay for their own event.

I have nothing against tradition, but some of the background about why it is tradition has really changed. Honeymoons often were one night after the wedding at a hotel, not $25k trips to Fiji.

I think each family needs to do what works for them.

I like the idea of giving each child a set amount and letting them use it for whatever the want, no strings attached.

 

[focusondisney]

No, I had to send them a check for the deposit. Get this, we see the inlaws a lot. They are the nicest people too, which is so baffling.
Here is the place is St. Paul MN www.HopeGlenFarm.com in Cottage Grove, MN. I am pretty sure the total venue was almost $7,000, which pretty much just paid for the place and it got you the grounds for the day. They did supply tables and chairs. We had to rent or buy all the decorations, except the chandellier's.

Did the bride & groom pick this venue? Or even check it out before it was booked? I can't imagine I would have reacted well to being told my wedding venue was booked but I had to pay & had no say so in the decision. Losing that deposit would have been a good lesson for the in laws. Hope they are not as interfering in the marriage.