Did anyone ever have your father or your kids' father completely abandon the family?

[NY Disney fan]

I was wondering if any DISers have experienced a father (your father or your childrens' father) abandon the family? My daughter is only a toddler and she "kinda" knows how her father is but not really. I know I'm going to talk with her one day about him but I don't even know what I am going to say. Did you have hard feelings over your father (or mother) leaving you? OR Did you speak negatively about the kids father who never saw them again?

 

[Lindsay22]

NY I'm sending you a PM

 

[Robinrs]

My son's father became bipolar while I was pregnant. He was institutionalized twice in my son's first year of life. He wanders in and out but sometimes is too disoriented to deal with. My son is 16 now and has dealt with him like he was deceased. It hasn't been easy but he manages.

I'm so sorry your little girl is going thru this. Girls need their daddies to understand so much about men in the future. I hope she, like many other fatherless girls before her, realizes that he did not leave because of anything she did.. and eventually she will forgive him.

 

[Mommy2three]

Well I dont have experience with a father walking out my 2 adopted kids bio mom walked out when my now 9 year old was 2 and my 7 year old was just a few weeks old. Left them with a 16 year old sitter and didn't come back for them while my DH was serving over in afghanastan. She came back after 30 days when the army sent DH back home to get the kids. she was only a block away the whole time. She gave custody of the oldest one right away, and then a few days later gave custody of the youngest one for a car. my dh gave her a car and she signed over the youngest one. Dh got honorable discharge and they all, including bio mom, moved back up to WI. She was in and out of my oldest ones life every six months or so, never wanted anything to do with the son, the youngest. Then she took them every other weekend for a month, then stopped all contact for well over a year when we took her to court for termination of rights so I could turn around and adopt them, in WI 6 months of no physical or verbal contact is considered abandonment. She hasn't seen either one of the kids for 3 years now. My oldest one, daughter, has alot of issues from it all....PTSD, reactive attachment disorder, adhd, bipolar, odd, ocd's. But then again she is the one that does remember who her bio mom is, and says she wants nothing to do with her because she doesn't take care of her, I am her real mom, the one who takes care of her on a daily basis...out of her own mouth, and she is 9 going to be 10. She has her fair share of problems from it all, and is getting intensive in home therapy for it all, and hopefully one day she will be able to cope better. My son who is 7, doesn't know who she is...she has stopped by here and he asked her who she was and she said i'm your mom and he said your not my mom thats my mom over there.

He has called me mom from the very first moment I met him, and that was when he was 2 years old.

It can have lasting effects though..whether it be a mother who is not in the picture or the father.....

 

[NY Disney fan]

I'm so sorry your little girl is going thru this. Girls need their daddies to understand so much about men in the future. :

That is what I'm scared of; that my daughter will have issues with men. Thankfully my daughter thinks my father is her father. He is there for her (we live with my parents) and my father is there for my daughter (up at night when she's sick, etc.) . So I am thankful for that.

 

[Muffin]

My father walked out on my mother and me when I was about 2 (I'm 48 now). I don't remember him and honestly haven't really missed him.

My family has never talked bad about him, at least in front of me. The only comment I've ever heard my mother make is that he didn't want to work and be responsible for a family, and that we were probably better off without him because they were always fighting about money and responsibilities.

I've never tried to contact him and he's never tried to contact me that I know of.

I had a very happy childhood and my mother has always provided everything I've ever needed (with a bit of help from my grandparents).

Please feel free to ask any other questions or pm me if you would like. I have a feeling you might need a hug.

 

[Jordans_Mommie]

I am in the same boat. My ex-DH and I separated when my son was 1.5 years old and for the first year he would only see him sporadically and even then he would try to use him as a tool to manipulate me. Once he figured out that he couldn't use my baby to get to me he stopped seeing him all together. My son hasn't seen his Dad since 2007.

He is only 5 right now and doesn't seem to have any memory of his Dad which saddens me. I worry because I know that he will soon have questions and I am not quite sure how I will answer. I know that I will not say anything bad about his father, but I have no idea how I will explain his absence either.

Good luck to you.

 

[apirateslifeforme]

Sort of...kind of...?

My father refused to move out of his parents' house, even when he and my mother were married and I was born. My grandmother was a nasty person and after 2 1/2 years of marriage, my mother took me and left. We came to CT (from Indiana) and moved in with her parents. My father immediately filed for divorce and grudgingly agreed to $25/week for child support. He also demanded 1 month's visitation every summer. He was supposed to fly to CT, go back with me, and vice versa. That never happened...he sent the plane ticket when he was "ready" for my visit. He never took any time off while I was there; I was in his parents' care the whole time, spending my days watching TV and going to garage sales. I remember my grandmother telling me, "I got your mother out of my son's life and I'm going to get rid of you, too."

She got her way. When I was 14, he drove out here a few months after my visit there, just to accuse me of stealing toys from them. He said his mother told him that she had caught me going through the drawers in his room and he wanted the return of the "toys" I'd taken. I hadn't taken anything! He refused to believe me and left that day. I never saw or heard from him again. The day before my 31st birthday, I found out via the Social Security Death Index online that he'd died 6 months earlier. I'm sorry if this sounds cold, but I feel no sadness. I didn't know him; my maternal grandfather, with whom I grew up, was my "dad."

 

[lovemygoofy]

My dad split when I was just a positive sign on a stick. We lived in a small, everyone knows everyone, town. Of course everyone knew the story. Kinda hard to keep that secret and mom couldn't not talk to me about it.

She just told me that he wasn't ready to be a dad. She never said anything bad about him. She and I were a team and a package deal. She made sure that I knew I was loved and wanted even though back then it was still not accepted to have a child out of wedlock, let alone no contact with the dad.

I don't think I had any issues from it. I missed not having the typical TV family like the Beavers or the Cosbys but I always knew I was loved.

One day I was working in my stepdad's office. My real dad came into the office. It's very easily known he is my dad as we look pretty much alike with our eyes and curly brown hair. I got up and walked out of the office but hear my stepdad telling him that he missed out on a hell of a girl.

I think the most important thing is that you resolve your issues with your exhusband and not let your emotions affect your daughter. It could be someday that your exhusband will be back in the picture and want a relationship with your daughter. If he isn't a danger to himself then it would be wrong to deny them both because of the past. There are days I'd like to have a relationship with my bio dad because I'd like to meet his parents or brothers and sisters. I'd like to know where this curly hair came from or my crazy mannerisms like anyone else. It's nice to know where you come from.

In the end you love your daughter and support her. She will learn about men and what to expect by the men you bring into her life whether family or other. That is the bottom line about how I learned.

 

[StefnMike]

My father left when I was a month old. Next time I saw him I was 23 and at my grandfather's funeral (his father).

It was easier for me since I was so young and never knew what having a father meant so I couldn't "miss" it.

Growing up I never had hard feelings because my mother never spoke badly about him to me. I didn't think much of him until I was in high school, although I knew the facts - that he left, never paid CS, never tried to contact us, etc. I don't remember her telling me these things, they were just things that I knew. At some point in my teens I went through a period where I glorified him in my own mind. Your daughter will probably go through this stage as well. Let her. It's normal. She'll want to have what other friends have. My mom tried to stop me and I went behind her back to try to contact him. The let down was horrible when I didn't hear back. I was devestated. My mom was horrified that I did it and we had the worst fight we ever had.

As I grew up and learned about him (through his 4th wife who is seperated from him) the more I dislike the person he is. The more I knew, the more my mom shared with me and the more I dislike him, but it is my decision to make.

I am doing a bad job of putting this into words. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

On a positive note, My mom and I are inseperable because of it. She's is truly my best friend.

You are a great mom for worrying about this. Cultivate an open relationship with your daughter where she can be comfortable talking to you about anything and I don't think that she will miss having her sperm donor in her life.

 

[clovergirl5]

I had a friend whose dh left her and their 3 dc. He has a problem with meth and pot. He also had a habit of quitting his job and just taking off for days at a time. I don't really talk to the friend anymore, but they did just get divorced and as far as I know, the dad doesn't come and see his kids.
to you.

 

[cntrygal]

I had my oldest in high school, his father wanted nothing to do with my once he found out i was pregnant. When my son was two, he decided he wanted to see him. He came over to the house and was there just under two hour. He then moved to Calf. then back to NY and last I knew to AZ, we have no idea where he is now. Hasnt ever tried to make contact since. My son just finish ( like an hour ago) His first semester of college.

 

[moon]

My parents divorced when I was really little and I only saw my father once after that (only because my mom took me to see him. He never once visited me)

I can't say that I missed him, however I grew up with a sense of shame, feeling that he hadn't loved me because somehow I was unworthy. I dreaded my school mates finding out because I was the only one in my class with a living, absent father.

Mind you, these weren't conscious thoughts. I only came to realize it when I grew up. Back then it was more of a feeling, not really a strong one, but always there, in the background.

ETA: My mom never spoke ill about him to me. He was rarely mentioned, but she never said a bad word about him. I know that experts always stress that a parent must never put down the other parent to their children, but I wonder if I had know back then that at least he wasn't the nicest guy I'd felt more that his absence was a character flaw in him, not in me

 

[Pakey]

My son's father abandoned my son 25 years ago when he was 3. He came to visit my son once while we were separated but once divorce was final, he never visited again (and paid no support of course). My son recently located him and made contact and told me that he thinks it's equally his fault that he had no relationship with his biological father. Seriously, how can a 3 year old be responsible?

I've never said anything negative about my ex-husband and I'm keeping my mouth shut now.

 

[Thumper_Man's Wife]

I was wondering if any DISers have experienced a father (your father or your childrens' father) abandon the family? My daughter is only a toddler and she "kinda" knows how her father is but not really. I know I'm going to talk with her one day about him but I don't even know what I am going to say. Did you have hard feelings over your father (or mother) leaving you? OR Did you speak negatively about the kids father who never saw them again?

I never knew my father, he left before I was born. My mom and grandparents talked to me about him, it was never a big secret at our house, growing up I think that helped just to know that it wasn't some huge scandal or something that couldn't be talked about. As I grew up I thought about him. I got the nerve to finally try to reach him when I was in college, and that didn't go over well...but I don't think I've ever harbored any bad feelings towards him. That could be because I've never even seen his face. Never had any contact with him. But I think that because I had a positive atmosphere and was brought up without anyone talking negatively about it, I was able to disengage from the negative feelings.

I think personally that knowing about him and knowing I could talk about him if I wanted to, without being sneered or rejected, It helped in the healing process of any abandonment issues I may have had when I was young and now I think about him from time to time, but it's more of a "I wonder what his life is like now." instead of a "Why did he leave me?" Does that make sense?

 

[Thumper_Man]

My father walked out on my mother and me when I was about 2 (I'm 48 now). I don't remember him and honestly haven't really missed him.

My family has never talked bad about him, at least in front of me. The only comment I've ever heard my mother make is that he didn't want to work and be responsible for a family, and that we were probably better off without him because they were always fighting about money and responsibilities.

I've never tried to contact him and he's never tried to contact me that I know of.

I had a very happy childhood and my mother has always provided everything I've ever needed (with a bit of help from my grandparents).

Please feel free to ask any other questions or pm me if you would like. I have a feeling you might need a hug.

I thought you were telling my story.

My story is almost exactly like yours. Only difference is my father left my mother and I when I was 3. My grandparents owned 2 houses (both built by my grandfather) where I grew up. They rented out the 2nd house to my mom very cheap. They lived across the street, so we were mostly at their house for dinner and such. My grandmother would take care of me after school. My grandfather became dad to me when my father abandoned us. Together they helped my mom raise me.

My mother remarried when I was 11. My step-father assumed the role of dad (even though my grandfather will always be dad to me). I never inquired about my real father, nor did I have any desire to. My mother never talked bad about him, just gave me enough information to know why he left. I had a great childhood. I am now 37 and only once has my biological father attempted to contact me. To this day I still have no desire to know who he is. He abandoned me and that is enough to know I want nothing to do with him.

 

[Disnydad]

Not a father, but my Mom walked out on us (dad and sister) when I was 7. My Dad never says a word about my mom. I have no recollection of my mom at all and have no desire to look her up. My sister (who was 5 at the time) did look up our mom 20+ years later but found our mom is a stranger (big surprise).

 

[NY Disney fan]

My story is almost exactly like yours. Only difference is my father left my mother and I when I was 3. My grandparents owned 2 houses (both built by my grandfather) where I grew up. They rented out the 2nd house to my mom very cheap. They lived across the street, so we were mostly at their house for dinner and such. My grandmother would take care of me after school. My grandfather became dad to me when my father abandoned us. Together they helped my mom raise me.

This is similiar to the reality that I live now. I pray that my parents are there to help me raise my daughter for many years. I thank God that I had had my parents this whole time helping me care for her. I could not have done it all on my own.

 

[Muffin]

I thought you were telling my story.

How funny is that. When I read a post shortly after mine (Stefnmike) I thought the exact same thing.

 

[Thumper_Man]

This is similiar to the reality that I live now. I pray that my parents are there to help me raise my daughter for many years. I thank God that I had had my parents this whole time helping me care for her. I could not have done it all on my own.

I hope your parents are there as well, as my grandparents were for me. Had it not been for them, it might have made it much harder on me and my mom. I'm thankful everyday they were there for me.

From my own personal experience, the best advice I could offer you is; don't talk bad about your little girl's father. As my mom did with me, just give her enough information to satisfy any curiosities she may have about him; if she ever asks. I feel since my mom never talked about my father (bad or good), I never really disliked him for leaving or ever really missed him. I know you simply won't be able to ignore it and hope it goes away. As you mentioned, you know there will come the day you will talk to her about him. She will be curious who he was, what he did, why he left. Honesty is the best policy here. I'm sure when the time comes, you will find the words.