"DH said no" - I don't get it

[Tinkermommy]

So I have read a lot of threads on the DIS (and experienced this in real life) where one person will say for example, "My spouse said no to a Disney trip/new car/etc." And the majority of the time it seems to be women saying this about their DH and it seems to be a money issue.

I may be reading this all wrong, but it seems that the spouse that says no is in the role of the "bad guy." But what the person saying no is being responsible?

In my family, we usually decide on how much money we have for vacations a year and then see what we want to do with that money. Maybe the issue is we have very similar ideas for vacations.

I don't get it. If you don't have the money or have other needs for the money, then you don't go/buy/whatever. It should be a joint decision, not one person's.

Is it a matter of priorities? or interests?

Any insights on this?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I think there are too many variables to determine. There are some partnerships where one must have "permission"....well that is a relational issue.
There are partnerships where it isn't in the budget and the complainer is either saying it in jest....or they are too childish to get it or...the partner refuses to spend precious budget on some other non-necessity.


Most I have seen are posters who get why it is a "no" but are just venting or joking about it.

Like my husband refuses to let me live in Florida...I totally am joking when I say that in my circle. It's how I deal with the reality that my dh must go where the jobs are and they aren't in Florida. He isn't refusing me...the circumstances are and no amount of prioritizng will give me "my way".

I have sensed that those that post this are joking. At least I hope so.

 

[MiniGirl]

I don't think the posters are saying their SOs aren't being responsible. I just posted in another thread that I'd love to buy a piece of property in Belize but dh has said no. Is he being unreasonable? Certainly not. Although I understand completely where he is coming from, it doesn't make me want to do it any less.

In other words, I read those posts, but don't put the other person in the role of "bad guy." I also think many times the poster doesn't either. They just still want to go to Disney (or whatever) and it not being in the budget doesn't lessen the desire.

 

[Luv2Scrap]

I agree there are so many variables that each circumstance is probably different. For one person, it may be an immature, irresponsible, self-entitlement tantrum, and for another, it might be more about, "I understand, and I'll get over it in a minute, but that doesn't mean I have to like it!"

And of course there are probably a thousand other situations somewhere in between.

 

[stichy]

My DH says no because he is the responsible one. No car for 2 more years. Which is okay because I'm going to push more for what I want. When DH and I decide where we want to go on vacation he usually does the price research since he knows what we can afford.

 

[Handbag Lady]

It kinda creeps me out when it is a permission thing. Your spouse isn't your parent.


If it is in jest, it is fun. "My husbnd said no to my idea of selling everything and having us move into the Grand Floridian."

 

[bicker]

I may be reading this all wrong, but it seems that the spouse that says no is in the role of the "bad guy."

I haven't seen that thread, but its safe to assume that whenever we read one side of a story on the Internet that we are, indeed, getting only one side of the story. And the worse "the other guy" is made to sound in the story, the more likely that we're getting a very biased picture of the reality.

It should be a joint decision, not one person's.

True, but actually, I think it is a bit deeper than that: It's best for both partners to have veto power over all major expenses, so effectively, the joint decision is a matter of both partners voting for the expense.

 

[RitaE]

In our family I'm the one who usually says no because quite honestly my DH doesn't have a freakin' clue how much money we have and what we can and can't afford. He's awesome at earning the money but has no interest at all in keeping track of it. I'd love it if he'd "set budgets and decide how much we can spend" but after all these years I've given up. God help the man if I ever die and he has to remember which banks we use.

So this is how it goes.

DH: MacBook Pro. Shiny. I Like.
Me: No. Must pay college tuition instead.

It really doesn't have anything to do with permission. It's just the way it works at our house.

 

[okeydokey]

There is nothing wrong with compromise, but some people don't like to compromise. I see a lot of threads that the OP says, we have gone to Disney every year for the past three years and DH says no for year #4. then everyone else gives ideas on how to "Convince" (ie badger) the partner into giving in or if they won't then the advice is to just go without them. I can't believe some run their relationships this way. In my house, we do compromise. We haven't been to disney since 2007, we may get there this year, maybe next. Either way, we don't bully each other about stuff, but work together.

 

[golfgal]

I think in most situations it would be more proper to say that your spouse doesn't AGREE that you should go to Disney, buy a new car, etc. I don't know that most people are actually asking permission to go just that they want to go and the spouse doesn't agree.

 

[MissyDVC]

It kinda creeps me out when it is a permission thing. Your spouse isn't your parent.


If it is in jest, it is fun. "My husbnd said no to my idea of selling everything and having us move into the Grand Floridian."

Me too

 

[Silent1CB]

Here's what I think happens.

One spouse spends lots of time on the DIS reading about all these people taking vacations. Eventually, they want one too. They think its "normal" to be going to WDW every X months and staying at deluxe resorts. It must be normal. "Everyone" is doing it.

The other spouse is not exposed to the DIS at all and hasn't had this brainwashing effect that the DIS can have after a while. This spouse is a bit more grounded in reality that "normal" families don't need a deluxe WDW vacation every X months. They might be more in tune with what the real priorities of the family actually are. Having money in the bank. Paying off bills. Upcoming expenses. blah blah blah

Of course the DIS member spouse is going to come here, where people "understand" that a WDW trip is important...no matter what else is going on.

And there lies the problem. The DIS has a brainwashing effect on its members to think its normal and a priority in life to keep returning to WDW even when other things might be more important in life at the time.

 

[luvmy3]

It kinda creeps me out when it is a permission thing. Your spouse isn't your parent.


If it is in jest, it is fun. "My husbnd said no to my idea of selling everything and having us move into the Grand Floridian."

I don't see it as permission, but since dh is the one who makes the money, I'm not going to spend thousands of dollars on a vacation unless he OKs it. I

 

[Magpie]

In our family I'm the one who usually says no because quite honestly my DH doesn't have a freakin' clue how much money we have and what we can and can't afford. He's awesome at earning the money but has no interest at all in keeping track of it. I'd love it if he'd "set budgets and decide how much we can spend" but after all these years I've given up. God help the man if I ever die and he has to remember which banks we use.

So this is how it goes.

DH: MacBook Pro. Shiny. I Like.
Me: No. Must pay college tuition instead.

It really doesn't have anything to do with permission. It's just the way it works at our house.

This!

Except in our house it's...

Me: Ohhh... Shiny! I Like!
DH: No, must save for children's college tuition!

Whereupon I will think about it a bit harder and decide if I really NEED the Shiny, and will it improve our lives tremendously in some way? Or is this just a passing whim of mine?

And meanwhile my husband is thinking, gee... how important IS this Shiny thing really? Can we actually afford it after all?

And then our next conversation might go like this:

Me: We can get by without Shiny. Education more important.
DH: We can probably afford Shiny, if you really want it.

Eventually we either get Shiny, or we don't. Either way it's all good, but if we don't I might post that "DH says we can't afford..." whatever. Because he did say that. But that doesn't mean we didn't both have equal input into making the decision.

 

[bumbershoot]

Magpie, that's hilarious. DH and I do the flipflop too.

I'm the "no" person, though I'm also sometimes the "ooh fun spend money" person as well. Then I have to say "no" to myself.

But I'll just vent about it (when I have to say "no" to myself) in my own pretripreport, not on the CB, b/c I try to save my rare thread-creations for serious things.

 

[cm8]

Here's what I think happens.

One spouse spends lots of time on the DIS reading about all these people taking vacations. Eventually, they want one too. They think its "normal" to be going to WDW every X months and staying at deluxe resorts. It must be normal. "Everyone" is doing it.

The other spouse is not exposed to the DIS at all and hasn't had this brainwashing effect that the DIS can have after a while. This spouse is a bit more grounded in reality that "normal" families don't need a deluxe WDW vacation every X months. They might be more in tune with what the real priorities of the family actually are. Having money in the bank. Paying off bills. Upcoming expenses. blah blah blah

Of course the DIS member spouse is going to come here, where people "understand" that a WDW trip is important...no matter what else is going on.

And there lies the problem. The DIS has a brainwashing effect on its members to think its normal and a priority in life to keep returning to WDW even when other things might be more important in life at the time.

,,,, Get ready with your water hose

 

[MouseEarsJenny]

Well, I probably wouldn't post that DH said "no" to a purchase or a vacation or whatever. But it does happen, and it's not a permission thing. It's more that we have to agree in order for a purchase to happen. If either one of us says "no, bad idea" it's a deal breaker.

DH says it's not so much denying permission as "reining the other person in when they're being a berky git".

 

[Acklander]

When someone makes the comment that their DH said no to a trip (or car or whatever) I don't see it as a permission thing, but a "how are we going to spend out funds" thing.
In our family we each have a certain amount that we spend without checking with the other, but for major purchases (like a car, or vacation) then we both have to be in agreement for it to happen. sometimes I'm saying no, that's not how I want to spend our extra money, sometimes it's DH saying no. If we're only going on one family vacation a year, it's only fair that we're both in agreement on where we want to go.
We're both pretty easy going people, and neither of us are reckless with the finances, so it works out well for us. I can't think of one time where one of us wanted something really, really bad and the other was dead set against it.

 

[Planogirl]

I'm the money manager and also make vacation decisions and that's just how DH wants it. He works hard and doesn't want to think about finances or vacations at all. So I decide and budget. Him saying no to anything would just be....odd.

 

[dislaney]

If I say dh says no, that is code for I don't want to do whatever is in question. Well I do admit to using that as an excuse before, because it was easier than explaining to people that didn't need to know my business. In reality, we do discuss things but don't ask each other permission for things.