DH Dilemma, need your advice (long)

[AprilShowers]

read a really awesome book a couple of years ago that helped me a lot with this issue. It's called The Five Love Languages and is by Gary Chapman.

It's funny you mention this book. There is a whole workbook, class thing with a video by Gary that we actually have taught at our church. We do some speaking at the Pre-Cana classes at our church. In the workbook, you take the test and figure out what love language you speak. For the engaged couples, it is their FAVORITE part of their day!
Obviously, my love languages are gifts and words of affirmation. DH's love language is acts of service.

We have talked about this at great length. For pete's sake! We TEACH others how to speak their partner's love language!!!!! You'd think he'd get it by now! LOL
He just doesn't seem to understand (or care) how much this hurts me.

 

[bevtoy]

How about getting him a gift card from Walmart and don't put anything on it. When he tries to use it say "Oops, I forgot! I will put something on it later........"

 

[AprilShowers]

How about getting him a gift card from Walmart and don't put anything on it. When he tries to use it say "Oops, I forgot! I will put something on it later........"

 

[lowie]

NO flames please! I truly just want advice on how to handle Father's Day.
Here's the background: Lately, DH has taken to not buying me any presents. He hasn't always been this way, and he insists that he's very busy, and will get me something later. He just never follows through.

WWYD?

i would buy myself something that makes me happy. i hate it when my hubby spends money on things i neither want nor need. i don't enjoy flowers that die and cards aren't my cup of tea.. so early in our relationship i laid it all out for him. told him i'd rather choose my own gifts and would appreciate if he'd pick out what he wants, so no money is spent needlessly. believe it or not this works GREAT for us! usually i get more and better presents then he does, he's way lower maintenance than i am.. but this year is ALL about him, i've saved for years and went wild buying things he wants. a hot tub, treadmill, i-pod and more! and for my gifts this year i've asked him to use that money towards his gifts, so he has to pay to hire the electrician to install the hottub, etc.
we just don't play games, we talk openly and no feelings get hurt.
good luck!

 

[epcotfan]

If you're still with me, here's the question. Should I get him something for Father's Day?

I would do the same thing he's done to you over the last couple of years. Get him a card envelope, but tell him you were too busy to get the actual card. I mean, really. How difficult is it for him to get you a box of chocolates, flowers or small plant from a grocery store?

 

[koopa]

I don't get DH a gift for Father's Day, our kids do and I'm the one that takes them shopping to pick it out. As long as you're teaching your kids to acknowledge their dad on his day, then I don't see how you're setting a bad example for them.

This obviously upsets you and I would talk to him privately about it, that's all.

I agree. I'll take the kids to get a gift for my wife on Mother's Day, and vice versa for Father's Day. I don't expect any gift from my wife on Father's Day. I'll get something for my dad too. You husband needs to get you great gifts on your Birthday and Christmas instead of IOUs. Get him nothing, only stuff from your kids.

 

[disneymom3]

It's funny you mention this book. There is a whole workbook, class thing with a video by Gary that we actually have taught at our church. We do some speaking at the Pre-Cana classes at our church. In the workbook, you take the test and figure out what love language you speak. For the engaged couples, it is their FAVORITE part of their day!
Obviously, my love languages are gifts and words of affirmation. DH's love language is acts of service.

We have talked about this at great length. For pete's sake! We TEACH others how to speak their partner's love language!!!!! You'd think he'd get it by now! LOL
He just doesn't seem to understand (or care) how much this hurts me.

Ooh boy. That rather changes things huh? Ummm, in that case, gosh I don't know. I would be having a really hard time with this and would be seriously thinking about if he is putting himself into this marriage. Is there tough stuff going on with your business? Is he just totally overwhelmed with that? I think I would need to be having a serious talk about how I need to be treated to feel valued and loved. If he didn't have a clue or was trying and just failing that would be one thing, but having the information and not trying to work toward making you feel valued is a whole other ball of wax.

 

[daisyduck123]

I haven't read all the replies but my answer is "No gifts for him".

My DH would not be getting anything but a card if that was our situation.

 

[EthansMom]

We don't do much in the way of gifts.

DH didn't "get" me a gift for Mother's day, but did get me a card and made me breakfast in bed. For Father's Day, I got him a card and will make him breakfast.

We've been known to get each other only a few small gifts (books, Starbucks gift card, etc.) for Christmas.

We also don't spend a great deal on Birthday/Christmas presents for the kids (4.5 & 2) -- there isn't anything they truly need and they do get new toys periodically throughout the year, so a couple of things at Birthdays and a couple hundred dollars of stuff (each) at Christmas is more than enough.

IMO, I would start getting gifts for your DH that are things you could do together -- tickets for a show for the two of you, for instance. Sounds like you could use the time together, relaxing.

 

[azgal81]

Maybe as his gift you can take him out to a nice dinner and talk to him about how hurt you are with his lack of gifts for you. Sounds like he doesn't have a clue and maybe explaining it to him would help!

 

[Tazicket]

I read a really awesome book a couple of years ago that helped me a lot with this issue. It's called The Five Love Languages and is by Gary Chapman. (It is from a Christian perspective but I don't recall that it was preachy at all and would apply regardless of your beliefs.)

I was going to suggest getting him a card and a copy of this book, but disneymom3 beat me to it. And then I saw that you guys teach it. (DH is more of a gift giver and I am more of a touchy-feely/quality time person. We were able to recognize this about each other and be more sensitive to how the other person expresses their love and needs to have love expressed to them to make the biggest impression.)

(No flames, please!) As much fun as it is to plot about not getting him anything or getting him an empty envelope, this could only bring more pain. I don't know what to suggest beyond talking to him about it, which you said you have, but doing something with the specific intent to make him feel bad doesn't seem right and can't be beneficial to your marriage. Have you thought about counseling?

 

[CJMickeyMouse]

Is there something big that both of you would like and/or use a lot? DH and I don't bother with gifts for Christmas, birthdays, father's/mother's day etc. We DO put our heads together and buy one large thing that we both want.

In the near future there will be at least one top of the line big screen TV in our home. I can give up flowers, candy, cheesy gifts and cards for that.... most definitely!!!

 

[disneymom3]

I have given this more thought and came up with an idea. It sounds to me like what you really need is couple time. I know you said you run your own business and it keeps you or at least him, really busy. But is there anyway you could arrrange for someone to handle the business or even just be closed for a couple of days, find someone to watch the kids and go away for a couple of nights? THAT could be your father's day present to him.

What do you think? He gets a gift, you get some much needed couple time and you have time to sit and really hear each other.

 

[AprilShowers]

Ok, you guys have been so nice. Thank you for all of your advice.
Now to answer some questions.
There is nothing bad going on with our business, DH just works ALOT. We have two kids, and they have activities. Between all of it, there truly isn't alot of free time. HOWEVER, I don't think that's a good enough excuse. Our business is right next door to the place where I like to get manicures, pedicures and massages. He's always got that. There's a jewelry store a block from our store. He has the phone number to the flower shop. There's ALWAYS cash.
He usually finds time to go to the card store, so what gives?
Not sure.

As far as us needing counseling, I don't think it's that big of an issue. Everything else is just fine. We don't have alot of time together, but we try hard to have a date night every six weeks or so. We also try to go out for breakfast once a week, but usually we're discussing business.

I just got back from shopping for him. Here's what we did. From me, he got some new clothes. He really needed new shirts, and I got him another pair of slacks for work. The DD's got him a rocket set. Our nephew has one of these and they (DH and DDs) played with it some last weekend. He mentioned he wanted one. I figured if I got him nothing, then that was saying "it's ok, we don't do gifts anymore!" KWIM?

He's a good guy, really, It's just this one thing that bothers me so much. If he got nothing for Father's day except a "Happy Father's Day, we love you!" he would still be tickled pink. I'm just not wired that way.

Thanks again for your advice, and for not judging me.

 

[Serena]

Ok, I didn't want to give any advice because nothing worked with my ex. In fact it got rather ugly.

It sounds like you two have a great marriage, you just have this little bump that you don't want to let grow into something more.

Talk to him, not today, maybe in a week or so when there is no pressure and no guilt. Make sure he knows how you feel, and what you like.

good luck

 

[Byrd]

Just wanted to give you good thoughts!!!

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

Next time it's Mother's Day or Your Birthday, go to the flower shop and order flowers to be DELIVERED to YOURSELF at a time when DH is home..........

be sure to sign the card "From your loving Husband" and then see what he says when you thank him for them.....

 

[momrek06]

OP: Maybe at some point and time when there are NO holidays, bdays, anniversaries...you and DH can take some time and discuss gift giving. Talk about whether or not you want to continue to exchange with each other OR just keep the exchanges between the kids.
Recently DH & I decided to do exactly that...for our recent 25th anniversary we opted for the Disney Cruise ...for Xmas we opted for a weekend in Boston to see "White Christmas" ..for my bday(March) and DH's bday(April) we went to Mohegan Sun for a night!
EASY & EASY ...you talk about a pending bday (whether it is his or yours) and plan something BOTH of you can do together!!!

GOOD LUCK, OP!!!

 

[Disney Doll]

OP: Maybe at some point and time when there are NO holidays, bdays, anniversaries...you and DH can take some time and discuss gift giving. Talk about whether or not you want to continue to exchange with each other OR just keep the exchanges between the kids.
Recently DH & I decided to do exactly that...for our recent 25th anniversary we opted for the Disney Cruise ...for Xmas we opted for a weekend in Boston to see "White Christmas" ..for my bday(March) and DH's bday(April) we went to Mohegan Sun for a night!
EASY & EASY ...you talk about a pending bday (whether it is his or yours) and plan something BOTH of you can do together!!!
GOOD LUCK, OP!!!

I think this is a really great idea.

While my DH is always great about gift-giving occasions, we really do have enough "stuff", and we enjoy spending time together.

I think you have to look at the whoile picture. Is he a good devoted husband and father? Does he drink, do drugs, run around with loose women? Is he there for you in other ways?

Or is this non-gift-giving a more recent development that has you worried that something else deeper may be going on?

It seems to really be distressing you, so I hope you find a resolution to it.

 

[AprilShowers]

I think you have to look at the whoile picture. Is he a good devoted husband and father? Does he drink, do drugs, run around with loose women? Is he there for you in other ways?

This is the kind of response I was afraid of getting. I know you did not intend it mean spirited, nor did I take it that way.

It's just that I really do appreciate everything he does for me. He's a wonderful husband and father in every other way.
The gift thing is MY issue I guess. I just think that when something bothers your spouse this much, you should try really hard to make it better, and he doesn't.

One of the main issues for me is that he SAYS "oh, your gift is coming!"
I know I shouldn't anymore, but I get excited! I can't wait to see what he got me. After a couple of days, I realize there is no gift. After a couple of weeks, I am hurt and sad.

I know I should learn not to expect anything, and lately I've just been saying to him "yeah, right, whatever." He kind of chuckles, and then I think he thinks he's off the hook! Meanwhile my feelings are hurt again.