Devastated at the bus stop

[iheartdisney]

I don't know what this post is. There is really nothing to be done, but I just need a vent, I guess.
This morning at the bus stop, my DD was off playing with her brother, and i overheard another little girl telling her mother that she didn't like my DD. That none of her friends liked my DD. That she was weird. I had my back to this girl and her mom, so I know they didn't see the shock on my face. I'm just devastated.
I grew up as the lowest-teir of social outcast, and I always wished better for my kids. And here we are 2 months into Kindergarten, and its started already. OK, yeah, she may be a little different...she kind of lives in her own little world95% of the time. But I don't think she's any worse than any other Kindergartener most of the time
I pray that they aren't mean to her on the bus, I half want to bite the cost of gas and drive here there and back every day. I really don't have too much to worry about. We are moving in a month anyway.
I'm just new to this, she is my oldest, and we were never anywhere long enough to get her into preschool.
Does it get easier?
Thanks for letting me vent!

 

[emh1129]

Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't know why some kids have to be so mean. I'm just curious, though, what did her mother say when the girl said that?
I hope that your daughter has made some friends in her class.

My ds has Asperger's and is in his own world quite often, too, but it does break my heart to see some of the looks the other children give him sometimes when he says something goofy or is super-friendly.

 

[Ellester]

First of all, , it is always hard to hear/see things that could cause your children pain. However, at that age little girls are notoriously fickle when it comes to friendships. In preschool, K and 1st grade, my dd had different friends almost every day it seemed like. I would be more concerned that the mother didn't say anything to her own daughter about being mean, calling others names, etc. If my kids were to call someone else weird (and they have), I have the "everyone's different, don't judge others, if you can't say something nice" kind of discussions. If you are still concerned, talk to your dd and ask her how things are on the bus and in class. You could also talk to the teacher and go to the school to help in the classroom and get an idea of what's going on.

As far as it getting easier, no, not really. My dd10 occasionally gets "dis'ed" by a so-called friend and it bothers me every time.

 

[KirstenB]

First of all, , it is always hard to hear/see things that could cause your children pain. However, at that age little girls are notoriously fickle when it comes to friendships. In preschool, K and 1st grade, my dd had different friends almost every day it seemed like. I would be more concerned that the mother didn't say anything to her own daughter about being mean, calling others names, etc. If my kids were to call someone else weird (and they have), I have the "everyone's different, don't judge others, if you can't say something nice" kind of discussions. If you are still concerned, talk to your dd and ask her how things are on the bus and in class. You could also talk to the teacher and go to the school to help in the classroom and get an idea of what's going on.

As far as it getting easier, no, not really. My dd10 occasionally gets "dis'ed" by a so-called friend and it bothers me every time.

This is great advice. It's hard when your oldest is just starting kindergarten. You don't have the benefit of experience yet, so it's hard to figure out how to help them especially socially. Talk to the teacher, and ask him/her about how your dd is doing socially. Volunteer to help out at class parties, etc. It's a lot of fun being around the kids, and you learn a lot about each kid in the classroom.

BTW, that little girl's mom had the opportunity to teach her daughter a lesson in kindness, and consideration for others. That mom totally blew it!

 

[amandaraye]

I'm also very curious to hear what her mother said/did when her daughter was being so unkind!

There was a girl i remember not liking when I was that age. She, too, was "weird". The reasons? She was smarter than me, she wore glasses, her mother was really cool, and they lived in a really neat, old house. I was jealous. She ended up being one of my best friends later that year and all through high school. She's now a well-to-do architect in San Fransisco. I'm SURE everyone will very quickly see how wonderful your daughter is! But I know that doesn't make your heart feel any better for overhearing what you did.

 

[kimberh]

Ok, I just want to start this by saying, Your children are lucky to have you as a parent. You care, you love them. Love conquers all! I have raised my 3, 1 girl, 2 boys. We are a christian family, so my kids were not allowed to do all the things that their classmates were allowed to do or go to. This made them somewhat different. They were very athletic, I kept them busy. It ran me, but in the end they have turned out to be wonderful adults.

What did the little girl's mother say? I would have commented,(other child's mother) if I had been her mother. Don't tell everyone about your past, it is none of their business. My father was in the Air Force, we moved all the time. It was hard on us as a family. I was never in the same school over 2 1/2 years. When he was in Viet Nam, the kids would try to tease us. Well, we are a very proud family, I think our blood is Red, white and Blue, so that didn't go over without a fight. There were 4 of us, We all had a lot of actual fights, we finally figured out to pick our battles. Just a little background, we all have some baggage.

Does it get any easier, in some things...yes. You need to get her involved in Dance or something similiar. I put my boys in Karate, Baseball, football, Basketball. My daughter was in Karate. All the church activites. She will find her own friends. That's what she needs. When she gets a little older, don't over compensate, teach her about money, this will be one of the best things you can do for her. My kids are all very good business people. This started with their birthday money. I took them to a local bank that had a savings plan for children, they made their deposits...there would be a picnic once a year, movies every quarter. It was called a Squirrels Club. They received a T-Shirt when they opened the account. They all kept those accounts until they were married. They had Thousands in it. They had saved change. You may be asking what has this got to do with anything, it builds self esteem.

Self Esteem is the name of the game. This is one of the main things that you can do for your children. God gave you these children to raise. I know your heart was hurting this morning, I had to take a deep breath when I read your post. Just encourage your daughter to make friends, keep her involved in outside activities. Tell her every morning how much you love her. Ask her every afternoon how her day was. Stay involved in her life. This is so important.

I hope I haven't offended you in any way. I just felt your pain. I remember my daughter coming home from the 8th grade and crying because she did not have any friends. I just could not let her hang around with those girls. I made the right decision. They all ended up horribly, even to this day. She is 35 now, last Dec we were having a similiar conversation, She had just moved back here, someone had really done her wrong (she had made wonderful friends at her other location) I gave her a name of someone to befriend, she called them and they have become very close. Life just keeps on turning. Does it get any easier, I really don't know, I still parent.

 

[RumpleMom]

First let me start by saying that we all are devastated when our child is hurt, picked on or left out of a group. We take it personally. There might be more going on that doesn't have anything to do with your DD. For certain, this little girl doesn't know that everyone doesn't like your DD.

I know I was upset when DD was in preschool and a little girl was frequently mean to her. I invited the little girl over for a play date, got to know her mom and found out that there was an upcoming divorce, so things were not good at home. The little girl was so happy to be invited somewhere that she looked at DD as her new bestfriend and stopped picking on her. I did not encourage them to spend a lot of time together because I did not want DD to pick up any nasty behavior, but this little bit of time stopped the meanness. Fast forward to today, 20 years later and this little girl is somewhere in CA trying to find herself and doesn't call her mother.

So what to do now? Can you make a playdate with a little girl who is not in bus stop child's circle? So that this last month she will have a friend at school. Also ask DD's teacher if there is something you could buy for the classroom as a goodbye gift. A thank you for the good start for your child's education. Choose something that all of the children will enjoy using and ask if your child can give it to the class two weeks before you move, maybe a nifty rainy day toy or game. An active game is a good choice for indoor recess. The boys will be thrilled. Do not get a girly item.

Now for your new home. Contact the school and find out your DD's new teacher's name, send a friendly letter from you and DD that she is looking forward to being part of her class. Maybe include a picture of DD with a pet if she has one. When you get there, start inviting kids over for playdates, so DD will be in the loop for birthday invitations. Help DD to meet several kids, but let her pick who she chooses for a friend. My DD always played better with boys and considered most of the girls to be too silly. The boys were always happy to come over because we had climbing equipment and DD was allowed to get dirty.

Notice what the new kids are wearing and, if it doesn't conflict with your values, then get her the same whatever. If you don't agree with what the other kids are wearing, then don't do it. I said no many times and my kids have reached adulthood, graduated from college, got the jobs they went to school and one has married. Saying no is a parent's job, just take notice to fit in, stuff like wearing a headband when all the little girls are wearing them can be big deal. I am also a teacher.

HTH enjoy your new home.

 

[surfergirl602]

I have three girls, one in second, one is first, and a 20 month old. My girls would be considered part of the "in crowd" I guess. They do dance, go over for sleepovers... but as a mom it is so hard to let them make choices. Almost every day I hear about so and so that said something not nice, or wouldn't play with her on the playground, and how it made them feel. I want to tell them "so make new friends!" but even at this young age, its hard. Even though they have friends, it doesn't matter what social circle they are in - there will always be "those" kids that have to make other feel bad or make them an outcast to overcome their own insecurities. We instill the do unto others rule, and that you have to be nice, and play fair, and include others, etc. Sometimes they come home with different best friends everyday. My oldest DD's best friend just moved to Kansas over the summer. They were in school together, did dance together, played together since preschool. This year has been a very hard one. We are moving from NY to OK in January and we'll be 4 hours from her best friend. They talk on the phone a lot, and they keep in touch. As a mom it hurts my heart to see my kids grow up.

 

[surfergirl602]

Oh, wanted to add that the big things my girls get teased about is their clothes, or all the latest gadgets that we cannot afford. I hear "but Ellie's mom bought her one!" and I want to reply, "Because Ellie's mom is a colonel and makes five times the amount your daddy does and we can't afford it." But what I tell her is, "maybe for Christmas," or "save your allowance". By that time, the want has usually passed. Girls are tough. Girls are mean. I was always friends with boys growing up and was teased all the time about it.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

It does get easier. I'm glad you are moving in a month, your DD doesn't need to be around that negativity.

If it'd happen to my DD and I, I would've said something to the mother after the kids got on the bus. She needs to teach her DD better manners.

But that's just me - I don't take that kind of stuff lying down. It's fine if someone doesn't like me or my kids but have the guts to say it to my face - not do the silly passive/aggressive nonsense that so many people resort to these days.

 

[PaulaSue]

That is TERRIBLE and for her Mom/Dad/Caregiver not to say something to correct her is even Worse!

 

[disney_family_1247]

I'm glad to hear that you are moving because I have experience with this sort of thing, and it does not often get better.

I was a teacher before having my own kids. The parents generally have lots of money, and the social atmosphere of the schools is appalling. When I taught fourth grade, I had a super sweet little girl who had just moved here from West Virginia. She had a really strong accent (which is saying a lot because I live in southern Louisiana). The other kids hated her from day one. One day, she came in with shiny, white sneakers, and I complimented them. She was happy and said, "My Mom bought them for me yesterday at Wal-mart." The entire class burst into laughter . I felt so awful for complimenting her. Another time, her mom called a conference because another girl had called her daughter a "b#*ch" at the bus stop. We talked about how the other kids were mean to her, and I promised to talk to the other girl's parents. Do you know what they told me was the excuse for their child's behaviour? That she has ADD. Since when are attention problems to blame for cruelty? Obviously, they did not punish their daughter, and the tormenting continued all year, dispite the steps I took to curb it.

I had a sixth grader who told her mom she wanted to kill herself because the girls at school kept calling her at home and saying that she was gay.

I think that the whole attitude of "kids will be kids" does not benefit anyone. My children respect themselves and others because that is what their father and I are teaching them. If one of my kids were ever being picked on routinely by another child or group of children, we would remove them from the situation. You can't parent everyone else's kids, but you can protect yours until they are old enough to deal with things themselves.

 

[brockash]

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. I'm hoping her mother explained to her that you shouldn't talk about other ppl. like that... do you know if she did? Did your DD hear it? I would sit your daughter down today after school and just ask a lot of questions about school, the bus and see what kind of feeling you get from her (does she enjoy it, does she feel that ppl. are mean to her ect.) If she doesn't seem to feel like kids are mean to her at the bus/school then I'd let her go on her way, but if you find out that it is a big problem and she doesn't want to ride the bus, I'd drive her. I'm hoping you have better luck at the next school, since you're moving soon. My DS is in 1st grade and they just had a day where they taught about bullying ect. I think it was a wonderful idea, and wish all schools would do this continueously.

 

[kimberh]

I'm glad to hear that you are moving because I have experience with this sort of thing, and it does not often get better.

I was a teacher before having my own kids. The parents generally have lots of money, and the social atmosphere of the schools is appalling. When I taught fourth grade, I had a super sweet little girl who had just moved here from West Virginia. She had a really strong accent (which is saying a lot because I live in southern Louisiana). The other kids hated her from day one. One day, she came in with shiny, white sneakers, and I complimented them. She was happy and said, "My Mom bought them for me yesterday at Wal-mart." The entire class burst into laughter . I felt so awful for complimenting her. Another time, her mom called a conference because another girl had called her daughter a "b#*ch" at the bus stop. We talked about how the other kids were mean to her, and I promised to talk to the other girl's parents. Do you know what they told me was the excuse for their child's behaviour? That she has ADD. Since when are attention problems to blame for cruelty? Obviously, they did not punish their daughter, and the tormenting continued all year, dispite the steps I took to curb it.

I had a sixth grader who told her mom she wanted to kill herself because the girls at school kept calling her at home and saying that she was gay.

I think that the whole attitude of "kids will be kids" does not benefit anyone. My children respect themselves and others because that is what their father and I are teaching them. If one of my kids were ever being picked on routinely by another child or group of children, we would remove them from the situation. You can't parent everyone else's kids, but you can protect yours until they are old enough to deal with things themselves.

This is very disturbing... We are not in bad financial shape, I just want to know what is wrong with Walmart? We had friends, their son was quiet, very different from the outdoors, physical father. Families didn't have computers in their homes then. The schools were just getting them. Well, Guess what he does for a living now? He is a computer programer for the Pentagon. His father never understood him, they fought, I mean really fought. He used my husband for a reference when he optained his Security Clearance. The kids at school didn't like him either. He went to his 10 year reunion, he was one of the most successful! He has a huge home in D.C. Oh, that Dad, he is so proud, now. We saw them a few years ago.

 

[MiniGirl]

Alright, I may have misread the OP's message, but I do not see that this girl was being mean or that the OP's dd was being picked on. As I understand it, the OP overheard a private conversation between another little girl and her mother. I know there are other little girls that my dds don't like and that don't like them. That is just part of life. Also, when I ask them why they don't like someone, I have gotten the "weird" answer. I keep in mind that it is sometimes hard for a 5 or 6 yo to explain themselves, so I ask questions to try to figure out why they say the other child is "weird." I'm then able to talk to them about the real issue. Now, that doesn't mean that my dds now like the child, but I also take the opportunity to remind than that I expect them to treat everyone, regardless of how they feel about them, with kindness and respect. I have some control over that, but I can't force them to like another child.

It seems as if the OP's dd is fine and was not hurt by the incident at all. To the OP... your dd will find her way in her own time. I was a very shy kid and not always in the popular crowd -- or the unpopular crowd. I was in my own group of one. I had friends but really preferred to be alone. However, I did manage to meet and marry a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful children. I still don't have a big social life and still don't really want one, but I can honestly say that I think I am happier than most people I meet. Your dd will be fine. She sounds a lot like my oldest.

 

[3boys4me]

I'm so sorry this happened to you and your daughter. Kids can be so cruel. I know sometimes when I watch my boys get on the bus my little one will try to sit with the boys in his class and there is one little boy that scoots to the edge so my ds can't sit with them. It is really heartbreaking, I know how you feel. Shame on parents that allow their children to talk and behave that way.

 

[Scurvy]

I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this. It does hurt when we see our children hurt and can't do anything about it. I don't think it does get better for girls - they can be very fickle and "clique-y" and they are always excluding someone, just not always the same someone.

It might not be as big a deal for your daughter as it is for you, though. Does she seem unhappy? Has she complained about how the other girls treat her? If she really is off in her own world, she may not notice that she's not as popular as some girls. She might not know or care that they don't like her. I wasn't particularly popular - I had a couple of close friends and I was happy that way. Sometimes the "popular" girls tried to tease me, but when they saw it didn't bother me they moved on to someone else.


As other posters have mentioned, you could encourage other activities outside of school, and it's likely she would make other friends through those activities.

Not all children will like each other. There are probably children in her class that your daughter doesn't like, though hopefully she wouldn't tell them that. I know there have been kids my son didn't like, and he told me that, but he didn't tell them. As long as she isn't unhappy, I don't think you should worry about it too much - though of course it's natural that you would be concerned. If she is unhappy then I would recommend finding someplace else (gymnastics, church, any group activity) to encourage other friendships.

 

[Schmeck]

Ok, I just want to start this by saying, Your children are lucky to have you as a parent. You care, you love them. Love conquers all! I have raised my 3, 1 girl, 2 boys. We are a christian family, so my kids were not allowed to do all the things that their classmates were allowed to do or go to. This made them somewhat different. They were very athletic, I kept them busy. It ran me, but in the end they have turned out to be wonderful adults.

Even though we are not Christian, my children were also not allowed to do a lot of things just because other children were doing it. I wouldn't let them watch Spongebob, wouldn't let them wear suggestive clothing or trendy, cheap clothing, wouldn't let them walk around unchaperoned, made them wear bike helmets even though legally they didn't have to, etc. This made my kids kind of different too, and I kept them busy with dance and gymnastics and girl scouts and skating, even when we could barely afford these things. I wanted them to be busy and too tired to get into trouble, LOL! They're not adults yet, but one is presently valedictorian of her senior class.

Having worked in the public school system for over 8 years, I've heard kids say some pretty mean things about other kids. I've talked about this with my kids, and with other kids as well. I point out that kids who judge other kids by how they look are very insecure about themselves, and kids that act out in class might have a very horrible life at home, and need our sympathy. Basically, I ask the kids to think why someone would act that way.

First graders are most likely following an example set by their parents or their peers - and those peers are being taught by older siblings and parents. I wouldn't judge a 1st grader too harshly, but I would take the opportunity to make sure your daughter is not wounded by this attitude, and understands where it's all coming from.

 

[bookwormde]

Even if you are moving in a month you want to talk to your daughters teacher and see if she is making friends in her current setting. If there is an issue you definitely want to have the new teacher monitor the situation.

It may just be who she is with now or there may be an underlying innate social skills deficit, since you reference her being in her “own world”. One thing to remember is to focus on how it affects your daughter and not necessarily on how you perceive the situation.

bookwormde

 

[NotUrsula]

Something you have to realize is that you cannot be responsible for the erroneous perceptions of others.

All of my life I've had people believe things about me that were completely untrue and unwarranted, and for ages I used to drive myself nuts with angst about it -- what did I do, what did I say, that this person would come to that conclusion? Finally I had a revelation that an erroneous conclusion wasn't MY problem, but the other person's.

If your daughter is well-groomed, polite, and respectful of others, then she is doing her part as a member of society. Any unfounded misperceptions that others have of her are not her fault, and it isn't incumbent on you to change her or try to fix it.