Destination Weddings - How much notice should they give?

[aprilgail2]

i am going to one of these out of state weddings and so far the hotel is costing us a small fortune, the flights are 350 and I am non too happy...but we have to go, wed actually really like to go, but the timing is bad for us and the $$, its a holiday weekend....and this little weekend wedding will cost us over two grand easily...........laugh or cry...

I got invited to an out of state wedding, would have had to fly in the day before and fly out the day after...so 3 days and 2 nights--but one problem--I was invited without my daughter- what in the world was I supposed to do with my then 2 year old for 3 days???? At least it was a good excuse for me to get out of going!

 

[brookmey]

I think 1 year or more is a considerate and appropriate amount of notice.

My SIL had a destination wedding. We went on a western Caribbean cruise and they got married on a beach in Cozumel. She and her now husband paid for all their immediate family members to go. It was really nice that they did that because otherwise none of her family would've been able to go (none could afford it) and DH and I couldn't have gone because we were cash strapped after paying for our wedding and honeymoon 4 months earlier.

My sister got married in Estes Park, CO, which ended up costing us over $2500, with the travel expenses, hotel, etc. She only gave us about 6 months notice, which was not enough. We barely had the money scraped together. But we were expected to go, so we had to figure it out. I loved Estes Park, but since we had to travel with a 3 year old and 10 month old, it was not money well spent. We would've preferred using that money to go somewhere more fun for kids as young as ours.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I just can't believe that anyone would refuse to go to their own child's wedding if it was a "destination" wedding, unless it was for health reasons. That, to me, is more selfish than a couple who chooses to get married in a destination. Usually couples plan their weddings far enough in advance that immediate family would have plenty of time to save up (especially people who frequent a vacation-specific forum who, I think it's reasonable to assume, do go on vacations).

You have it too simplified. What if another vacation is planned (a few years in advance) and can't be cancelled? What if there are other siblings that can't miss school? You need the parents to be able to take and get the vacation time, to be able to afford to go. There is airfare, hotel, food, rental car, kennel costs and all the usual for a vacation. But its not a place you would normally travel and spend a fortune for a few days time, since the kids have school?? It isn't that easy of a decision.

The flip side is the couple is selfish for not thinking about others that they do want to come to the wedding. It isn't easy either way, and it is a decision that is going to shape the families going forward too.

I would think it should be at least 1 years notice if it is out of the country, and I would have the respect to see if it fits in with those immediate family members that you don't want to get married without.

 

[bellarella]

Just another reminder of how different families and circles of friends can be.

I don't remember the last time I went to a local wedding. I've had to travel for just about every wedding I've been to. So, as long as I don't need a passport, I don't think twice about a "destination" wedding.

Likewise, just about everyone at all of these weddings had to travel. There was no place to pick were everyone or almost everyone lived. It has just worked out that my friends and family are a highly mobile bunch.

I also don't get the "selfish" comment. Now if a couple demands that you come to a wedding, sure it is selfish to make it far away. However, if they *invite* you to a wedding, I don't see the issue. Go or don't go. It's an invitation, not a summons. It seems equally as selfish to demand that they make their plans around your wishes. You have no more right to be witness to their wedding than they do to command your presence.

(And I suspect that just as some here say they want as little notice as possible so they can decline, many a destination wedding has been planned to get as many regrets on the RSVP as possible. )

 

[JoiseyMom]

Just another reminder of how different families and circles of friends can be.

I don't remember the last time I went to a local wedding. I've had to travel for just about every wedding I've been to. So, as long as I don't need a passport, I don't think twice about a "destination" wedding.

Likewise, just about everyone at all of these weddings had to travel. There was no place to pick were everyone or almost everyone lived. It has just worked out that my friends and family are a highly mobile bunch.

I also don't get the "selfish" comment. Now if a couple demands that you come to a wedding, sure it is selfish to make it far away. However, if they *invite* you to a wedding, I don't see the issue. Go or don't go. It's an invitation, not a summons. It seems equally as selfish to demand that they make their plans around your wishes. You have no more right to be witness to their wedding than they do to command your presence.

(And I suspect that just as some here say they want as little notice as possible so they can decline, many a destination wedding has been planned to get as many regrets on the RSVP as possible. )

But if you are planning a destination wedding, and you want your parents and siblings there wouldn't you attempt to make sure they could be there??

 

[Ember]

I also don't get the "selfish" comment. Now if a couple demands that you come to a wedding, sure it is selfish to make it far away. However, if they *invite* you to a wedding, I don't see the issue. Go or don't go. It's an invitation, not a summons. It seems equally as selfish to demand that they make their plans around your wishes. You have no more right to be witness to their wedding than they do to command your presence.

The selfish comments don't bother me. I find most weddings selfish. While it's a happy day of celebrations, weddings are inherently showy and many are elaborate productions. On top of that many couples feel they are owed gifts and will include instructions on what they deem acceptable. Or they'll invite you with the expectation that you pay your own drinks because they don't feel they should have to pay for that part. Not to mention engagement parties, showers, and bachelor / bachelorette parties which are expected.

If people find destination wedding selfish, that's a valid opinion. Personally, I decline wedding invites with registry information because I find the idea of inviting people and the gift expected to be hugely off putting and rude. Ultimately, though, the couples who do this don't care what I think.

 

[DeaverTex]

Mr. Tex

What if his new wife is from Hawaii or Canada? Would you still not go?

I think the key is notice, especially if people are going to have to travel. But this is also true if the Groom is from California and the Bride is from Maine. People need time to save, plan etc.

I also think that couples have to know that expensive destinations == less people.

I have two siblings and three first cousins. We are all close. We live all over the country. We travel for Bar/Bat Mitzvahs now and will travel for weddings later. Not always easy or cheap, but we do it because we want too.

As mobile as our society has become, it's the rare exception when all the invited guests would be able to hop in their cars and make a quick jaunt to any wedding. That's true even if the bride and groom grew up together and are getting married in their home town.

If Tex Jr's bride to be were from Hawaii, or Canada, or Japan, and they decide to have the wedding near her home so that her family and friends can attend, then I really wouldn't call that a destination wedding. It might well -- particularly in the case of Hawaii or Japan -- be a wedding Mrs. Tex and I wouldn't be able to attend, due to time required or to cost, but still NOT a destination wedding. Remember, I said that a destination wedding is about the destination -- not about convenience.

I would go to extreme lengths to be at my son's wedding, but I'm not willing to put my job at risk, or to go into debt, to do so. It's really that simple.

 

[DeaverTex]

I just can't believe that anyone would refuse to go to their own child's wedding if it was a "destination" wedding, unless it was for health reasons. That, to me, is more selfish than a couple who chooses to get married in a destination. Usually couples plan their weddings far enough in advance that immediate family would have plenty of time to save up (especially people who frequent a vacation-specific forum who, I think it's reasonable to assume, do go on vacations).

Refuse? I doubt it. Not be able to attend? A totally different issue. I don't think it's selfish to refuse to go deeply into debt, as some destination weddings would require, to attend a wedding. Even if it's your much loved son's, and you really, really, really want to go.

You may make assumptions as you choose. Though I would wish otherwise, it's not a valid assumption.

 

[bellebud]

to me, an invitation to a destination wedding means the bride and groom KNOW many people can't/won't come, and they're ok with that. I'd assume the 'must be there' people were asked way beforehand and ok'd the date. Everyone else is more like "if you're there, great, if you can't be, that's ok too" kind of thing.

I don't necessarily think it's a gift-grab either to receive an invitation if they came to your wedding, or you're related.

Because of what I think about them, the time frame really doesn't matter too much. I'd say 6 months to a year if I had to pick a time frame though.

If I had a destination wedding, anyone in our families would have been asked if the date was ok with them, before we booked the event. Unless we didn't really care if that particular person attended, knim?

 

[Aliceacc]

I think a working definition of a destination wedding is one that both sides of the family, as well as the bride and groom, need to travel to. So, no, it's not a destination if, say, the groom's family need to travel to the bride's hometown.

For me, the wedding locaton was about the church-- I wanted to get married in the church I had gone to all my life: gotten baptized in and received other sacraments in. But I realize that it's not that way for everyone. Likewise, for me it was about being surrounded by family and friends. So a destination wedding would have been out of the question,

You wanted to know about a timeline. I would say at least a year... even if it's a "Save the Date" with only a ballpark idea. So one that says "April 2013 at Disney World... details to follow" would be sufficient. Anyone who wanted to work around your wedding would be able to do so before laying out their money for the vacation THEY wanted to spend their money on.

 

[Ceila]

Refuse? I doubt it. Not be able to attend? A totally different issue. I don't think it's selfish to refuse to go deeply into debt, as some destination weddings would require, to attend a wedding. Even if it's your much loved son's, and you really, really, really want to go.

You may make assumptions as you choose. Though I would wish otherwise, it's not a valid assumption.

I believe that you were the one who stated that if your child planned a wedding in Maui you would not attend. You did not place any qualifiers on that original statement as you have now done, so the assumption that you would not go under any circumstances was a valid assumption. From your post above it seems that it would be a financial burden for you to attend. If you were financially able, would you go?

I have no problem with anyone who cannot attend an event because they do not have the money to do so, even if it their child's wedding. However, most (not all, but most) weddings are set far enough in advance that most (again, most, not all) parents should be able to save up enough to afford airfare and a hotel to at least be there for the ceremony and reception, even if they cannot afford a hotel for the additional days that the wedding party may be "on location."

 

[The Mystery Machine]

There have been two threads in the past few days on destination weddings, both with shortish notice (under a year). The posters have had vacations planned and are trying to fit in the wedding.

Now, I will preface this with the fact that people are entitled to plan any type of wedding they want in any time frame they want, but all things being equal, they also have to realize that the people they invite have lives and plans and can't just drop those things at the drop of a hat to attend said wedding, no matter how close their relationships are.

Now what do you guys feel is "enough" notice for a destination wedding? Enough being that money can be saved so those invited can afford to go, and that they have plans that they would be able to cancel etc??

I will probably have one to go to this year that I have to attend and it is driving me crazy!

I think at least 6 months to a yr.

However at this time we do not have any extra money for a destination wedding and would decline any invites.

One of my brother's is getting married in another state ala "destination wedding" however they are not inviting anyone. So not really a "wedding".

Destination marriage?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I believe that you were the one who stated that if your child planned a wedding in Maui you would not attend. You did not place any qualifiers on that original statement as you have now done, so the assumption that you would not go under any circumstances was a valid assumption. From your post above it seems that it would be a financial burden for you to attend. If you were financially able, would you go?

I have no problem with anyone who cannot attend an event because they do not have the money to do so, even if it their child's wedding. However, most (not all, but most) weddings are set far enough in advance that most (again, most, not all) parents should be able to save up enough to afford airfare and a hotel to at least be there for the ceremony and reception, even if they cannot afford a hotel for the additional days that the wedding party may be "on location."

My parents and my dh's mother live on a fixed income and barely make ends meet. There is no way they could ever save that kind of money ever.

 

[bellarella]

But if you are planning a destination wedding, and you want your parents and siblings there wouldn't you attempt to make sure they could be there??

Yes, but that isn't always possible. If no one lives in the same place, then most people are going to be traveling. Once that is the scenario, then "optimizing" the location becomes pretty difficult.

For parents and siblings, would do as much as I could to accommodate them, but would also expect that they would do as much as they could to attend (as I would do for them) -- and would hope that this would get us to meet in the middle. But at a certain point, you do the best you can and then let go.

As for my perspective, I have spent less on airfare for a trip to London than I have to visit friends in the Midwest. Likewise, some "fancy" weddings in big cities have cost me less to attend than much more modest affairs in hometowns. I have never begrudged any of the couples their choices. I've made my own budgeting decisions and attended the ones I could afford, and skipped ones I couldn't. My DH and I have also split up and only one of us has attended some weddings, bringing with them the good wishes of the other.

 

[aprilgail2]

I have no problem with anyone who cannot attend an event because they do not have the money to do so, even if it their child's wedding. However, most (not all, but most) weddings are set far enough in advance that most (again, most, not all) parents should be able to save up enough to afford airfare and a hotel to at least be there for the ceremony and reception, even if they cannot afford a hotel for the additional days that the wedding party may be "on location."

I think that if someone has a destination wedding and wants their parents to attend bad enough they would pay the parents way and expenses if their parents could not afford them! Many seniors are on a fixed income and its just not possible for them to save enough to go to a wedding!

 

[Libi]

My husband and I are planning a destination wedding in August in Mexico.
We didn’t realize how much it was going to cost us and having all our guests at the same resort at the same time is a huge challenge in itself as family and friends have vacations from work at different times. We are thinking twice now if we should scrap the destination wedding plan or go ahead with it. Anyone else has stories of their experiences they would like to share with me? I also read on a popular wedding website marketplaceweddings.com an article in their blog on the pro and con of a destination wedding which is very interesting as it sheds some light on the both for going with it and not.

 

[bigbabyblues]

My cousin got married last June on the Outer Banks, NC. They sent out something about 16 months ahead of time, which was really nice. I thought that was plenty of time. They were only expecting 20 - 25 people, and they rented a house that would sleep 26; anyone attending was welcome to stay there. We chose to get our own house about 5 miles down the beach because "family" vacations aren't our thing and we wanted our own space. We were the only ones that didn't stay with them, but we were still close enough to get together a few times during the week. The bride's father chose not to go, and our grandpa wasn't able to go, but they were fine with that. I think there were 19 people there; most arrived on Thursday for the Friday wedding. It was a beautiful wedding, and I'm glad we were able to go.

 

[DeaverTex]

I believe that you were the one who stated that if your child planned a wedding in Maui you would not attend. You did not place any qualifiers on that original statement as you have now done, so the assumption that you would not go under any circumstances was a valid assumption. From your post above it seems that it would be a financial burden for you to attend. If you were financially able, would you go?

I have no problem with anyone who cannot attend an event because they do not have the money to do so, even if it their child's wedding. However, most (not all, but most) weddings are set far enough in advance that most (again, most, not all) parents should be able to save up enough to afford airfare and a hotel to at least be there for the ceremony and reception, even if they cannot afford a hotel for the additional days that the wedding party may be "on location."

Last post, I promise, and this is just to clear something up.

I said I wouldn't go to a destination wedding in Hawaii. That still stands. If the girl is from New Jersey, and they decide to get married in Hawaii, well... Have fun, kids.

Now if my DIL-to-be were from Hawaii, and wanted to get married in a place where all of her friends and family could attend, then Maui (for example) might just be the place. Like a PP, I don't call a wedding in someone's home town or place of residence a "destination wedding" as such, regardless of how far it would mean that some of the guests had to travel, to include the parents of the couple. It's just one of the facts of life in a mobile society. That's why Mrs. Tex and I got married in Michigan, for example, when I'm from Houston.

As far as attending my son's non-destination wedding in Hawaii... It would take some serious thought, number crunching, and soul searching for sure. I would hope that Tex Jr. and his bride-to-be had really thought about which family was going to get the short end of the stick -- because one or the other is going to be pretty much left out -- and made what they thought was the best decision.

All that said, I honestly don't know that I'd be able to talk myself into going to Hawaii for my son's wedding. That's a whole bunch of bucks to go to a place that I have no interest in seeing. (No offense meant to any Hawaiian natives or residents on the forums!) While I might be able to afford it technically, I don't know that I'd be able to justify the expense in my own mind.

As always, YMMV.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Last post, I promise, and this is just to clear something up.

I said I wouldn't go to a destination wedding in Hawaii. That still stands. If the girl is from New Jersey, and they decide to get married in Hawaii, well... Have fun, kids.

Now if my DIL-to-be were from Hawaii, and wanted to get married in a place where all of her friends and family could attend, then Maui (for example) might just be the place. Like a PP, I don't call a wedding in someone's home town or place of residence a "destination wedding" as such, regardless of how far it would mean that some of the guests had to travel, to include the parents of the couple. It's just one of the facts of life in a mobile society. That's why Mrs. Tex and I got married in Michigan, for example, when I'm from Houston.

As far as attending my son's non-destination wedding in Hawaii... It would take some serious thought, number crunching, and soul searching for sure. I would hope that Tex Jr. and his bride-to-be had really thought about which family was going to get the short end of the stick -- because one or the other is going to be pretty much left out -- and made what they thought was the best decision.

All that said, I honestly don't know that I'd be able to talk myself into going to Hawaii for my son's wedding. That's a whole bunch of bucks to go to a place that I have no interest in seeing. (No offense meant to any Hawaiian natives or residents on the forums!) While I might be able to afford it technically, I don't know that I'd be able to justify the expense in my own mind.

As always, YMMV.

Very well put. It can be very expensive for a very short period of time to a place you have no desire to go to, no matter what the reason. And you hope that the couple gave it the appropriate thought for who they really want to show up.

 

[superme80]

My cousin got married last June on the Outer Banks, NC. They sent out something about 16 months ahead of time, which was really nice. I thought that was plenty of time. They were only expecting 20 - 25 people, and they rented a house that would sleep 26; anyone attending was welcome to stay there. We chose to get our own house about 5 miles down the beach because "family" vacations aren't our thing and we wanted our own space. We were the only ones that didn't stay with them, but we were still close enough to get together a few times during the week. The bride's father chose not to go, and our grandpa wasn't able to go, but they were fine with that. I think there were 19 people there; most arrived on Thursday for the Friday wedding. It was a beautiful wedding, and I'm glad we were able to go.

My friend's wedding was the exact same way but 5 years ago. They got married in front of a light house. It was beautiful, but it took awhile for DH and I to pay off the wedding. I think they gave about 6 months notice.