Depression

[pjb_hockey_mom]

Hi everyone, I'm happy to see this thread going strong.

I started back to work on January 2nd after taking a year off. I'm having a really hard time getting back into the swing. I'm happy to be out of the house and back in the workforce and getting a paycheck, but at the same time I miss being home. It takes all my energy during the day to stay "up beat" and professional that by the time I get home I have nothing left.

The holiday's were blah, and honestly seem like eons ago. I look around me and I know I have so many things to be greatful and thankful for but I just can't seem to get "it" or see it through the clouds.

Teacups took the words right out of my mouth: "Im not just tired, or sleepy too much... I am so fatigued I feel like I'm dying, literally..."

It's winter and it's been cold and the days are long and I know once spring comes and I get used to my new schedule I'll feel better but right now I just want to crawl under a rock.

 

[Katdb]

Hi everyone,

I have been reading all the posts, and came close to posting my own several times, but every time I would back out. I have/am going through a bit of a depressive 'crisis' (according to the Dr.) and I am feeling really alone right now, so this board has definitely helped to remind me that I am not the only one going through this.

My mom has been really great and my friends/family is trying, but a lot of times people are simply putting it down to stress (I'm in 4th year Bio-medical sciences, I have applied to Med school etc.). Yes there is a lot of stress in my life, but I don't think it's causing the depression, but the depression causing the stress if that makes any sense? I definitely agree with teacups that the fatigue is a killer... I know that I could get a lot more accomplishd in less time (thereby reducing stress) if I wasn't so tired all the time.

Anyways, I'mk not quite sure why I'm positng,bu if there is anyone else outthere lurking, I hope that my post can help you like the other posts have helped me. I have been speaking to a counsellor at University, and he suggested a CBT book called "Mind over Mood", so I thought I'd suggest it here too, in case anyone is interested.

Thanks for "listening"
*Katdb

 

[luvdzny]

I have never posted on this forum but this thread caught my eye. In August I was diagnosed with major depression and started medication & seeing a therapist. I was doing GREAT until my DD (17) was diagnosed with a serious illness in December. We have been spending the past 1 1/2 months in and out of the hospital with her having various tests to find out how to treat her. Right now we are waiting for the results of a brain MRI/MRA to see if there is something on her brain. Anyway, I feel myself slipping down again, I am still seeing the therapist but it is getting harder to go through a day without crying. I am glad that there are others here that know what it is like to suffer from depression. This is a great support group. Thanks for listening.

 

[jann1033]

I have never posted on this forum but this thread caught my eye. In August I was diagnosed with major depression and started medication & seeing a therapist. I was doing GREAT until my DD (17) was diagnosed with a serious illness in December. We have been spending the past 1 1/2 months in and out of the hospital with her having various tests to find out how to treat her. Right now we are waiting for the results of a brain MRI/MRA to see if there is something on her brain. Anyway, I feel myself slipping down again, I am still seeing the therapist but it is getting harder to go through a day without crying. I am glad that there are others here that know what it is like to suffer from depression. This is a great support group. Thanks for listening.

you might have already done this but due to my daughter's marital problems she basically had affective and clinical depression going on at the same time last summer... her dr realized more was up than the clinical and changed her meds( to lithium) and it seemed to help. her divorce is almost final and she is away from her husband and doing better now, basically back to "just" clinical dp...just make sure your dr knows what all is going on in your life.. hope everything works out well for your daughter

 

[LeesyUD]

I am glad to see a post like this on the DIS boards. I am 26 now and didn't really catch on to my depression until I went away to college when I was 19. Looking back I realized I was battling with depression in my childhood just didn't know it. I increasingly became distracted in school and couldn't focus, I always felt like I did not fit in with other kids, and worst I would come home after school and cry and hide it all the time and would think of any excuse not to go to school. I think going away to college was a huge change and the pressure just made my depression worse. I would cry for no reason at all and started missing too many classes bc of it. Most college kids gain the freshamn 15 or more. I lost alot of weight due to my depression, and it took a toll on my body. I tried a couple different meds and have found that Welbutrin works the best for me. I still struggle to remember to stay on my meds. I know that if I don't I am digging a hole for myself. I checked myself into the hospital for the first time for my depression a little over a year ago. I stayed in for a week to get on my meds and 3 wks of daily outpatient therapy. I was on short term disability for work but bc I had gotten so low I was not ready to return even after 3 months. It took me about 5 months to feel almost normal again. I have a new job that I like but is still stressful sometimes. I have been doing really well but I recently have been off my meds and have found myself becoming irritable and more emotionally sensitive. I am going to have to work on that these upcoming weeks. I am lucky though bc I have a really understanding fiance who is very supportive and stood by me at my lowest point.

 

[newholidayx2]

I was put on a low dose of sertraline back in Oct 06
btwn that and the gym I joined that same month Im doing good

 

[jann1033]

Hi everyone,

I have been reading all the posts, and came close to posting my own several times, but every time I would back out. I have/am going through a bit of a depressive 'crisis' (according to the Dr.) and I am feeling really alone right now, so this board has definitely helped to remind me that I am not the only one going through this.

My mom has been really great and my friends/family is trying, but a lot of times people are simply putting it down to stress (I'm in 4th year Bio-medical sciences, I have applied to Med school etc.). Yes there is a lot of stress in my life, but I don't think it's causing the depression, but the depression causing the stress if that makes any sense? I definitely agree with teacups that the fatigue is a killer... I know that I could get a lot more accomplishd in less time (thereby reducing stress) if I wasn't so tired all the time.

Anyways, I'mk not quite sure why I'm positng,bu if there is anyone else outthere lurking, I hope that my post can help you like the other posts have helped me. I have been speaking to a counsellor at University, and he suggested a CBT book called "Mind over Mood", so I thought I'd suggest it here too, in case anyone is interested.

Thanks for "listening"
*Katdb

not directed at poster but she mentions stress..last night i had diabetes education class and one thing that makes blood sugar go nuts is stress. the instructor mentioned a seminar about attaining peace she had attended and a couple interesting points were, 1) try to handle stress before it gets the upper hand by breaking a stressing cycle 2) you can sometimes break it by 1 of 2 easy things, take a deep breath, hold it , release. do this a number of times( not till you pass out though as that would be more stressful ) or try to scrunch you face up as small as possible and hold it there for a few seconds...that was hard to do for me but the point is if early on you can do something to break the cycle of your mind escalating the stress to the point it becomes overwhelming it might help. obviously this would work best with something like some goof cutting you off in traffic, dealing with a crabby person etc, but every little bit helps.

 

[gabbysmom04]

I thought that you might like to read this...

Welcome to Holland


Author: Emily Perl Kingsley


I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandt.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

This is not to try and make it better. I found this soon after my DS was born and it helped me a little.

 

[gabbysmom04]

I am so glad that I found this thread. I have suffered from depression on and off my whole life. I got worse when I was pregnant with DD. When I was 15 weeks pregnant they thought that I had inflammatorry breast cancer. I spent two months thinking I had less then 18 months to live.Turns out after a blotched breast biospy that I did not. Right after that I started to have painful contractions (everyday all day) that lasted until I gave birth to DD 5 weeks early. I spent two weeks in the hospital about a month before I had DD for preterm labor. When my DD was 8 months old I found out I was pregnant again. This time I started contracting at 11 weeks! I had to get shots in my butt everyweek and went into labor on a flight home from WDW three months early. Six weeks before DS was born the DRs decided to do an amnio to check his lungs and induce me because of the stress and depression I was under due to the unrelenting pain I was in everyday. (the plan was to relieve my stress by having me give birth) Well my DS was born much to my shock with a bilateral cleft lip and palate. Two days later they took him to the nursery for a checkup and came back and told us that he had a heart murmur and that they thought he had something wrong with his stomach. they went on to tell us that he had midline defects and they were not sure if he had a brain, and that he would most likely die. After they took him to the NICU I fell to my knees screaming for god to not let this be happening. Dominic had a perforated bowel that had given him an ecoli infection, he had surgery later that day to repair his bowels. We also found out through all the tests that he has a hole in his heart and pulmonary valve stenosis. He also had a bleed in his brain. (and it was there and working fine) He spent two weeks in the NICU the first week was in an induced coma on a vent. We baptised him the first day in the NICU. We were told later that he was hours from death. Dominic has has three more surgeries to repair his cleft. Had severe reflux, a neck condition, and had to endure wearing a helmet for moths. He is now 15 months old and the size of a 7-8 month old. And he is doing good. But I am still on that hospital floor. I have yet to pick myself up, I don't think I can. People expect that since he is doing okay now that I should be fine. But I had to face nightmares no mother should ever have to face. i wondered what I would do with his christmas presents I already bought him. What would he wear in his coffin? And now I am just supposed to be okay, I don't know how to be okay. I have been told that I am suffereing from post traumatic stress syndrome. And am going to start working with someone for it. I am sorry that this is so long! I just have no one to share this with.

 

[luvdzny]

Thanks for posting "Welcome to Holland" it was just what I needed this weekend. Yesterday I was really feeling down because of DD's illness. All of her friends are busy planning for graduation and college and we are not sure that she will get through senior year. She has been out of school since the beginning of November and we don't know when or even if she will be able to go back. This story puts things in a different perspective. Good luck to all of you that are going through tough times right now, I hope there are better days ahead soon.

 

[gabbysmom04]

Here is another one that I like this is written by LORI BORGMAN


My friend is expecting her first child. People keep asking what she wants. She smiles demurely, shakes her head and gives the answer mothers have given throughout the pages of time. She says it doesn't matter whether it's a boy or a girl. She just wants it to have ten fingers and ten toes.

Of course, that's what she says. That's what mothers have always said.

Mothers lie.

Truth be told, every mother wants a whole lot more. Every mother wants a perfectly healthy baby with a round head, rosebud lips, button nose, beautiful eyes and satin skin. Every mother wants a baby so gorgeous that people will pity the Gerber baby for being flat-out ugly.

Every mother wants a baby that will roll over, sit up and take those first steps right on schedule (according to the baby development chart on page 57, column two). Every mother wants a baby that can see, hear, run, jump and fire neurons by the billions. She wants a kid that can smack the ball out of the park and do toe points that are the envy of the entire ballet class. Call it greed if you want, but we mothers want what we want.

Some mothers get babies with something more.

Some mothers get babies with conditions they can't pronounce, a spine that didn't fuse, a missing chromosome or a palette that didn't close. Most of those mothers can remember the time, the place, the shoes they were wearing and the color of the walls in the small, suffocating room where the doctor uttered the words that took their breath away. It felt like recess in the fourth grade when you didn't see the kick ball coming and it knocked the wind clean out of you.

Some mothers leave the hospital with a healthy bundle, then, months, even years later, take him in for a routine visit, or schedule her for a well check, and crash head first into a brick wall as they bear the brunt of devastating news. It can't be possible! That doesn't run in our family. Can this really be happening in our lifetime?

I am a woman who watches the Olympics for the sheer thrill of seeing finely sculpted bodies. It's not a lust thing; it's a wondrous thing. The athletes appear as specimens without flaw - rippling muscles with nary an ounce of flab or fat, virtual powerhouses of strength with lungs and limbs working in perfect harmony. Then the athlete walks over to a tote bag, rustles through the contents and pulls out an inhaler.

As I've told my own kids, be it on the way to physical therapy after a third knee surgery, or on a trip home from an echocardiogram, there's no such thing as a perfect body. Every body will bear something at some time or another. Maybe the affliction will be apparent to curious eyes, or maybe it will be unseen, quietly treated with trips to the doctor, medication or surgery. The health problems our children have experienced have been minimal and manageable, so I watch with keen interest and great admiration the mothers of children with serious disabilities, and wonder how they do it.


Frankly, sometimes you mothers scare me. How you lift that child in and out of a wheelchair 20 times a day. How you monitor tests, track medications, regulate diet and serve as the gatekeeper to a hundred specialists yammering in your ear.

I wonder how you endure the clichés and the platitudes, well-intentioned souls explaining how God is at work when you've occasionally questioned if God is on strike. I even wonder how you endure schmaltzy pieces like this one -- saluting you, painting you as hero and saint, when you know you're ordinary. You snap, you bark, you bite. You didn't volunteer for this, you didn't jump up and down in the motherhood line yelling, "Choose me, God. Choose me! I've got what it takes."

You're a woman who doesn't have time to step back and put things in perspective, so, please, let me do it for you. From where I sit, you're way ahead of the pack. You've developed the strength of a draft horse while holding onto the delicacy of a daffodil. You have a heart that melts like chocolate in a glove box in July, carefully counter-balanced against the stubbornness of an Ozark mule. You can be warm and tender one minute, and when circumstances require, intense and aggressive the next.

You are the mother, advocate and protector of a child with a disability. You're a neighbor, a friend, a stranger I pass at the mall. You're the woman I sit next to at church, my cousin and my sister-in-law. You're a woman who wanted ten fingers and ten toes, and got something more. You're a wonder.

 

[A Mickeyfan]

I am glad to see this thread I do not suffer from depression. I have never posted about my son being BP before last night & did it over on the Community Board stemming from a post I had about an ESE Prek class. Then I felt a bit sorry I did it, but on the other hand, parents of young children with a mental illness need to hear what happens when their baby's become teens & young adults. All your good parenting can go out the window when you have a child that will self medicate & the law will not listen to that one . There are times that, while I do not per-say suffer from depression, I do have bouts of it when I am at my wits end on what to do when he is sprialing and reading this can help me. My husband was on Prozak, now on Paxil. Years ago, after my hysterectomy, the doc did put me on Xanax for panic attacks then change me to ativant. I have not taken them since at least 2000.
Again, I am glad to see this out in the open where others can support one another and not feel as if they are being looked down on! Now we need to start a thread or Board for parent of children with a mental illness ...

 

[pjb_hockey_mom]

Hi everyone! The past 18 months for me and my family have been pretty rough. As I've probably posted before - I lost my job of 18 years, my grandfather passed away, and my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

During this time I was finding myself becoming more and more depressed. Last week my mother found out she has stage 1 cancer of the kidney and it needs to come out.

I met with my dr. today, just a check in, and it didn't go very well. Typically I avoid the scale when I go, but today I said what the heck....things can't get any worse - boy was I wrong. I'm so disgusted with myself right now that all I can do is laugh. If I don't laugh I'm afraid I'll start crying and never stop. My anti depressants aren't working as they initially did and he wants me to go see a psychiatrist for a more thorough diagnosis.

I'm wondering if anyone else out there has issues with their weight and what you did to get motivated? I know its a vicious cycle....the more weight I gain the more depressed I get the less I want to do, etc. etc.

Some days the thought of leaving the house freaks me out, so when the dr. mentioned today that I need to get out and start walking around the neighborhood, etc. I almost had a pannic attack just thinking about it. This doesn't happen all the time and most days I function fine it's just the days when I can't get out of my own way that hold me back.

Fortunately my father is doing well and my mother will be fine. It will be a difficult surgery but she will be fine. My job search continues, which is a whole other ordeal, but I think right now I need to get my weight and my emotions under controll.

I hope everyone else is doing okay and hanging in!

 

[Mackey Mouse]

Hugs to you PJB........I struggle with my weight too... what I do, when I am doing it, is try to keep to 1200 calories a day....and I try to do at least 45 minutes of cardio at least 5 times a week.. Now I am not taking any anti-depressants and I am concerned that they sometimes pack on the weight....but I could be wrong.

Anyway... I wanted you to know I am thinking of you. I cannot believe your Mom has to go through kidney cancer and a nephrectomy.....your Dad is doing ok? Please know that we are here for and one day at a time.. you have a lot on your plate, do not beat yourself up.... HUgs

 

[LeesyUD]

Hi everyone! The past 18 months for me and my family have been pretty rough. As I've probably posted before - I lost my job of 18 years, my grandfather passed away, and my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

During this time I was finding myself becoming more and more depressed. Last week my mother found out she has stage 1 cancer of the kidney and it needs to come out.

I met with my dr. today, just a check in, and it didn't go very well. Typically I avoid the scale when I go, but today I said what the heck....things can't get any worse - boy was I wrong. I'm so disgusted with myself right now that all I can do is laugh. If I don't laugh I'm afraid I'll start crying and never stop. My anti depressants aren't working as they initially did and he wants me to go see a psychiatrist for a more thorough diagnosis.

I'm wondering if anyone else out there has issues with their weight and what you did to get motivated? I know its a vicious cycle....the more weight I gain the more depressed I get the less I want to do, etc. etc.

Some days the thought of leaving the house freaks me out, so when the dr. mentioned today that I need to get out and start walking around the neighborhood, etc. I almost had a pannic attack just thinking about it. This doesn't happen all the time and most days I function fine it's just the days when I can't get out of my own way that hold me back.

Fortunately my father is doing well and my mother will be fine. It will be a difficult surgery but she will be fine. My job search continues, which is a whole other ordeal, but I think right now I need to get my weight and my emotions under controll.

I hope everyone else is doing okay and hanging in!

I strugly with my weight also....in a bad way. My weight is at the point now where I am unhealthy and am losing more and more energy. I was planning on joining the gym with my fiance but he just lost his job from the company going under. My weight really affects my energy level, my motivation to want to go out and do things bc I worry I will run into someone who knew me when I was "thinner" bc I am so ashamed. I have stopped going out with my friends bc of it and it is taking a toll on my relationship with my fiance bc I am extra insecure now. He is a big guy, so he understands but he is also a foot taller and it is easier for him to carry his weight. We both decided we are going to start going for walks until we have the money to join the gym. I am going to get a personal trainer and see a nutrionist. If after 6 months or so of working really hard with those things, I do not see much progress I may look into surgery. It is an extreme that I never thought I would get to, but at this point I am such a high risk bc of my weight that I know I would qualify for it. I have talked to my family and fiance and they totally support this if it was it comes down too. I wouldn't normally post this bc it is hard but in the last five years I have gained over 100 lbs. And now it is harder than ever to loose any weight. I didn't think it was ever possible for me to gain that much weight but it has happen and I am going to work as hard as I can to get healthy.

 

[pjb_hockey_mom]

Hi gals, thanks for your replies

Marsha - yes, most anti depressants do have a tendancy to make people gain weight, unfortunately. So while I struggle with myself emotionally, I'm now struggling with myself physically and the combination isn't good. I am praying that going to see this psychiatrist will help and give me a kick start in the right direction. Ultimately it is up to me, but I'm hoping he will be able to help.

LeesyUD - thank you so much for sharing that with us! Weight can be totally debilitating, not only to our health but also to our self image and to our normal day to day life! It sounds like you have a great support system which is part of the battle.

Hang in and keep us posted! Even if you just need to "aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh" we're here!

 

[Mackey Mouse]

HUgs to you PJB.. tell your Dad I am thinking of him too....I cannot help myself but think of him knowing what he has been through and what your family has gone through too..

Please take care of yourself and hopefully this new doctor can help you.

 

[MaMudduck]

Hi, I've only just read through the first 3 pages and I'm so glad this thread was started. I, too suffer from SAD. It really came to the surface 4 years ago, and it was really because my family doctor continued to ask alot of probing questions. I knew I wasn't functioning normally but I thought it was ADD (which as doc told me "depression, ADD, and SAD usually start with the same course of treatment).

I didn't think it was depression because I didn't cry, I was suicidal, I wasn't self medicating, I wasn't emotional out of control, or anxious: these are all the things I had seen in my friends that were dealing with depression. I was just numb, wanting to sleep all the time be not being able to sleep, losing weight (the only good part) not eating, not doing anything.

The first winter on meds started to help...doc suggested I always have a vacation in the planning state (the planning helps you focus on the future) and for me to take vacation to warm sunny places in the winter months, which here in Canada feel like forever!

I guess what bring me over here today is I've just returned from 2 weeks in Mexico ( back to the cold & the snow ) This fall I really haven't been taking the meds (Prozac) and have just started taking it again since I've be home but still feeling like I'm in the "black hole" again. I know it takes awhile to kick in again but I kind of feeling like my DH & DD (12) are pushing me to do more then I can handle right now. I don't think they realize I'm in that "funk" again.

Man, I really hate to burden then with this and I do try to do as much as I can to function normal. When it felt this bad before I was working and now that i am it, it feels like that’s all I can handle right now ( my part time job).
Any suggestion on how to get my family to understand this phase?

Thanks for listen to this long post. It feels better now that I put some word to these feeling.
Wendy

 

[gymstx]

Last Friday I was diagnosed with anxiety, panic attacks and depression. I just started taking prozac. I've been really tired and sick to my stomach and my anxiety has been really high. I ended up in the ER on Sunday because I just lost it, broke down crying and couldn't stop. Doctor there gave me avitan. It really calmed me down but made me extremely tired. I'm wondering how long before I start to notice a difference, any difference. I'm still VERY emotional but feel dead inside.

 

[pankyg]

I was very happy to find this thread. My family and I are going through a rough time. I've struggled with depression in the past and have been able to overcome it, but now I can't seem to snap out of it.

My husband left me and my two kids 1 1/2 ago. My kids are 8 and 3 1/2. I was working three jobs to make ends meet, but I recently lost two of my jobs (they were babysitting jobs and the parents lost their jobs or had to change hours) because of the recession and we're struggling. I've been looking for other work but it's tough. I'm taking my county's civil service exam on the 16th and hopefully something will come from that.

I've gained so much weight and my house is a mess. I just can't seem to "snap out of it." I'm on an anti-depressant (the 3rd one in the past year and a half), but I'm having trouble finding one that helps. I'm doing the best I can for my kids but it's hard. If anyone has any tips or things that have helped them I'd appreciate the help. I'm sorry to moan, I know everyone else has problems, but I just feel alone and abandoned right now.

Thanks,

Brenda