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[bellacam]

We've already had the sex talk, etc. and I just thought from all of our conversations that she would wait until she was much older (boy am I stupid!).

So did my mother. Honestly, I would do what previous poster have suggested and just bring up the subject by stating you've noticed them getting closer. If you have done your job as a parent by revisiting the subject often, educating her about birth control, pregnancy and all that comes with sex, you have done everything you can do, in my opinion.(Short of locking her up or getting a chastity belt) It does sound to me like you are very involved and have done what you can to help her make the right choices.

 

[Caradana]

She's 16, a good kid, in a committed relationship ... I think you're actually in really great shape as far as she is concerned. I think at this point I'd take her to the gynocologist and make sure she's got a birth control method that she understands.

 

[Geoff_M]

Under the circumstances, I have a hard time seeing that anything good would come from a direct confrontation at this point. The only way I'd do it is if you have concrete evidence that they were planning something specific (like detailed plans for a post-Homecoming dance "event").

One thing we've done to try and prevent such moral dilemmas is to be up front with our kids that we, as their parents, reserve the right to snoop into things like e-mail, internet activities, etc. Not that we actively do, but we can if we choose to, or have reason to believe that they are "up to something". Therefore if something is discovered and we want to talk to them about it, there's little room for them to declare outrage and that we've "violated their privacy".

I realize that there are other means (i.e. hotmail) to circumvent our monitoring attempts, but that's no different than if we declare such exchanges using household accounts as "off limits" to parental peeking.

So, my advice, talk to her but try not to let her know you saw her phone. Next time it will be password protected too.

My response to this would be "Who's paying for the phone?" I pay for my daughter's phone, and as long as I do so, it will remain "unlocked" (or at worst I'll have the password too).

 

[WDWorld2003]

Thanks everyone for your help....it is so appreciated.
Wow, these teenage years are tough!

 

[DVCLiz]

She's 16, a good kid, in a committed relationship ... I think you're actually in really great shape as far as she is concerned. I think at this point I'd take her to the gynocologist and make sure she's got a birth control method that she understands.

A great big yes to this advice!!!

Honestly, I don't understand why you wouldn't say, "Look, I'm sorry I did it, but I snooped through your text messages and I really regret it. But, I read some things that make me think you're sexually active or soon will be, and I need to have a conversation about that with you." Then I'd really talk to her, in a non-threatening tone, about your values, the choices you hope she'll make, the consequences of STDs and early pregnancy, etc. BUT, I'd also make sure she got on birth control ASAP.

Let's face it, whether she's a "good" girl or not, if she has access to her boyfriend and a car, and some free time, she'll have sex if she wants to. And I think your window has closed as far as talking about it in the abstract.

And if she's smart enough to be able to figure out how to use a cell phone, she's smart enough to see through some lame "Honey, I was just thinking..." story. Really, what would you say in real life that would sound convincing??? That's not the way I talked to my teenage daughter, and I don't think any of her friends had that conversation with their moms, either. My daughter would have seen through that a mile away.

And as far as not letting her know you snooped because it would mean she wouldn't trust you in the future, well, she shouldn't, should she? If you're going to provide or allow her to have a cell phone with text messaging, you're either going to have to let it be private or you're going to have to tell her that those messages will be read by you, too. What you're really saying is "I did something I shouldnt have done, but I don't want to get caught or fess up that I did it, but I really need to act on it." Really, wouldn't just coming clean and letting her be angry be the best course of action??

 

[agnes!]

I think it's sadly funny that teenagers think that all sexual activities *except* actual physical intercourse are somehow safe and "not really s.e.x.". Many STDs can be spread by almost any intimate physical means, viruses always find a way to survive & thrive.

If any of our spouses told us that they were engaging in an ongoing physical relationship but that the two of them always stopped short of actual physical intercourse ("s.e.x."), so it wasn't really "cheating"...would we buy that line?
I think not.

agnes!

 

[mickeyboat]

I agree with your approach, and stongly recommend you explore birth control methods with her. All the talking in the world will not stop her when she is caught up in the moment. If she does something she might regret later, at least she will be protected - from STD's and unwanted PG.

Please remind me of this advice in another 9 years when I am facing this with my girls.

Denae

 

[olena]

If you go the birth control route, take it one step further and consider STD-control as well. The pill doesn't save you from HIV.