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[WDWorld2003]

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[mrsltg]

You're her mother. You need to speak to her. It's going to be rough but it's the right thing to do. Good luck - you are doing this for her own good....

 

[NMAmy]

You don't have to let her know you snooped. Just say, "I notice you and Boyfriend seem to be getting pretty serious." and take the conversation from there. I always remind dd that from an emotional and maturity aspect, it will honestly be better for her to wait until she's older. I have no idea if she really listens--but she knows my feelings--and she also knows I'm always there if she needs to talk about ANYTHING.

This is such a difficult age for EVERYBODY, isn't it?

 

[Tinijocaro]

Sorry- no experience here, my kids are younger than yours. I'm not sure what I would do- I would definitely have to address it, maybe from a compassionate angle- talk about the pressures boys put on young girls, even very nice boys. Remind her why it's good to keep her virginity, what can happen when you start playing around- STD's, reputation, heartbreak. Tell her you know there is lots of pressure to do it, but she will be glad she waited, and so will her future husband, even if it is the boy she is dating now.

good luck- I am interested in hearing the advice you recieve.

 

[Breezy_Carol]

I found something in my DD's on-line journal that I had to address with her. Her Dad and I discussed the issue and she knew how we had discovered what she had done. She then placed a password on her journal.

So, my advice, talk to her but try not to let her know you saw her phone. Next time it will be password protected too.

 

[VistaLeigh'smommy]

I totally think you should talk to her about it. It will be tough, but she probably has so much pressure on her that it could be a relief to get it off of her chest.


best of luck!

 

[UP Disney]

I admit it, I snooped. My 16 DD forgot her cell phone today. She's always very possessive of it. I checked some of her text messages and a few from her boyfriend indicate there's way more going on then I thought and I'm concerned she is either sexually active or will become soon.

I'm not sure how I should approach her. I don't like her thinking that I snooped as I don't want her to hide things from us. We've already had the sex talk, etc. and I just thought from all of our conversations that she would wait until she was much older (boy am I stupid!).

Any advise would be appreciated......

You definitely need to talk with her. You don't need to let her know why you are talking with her. Having the talk once isn't enough. It is a continuing discussion.

I have the discussion with my girls every time they have a new boyfriend and start to get more serious. We discuss how hard it is sometimes to keep your emotions under control. We talk about making sure they are protected if they can't control them (I also do lots of praying that this never happens).

 

[WDWorld2003]

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[cyndibelle]

make the conversation very casual..dont let her know you were in her phone by any means..she will then feel violated and feel like you always snooping on her..you dont want her to shut down to you...so take the casual approach..say listen i saw this program about sexually active teens and i couldnt believe so much was going on in the world...honey have you and so and so been sexually active or do you talk about being ??? you know something like that ...just make it a casual conversation..kids now a days grow up way to fast ...and in reality you can say your going to keep your kids from doing this or that ..but the truth is if they really want to do it they are going to find away..so keep the doors of communication open...

 

[Gymbomom]

I agree with starting the conversation casual AND not mentioning you snooped. Maybe start inviting them to spend more time with you and your husband....or more time at your home where you can monitor them. Offer to buy them pizza and a movie, stuff like that.
Make sure she knows you are there for her to talk to.
I feel so bad for teenage girls in this situation. It is such a big deal for them, and I think the pressure is SO high.

(((HUGS))) to you and best wishes!!!

 

[WDWorld2003]

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[salmoneous]

I gotta believe telling DD that you snooped her phone would be a total disaster. That said, "the sex talk" isn't supposed to be a one-time thing; this might be a real good time for a follow-up (which, from your later post, sounds like you are doing.)

 

[Gymbomom]

Does his parents feel the same way as ya'll do. (monitoring them) Do you think they have more privacy at his house?

 

[Tiggerrn2]

Please talk to her again and again. I work in Labor and Delivery and it makes me so sad to see the young girls I do, not only pregnant, but with a history of STDs that they don't think are "any big deal". They are under the misconception that because they can be treated for things such as chlamydia and gonorrhea, that there is no harm done. What they fail to realize is that even these diseases have the potential to lead to scar tissue resulting in damage to tissues which may prevent them from getting pregnant way down the line when they are married and want to start a family. Also, I'm sure you've seen all those HPV commercials which talk about how this virus can lead to cervical cancer. Teens have no concept of mortality, and they think it won't happen to them. I wish schools would allow nurses or physicians to give a very detailed "talk" on this subject. There are so many STDs kids don't even think about. Herpes, though managable, is with them forever. Syphilis is with them forever. There are warts and bacterial vaginosis, trichomonis. So please, do not hesitate to talk to her again. An unwanted pregnancy is not the only thing you are trying to have her avoid.

 

[Gymbomom]

Please talk to her again and again. I work in Labor and Delivery and it makes me so sad to see the young girls I do, not only pregnant, but with a history of STDs that they don't think are "any big deal". They are under the misconception that because they can be treated for things such as chlamydia and gonorrhea, that there is no harm done. What they fail to realize is that even these diseases have the potential to lead to scar tissue resulting in damage to tissues which may prevent them from getting pregnant way down the line when they are married and want to start a family. Also, I'm sure you've seen all those HPV commercials which talk about how this virus can lead to cervical cancer. Teens have no concept of mortality, and they think it won't happen to them. I wish schools would allow nurses or physicians to give a very detailed "talk" on this subject. There are so many STDs kids don't even think about. Herpes, though managable, is with them forever. Syphilis is with them forever. There are warts and bacterial vaginosis, trichomonis. So please, do not hesitate to talk to her again. An unwanted pregnancy is not the only thing you are trying to have her avoid.

Thank you so much for your post, information like that is VITAL to teens.

 

[Tiggerrn2]

You are very welcome. I only hope it helps.

 

[smartestnumber5]

I would definitely not bring up the snooping. It can't hurt to talk to her about sex again though.

You should realize, though, that kids who are techinically "waiting" often engage in other types of sexual activity. In fact, in high school and college I had friends who wanted to remain virgins, seemingly for moral or religious reasons, and they engaged in pretty much every sexual activity that would be part of an average lesbian couple's sex life, yet somehow thought they were not actually having sex. So it could be that what your daughter has said to you about waiting and what you saw in the text message are both accurate.

Either way, no matter how much you talk to her in the end its up to her whether they're going to have sex or not. Do you think if she were having sex she would be honest with you about it? You might just want to remind her about risks and about birth control and STDs and then foster open communication--offer to take her to the gynecologist or planned parenthood if she's thinking about sex (or having it) and wants to talk to a health care professional or get birth control or needs an annual exam. Even if you'd really prefer she didn't have sex, I wouldn't be too heavy handed in pressing that. It might just make her less likely to want to talk to you about it if she has had sex or is planning to.

 

[UP Disney]

We have had the talk several times and it is an ongoing discussion. She actually seemed pretty open to me and told me not to be worried - she would never do anything. I guess I just thought she was more innocent than she is and now I feel like the wool was pulled over my eyes.

I have concerns for her such as unwanted pregnancy, too early to be involved with someone, and the list goes on. However, I'm afraid if I approach her on the messaging she will completely lock us out...... it's a fine line here and I want to do the best I can by helping her make the right choices.

I totally understand about the fine line. I wouldn't necessarily tell her about seeing the text message. I remember how difficult that age was for myself - my memory is fading but I still recall that. Your mind tells you one thing but your heart and emotions tell you something entirely different. I did make it through high school without having sex though it was a rocky road.

Don't assume that she is pulling the wool over your eyes. She may have every intention of not having sex. Let her know your concerns and make sure she knows how to protect herself (that is the hardest part since you want her to make the right choice but you have to make sure she is ready if she makes the wrong choice for all the reasons you listed above). The statistics are staggering on how many kids do have sex and how young they are.

 

[minnieandme]

We have had the talk several times and it is an ongoing discussion. She actually seemed pretty open to me and told me not to be worried - she would never do anything. I guess I just thought she was more innocent than she is and now I feel like the wool was pulled over my eyes.

I have concerns for her such as unwanted pregnancy, too early to be involved with someone, and the list goes on. However, I'm afraid if I approach her on the messaging she will completely lock us out...... it's a fine line here and I want to do the best I can by helping her make the right choices.

It's good that you have had several discussions, but know that teenagers these days may not have actual intercourse, but oral *** just so they can say they're still a virgin. So in case you haven't included that in your talk, you just may want to.

 

[4nana]

We have had the talk several times and it is an on going discussion. She actually seemed pretty open to me and told me not to be worried - she would never do anything. I guess I just thought she was more innocent than she is and now I feel like the wool was pulled over my eyes.

I have concerns for her such as unwanted pregnancy, too early to be involved with someone, and the list goes on. However, I'm afraid if I approach her on the messaging she will completely lock us out...... it's a fine line here and I want to do the best I can by helping her make the right choices.

Having raised 3 daughters and a son, I feel your pain, as each child is so very different. It sounds as though you're a really loving and caring Mom with a good relationship with your DD and someone she can turn to when she needs to talk.

I share your concern in telling her you read her text messages....I agree, she may shut down and not trust you again. Don't worry, she realizes she left her phone home by now and is probably wondering if you've snooped ! I would not mention sex again until the appropriate time comes up and take it from there simply as a continous education.

Our children no matter their age are our most precious assets. Sadly, parents do not come equipped with licenses, we do the best we can raising responsible children and hope for the best. If we've done a descent job, 'hopefully' they will make wise decisions. This is where our faith comes in, to trust them and realize you've done the best job you can. Good luck - we've all been their sweetie. As a Mom, just be there with an open arms, heart and mind.