Debate: Do you let your kids lie?

[ginna74]

we have caller id on the phones and the kids never answer the phones to those who they don't know. And a gentle lie can be fine now, but if you found out by lets say someone else that they are skying instead of with you. No I would rather know the truth anyday and maybe that makes me cold but to know that lets say daughter is with friends instead of with me would be fine, and when her friends come up to me and say heyyyy how was her trip I would say "ohhhh it was great" versus being surprised and hurt. And to be able to trust people is important to me as well, I have been lied to by people and hurt me big time. where is the line and can it go to far?

 

[MrsPete]

There isn't a single person that knows my son that doesn't know that he has allergies. And if they forget, the allergy pack that is ALWAYS dangling from his belt loop and has bright yellow allergy warnings on it, might be a clue! My son doesn't have ANY problem telling people he has allergies. He isn't embarrassed by it and his friends could care less. The parents are the ones that are the whack jobs and feel the need to question every little detail. Don't feed my kid. Pretty simple instructions but too many adults don't want to accept it.

My own children don't have food allergies, but there's a girl in my daugther's scout troop who has SEVERE issues. Her mom lets her go everywhere with the troop, but she sends her own food along. Her mom's taught her to self advocate, saying, "I have food allergies, and I'm not allowed to eat anything my mom hasn't okayed." No one ever tries to ply her with forbidden fruit. She's still having a great time with her friends, AND she's not endangering herself.

 

[NHdisneylover]

on the kids being home alone issue and someone calls and asks to speak to dh or me our kids are taught to ask "whose calling please"-then they can determine if it's someone on the "approved" list (certain family and friends) who can be told that we're not home and to leave a message or call our cell. if it's not someone on that list the pat answer is "sorry mom/dad can't come to the phone right now" (honestly we can't we're not home) "can i take a message?". if it's a non list person and they ask if mom/dad's home my kids have been told they are not to answer that question only to say 'sorry my mom/dad can't come to the phone do you want to leave a message?'. person persists they can just say "if you don't want to leave a message i'll tell mom/dad you called, bye" then hang up.

caller i.d. is awsome for this-generaly the only calls they answer when we are out is from people they can tell we're out, all the other can just toggle into voice mail

To me this type of thing while technically true is basically is just skirting the truth with a technicality. Either way is deceptive in my mind. Actually to ME (while I can totally see how technically true must be very important to you) finding a way to deceive while beleiving you are being truthful is more dishonest than admiting to yourself you are telling a minor lie for a good reason.

ETA: I do not mean to "pick on" just you. Lots of posters have said something similar--yours was just the easiest quote for me to grab. Sorry 'bout that.

 

[MusiqChic99]

Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm honest....usually to a fault. Every friend I have tell me that if they want to know something like if a pair of pants look good, they ask me. Because I will let them know. NO...I'm not mean, cruel or rude about it. But a simple, "girl those jeans aren't for you" does just fine. We are friends they get it.

My son is only 3 but I dont plan on encouraging him to tell lies. If he isn't interested in going anywhere with his friends a simple "I dont feel like going" is fine and I dont know why that is hard for people to do. None of my friends ever get upset with me if I just didn't feel like participating in something....even in something for a good cause. Sometimes I'm just not up for the social interaction. I see nothing wrong with this.

I don't think it's good to encourage anyone to lie. There are always ways of wording the truth that won't hurt someone's feelings. I'm honest with myself too, something a lot of people aren't good at either!

 

[monkey68]

When I was little (before the age of caller ID and cell phones being so common) I was taught to tell people who I didn't know that my mom was either in the shower or taking a nap if she wasn't home. I guess my mom figured if I said they weren't able to come to the phone, then people would know that she wasn't home.

 

[Serena]

OP I am in your camp. My kids are encouraged to tell minor lies to smooth over social situations and/or get themselves out of an uncomfortable situation (the things like, "I already have plans" or "My mom won't let me"). They are also told to lie for their safety at times. For example. If they are home alone and someone calls for me, they do not say I am not there. They say I am busy and can call right back (then they take a message and call me). They know to pretend they are on their cells with me and see me in the next cafe, etc. if someone nearby makes them nervous when they are out on their own. These kinds of lies are safer and better than the truth.
They also know that being honest about the bigger issues is vitally important. They also know being a basically honest person means not lying about your age at the movie theatre or cheating on a test, etc. It means also speaking up when you are given too much change and speaking up to if you witness something wrong and the victim needs your help. They can handle that the world is not black and white--it is full of shades of grey.
I wouldn't make a blanket statment about much of anything. You don't teach kids (past preschool) to NEVER cross a street. You teach them to judge the street and know when and where it is safe to cross but to also know where it is NEVER safe to cross (the interstate for example). You do not teach them to NEVER hit someone. You teach them hitting is normally not okay but if someone is hurting you you can and should fight back to get away.

I guess I would say I teach my kids to be HONEST people--but that does not equate to never lying.
I teach my kids to be PEACEFUL people but that does not equate to never fighting back
I teach my kids to be CARING people but that does not equate to never doing anything selfish
etc.

YMMV

I agree.

 

[sbell111]

we have caller id on the phones and the kids never answer the phones to those who they don't know. And a gentle lie can be fine now, but if you found out by lets say someone else that they are skying instead of with you. No I would rather know the truth anyday and maybe that makes me cold but to know that lets say daughter is with friends instead of with me would be fine, and when her friends come up to me and say heyyyy how was her trip I would say "ohhhh it was great" versus being surprised and hurt. And to be able to trust people is important to me as well, I have been lied to by people and hurt me big time. where is the line and can it go to far?

What's 'skying'? If it is something that I specifically told them not to do or something that is illegal and they are doing it, then I'm going to be quite bent. However, if it's something that they wouldn't be forbidden to do, then why should I care? Also, if the person doing the fibbing is an adult, they don't owe me a rundown of what they have been doing, so they are welcome to spin a little white lie.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm honest....usually to a fault. ...

You know why they call it that, right? They call it that because often times the truth is not the best policy. Here's an example:

Last Saturday morning my wife's uncle, who is a farmer, was driving a big box truck full of veggies to market. An oncoming Ford Escape was driven by a sleepy driver. The car went into the ditch. The driver then over corrected, sending his vehiclke out of the ditch at an angle to the road. When the car contacted the road, it began to flip, rolling and bouncing along the road just like in a movie. Our uncle couldn't get out of the way. Since the car was bouncing in the air in addition to rolling, it didn't hit Hank's Mack truck in the bumper. Instead it hit the cabover truck just at the bottom of the windshield. Rescue personnel took 45 minutes to cut him out of the truck before they were able to life flight him to the closest trauma center, 30 miles away.

Hank called his wife immediately after the accident and she beat the rescue crews to the scene by several minutes. From the time that she got there to the time he was finally freed, she sat in the mangled cab holding him up so that he didn't have all of his weight on one arm. He was pretty bad off and she was pretty certain that she was going to lose him. When we got to the hospital about 40 minutes later, she was still waiting to here something and was basically in shock.

Initial scans showed four broken ribs, multiple leg fractures, and possible tendon damage to one hand, in addition to several areas that just needed to be stitched up. He was in need of at least three orthopedic surgeries, but there was no internal injuries found and everything was deemed to be 'recoverable' based on the initial review.

The trauma unit has four visitation times per day, during which two people at a time can visit. It just so happened that my sister in law, a non-practicing nurse was visiting while the doctor was talking to him. The doctor noted that their was a break in one of his cervical vertabrae so they were going to leave the collar on for now just to keep unnecessary pressure off the hairline fracture. My SIL, never passing up an opportunity to show how brilliant she is, promptly came out to the waiting room and told his wife that his neck was 'broken'. She took a very common and relatively minor whiplash injury, whipped it into a ton of drama, and served it up to the extremely stressed out wife.

The smart thing would have been to leave the trauma unit as soon as the doctor arrived and get his wife. Her second option would have been to ask a few questions of the doctor so she truly understood the injury and then to explain it carefully to his wife. A third option would have been to keep her pie hole shut and let Hank or the doctor explain it to his wife. She took none of those options and went with 'the truth', instead.

 

[NHdisneylover]

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You know why they call it that, right? They call it that because often times the truth is not the best policy. Here's an example:

.

I thought you were going to go somewhere different with this story. I bet even though Hank's wife believed she was going to lose him she was not "truthfull" with him about that. I hope when he asked her how bad it seemed that she lied with all her might and comforted him by telling him she thought he would be okay. It didn't look as serious as it must feel, etc. In such a situation, the victim needs support and hope not brutal truth.
SIL's brand of factual truth was totally dishonest in my eyes (meant to show off and shock and not really convey what was going on yet technically true).

So sorry about your uncle. I hope he comes out of this in as good of shape as he was in when he was hit