Death is part of life....

[dumboiu]

Am I a cold, callous person to think that death is part of life and when it happens to someone in your life that you can grieve and feel sad but you have to accept it, deal with it, and get on with your life?

Before you say "Well, you've just never lost someone close to you", my mother died when I was 17 and yes, it was very sad. There are many things in my life I wish she had been around for. But I grieved, I got over it, and got on with my life. 2 months after she died I went to college and have marched through life ever since.

I just don't see the point of having your life and joy come to a screeching halt indefinitely because someone died. The fact is that EVERYONE is going to die sometime. It's part of being a human.

Is this post because of Mushy's anniversary of her Mom's passing post?
It is my opinion that you don't really need to see the point of other's grief.......it is not your business and it doesn't concern you. People respond differently and that is okay. I am not sure anyone has stated that their life has come to a halt.......just that they feel a kind of emptiness. Your post seems judgmental to me.

 

[Evil Genius]

11 years ago my beloved Daddy and brother died exactly a month to the day apart. I still cry when something reminds me too closely of that time, I can't hear Taps even on TV (played at Daddy's funeral) and refuse to attend a military funeral. Sometimes I cannot watch Andy Griffith reruns because he reminds me so much of my dad.

Even with all that being true, I still go through my day to day life. Its not that I haven't gotten on with my life, but the memory of their deaths will always make me cry. I still have continued through the past 11 years, doing all the things I would have done, not really missing a beat. I just tend to avoid those things that bring too much emotion rushing back. I can talk with family for hours about their lives and laugh at things we remember them doing or saying--but remembering the time of their deaths is still very hard.

Everyone handles death and grief differently.

You've said it beautifully. I will talk about my dh at anytime. I can laugh at the situations he and I used to get into. Or about what a great cook he was. But don't ask me to talk about the day he died. Or to listen to a Doors song, or watch an episode of Futurama. It's the little things that will make me burst into tears.

As a side note I took a male friend (and yes he is just a friend) to an event where people there were friends of mine and my late dh. While most of my friends were happy to see me with someone, I had one person who was very upset that I showed up with someone who was male. They felt I was dishonoring my dh's memory. I don't understand that type of thinking.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

As others have said, we all look at grief differently, and a lot of depends on the circumstances of the deaths as well as the individual involved.

While I grieved my grandfather and stepgrandmother, I had a long time to prepare for their deaths. I grew up knowing only them as grandparents because my paternal grandfather and maternal grandmother died before I was even born. My paternal grandmother died when I was too young to really remember her. My grandparents lived out west and I only saw them once or twice a year. I loved them, but was used to life without them and grew up knowing that grandparents are only in our lives for a short time. It amazes me the number of people my age that still have grandparents who are alive.

On the other hand, after my grandfather died Helen (my stepgrandmother, who treated me like her own) pretty much did stop functioning. It was six months later that she passed. It did not surprise me in the least when she did. Grandpa was the their husband she buried. They had gotten to the point where neither coult take care of themselves, but they could take care of eachother. They loved eachother very much. Shortly before grandpa's death, they had to move into an assisted living facility. Helen was never able to move back to her house. The loss of her third husband whom she had spent so many years with, her independence, etc, I think got to be too much for her. And I cannot blame her in the least.

Death is not neat and easy. Death is messy and hard. Sometimes we have time to prepare, to allow ourselves to grieve before the actual death, to resolve any issues. But many times we do not. Many times death is sudden. There may be problems that were left hanging that the loved ones feel guilty about. There may be survivor's guilt. Perhaps the deceased was simply so large a part of somebody's life that they must reinvent who they are upon that person's passing. And sometimes the manner of death in and of itself is traumatic for the survivors. It is not easy to do that. It is a long, arduous, and often times painful process for many.

It's great that some people can just get over it and move on, but not everybody is like that. Don't look down on others because they cannot be as stoic as you.

 

[HunnyPots]

So if one of your children die, you will just go with that child and leave you other child without a mother?

I agree with the OP, yes, death is sad, yes we miss people, yes, we have to move on. I dread having something happen to my kids but if something happened to one of them I can't imagine not being around for the other two.

I never said it was a good plan. It's simply how I feel. No one knows how they will handle the situation till, God forbid, they find themselves in it.

Ok, I'll give you a pass to grieve longer for your children. However, if one of your children dies and you still have children remaining, don't you owe it to them to get yourself together and still be a parent to them and be there in full capacity for them? You can't really do that if you are wallowing in despair over the lost child.

A pass??? Did you really just say that? Who the hell put you in charge of determining the appropriate time and method of grieving?
Yes, if I lost a child, as many others here have, I would be doing some serious wallowing and I wouln't be seeking anyone's permission or approval.

 

[FireDancer]

I agree with you OP that death is part of life. Dealing with family and friends dying is not pleasant but it is a part of life.

I have a lot of experience in death and tragedy but have been pretty lucky not to have had a lot of close relatives die who were not much older. I worked in the funeral industry while I was in college (not with the actual bodies, I handled shipping bodies and ashes around the globe), I do a lot of volunteer work with cancer charities and see loved ones left behind, and I grew up next to a woman who lost her husband and oldest son on the same day in a boating accident. In my experience even people hit hard by death find a way to grieve and move on with life.

I was always a curious kid and when I was about 10 I went next door to talk to the neighbor (we were pretty close to her and she had a pool so it wasn't unusual to go over there) about dealing with a dead child. I think I saw a show about it and was curious and was never afraid to ask a LOT of questions as a kid. Anyway, the point of this is that something she told me has stuck in my head. She said that of for a few days after the accident and recovery of the bodies she was terribly sad and depressed but felt is would be selfish of her to act as though she is a victim. She still had 4 other children and she is not the first parent to lose a child, won't be the last, and felt like she shouldn't act as though she was the only one. I had never heard it put like that before until I started working with the cancer charities. Similar things are said by the parents of kids who have had or died from cancer. There is sadness of course but there is this thing I can only explain as calming that I sense in them from knowing that other people have dealt with it and manged to make it through the day.

That is a bit off tangent I guess but when I say I think death is merely one part of life I don't want it to come off as cold or unfeeling.

 

[MouseketeerOvaHere]

I only read the first page, but might I make a suggestion to those who have lost someone or are about to lose someone. There is a book titled "On Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D that I had to read in med school for apatient care course. It deals with the different stages of death and helped me to realize and coupe with a lot of emotions. My mother died when I was a teenager as well, and I was extremely angry with the world. This suggestion may not be directed toward the OP as much as others, since s/he has already excepted the loss but it may help her to understand why she has moved on. I still have "days" 15 yrs later but it helped me to understand what was happening and how to deal or help others deal in a time of loss.

 

[claudia]

I only read the first page, but might I make a suggestion to those who have lost someone or are about to lose someone. There is a book titled "On Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D that I had to read in med school for apatient care course. It deals with the different stages of death and helped me to realize and coupe with a lot of emotions. My mother died when I was a teenager as well, and I was extremely angry with the world. This suggestion may not be directed toward the OP as much as others, since s/he has already excepted the loss but it may help her to understand why she has moved on. I still have "days" 15 yrs later but it helped me to understand what was happening and how to deal or help others deal in a time of loss.

I was just going to suggest to read her....all of her books are excellent and in addition to the one Mouseketeer mentioned I'd also suggest reading On Life After Death.

 

[Laura]

I also lost my mother, just before my 18th birthday. It took me about a year before I felt normal and I think I've been able to adjust very well. I don't consider myself "over" her death, but I've learned to live with it. No counseling or anything, I just thought about how my mom would want me to be happy and not dwell on the fact that she died.

Not everyone is as lucky as I and the OP are and can't handle the death of a loved one as well as we have. But I would never look down on someone who was still grieving or couldn't function properly even years later (unless they were obviously just trying to get attention and not really grieving). Everyone handles grief in his or her own way.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

Everyone handles grief differently. One way is not superior to the other, it's simply the way it is and the circumstances that surround it. I'm sad someone felt the need to criticize people now for the way they grieve on the Dis. It's a shame.

 

[Nancyg56]

I think that dealing with death and grieving loved ones are very complicated and it is impossible for anyone to tell another what is the "proper" length of time to grieve.

When I was a kid we all went to wakes and funerals, the wake was for two full days and then the funeral the day after. My Dad was Irish so the three days were way different from my Moms French Canadian side's funeral. I think that exposure helped me when I needed to deal with wakes and funerals as an adult. Or so I thought until I lost my Mom. My first husband died when I was 23 and I had three babies under the age if 5 so I would think I could get through her passing but I was lost for a long time. I got through the day but I was not really living the time, I was just getting by. Thank God my DH understood, he was devastated when his Dad passed on and he remembered that lost empty feeling so he supported me without any judgment on how I grieved or the length of time it tool me to start functioning "normally".

My DMIL buried three of her four children and has also lost her DH. If you talked to her you would think that she is fine, she behaves as though each day is the same as it was 29 years ago when my husband died and never got worse each time one of her children joined Donald. That is just surface, she is a strong woman and very practical but she will never be the same, she is just very reserved so her grief is buried under a "normal" shell.

I am not sure that anyone has the right to say which is better, someone who allows the grief to show or the next who seems to be oblivios to it and keeps all that sadness hidden. Or how about the person who goes to work the next day and is gossiped about as hard, cold or uncaring? Is it wrong to bury grief in work? I don't think so.

I realize that the OP may have been talking about people who are paralyzed when a loved one passes, I have a cousin who has been living in a coma soince her Mom died, but I wonder why anyone would question another's grieving process. If you know someone whose life has been shattered by a death better to try to help than to judge that persons now painful reality.

 

[C.Ann]

Am I a cold, callous person to think that death is part of life and when it happens to someone in your life that you can grieve and feel sad but you have to accept it, deal with it, and get on with your life?

Before you say "Well, you've just never lost someone close to you", my mother died when I was 17 and yes, it was very sad. There are many things in my life I wish she had been around for. But I grieved, I got over it, and got on with my life. 2 months after she died I went to college and have marched through life ever since.

I just don't see the point of having your life and joy come to a screeching halt indefinitely because someone died. The fact is that EVERYONE is going to die sometime. It's part of being a human.

Cold and callous? No - not at all.. But on the other hand, it's not your place to tell someone else how they should grieve or when they should stop grieving.. It would be so easy if grief had a definite time line, but unfortunately it doesn't.. Some people recover quickly; some don't; and some never do.. It's such a personal experience - there's just no fair way for anyone else to even attempt to judge the person who is grieving..

As for life and joy coming to a screeching halt - I have never really known that to happen to anyone - including myself.. My DH passed away in 2005 - a year and a half later, my youngest brother was suddenly killed in an accident on his way to work - and just this past November, one of my dearest friends died suddenly.. I have struggled with enormous grief over the loss of all of them - but never has my life or my joy come to a "screeching halt".. It's been a mixture of good times and bad times - happy times and sad times - joyful occasions and sorrowful occasions.. There have been bouts with depression and other times when I have functioned at the same capacity or better than I did prior to these deaths.. People say that as time goes on, it gets "better".. What I have found to be the truth is that as time goes on, it becomes "ordinary".. Those people are gone forever - therefore the "loss" can never go away.. It's there every single day - as sure as the sun rises and the sun sets.. How one chooses to deal with it is strictly up to them and I would never presume to tell anyone "it's time to get over it and move on".. Believe me - they will.. But it will be in their own time - not some imaginary time frame.. If you are dealing with someone who is grieving, the greatest gift you can give them is patience.. Is that really too much to ask?

 

[KAMKIM]

I dont think you are cold at all and seem to be able to look at death from a very logical view point. However, why do you think when people lose a loved one and their life comes to a halt - it is a choice?

When someone dies at an old age and have lived a full life...its easier to accept and "move on" that is the circle of life.

when someone loses a dear friend, spouse, or heaven forbid a child....I dont see how you can just "move on"

 

[KAMKIM]

Ok, I'll give you a pass to grieve longer for your children. However, if one of your children dies and you still have children remaining, don't you owe it to them to get yourself together and still be a parent to them and be there in full capacity for them? You can't really do that if you are wallowing in despair over the lost child.

Why would you say, I'll give you a pass to grieve longer for your children??

I have two children, I cannot imagine wanting to breath after losing either one of them. I cant imagine it, I cant think about it.

 

[Arielle22]

OP,

I share your attitude. I grieve for a short time and then resume living. I have also been accused of being cold hearted.

My dad died when I was 17 (and still had 3 younger siblings for my mom to raise) and my mom died when I was 30. My dad and his father actually died within 24 hrs of each other of unrelated causes so we had a double wake and funeral. My grandparents and aunts and uncles have also died.

I have had a friend's newborn die and the same friend's brother die of cancer when we were young. Within the past 10 yrs the father of the friend also committed suicide (the day before a son's wedding).

While I remember my parents at various times, I do not grieve for them. I feel they are in a better place together.

When my aunt died, her sister tried to climb onto the casket at the gravesite. I (along with a sibling) had to pull her away from the grave. From the stories I heard from other family members she would do that at every funeral.