Death is part of life....

[Robinrs]

Am I a cold, callous person to think that death is part of life and when it happens to someone in your life that you can grieve and feel sad but you have to accept it, deal with it, and get on with your life?

Before you say "Well, you've just never lost someone close to you", my mother died when I was 17 and yes, it was very sad. There are many things in my life I wish she had been around for. But I grieved, I got over it, and got on with my life. 2 months after she died I went to college and have marched through life ever since.

I just don't see the point of having your life and joy come to a screeching halt indefinitely because someone died. The fact is that EVERYONE is going to die sometime. It's part of being a human.

There is no wrong or right when it comes to grieving. It's as individual as a fingerprint.

I was a grief counselor for 19 years. I never saw two people grieve the same way. You're not callous or cold, you've learned to survive. It's also a part of life.

I remember someone telling me that I was EVIL because I went back to work after burying my child. In her world I should be as angry and sad as she was forever. That was 23 years ago and I still mourn my child, but not in the same way. Everyone is different.

 

[GRUMPY PIRATE]

WHAT, NOBODY saw the Lion King?

okay. no flames.

Having had to attend funerals of family members, friends, and co-workers over the years, I understand that people grieve a lot differently than myself, but it dosn't make my sense of loss any less important.

The loss of anyone can hurt, but you do have to deal with it and move on.

Some people cannot take a loss to the point of becoming dysfunctional and very much in need of professional help. I hope people that fall into that catagory would seek help so that they can continue with their life.

 

[ORMom2Four]

Ok, I'll give you a pass to grieve longer for your children. However, if one of your children dies and you still have children remaining, don't you owe it to them to get yourself together and still be a parent to them and be there in full capacity for them? You can't really do that if you are wallowing in despair over the lost child.

Absolutely, but you will forever be changed. It makes you look at things, well, nearly everything differently when your child dies, but you do go on. You have to, especially if you have other children. You take the other kids to the park. You play with them and laugh together. You do find joy again, but there are those moments that take your breath away, things that remind you of what happened, of the child you lost. Those are the moments when you know that your heart has been hurt and hurt deeply.

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

As some have already stated, everyone grieves differently. There are so many variables that should be taken into consideration - how the death occurred, when the death occurred, if it was sudden or if there was time to say goodbye, to name a few. This is why I do not believe a "standard" grieving process should even be mentioned. There simply is no standard.

My dad died on my 18th birthday. Here it is, almost 3 years later, and I can honestly say it feels like it's been 3 months. Yes, I survived. I still managed to graduate high school summa cum laude, and am currently enrolled in my third year of college. I got through it, as I believe everyone should. But I most certainly have not gotten over it.

Every birthday is bittersweet. This November, I am turning 21. My mom is taking me to Las Vegas for a long weekend - my dad had been talking about doing this since I was about 10. I know we'll have a wonderful time together. I also know that thoughts of my dad will be in both of our minds all weekend - both the memory of his death on my birthday, and the fact that he should be celebrating with us on the trip that he himself had planned.

I'm moving forward every day. I'm making decisions and building a life that I know would make him proud. I am definitely not "over" it. Truthfully, I don't believe I ever will be. Some days are easier than others. But today, I'm happy; that's good enough for me.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

When my oldest dd was born she almost died many times. That changed me forever. I view days I have with people as a bonus.

I would not call it cold or callous, just different.

 

[starann]

I was a mother who lost a child. I had no other living children at the time. It took me 2 years to get thru the depression. Many people tried to tell me how to grieve, as if I could just say "Oh, ok because YOU think I should, I will move one with my life....my dreams and hopes for that child were lost with him, but since you have told me to move on, I will" I managed to get thru it, but in my own time and on my own terms. Did I let it stop my life for those 2 years...no, but I barely functioned. I became a shell of the person I once was, a robot who when thru the motions but never felt them.

Grieving is a personal thing, just like anything the relationships of those we lose. Who am I to tell someone they should be over it by now or that they are dwelling on their loss too much?

 

[alizesmom]

Every person grieves differently. My mom died 10 years ago and still I will think, "I'll call Mom and tell her". That catches me up for a moment and then I go on. Much more recently and infinitely harder, my 6yr old son died in July. I will miss him forever (or until I see him again with God). This said, you go on. To curl up and die myself would be to deny all the beauty and joy that he was. I have not grieved the way many would expect but I guarantee that my sorrow is no less for that.

 

[Disney-Kim]

I think all people grieve differently and we are different in ways...but I don't get the OP's view at all....it tells me IMHO (no flames) that they don't understand how devastating loss can be.
I have read that grief is an 8 yr process before you come to a point where you are celebrating your time with that person instead of mourning the loss of time with that person. well I am on 1 yr 8 months and 8 yrs sounds terribly long but then so does my whole existence left on this Earth without that person.

Losing a parent/grandparent is not the same as losing a child or sibling. Especially when its unexpected. My parents have not moved past it, it has literally destroyed them....and no they dont' look past it to focus on us (their children who are still here). Yes we are all adult children...but still my Mom's babies and that will never change. My Mom lost her baby and you can't judge how people grieve....he life is consumed by it and it did change all of us in a huge way. We will never be the same after this loss.

Yes...we go on...one day at a time...and we live life as best we can. (my Dsis and I do...but not my parents). they are stuck in that in between place...living but lost too.....

I have to say that I never imagined that anything could hurt as bad as this has. time does not make anythign better...that is a myth...it just makes it easier to cope. and that is what we do...cope.....

and no we are all not walking around morose and depressing...you as the outside world would never know the pain/grief that I live with every day of my life because I do go on and try to live life to the fullest. I hide my tears from you...but they are always there. Some days are better than others...thats all I can say. I try every day to not let it overpower and control my life. Every day of my life I think of my Brother and how much I miss him. This just doesn't go away. There are sooo many things that remind me of him...you can't escape it...memories are always there...and some days you cry and some days you put it away. My Sister and I call it "putting it in a box". We are able to put it in the box most days but sometimes it comes exploding out and you can control it and you just have to let the grief wash over you and cry it out. But these are moments that are mainly private...we still work, play, live in the mean time.

But I am 42....my parents...they are 63 and 71...they are at a different place in their life. They lost their baby son and they will never be the same. You just can't judge them for that

 

[Pigeon]

I tend to think along the same lines as the OP in that death is part of life.

My SIL's father passed away recently at the age of 89, after a year of being fairly sick with a heart condition. Other than the terminal illness, the guy had lived a fabulous life. He was a great guy, full of laughter, did a great deal for others, raised a family who adored him, etc.

A few months later, SIL was going on and on about how his death was such a terrible tragedy. Sad, I'll agree. A tragedy, I'm not seeing it. A tragedy to me is when a teenager keeled over from an undiagnosed heart problem in dh's class. Or when the mother of small children is struck by a car. But at the end of a long life well lived? No, that I don't get.

But everybody gets to do their own mourning in their own way.

 

[Disney-Kim]

I was a mother who lost a child. I had no other living children at the time. It took me 2 years to get thru the depression. Many people tried to tell me how to grieve, as if I could just say "Oh, ok because YOU think I should, I will move one with my life....my dreams and hopes for that child were lost with him, but since you have told me to move on, I will" I managed to get thru it, but in my own time and on my own terms. Did I let it stop my life for those 2 years...no, but I barely functioned. I became a shell of the person I once was, a robot who when thru the motions but never felt them.

Grieving is a personal thing, just like anything the relationships of those we lose. Who am I to tell someone they should be over it by now or that they are dwelling on their loss too much?

Christopher was my brother's name

 

[Angelhalo]

I think the problem is a lot of families never talk about death.

Here on the DIS I have seen many posters who do not take children to wakes/funerals.

Death was always treated matter of factly in our household. Nobody "went to sleep" or "went to be with angels" - they died. It is sad, we can cry, we can talk about it, but we recover.

There is a time for grief but you cannot let your grief take over your life - otherwise you might as well be dead too.

If I die tomorrow, I want my husband to mourn for a bit, but then continue his life. Not to gnash his teeth and cry all the time.

We went to funerals as children so that we could say goodbye to those who had gone to be with the angels. Actually at 30 years old, I still do this, because it is my belief.

 

[JarethDrakul]

Am I a cold, callous person to think that death is part of life and when it happens to someone in your life that you can grieve and feel sad but you have to accept it, deal with it, and get on with your life?

Before you say "Well, you've just never lost someone close to you", my mother died when I was 17 and yes, it was very sad. There are many things in my life I wish she had been around for. But I grieved, I got over it, and got on with my life. 2 months after she died I went to college and have marched through life ever since.

I just don't see the point of having your life and joy come to a screeching halt indefinitely because someone died. The fact is that EVERYONE is going to die sometime. It's part of being a human.

If your a cold person I would have to be one too as I'm the same. While I admit it is a saddening thought to think everything will eventually die, worrying or grieving over it to long won't change or make things better. Alot of friends get annoyed at me because I don't see death as a taboo subject to talk about (but my friends fear death while I can happily say I know I'm going to die and the only thing I wonder is if it hurts but other then that it doesn't bother me).

then a song I was oddly enough listening to when I noticed this topic lyrics say:
"The clock is ticking,
'til the point of no return,
It'll keep on ticking,
'til the day you crash and burn"
and in the video people have numbers on their heads and the digits are going back (representing the fact we will all die).

 

[Pikester]

Am I a cold, callous person to think that death is part of life and when it happens to someone in your life that you can grieve and feel sad but you have to accept it, deal with it, and get on with your life?

Before you say "Well, you've just never lost someone close to you", my mother died when I was 17 and yes, it was very sad. There are many things in my life I wish she had been around for. But I grieved, I got over it, and got on with my life. 2 months after she died I went to college and have marched through life ever since.

I just don't see the point of having your life and joy come to a screeching halt indefinitely because someone died. The fact is that EVERYONE is going to die sometime. It's part of being a human.

You are right. Doesn't mean I have to like it.

 

[luvsJack]

I think there is a difference between having moments of sadness and rememberance, some of which can move you to tears, and becoming paralyzed after the death of someone. I think that might be what the OP is referring to.

And I have known people who have, quite literally, stopped living when their loved one died. My friend's MIL kept all of her late husband's belongings exactly as they were the day he died, and when I met the woman, her husband had been dead probably 20 years, as he died quite young, in his ealry 50's, of a heart attack...aftershave and toothbrush still in the bathroom, all the clothes in the closet, and she would "pretend" that he was coming home. It was a little creepy and quite sad. Frankly, I would not want my husband to do that if I died. I'd want him to mourn, I'd want him to move on and keep fond, loving memories of me & our life together. I hope he'd find a nice woman to share his life with who would love him and care for him and be good to him and not use him, and perhaps allow him to remember me occasionally...

I wonder if people that cannot move on after a death, just don't know how. They just don't know what to do now.

My mom is a very strong person. She has lost her husband, her son and a grandson but has managed to be there for the rest of us. There was no question of her dealing with the grief and moving on. No one had to make suggestions or anything, she just moved forward.

In comparison, my sil had no clue what to do. She and my brother had been together since they were 13. Every thing she had done for most of her life had been for him or with her thinking of him. She just didn't know what to do after he was gone.

 

[jobhunter]

If this post is in response to another on here about someone who is dealing with this kind of issue...well, honestly I do think that is in poor taste to do it right at the same time.

Did you know there is a psychological disorder called complicated grief?
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/complicated-grief/DS01023

It's not necessarily just your outlook or your healthy attitude that allows you to deal with it this way. Kind of like the way people can't just snap out of bipolar disease or chronic depression.

 

[dislal]

I know we are not allowed to talk about religion, but I just wander how many people who have an easier time dealing with death are religious?

I have lost quite a few close people (Dad, nephew, very close cousin, grandparents) in my life and I know that I will be reunited with them again, so even though their deaths were hard on me I was able to move on.

 

[rparmfamily]

I thinking losing a child is very unlike losing someone else, like a parent, who has lived the majority of their life.

I have a friend who just lost a 3 mo old grandbaby 2 weeks ago. The mom was in accident and got out of the car and was getting the baby out when she was hit from behind. She had the baby ripped from her arms and watched her 3 mo old be killed. THAT is the kind of pain and tragedy that would probably mess me up for a longtime. That is not "part of life". It would make me want to die. (and I have a 3 mo old right now and other kids too.)

 

[Aisling]

It's not necessarily just your outlook or your healthy attitude that allows you to deal with it this way. Kind of like the way people can't just snap out of bipolar disease or chronic depression.

I agree with this. Some people just can't get over their grief. Telling them to get on with life, your loved one wouldn't want you to live this way, death is a part of life, etc. isn't helpful at all in some people, and may even make it worse for them by showing that their alone in their grief.

Go easy on them, don't judge them, try to be more compassionate.

 

[AlaskaMOM]

Ok, I'll give you a pass to grieve longer for your children. However, if one of your children dies and you still have children remaining, don't you owe it to them to get yourself together and still be a parent to them and be there in full capacity for them? You can't really do that if you are wallowing in despair over the lost child.

I'm so glad that you're allowing us that have lost children to grieve longer. What a relief!

Actually 26 days ago I might have had similar ideas, as in your 1st post. (everyone has to die it's part of life; be sad for a few weeks then go back to your life)
You not only grieve for the person you grieve for the part of yourself that you lose. Death of a child changes you, you are no longer the same person! It will never be the same life!
You can not put a time limit on grief.

My son had just turned 19 Aug 3 and was killed Aug 6. He was just taking a drive to Anchorage to play and have fun with his friend (who also was killed) and his girlfriend who is pregnant with his child.

I grieve for the child who will never know her dad. I grieve for a young girl who has to go through childbirth w/o the one she loves by her side. I grieve for my DH who is so sad, but is trying to be strong for the rest of us. I grieve for my older DD who couldn't come home to say her goodbyes with the rest of the family because she was too far along in her own pregnancy (grandson born Aug 21). I grieve for my younger son who just started High School and is so afraid of what people are (or might be) saying. I grieve for myself and miss him so much.

I still get up in the morning. I have been back to work for 2 weeks. I am still talking and chatting with co-workers and students. (although the joy is missing) I still talk and hang out with younger DS. And per the suggestion of a counselor, I did start to do some baking, and sewing. (the sad thing is I still have cookies in the cookie jar, and if Aj was here they would have been gone in 2-3 days: and as Mom I would have lectured them for being piggies, now I wish the cookies were gone)
But I still have moments where I "wallow in despair" daily I have moments where a memory will start the tears flowing. Yesterday I actually broke down for hours after organizing AJ's boyhood treasures into plastic crates (so they are safe for years, when his daughter may want to have objects to touch and feel that were her dads).


I don't know what prompted the original post, if you actually know someone who is wallowing in despair w/o any moments of moving on, then they should be getting some professional help.

 

[CathrynRose]

Even with all that being true, I still go through my day to day life. Its not that I haven't gotten on with my life, but the memory of their deaths will always make me cry. I still have continued through the past 11 years, doing all the things I would have done, not really missing a beat. I just tend to avoid those things that bring too much emotion rushing back. I can talk with family for hours about their lives and laugh at things we remember them doing or saying--but remembering the time of their deaths is still very hard.

Everyone handles death and grief differently.

Thank you.

I can still remember having to tell my then 11 & 14 year old boys, that their Grandma, my mom, their "2nd Mom"- had died. I can still see their faces. Absolutely horrified. It was terrible.

I'm glad you're a tough cookie about the whole thing.