Death is part of life....

[DizBelle]

Am I a cold, callous person to think that death is part of life and when it happens to someone in your life that you can grieve and feel sad but you have to accept it, deal with it, and get on with your life?

Before you say "Well, you've just never lost someone close to you", my mother died when I was 17 and yes, it was very sad. There are many things in my life I wish she had been around for. But I grieved, I got over it, and got on with my life. 2 months after she died I went to college and have marched through life ever since.

I just don't see the point of having your life and joy come to a screeching halt indefinitely because someone died. The fact is that EVERYONE is going to die sometime. It's part of being a human.

 

[HunnyPots]

I can agree with you up to a point. I can deal with the deaths of friends and family members, as long as we're not talking about one of my children. Because I can tell you right now, if something happened to one of them, you may as well bury me with them because there would be no going on without either of them.

 

[autumnpalm]

I kind of wish I was more like that. It would definitely make life easier! But I am definitely one of those people who is hit hard by death. I honestly don't know what I am going to do when I lose my parents. I can't even fathom it. I feel sick to my stomach even trying to imagine it... I know I am going to have a very difficult time when they do die. I have lost friends over the years and still have trouble thinking of them without tears coming to my eyes. I'm a pretty emotional person and sometimes that has its positives and negatives!

 

[DizBelle]

Believe it or not, I'm pretty emotional as well. I cry at the end of Disney's Huchback of Notre Dame EVERY TIME I watch it.

 

[disney1990]

Am I a cold, callous person to think that death is part of life and when it happens to someone in your life that you can grieve and feel sad but you have to accept it, deal with it, and get on with your life?

Before you say "Well, you've just never lost someone close to you", my mother died when I was 17 and yes, it was very sad. There are many things in my life I wish she had been around for. But I grieved, I got over it, and got on with my life. 2 months after she died I went to college and have marched through life ever since.

I just don't see the point of having your life and joy come to a screeching halt indefinitely because someone died. The fact is that EVERYONE is going to die sometime. It's part of being a human.

WOW!!!!

Glad you were able to deal with it so easily. That doesn't happen for most people.

 

[golfgal]

I can agree with you up to a point. I can deal with the deaths of friends and family members, as long as we're not talking about one of my children. Because I can tell you right now, if something happened to one of them, you may as well bury me with them because there would be no going on without either of them.

So if one of your children die, you will just go with that child and leave you other child without a mother?

I agree with the OP, yes, death is sad, yes we miss people, yes, we have to move on. I dread having something happen to my kids but if something happened to one of them I can't imagine not being around for the other two.

 

[DizBelle]

I can agree with you up to a point. I can deal with the deaths of friends and family members, as long as we're not talking about one of my children. Because I can tell you right now, if something happened to one of them, you may as well bury me with them because there would be no going on without either of them.

Ok, I'll give you a pass to grieve longer for your children. However, if one of your children dies and you still have children remaining, don't you owe it to them to get yourself together and still be a parent to them and be there in full capacity for them? You can't really do that if you are wallowing in despair over the lost child.

 

[autumnpalm]

Believe it or not, I'm pretty emotional as well. I cry at the end of Disney's Huchback of Notre Dame EVERY TIME I watch it.

The funny thing is, I very very rarely cry at movies! Apparently we are emotion opposites!

 

[diznygirl]

Not all people are the same. I suppose that's what makes this world so darn complicated. I hope you at least have some compassion for those of us who have had their lives come to a screeching halt, even if you don't understand it.

 

[Liberty Belle]

The point? I don't think it comes down to that. I think people experience grief differently and everyone copes how they're able. It's not like we think, "oh, what's the point? I guess it would be more efficient if I were happy now."

 

[DizBelle]

Not all people are the same. I suppose that's what makes this world so darn complicated. I hope you at least have some compassion for those of us who have had their lives come to a screeching halt, even if you don't understand it.

Yes, I do. People grieve in different ways and I can appreciate that. And it sure does make things so darn complicated. I guess my point is that you have to eventually get on with life. Would the person who died want you to lose so much of your own life wrapping yourself up in their death? I certainly wouldn't.

I guess I just want folks to recognize that just because some get on with their lives after the death of a loved one doesn't mean they are not mourning the loss or aren't sad about it. Some recognize it for what it is. It's a part of being a human being.

 

[luvsJack]

11 years ago my beloved Daddy and brother died exactly a month to the day apart. I still cry when something reminds me too closely of that time, I can't hear Taps even on TV (played at Daddy's funeral) and refuse to attend a military funeral. Sometimes I cannot watch Andy Griffith reruns because he reminds me so much of my dad.

Even with all that being true, I still go through my day to day life. Its not that I haven't gotten on with my life, but the memory of their deaths will always make me cry. I still have continued through the past 11 years, doing all the things I would have done, not really missing a beat. I just tend to avoid those things that bring too much emotion rushing back. I can talk with family for hours about their lives and laugh at things we remember them doing or saying--but remembering the time of their deaths is still very hard.

Everyone handles death and grief differently.

 

[golfgal]

11 years ago my beloved Daddy and brother died exactly a month to the day apart. I still cry when something reminds me too closely of that time, I can't hear Taps even on TV (played at Daddy's funeral) and refuse to attend a military funeral. Sometimes I cannot watch Andy Griffith reruns because he reminds me so much of my dad.

Even with all that being true, I still go through my day to day life. Its not that I haven't gotten on with my life, but the memory of their deaths will always make me cry. I still have continued through the past 11 years, doing all the things I would have done, not really missing a beat. I just tend to avoid those things that bring too much emotion rushing back. I can talk with family for hours about their lives and laugh at things we remember them doing or saying--but remembering the time of their deaths is still very hard.

Everyone handles death and grief differently.

I still get sad when I think about some people that I have lost. That isn't what the op is talking about. Some people just stop living and the death of the loved one consumes them. It is normal to be sad and miss those we have lost, even years later but to focus on that sadness is different.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

I think there are many factors that go into how people deal with death.

I had friends that were killed on September 11th and it gets more difficult every year. I live my life the rest of the time but come Sept.9th you think about where they would be and the day itself is very emotional for me and like I said it gets worse every year.

Now my Great Grandmothers whom I had the pleasure of knowing till I was 12 and then 21. They were in their 80's and 90's sure I was sad when they died but they lived full lives and went on to a happier place and watch over me now.

My best friends father, who got diagnosed with Luekemia in June of this year he was 56, needed a bone marrow transplant. Well I went to his Memorial Service on Saturday. That was really hard. He died too young, he had so much more to give.

Like I said its different for everyone but I wouldn't begrudge someone else if they had more trouble than I did when dealing with death.

Also if a son or daughter dies in War.....................that is something you just don't get over. You may move on but you'll never be the same.

 

[luvsJack]

I still get sad when I think about some people that I have lost. That isn't what the op is talking about. Some people just stop living and the death of the loved one consumes them. It is normal to be sad and miss those we have lost, even years later but to focus on that sadness is different.

My sil did that. She was so dependent on my brother that she almost stopped living after he died. I almost understand it though. They were high school sweethearts, married as teens and had children very young. They basically grew up together and learned eveything about life together. She just isn't a strong person emtionally and his death took so much out of her. Since then she has also lost her oldest son, who sort of took over as head of the family. Between losing a child and that child being someone she is so dependent on, she is really giving up.

And to be clear, I posted about my own grief because I know that there are those who think I should be able to "get over it". I don't let their deaths consume me; but there will always be things that I absolutely will not do because of their deaths (like attending a military funeral). I have family members who have commented that I have to get over it and go when necessary. I just don't think I will ever be able to do that.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

I think the problem is a lot of families never talk about death.

Here on the DIS I have seen many posters who do not take children to wakes/funerals.

Death was always treated matter of factly in our household. Nobody "went to sleep" or "went to be with angels" - they died. It is sad, we can cry, we can talk about it, but we recover.

There is a time for grief but you cannot let your grief take over your life - otherwise you might as well be dead too.

If I die tomorrow, I want my husband to mourn for a bit, but then continue his life. Not to gnash his teeth and cry all the time.

 

[bumbershoot]

I just don't see the point of having your life and joy come to a screeching halt indefinitely because someone died. The fact is that EVERYONE is going to die sometime. It's part of being a human.

So, describe this. Is someone in your life having this problem? Are you sure that that is the problem? Have you talked gently with them about it? Do you want to help? Is it your business?


I haven't met anyone like you've described, though my MIL is close. But her problem is that she wasted 40+ years of her life with an abusive man, and had her whole identity wrapped up in looking the other way, in accepting expensive jewelry every time she found out about a new other woman, in believing the lie she HAD TO KNOW was being told about money and everything related to money...that now that he's gone, left her with NO life insurance and 50K worth of debt to the IRS, no life insurance b/c he forged her signature to borrow almost all the value in it (we found his files of practice signatures), now I think she's throwing herself into what a fabulous man he was, in order to avoid the realization that he wasn't worth all of that, and to move on would mean she has to realize that. She won't even sell the stupid jewelry to pay the debt all at once....sigh.

But other than her, I don't know anyone just like you describe.



You were an older child when your mom died. Those that I've known who lost their parents as children do seem to take it differently. It might be that the brain is still so malleable that you just take it in and go on, and it's MUCH different than what it would be like if the parent died later. I have a friend who lost both his parents inside 10 years of each other...mom as a teen, dad in his 20s, and he talked about his parents VERY differently than I did, as I dealt with the sudden death of my mom when I was 30 and she was 55.

So that might be a difference. If you lost your other parent now, you might have a very different reaction.

I have quite obviously moved on with my life, though I still grieve. I advanced in a job, I met my now husband, I had a kidlet, my relationships with relatives has drastically changed, etc etc etc. But...just last night I was watching TV and burst into tears at the Sally Field Boniva commercial, b/c she reminds me of my mom (didn't look a thing like her other than their size, but they were similar ages and Smokey and the Bandit was a HUGE fave at my house, LOL) and I wish my mom were alive. It's been almost 10 years (which causes a pain just to think about), but that still happens.

So just be careful about who you are judging to not have moved on...it might not be reality; you might just be seeing it through your filters...if you don't want the easily sad people to see your way of grieving through their filters negatively, don't do it to others.


I'm sorry your lost your mom so young.

 

[missypie]

I actually feel sorry for those who do not grieve in the "normal" way. In several cases where children have been murdered, a parent has become the prime suspect because the parent isn't grieving the way most of us do.

I remember that one of the things that made police think that Darlie Routier killed her sons is that shortly after the deaths, it was one of their birthdays and Darlie went to the cemetary and had a "birthday party" complete with Silly String. Yes, it was bizarre behavior, but what if grief was making her act weirdly? Maybe the cops know best, but I pity those who are super-stoic, because I think lots of people judge them harshly.

 

[doxdogy]

I honestly understand what the OP is saying. I was raised that death is indeed a part of life and we all die one day. But I have to admit that my dad's death knocked me for a loop. Mainly because it was not expected, he was in fairly good health for his age and partly because I was the only sibling living here and a lot of the decisions were left up to me to make. Whenever I find myself brooding about it, I hear his voice in my head telling me to get over it and move on with life.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think there is a difference between having moments of sadness and rememberance, some of which can move you to tears, and becoming paralyzed after the death of someone. I think that might be what the OP is referring to.

And I have known people who have, quite literally, stopped living when their loved one died. My friend's MIL kept all of her late husband's belongings exactly as they were the day he died, and when I met the woman, her husband had been dead probably 20 years, as he died quite young, in his ealry 50's, of a heart attack...aftershave and toothbrush still in the bathroom, all the clothes in the closet, and she would "pretend" that he was coming home. It was a little creepy and quite sad. Frankly, I would not want my husband to do that if I died. I'd want him to mourn, I'd want him to move on and keep fond, loving memories of me & our life together. I hope he'd find a nice woman to share his life with who would love him and care for him and be good to him and not use him, and perhaps allow him to remember me occasionally...