Dear Abby today - social obligations, guests must reciprocate?

[tzolkin]

What we are addressing is the idea that every time you accept an invitation, you are obligating yourself to hosting another event of some sort to "pay back" whomever invited you.

I understand the general concept of reciprocating so others aren't taking advantage of the one person that hosts, but I agree with you.

We have several friends that do not have children. We almost exclusively see them at our home. We have three small children. It is much easier for us to be in our own home. Our kids go to bed fairly early and then we can visit with our friends without having to worry about finding someone to watch the kids and getting home at a certain time. I like to cook, so the entertaining aspect doesn't bother me at all. Several of our friends are a bit of a drive, so they even stay over (especially in the winter or if they want to have a few drinks). Honestly, it would be a pain and we would often have to decline if they invited us to their homes every time they came to ours. I would say we maybe go out to dinner or something with a couple for every four or so times they come to our home.

 

[pearlieq]

I have one friend who loves to entertain. She would be heartbroken if I started declining invitations because we weren't "even." She keeps having parties and there's no way I can keep up, nor could she keep up with attending all the invitations she would receive.

There are always outliers. I still think what Abby says stands as a general rule, but of course she can't explain every single proviso, exception, and qualifier out there. There just aren't enough column inches.

Some people love to do things more than usual. If someone's greatest joy is entertaining as much as possible, of course their friends couldn't be expected to keep up one for one. The general rule still applies, though, that they should reciprocate as much as is practical for them.

I accepted an invitation this weekend to a party thrown by a couple we don't normally socialize with. Honestly, I can't see myself planning an event or an occasion just to pay them back. I don't have any parties planned any time soon and my social calendar is fairly booked. When I accepted, I thought nothing beyond - "that sounds fun."

I think we're better off if we do think beyond "that sounds fun". Of course that's a normal reaction, but it's only thinking about one's self, not considering other people's feelings.

I think it's important to take it one step further and consider our responsibilities to others. If you partake of someone's hospitality--the time, money, and effort they expend on your behalf--without any intention of ever paying it back I think it's taking advantage.

You don't have to throw a gala feast in their honor--just send them an invite to your next party (even if it's next summer) or see if the hostess wants to meet up for coffee someday. If you're not interested in even doing that much, what would be the appeal of going to their party?

 

[clh2]

[

I agree - I find the new Abby to have odd advice as well.

I had a different take on the couple being "ignored" in their social circle. This couple is in their 80's, my guess is their friends are also in this same age bracket. When my grandparents where in their 80's they had left the town they had lived in for 50 years, so they were closer to my parents, in case they needed help quickly. While they did occasionally get back to see friends, the older they got, the less they went back (which was a good thing) Plus I'm willing to bet that some of their friends have lost spouses, and it is harder for a widower to make the first call - to invite someone out to dinner, or to entertain, and have a party.

 

[disykat]

I think we're better off if we do think beyond "that sounds fun". Of course that's a normal reaction, but it's only thinking about one's self, not considering other people's feelings.

I think it's important to take it one step further and consider our responsibilities to others. If you partake of someone's hospitality--the time, money, and effort they expend on your behalf--without any intention of ever paying it back I think it's taking advantage.

I so totally disagree. I think the upshot of this is I'll be thinking twice before accepting invitations from or inviting anyone to my home that I'm not close enough to to know they don't feel this way. I would hate to be considered an obligation! When I invite someone to my home I want them to only think "that sounds fun" not that they are obligating themselves to reciprocating.

When I posted this, I honestly thought Abby was so outrageous that everyone would agree with me she was nuts!

 

[busyshrew]

This is an interesting thread.

I think social situations & relationships need to be fair, but the word "fair", to me, doesn't mean an exact tit-for-tat on every invitation. If I get an invite to a big bash with tons of people, then I bring a few bottles of wine for the hostess and I don't feel obligated to do much more. However, if DH & I are the only guests to a dinner in someone's home (with all the hard work & expense that usually entails), then I would want to show my appreciation and desire to continue the friendship by expending a similar degree of effort.

DH and I love to cook big, homemade meals, and we often have friends over. We have a reputation for providing good food and lots of it. Do our friends all invite us to their homes for dinner? Heck no!! Half of my girlfriends just don't cook. But, I have been the recipient of many thoughtful gifts & favours in return - homemade quilts, hand-sewn bags, free babysitting(!), little hard-to-find items. And I appreciate the effort that went into those gifts, and I feel that the friendships are balanced and fair.

I agree with some of the previous posters. To accept an invitation without appropriate reciprocation of effort is rude. That type of guest I might invite over once.... but only once.

 

[smidgy]

not only do I agree with not caring for the "new" dear abby, has anyone read "Ask Lakas" in the Reader's Digest?
her answers are so simplistic, obvious, and no help whatsoever. I can't be leive she gets paid for that!

ps... OP.. I agree with you.an invite is an invite, not an obligation. just as a gift is a gift.

 

[aprilgail2]

If I have a party and invite 15 friends I would hate to think that they would then throw a party and invite me just because I invited them--I just don't have room on my calendar to be adding in 15 parties to go to just because I threw one and invited all those people!

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

We do not live our lives by some "quid pro quo" protocol. We have friends. We do things with our friends. We host more because we can afford to. We have no expectations of our friends other than that they be our friends.

Life is pretty simple - but only if you don't complicate it...

 

[KramBerries]

Every year, we host four dinner parties. One is for members of our church. One is for members of our PTO. One is for neighbors. One is for our suppliers and customers. Each party includes about 100 guests. The problem is that all of them read Dear Abby and feel obligated to return the invitations. Sadly, we only have 365 days in a year, so we have to turn down many of their invitations. This leaves them feeling rejected and resentful. To be polite, we are going to start excluding people from our parties until we get to where we can precisely balance our invitations with our ability to attend their parties. Being polite is so complicated.

 

[FayeW]

I understand where she is coming from, because I have been frustrated and hurt by the lack of effort that one particular couple puts forth in maintaining our friendship. We have often invited their family to holiday dinners, etc and they never, ever, invite ANYONE over to their house. When we see them at their house, it's because we have invited ourselves, which they are perfectly fine with.

I spoke to another friend about it, thinking I was missing something and that they just didn't want to hang out with us, but that is not the case at all...they are exactly the same with all of us. They have a very relaxed and casual way of life and prefer if people just "stop in". The wife is very intimidated about cooking for a group or preparing for a "party", so they simply don't do it. If we are there in the afternoon they will say "hey, stay for supper" and it is no big deal but she definitely has guest stress if she thinks ahead to invite somebody to dinner! I have actually called and said "Can we come over for a while" and then brought a pork roast in a crock pot to make pulled pork sandwiches. I thought if I was going to invite myself at meal time the least I could do was bring something to eat! (They were not the least bit offended and loved it. They have actually said to other friends, while explaining that they "don't invite people" to just do what Faye does, call and say "we're coming over!")

We just invited ourselves over on New Year's Day evening. We were going to have some friends over (one other family) and called to invite the other friends. They had people "stopping by" so I invited them for another day. Turned out all the kids had hockey on the day I suggested, so I called back and said "I know so and so are coming over, but we would love to see you over the holidays...can we stop by?" The answer was "of course, bring the whole family!" I said "Great, The B Family were going to come here, but now they will probably come to your house too!"

So, the result was we had a wonderful, impromptu party with several friends who we absolutely adore. Of course, being small town Canadians much beer was consumed, and it ended with the host hugging and kissing us all, waving good by on the front steps and calling out how much he loved us!

If I was worried about Dear Abby, I would have cut these people out of our social circle years ago because they didn't reciprocate invitiations. I will admit to being a little miffed, thinking that they were trying to tell us something, but I still keep inviting them because I know it is not just us, and we really always have a great time with these friends and enjoy their company. We would have missed out on a lot! (BTW...these are the only friends that I feel comfortable enough to do this with...show up in my sweats with a crock pot under my arm!)