"Dear Abby", bad advice debate?

[disykat]

Although I think the testing may be a mistake, I believe Abby's point may be a some time the genetic information may be useful to the son. When the son gets married and wants to start a family, if he lacked knowlege of his true "genetic" identity, specific genetic screenings may be missed becasue he believes he does not have risk factors. Family history and heritage strongly determine if genetic testing is needed.

I think Abby's point had nothing to do with the son at all. It was that she couldn't go on record making up a statement that "DNA testing is bad for you", etc. because it might prevent people from getting that testing when there are valid reasons to do so.

 

[DawnCt1]

I think Abby's point had nothing to do with the son at all. It was that she couldn't go on record making up a statement that "DNA testing is bad for you", etc. because it might prevent people from getting that testing when there are valid reasons to do so.

I think she was just addressing the issue of paternity testing here but if she wasn't, she wasn't terribly clear. I will be waiting to see if she gets a deluge of mail on this one. My guess is that she got a deluge of mail on "airing private parts" but she didn't print them. I can't believe anyone would let that go.

 

[Puffy2]

I think if there is a medical reason for the testing then let them test. And if it comes out that the son isn't his...then fess up and admit it. Sometimes there are negative consequences for our mistakes/actions/choices. That's life.

 

[Chuck S]

But the wife doesn't say why the husband wants the test, nor does the wife refer to it as a DNA paternity...instead she specifically says genetic testing. There is a difference, the husband may very well have a legitimate reason. And, yes, Dawn, if there were genetic indicators in my bloodline for early onset Alzhiemers or other disease that could potentially have an effect on my quality of life and the lives of my children, I would want to know. You may not be able to change the course of the disease, but you can be better prepared for its consequences financially, legally and emotionally if there is some indication that it is coming.

Without all the facts and only the wife's side of the story no one, Abby or anyone else, can make any sort of judgement as to the reason the husband may want the testing.

 

[AnaheimGirl]

Abby wouldn't have had to lie. There are a lot of reasons not to have it done. One doesn't have to "lie" to come up with them. Suppose mom did "fess" up years ago after she decided to stay with this man and make a home for her child. Would it had been "better" if the husband left her to raise a fatherless boy?

What makes you think the boy would have been brought up "fatherless"? The husband might have forgiven her affair, and if he hadn't, what about the bio father? We have no idea what kind of man he is/was. Had he known about the boy, he might have been a better father than the one who raised him. We have no idea. Or she might have married someone else. There are countless scenarios that might have occurred, fatherlessness is not the only one and it's no excuse for not telling the truth from the beginning.

 

[cardaway]

What makes you think the boy would have been brought up "fatherless"? The husband might have forgiven her affair, and if he hadn't, what about the bio father? We have no idea what kind of man he is/was. Had he known about the boy, he might have been a better father than the one who raised him. We have no idea. Or she might have married someone else. There are countless scenarios that might have occurred, fatherlessness is not the only one and it's no excuse for not telling the truth from the beginning.

Excellent point. The idea of "the truth is always the best option" is always true, inluding this scenario. If fact we don't even have all the story. Maybe that family is already in some serious turmoil (there has been at least one affair) and the truth may have very little impact or even improve things.

 

[momof2inPA]

It's unfortunate the father has decided to press this issue. I think he should just live with his doubts. In light of the fact that he is pursuing the testing, the mom has no choice but to come clean. I think Abby's advice was right on the money.

 

[Fantasmic303]

I think she was just addressing the issue of paternity testing here but if she wasn't, she wasn't terribly clear. I will be waiting to see if she gets a deluge of mail on this one. My guess is that she got a deluge of mail on "airing private parts" but she didn't print them. I can't believe anyone would let that go.

Actually, she must've gotten a fair amount of responses about that one too, cause she did publish a follow up. It seemed to be, as this topic is as well, a hot button that had support on both sides, however, and she stood by her initial advice. Believe it or not, some of her letters of support included replies from people who swear they turned out just fine even though their father acted in a similar manner, and that Americans just make a bigger deal about nudity than must be made.

 

[disykat]

Abby wouldn't have had to lie. There are a lot of reasons not to have it done. One doesn't have to "lie" to come up with them. Suppose mom did "fess" up years ago after she decided to stay with this man and make a home for her child. Would it had been "better" if the husband left her to raise a fatherless boy?

Yeah, I can think of lots of good reasons for the mom not to have the test done - however, I can't really think of any that wouldn't reveal that paternity is an issue. I'm in agreement with you that finding out paternity at this point shouldn't change who the child's father is - but the whole point is the Dad wants the test done. How does the mom talk him out of it without revealing the paternity issue? Abby didn't want to help. What would you suggest?

 

[AnaheimGirl]

I'm in agreement with you that finding out paternity at this point shouldn't change who the child's father is - but the whole point is the Dad wants the test done.

I just want to add that, although I think both dad and son have a right to know the truth about son's paternity, I also do not think that changes who "dad" is, at this point. This dad has loved and raised the boy for 17 years. He's his dad, biology doesn't matter in that respect, but also doesn't negate the possibility of another, genetic father, that the son has a right to know about.

 

[What the Heck]

Abby has nothing to do with the science. She never suggested any testing. The DAD is the one that wants the testing done - that has nothing to do with Abby. She only got dragged in because the mom wanted Abby to give her ammunition to use to talk Dad out of it. The only think Abby did was refuse to provide it.

There was nothing in the letter or response about whether the son should be told.

But there was nothing in Abby's response regarding what was the true nature of the letter. She uses a smoke screen to avoid the true topic.

 

[DawnCt1]

Yeah, I can think of lots of good reasons for the mom not to have the test done - however, I can't really think of any that wouldn't reveal that paternity is an issue. I'm in agreement with you that finding out paternity at this point shouldn't change who the child's father is - but the whole point is the Dad wants the test done. How does the mom talk him out of it without revealing the paternity issue? Abby didn't want to help. What would you suggest?

I guess I would point out that most people worry about "geneology" going 'backward', not forward and perhaps he should get his parents tested first. And then I would tell the wife to ask her husband why he feels the child should be tested since he should at least assume that he was there at the conception.