"Dear Abby", bad advice debate?

[Bob Slydell]

IMO everybody from Abby to Dr. Phil should be taken to task. One is just as bad as the other.

For every person they may help, there are at least that many that go the other way.

IMO, if you're getting your advice from a newspaper column, you're getting what you paid for.

 

[DawnCt1]

There was a column a few months back about a man who would walk nude in front of his young daughters after showers while he let certain areas air dry. "Abby's" advice was for the girls to point and laugh at his areas until he got the message that it wasn't appropriate for him to parade naked in front of them.

I was appalled by her response, but did not reply to it. I work in a clinic that, unfortunately, treats kids who are victims of sexual abuse. The abuse comes in all forms, and there's something wrong with the situation if the father is comfortable doing that. Her advice didn't seem to take the circumstances seriously enough. I guess "she" figures that, in ten years or so, those girls will be writing to her for advice too....keeps her in business.

WOW!!!! How did I miss THAT one!!

 

[CathrynRose]

I don't think knowing the 'truth' justifies the damage that will be done to the son and the family. The 'truth' in many cases isn't all that its cracked up to be. I can't imagine what would be worse than for a teenager, who is struggling with impending adulthood finding out that his "own father" doubts his paternity and worse yet, isn't his father.

Does anyone remember - it was on Dateline prolly 5+ years ago...

There was a boy, about 5-ish.... his parent got divorced. The Dad got re-married, and the new wife was in Nursing School. There's some "rule / law" in medicine about 2 blue eyed parents couldnt have a brown eyed child (vice-versa yes...not 2 blue = brown) that she had just learned about.

So, this kid had brown eyes - Paternity testing was done - it wasnt his kid.

All fine and dandy, but although I understand not wanting to pay child support any longer, I found it rather disturbing this man didnt want anything to do with this 5 year old child, anymore. He raised him.

So, if THIS case that Dawn mentioned turned out that way - would THIS Dad also turn his back on 17 + years of raising this young man???

 

[CathrynRose]

There was a column a few months back about a man who would walk nude in front of his young daughters after showers while he let certain areas air dry. "Abby's" advice was for the girls to point and laugh at his areas until he got the message that it wasn't appropriate for him to parade naked in front of them.

WOW! Laugh and point !!! Magnificent advice.

 

[BelleMcNally]

Does anyone remember - it was on Dateline prolly 5+ years ago...

There was a boy, about 5-ish.... his parent got divorced. The Dad got re-married, and the new wife was in Nursing School. There's some "rule / law" in medicine about 2 blue eyed parents couldnt have a brown eyed child (vice-versa yes...not 2 blue = brown) that she had just learned about.

So, this kid had brown eyes - Paternity testing was done - it wasnt his kid.

All fine and dandy, but although I understand not wanting to pay child support any longer, I found it rather disturbing this man didnt want anything to do with this 5 year old child, anymore. He raised him.

So, if THIS case that Dawn mentioned turned out that way - would THIS Dad also turn his back on 17 + years of raising this young man???

I was thinking the same thing. I don't have kids, but I just can't imagine turning my back on a child I had loved and raised for YEARS as my own because I found out he or she wasn't "mine".

I'm not saying that it wouldn't hurt like heck or there wouldn't be issues to work through...but I'd like to think that a mother or father's love for a child they'd loved and raised would trump biology...maybe I'm just naive.

 

[Stitchfans]

My first thought on this as an adult adoptee is they should have the DNA test so the boy does know for sure. Also yes, the husband has a right also.

I would like to know who my birthmother is and so on. All I have is her name and a description of her when she was 19. Everyone has a right to know who their birth parents are. Laws are made up to keep that from you when you are adopted.

 

[cardaway]

I'm not saying that it wouldn't hurt like heck or there wouldn't be issues to work through...but I'd like to think that a mother or father's love for a child they'd loved and raised would trump biology...maybe I'm just naive.

IMO you can't forget that given the circumstances it's likely things were pretty off before this news comes out. The cheating that took place to create this situation could have caused lots of other problems too. I don't blame somebody for distancing themselves from the whole mess, with this kind of thing being the last straw.

The other impact, at least in other cases I have read about like this, is the guy is considered the father from a legal standpoint despite the biology. In some cases they are forced to pay child support!

If nothing else, the one piece of proof that the legal system sucks for men in the legal world when it comes to these things.

 

[phillybeth]

There's some "rule / law" in medicine about 2 blue eyed parents couldnt have a brown eyed child (vice-versa yes...not 2 blue = brown) that she had just learned about.
So, this kid had brown eyes - Paternity testing was done - it wasnt his kid.

Two blue-eyed parents can have a brown-eyed child- eye color is not determined by a single gene. It is uncommon but it can happen. Just like two fair complexioned people can have a darker complexioned child.

 

[mickeyboat]

Something similar happened to a friend of mine. He was in a college biology class and did a project on familial blood types. He realized there was no way his father could be his biological father, and he was right.

My thoughs on this situation are that they should do the test. What if there is a biological father out there who has missed out on his son's entire childhood because someone didn't tell the truth. The son is an adult and has a right to know one way or the other.

Denae

 

[helenabear]

Two blue-eyed parents can have a brown-eyed child- eye color is not determined by a single gene. It is uncommon but it can happen. Just like two fair complexioned people can have a darker complexioned child.

Um, actually they cannot. They can have hazel or green, but it is not possible for a two blue eyed parents to have a true brown. Unless all the biology I was taught is wrong I do agree a darker complexion is possible though. Happens all the time.

While the pointing and laughing sounds wrong to me (from the other advice) I think Abby was partially right. The kid deserves to know and the dad does too. I would hope the dad is a real man and wouldn't turn his back on the child he raised. But parents do it blood or not no matter what. Honestly, I am surprised so many would be happy living with a lie. I've known people finding out about their paternity later, and it doesn't traumatize them!

 

[Fantasmic303]

WOW!!!! How did I miss THAT one!!

I know it's a little off topic from the original post, but here's a link for anyone who is interested in reading this bizarre advice about pointing and the naked daddy.

http://www.parentsbehavingbadly.com/archives/2005/10/naked_hemorrhoi.html

DEAR ABBY: My son-in-law insists on walking around naked after his shower. He claims that he's hot and must let his hemorrhoids air-dry. Abby, this man has four children, three of whom are girls ages 9, 7 and 4. My daughter has done everything from plead to scream to get him to stop this habit, yet he still emerges from the bathroom with the announcement, "Turn your heads, girls, I'm naked!"

DEAR DISGUSTED: I discussed your letter with Dr. Stephen Kuchenbecker, a respected colorectal surgeon in Los Angeles. He informs me that while hemorrhoid sufferers are advised not to rub that tender area of the body, they are encouraged to gently "pat" dry or even use a hand-held hair dryer to be sure the hemorrhoids are free of moisture.

It is not appropriate for your son-in-law to parade around in front of the girls. My suggested aversion therapy: The next time he makes his grand entrance, your daughter and the girls should point at his lower midsection and start laughing. If that proves ineffective, she should buy a long extension cord for her hair dryer, and warn her spouse that if he doesn't dry his hemorrhoids, then she will. I'm sure he'll get the message.

 

[disykat]

It's interesting to see how it's edited in different papers - either that or I read a different article. My letter mentioned no seperation - on that she had made a horrible mistake 18 years ago. She asked if Abby could please come up with some reasons that a child should not be tested so she could show her husband and get out of the testing.

Abby said there are valid reasons to be tested, that she wouldn't make up any reasons he shouldn't be - AND that her husband probably already suspected or he wouldn't be asking for the tests in the first place.

I've seen some bad advice in Abby over the last few years, but this one seemed more like Abby refusing to collaborate a readers story, not giving bad advice.

 

[DawnCt1]

It's interesting to see how it's edited in different papers - either that or I read a different article. My letter mentioned no seperation - on that she had made a horrible mistake 18 years ago. She asked if Abby could please come up with some reasons that a child should not be tested so she could show her husband and get out of the testing.

Abby said there are valid reasons to be tested, that she wouldn't make up any reasons he shouldn't be - AND that her husband probably already suspected or he wouldn't be asking for the tests in the first place.

I've seen some bad advice in Abby over the last few years, but this one seemed more like Abby refusing to collaborate a readers story, not giving bad advice.

It could have been my asumption that it was during a separation. No matter, it was 18 years ago. Again, I can think of NO VALID reasons why there should be testing but plenty of reasons why there shouldn't and they begin and end with the teenage boy.

 

[DawnCt1]

I know it's a little off topic from the original post, but here's a link for anyone who is interested in reading this bizarre advice about pointing and the naked daddy.

http://www.parentsbehavingbadly.com/archives/2005/10/naked_hemorrhoi.html

So having a "dry bottom" trumps flashing and exposure to young daughters. I think Abby's daughter has Alzheimers.

 

[HayGan]

My thoughs on this situation are that they should do the test. What if there is a biological father out there who has missed out on his son's entire childhood because someone didn't tell the truth. The son is an adult and has a right to know one way or the other.

Denae

I completely agree! I think it is unfair to call the possible biological father a "sperm donor". We don't know all the circumstances around the affair. The man very well may have been willing to raise the child as his own. The husband certainly has every right to know if the child is biologically his. Everyone in this situation has the right to know the truth!

 

[phillybeth]

Um, actually they cannot. They can have hazel or green, but it is not possible for a two blue eyed parents to have a true brown. Unless all the biology I was taught is wrong I do agree a darker complexion is possible though. Happens all the time.

Actually, yes they can. Eye color is at least tri-allelic, meaning there are at least three genes that determine eye color. Skin color is also at least tri-allelic. Unless all the genetics I have learned in college, grad school, and the job I do every day is wrong.

 

[DisneyGirl4188]

I don't think I agree with her advice. If I were the son I would be completely hurt if my dad didn't think that I was his. He raised me so it shouldn't matter if I am his biological child or not. I understand that the dad would be curious, but why risk hurting your child? It's a bad situation to begin with and by having the testing done, it could get even worse. The son could end up hating the mom and dad. Plus, if the kid does have a different father, what if he doesn't want anything to do with the kid (plus, who knows if he can even be found). There's just too much at stake and I do think the father is being selfish.

 

[disykat]

It could have been my asumption that it was during a separation. No matter, it was 18 years ago. Again, I can think of NO VALID reasons why there should be testing but plenty of reasons why there shouldn't and they begin and end with the teenage boy.

Maybe in THIS CIRCUMSTANCE you can't think of valid reasons, but surely you see valid reasons for DNA testing. Abby can't make up something, like "DNA testing is harmful", without lying and doing a disservice to her other readers. This particular reader wasn't really looking for advice - she wanted Abby to convince her husband that DNA testing is generically bad. Abby didn't comply.

I don't think DNA testing is a good idea in this case, but the father has the right to do it. I don't think there's anything Abby can say to change that. Sure, she may have missed an opportunity to give a nice talk about what's really important to the dad - but the dad wasn't the one who was going to be reading the reply.

Abby didn't advise to do DNA testing, she just didn't provide the mom with an excuse not to.

 

[DawnCt1]

Maybe in THIS CIRCUMSTANCE you can't think of valid reasons, but surely you see valid reasons for DNA testing. Abby can't make up something, like "DNA testing is harmful", without lying and doing a disservice to her other readers. This particular reader wasn't really looking for advice - she wanted Abby to convince her husband that DNA testing is generically bad. Abby didn't comply.

I don't think DNA testing is a good idea in this case, but the father has the right to do it. I don't think there's anything Abby can say to change that. Sure, she may have missed an opportunity to give a nice talk about what's really important to the dad - but the dad wasn't the one who was going to be reading the reply.

Abby didn't advise to do DNA testing, she just didn't provide the mom with an excuse not to.

But it is THIS case that the conversation is about. I do believe she supported DNA testing in this case. At least that seems to be the case in her response.

 

[Shannon G]

Personally, I thin Dear Abby's advice centered more on the idea that she could come clean and be honest with her husband than on whether they should have DNA testing and tell the boy. Honestly, I don't remember anything in the letter or her answer about whether they should tell the son the results of any testing. IMO, the point is that her husband obviously suspects that she cheated on him, and that their son may not be biologically his. While none of us can answer the question of whether or not it is best to tell the son, I think her husband most certainly deserves to have an honest answer about what his wife did, whether it was 18 years ago or 18 days ago. Sounds to me like the DNA test is his way of finding out if she cheated on him without coming right out and asking or accusing her.