"Dear Abby", bad advice debate?

[disykat]

I wish I knew how to link the whole column, but I don't.

The reader, having already stated all her objections to her dh to no avail, asked Abby, "can you issue advice that these DNA tests should not be used on minor children, and that there are powerful reasons why not?"

Abby responded "although you have my sympathy, I think it takes a lot of gall to ask me to lie in my column. I cannot come up with a reason why your son should not be tested because there are reasons why everyone should be - particularly before having children (two of the are Tay-Sachs and sickle-cell anemia.)"

She went on to say that her husband already has suspicions and that's probably why he is so determined to have the testing despite her objections. Her only advice IMO was to take a deep breath and be ready to confess before the results come through.

 

[palmtreegirl]

I wish I knew how to link the whole column, but I don't.

Found it-

http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20060322

GENETIC TESTING MAY REVEAL SON IS NOT HUSBAND'S CHILD

DEAR ABBY: My heart is pounding and I'm at my wit's end. This situation is difficult to explain. I'm afraid that other readers may be facing the same horror that I'm dealing with, so please advise us on how to handle an extremely delicate situation.
My husband has it in his head to do genetic testing for "genealogy" purposes. It isn't cheap. One of the places he wants testing from charges a couple of hundred dollars. He has asked me to have it done, too. I told him I wasn't interested and I thought it was too expensive.

Now he wants to have our 17-year-old son tested. I have argued that our son should not have his DNA on record anywhere, that he really needs both parents to give consent for testing, and it costs too much.

The horror I really have is that, 18 years ago, I made an awful mistake. I don't know if my husband is the father of our son. I'm having panic attacks about his finding out how awful I was 18 years ago.

Can you issue advice that these DNA tests should not be used on minor children, and that there are powerful reasons why not? Can you think of any other reasons I can give for not having him tested so I can convince my husband to drop the idea? Please don't reveal where we live. You can say it's Minnesota. -- IN A PANIC!

DEAR IN A PANIC!: Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. (And no, I didn't coin the phrase.)

Although you have my sympathy, I think it takes a lot of gall to ask me to lie in my column. I cannot come up with a reason why your son should not be tested because there are reasons why everyone should be -- particularly before having children. (Two of them are Tay-Sachs and sickle-cell anemia.) I have news for you. Your husband already has his suspicions about whether he fathered the boy. That's why he's determined to have him tested. If I were you, I'd take a few deep breaths and come clean before the guano hits the fan -- and that's the best advice I can offer. Confession is good for the soul.

 

[yeartolate]

I think seeking advice in "Dear Abby" in general is about as reliable as seeking medical advice on the DIS (or any IBB). In each case you may get some reliable information, but a layperson (a stranger no less) without all the details is whacky thing to trust.

Why would you trust a complete stranger with your family?

Why would you trust a stranger's medical advice over that of an MD?

 

[Shannon G]

I wish I knew how to link the whole column, but I don't.

The reader, having already stated all her objections to her dh to no avail, asked Abby, "can you issue advice that these DNA tests should not be used on minor children, and that there are powerful reasons why not?"

Abby responded "although you have my sympathy, I think it takes a lot of gall to ask me to lie in my column. I cannot come up with a reason why your son should not be tested because there are reasons why everyone should be - particularly before having children (two of the are Tay-Sachs and sickle-cell anemia.)"

She went on to say that her husband already has suspicions and that's probably why he is so determined to have the testing despite her objections. Her only advice IMO was to take a deep breath and be ready to confess before the results come through.

My take on Abby's response is that she is not going to make up a reason that DNA tests are bad so that this woman can avoid facing up to what she did. While all the reasons people have stated on this post maybe good reasons not to have the test done (i.e. what good would it do, it may hurt the son, etc) that is NOT the reason thw woman wanted Dear Abby to give, because that would not help her explain to her husband why she doesn't want the test. She wanted Dear Abby to fabricate some other reason (such as it's bad for some reason to have his DNA on record). Dear Abby refused to lie and fabricate a reason to help this woman cover up, and told he she better be prepared to fess up.

 

[disykat]

My take on Abby's response is that she is not going to make up a reason that DNA tests are bad so that this woman can avoid facing up to what she did. While all the reasons people have stated on this post maybe good reasons not to have the test done (i.e. what good would it do, it may hurt the son, etc) that is NOT the reason thw woman wanted Dear Abby to give, because that would not help her explain to her husband why she doesn't want the test. She wanted Dear Abby to fabricate some other reason (such as it's bad for some reason to have his DNA on record). Dear Abby refused to lie and fabricate a reason to help this woman cover up, and told he she better be prepared to fess up.

Exactly!

 

[yeartolate]

Although I think the testing may be a mistake, I believe Abby's point may be a some time the genetic information may be useful to the son. When the son gets married and wants to start a family, if he lacked knowlege of his true "genetic" identity, specific genetic screenings may be missed becasue he believes he does not have risk factors. Family history and heritage strongly determine if genetic testing is needed.

 

[LiteBrite]

I don't really know what I think about the genetic testing, but it seems to me like the elephant in the room is the wife's need to just go ahead and confess her infidelity to her husband. If the man is suspicious enough to demand testing, then the trust in their relationship is already badly damaged, and nothing is going to make this situation better until the truth has been told and dealt with. I'm not saying that it's sure to get better then, only that it surely won't get any better otherwise. Testing the poor teenager before all the emotional repercussions of this are faced and dealt with is just cruel and selfish on the parts of both adults.

 

[Chuck S]

It ay also be that the father wants to be tested because there is a history of genetic disorders in his family that he is afraid may have been passed onto his son, which is a very VALID reason for wanting the genetic testing done. Sickle cell and Tay-sachs are not the only genetically related diseases, the likelyhood of one form of Alzheimers is genetic.

 

[AnaheimGirl]

I think Dear Abby's advice is often way off the mark, but after reading the entire column, this time I think she's right on the money. The woman asked her to come up with a lie to dissuade her husband from DNA testing. Uh-uh, no way should she do that.

I also think both the father and the son have the right to know the truth about his biology. The real error was made 18 years ago, and she should have fessed up then.

 

[What the Heck]

I agree. The woman made a decision with her actions and if she has to face the consequences now, she should've thought about those before she did what she did. Its just a fact of life. Not telling the child isn't fair to him, he has a right to know, even if he never even thinks again about the man who is his "biological father". Not telling him is just letting the lie continue and it will get harder and the situation will get worse the longer he's not told what could be the truth.

So you advocate telling an 18 year old that the father he has known may not really be his father? Exactly what is the rational that he should be forced to "face the consequences" of his mothers actions? How is not telling him not fair? Bascially, how is not destroying the foundation of his life being not fair to him? I really don't understand that.

In regards to the woman involved, I think she should talk to her husband and face her consequences. But I really see no reason to drag the son into it. That truly would not be fair.

 

[DVC Sadie]

It could have been my asumption that it was during a separation. No matter, it was 18 years ago. Again, I can think of NO VALID reasons why there should be testing but plenty of reasons why there shouldn't and they begin and end with the teenage boy.

If the father wants testing I believe he is not only entitled but also has shown great restraint for not having it done before his son turned 18. Maybe the father needs the truth and not saying the truth will be easy but I know I'd rather live in the truth than to hide from the truth, whatever the truth may be.

 

[What the Heck]

Although I think the testing may be a mistake, I believe Abby's point may be a some time the genetic information may be useful to the son. When the son gets married and wants to start a family, if he lacked knowlege of his true "genetic" identity, specific genetic screenings may be missed becasue he believes he does not have risk factors. Family history and heritage strongly determine if genetic testing is needed.

Gee, thank God for science. I mean for the last 7000 years or so, he would have just had to face life like everyone else, but now, in the name of science we can destroy his sanity. I think Abby has been doing a little too much better living through chemistry lately.

 

[DawnCt1]

It ay also be that the father wants to be tested because there is a history of genetic disorders in his family that he is afraid may have been passed onto his son, which is a very VALID reason for wanting the genetic testing done. Sickle cell and Tay-sachs are not the only genetically related diseases, the likelyhood of one form of Alzheimers is genetic.

I think if that were indeed the case the wife would have been aware of it after being married to the same man for 18 years or more. At 17, it would have been apparent if he had any of those concerns. The reason he is requesting the test is more than likely, he is doubting the paternity. The benefit of knowing will more than be outweighed by the harm that could be done. With regard to Alzheimers, is anyone going to change their lives if they have a genetic predisposition to Alzheimers? Its not quite like Huntington's Chorea where someone may decide not to have children. If that were in your family, you would know it.

 

[DawnCt1]

Gee, thank God for science. I mean for the last 7000 years or so, he would have just had to face life like everyone else, but now, in the name of science we can destroy his sanity. I think Abby has been doing a little too much better living through chemistry lately.

What a great answer. Knowing your family history after you are "here", is really over rated.

 

[DawnCt1]

I think Dear Abby's advice is often way off the mark, but after reading the entire column, this time I think she's right on the money. The woman asked her to come up with a lie to dissuade her husband from DNA testing. Uh-uh, no way should she do that.

I also think both the father and the son have the right to know the truth about his biology. The real error was made 18 years ago, and she should have fessed up then.

Abby wouldn't have had to lie. There are a lot of reasons not to have it done. One doesn't have to "lie" to come up with them. Suppose mom did "fess" up years ago after she decided to stay with this man and make a home for her child. Would it had been "better" if the husband left her to raise a fatherless boy?

 

[CathrynRose]

What a great answer. Knowing your family history after you are "here", is really over rated.

No kidding..... with my family history of diabetes and high blood pressure, and people dropping like flies at a young age, I should just save my self the misery and drive off a bridge tonight!!!

Or maybe, I should get DNA testing done. Perhaps I'm not really my parents child, after all! There is hope!!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You have to ask what is the motive of the father? It sounds as if it is to punish or point fingers at his wife.

So I would conclude that the father wanting to know if the son is his or not NOW... is a symptom of problems in their marriage. He wants ammunition.
Using children in that way is wrong.

Now if it was coming from a pure loving place and it was going to be kept private, different story.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Would it had been "better" if the husband left her to raise a fatherless boy?

Exactly who are you, I, or even Abby herself to decide what woud be best for this boy? This guy (the Father) has perhaps been trapped into being a Father to the kid for 18 years. I would assume that after 18 years of parenting, he probably has feelings for his son and wants what is best for the family. This guy deserves to know the truth about what his wife and parenting partner did to him at conception.

Where he decides to take that information from this point, whether to tell the boy or not tell the boy, is HIS decision to make. It is a Parenting decsion, and he is the parent. Stating that he should be obligated to continue to live his live and marriage with doubt because YOU don't think it would benefit his son to know the facts, is quite presumptuous on your part I believe.

He deserved to know the truth 18 years ago before the relationship was put back together, and he deserves to know it now.

 

[DawnCt1]

No kidding..... with my family history of diabetes and high blood pressure, and people dropping like flies at a young age, I should just save my self the misery and drive off a bridge tonight!!!

Or maybe, I should get DNA testing done. Perhaps I'm not really my parents child, after all! There is hope!!!

No kidding! My maternal grandparents had 6 kids, all of them died of cancer with the exception of the youngest....who was killed by a lumber truck at the age of 7. Knowing that doesn't change the way I live my life. I would still get mamograms, gyn exams, etc, regardless. My Dad's side isn't a heck of a lot better.

 

[disykat]

Abby has nothing to do with the science. She never suggested any testing. The DAD is the one that wants the testing done - that has nothing to do with Abby. She only got dragged in because the mom wanted Abby to give her ammunition to use to talk Dad out of it. The only think Abby did was refuse to provide it.

There was nothing in the letter or response about whether the son should be told.