Dealing with the loss of a spouse

[quasar4legs]

I knew things would get harder before they get better. Last night my dd said I miss mom. That I was able to handle a little. This morning she said I want mommy. That was very hard to handle.

Dealing with your own grief while watching your children go through their own grieving must be so painful.

Sending you all BIG Koala cuddles from 'down under'

 

[mommasita]

Dealing with your own grief while watching your children go through their own grieving must be so painful.

Sending you all BIG Koala cuddles from 'down under'

So true....

There are no easy answers, and I wish I could take any part of this pain away for any or all of you...Thinking of your family constantly, hugs and prayers

 

[AnnaS]

Not sure if it might help or you are willing to, but I joined a bereavement group. It was and is still too much sometimes to deal with. My sister is the hardest and the one I miss the most. They all have similar stories and it helped a little to let it out. It's the one place where I don't worry too much if I am repeating the story over and over or how I feel. There are lot's of tears.

One thing that was reinforced for me - I speak about my sister and bring her name into the conversation when I am with family/friends. She did exist. We all deal with it our own way and many people, friends, family members are afraid to bring up the name in front of the person mourning. I go out of my way now to mention my sister when something comes up. We were so close that it's normal to bring her name up. It's called the White Elephant and it was brought up at the bereavement group. It will help to start talking about all the good things (and sometimes the suffering) shared. I am not sure if I am explaining myself right hopefully it went through okay.

Hang in there.

 

[BigDaddyWill]

I have lost family members to cancer and I have had my daughter pass away. I always try to explain to others that right after it happened it felt "raw". We are all conditioned to say things like "I'm sorry for your loss" and they are "in a better place." These things are meant to help but when you are in the midst of it they are only words. Here are some things that I learned.

- Everyone grieves in their own way. There is no right or wrong way. Some cry, some become stoic and some laugh. Do not let anyone tell you how you should feel.
- Your family (your kids) are sharing your pain. Let them know you love them and that you are there for them, but let them be there for you as well. It is true that shared pain is lessened and it will help you through.
- Do not feel rushed to "move on". Our daughter passed away in 2007 and we still have her toothbrush in the toothbrush holder in the bathroom. When it feels right it will be put away. Take your time and do it when YOU feel it is right.

You have been blessed to be able to love someone special. Now you are sharing her with the ones that left before her...doesn't mean that you no longer have her, just that you do not have her with you physically. Her pain is over; now she can truly rest.

And don't immediately decide not to go somewhere because of the memories...in time, you will cherish those memories when you are ready, and make new ones.

My family will keep yours in our thoughts and prayers.

Will

 

[gottaluvPluto]

I am so sorry for your loss. I have friends that have lost their spouse and had young kids and it was extremely difficult for the entire family. As the years went on they now can remember the happy times and always talk about the dad or mom with a smile on their face.

Also, take your wife's clothes and have a quilt made for each child and one for you. It is what helped some of the families that we know that have lost a love one. I also think, when your feelings aren't so raw, go to Disney and remember all the memories you had with your wife. It will be a bitter sweet vacation.

For now, you and your family are in my prayers!

 

[honeymom]

Let me start out by saying how sorry I am for your loss. there really aren't any right words to use. I have been trying to write to you since your original post and keep deleting because I feel that I can't ever write the right thing.

But, I do want to share some things with you. I don't think they will necessarily help you in the moment of your loss, but maybe over the long term you will ponder them.

When I was 11, I took my first trip to WDW. My sister chose not to come and we took my cousin. He was my age. We had a wonderful time. Two years later my cousin became sick with leukemia. He passed just before I turned 14. It was so painful. I didn't go to WDW again for years and was not sure how I would feel being there again. I was an adult the next time I went, but going brought up the raw pain of my cousin's death from my childhood.

Strangely, while there were so many memories, it made me feel very close to my cousin again - in a good way - to be back at WDW. When I go there now, I always have such good memories of him.

The next thing that I will share with you is that I was supposed to go with my family to WDW last summer (August) after a 7 year lull. We were all very excited. Except that I got very sick in June. I almost died from a severe case of fluid around my heart. It was brought on by a now diagnosed case of advanced lung cancer. I barely ever smoked in my life (teenage experimentation) and it was like a thousand years ago, so lung cancer was really a shock.

We had to cancel August's trip to WDW. I was very sick when I was first diagnosed and had no idea of whether I had time left or not. I told my husband to please promise me that if I passed before I could go back with the kids to WDW, that he would take the kids within the next year. Now, while I still don't know God's plan for me, I responded well to first line chemo, feel good right now and we are planning a trip to WDW in February. I really don't know how much time I have left and I am going to take a ton of pictures and create memories for my kids.

It will not be easy for you to go back to WDW without your wife especially while the loss is so raw. But, I hope that in time, you will be able to focus on your positive memories of your wife more than the circumstances of her sickness and passing. Hopefully, reviving the positive memories of the times that you and your children shared with her in happy places like WDW will become possible again and you will be able to go there and enjoy it.

 

[Chaoster]

I know in time things will get better. It's just so hard right now. I plan on going to counseling with my kids. I'll take advantage of all that the hospice has to offer. Disney will always have a special place in my heart. That was the last vacation we went on before my wife got sick and began treatment for cancer. It makes my so sad now when I go out and see a family of a father, mother and kids happily going about their business. Just the other day I slipped and said go ask your mom to my dd. I don't think she heard me. As for now I still have my wife's things where she left them. I plan on keeping it that way for a while.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

You and your kids are in my thoughts and prayers......I can't imagine the pain you are all in........I hope you find more peaceful days ahead

 

[fortwildernessishome]

Let me start out by saying how sorry I am for your loss. there really aren't any right words to use. I have been trying to write to you since your original post and keep deleting because I feel that I can't ever write the right thing.

But, I do want to share some things with you. I don't think they will necessarily help you in the moment of your loss, but maybe over the long term you will ponder them.

When I was 11, I took my first trip to WDW. My sister chose not to come and we took my cousin. He was my age. We had a wonderful time. Two years later my cousin became sick with leukemia. He passed just before I turned 14. It was so painful. I didn't go to WDW again for years and was not sure how I would feel being there again. I was an adult the next time I went, but going brought up the raw pain of my cousin's death from my childhood.

Strangely, while there were so many memories, it made me feel very close to my cousin again - in a good way - to be back at WDW. When I go there now, I always have such good memories of him.

The next thing that I will share with you is that I was supposed to go with my family to WDW last summer (August) after a 7 year lull. We were all very excited. Except that I got very sick in June. I almost died from a severe case of fluid around my heart. It was brought on by a now diagnosed case of advanced lung cancer. I barely ever smoked in my life (teenage experimentation) and it was like a thousand years ago, so lung cancer was really a shock.

We had to cancel August's trip to WDW. I was very sick when I was first diagnosed and had no idea of whether I had time left or not. I told my husband to please promise me that if I passed before I could go back with the kids to WDW, that he would take the kids within the next year. Now, while I still don't know God's plan for me, I responded well to first line chemo, feel good right now and we are planning a trip to WDW in February. I really don't know how much time I have left and I am going to take a ton of pictures and create memories for my kids.

It will not be easy for you to go back to WDW without your wife especially while the loss is so raw. But, I hope that in time, you will be able to focus on your positive memories of your wife more than the circumstances of her sickness and passing. Hopefully, reviving the positive memories of the times that you and your children shared with her in happy places like WDW will become possible again and you will be able to go there and enjoy it.

I truly hope that you and your family have a wonderful trip to Disney. I also hope that the chemo continues to fight back the cancer. Sending good thoughts your way

 

[Shelly F - Ohio]

Don't be in a hurry to do something with your Wifes things. Tackling that task is a heavy hearted thing to do and right now is not the time to do it. Leave things as they are and then when you feel the time is right then tackle it. If you know of someone who quilts ask them to take some of your wifes clothes and make a quilt for each of the kids and yourself. That way you will have something to cherish and remember her by. When the kids are missing her they can cuddle up in their quilt and think of her.
Just take one day at a time. Take baby steps through this process.

As far as going to Disney. If your kids feel up to it I would go. Try to stay at a resort that you did not stay at with your wife so that you don't have those memories to deal with. I think by going you will be so busy you won't have a lot of time on your hands. Your kids can be kids again and experience a bit of enjoyment. It will provide a nice break from grieving. And you will get to spend some quality time with them and feel a bit relaxed yourself.
It will give you and the kids something to look forward to which will help get you though the rough days.
You deserve a break.

 

[Pompton65]

I am so sorry for your loss. (hug)

Realize that it will take time. 3 of my friends lost their husbands in the last 2 years and my cousin's wife passsed away a couple of months ago. Give yorself time to grieve and mourn before you do anything. Do not rush or have ANYONE talk you into doing things before YOU are ready.

My one friend said the best things she did was to find a support group for her and got her kids into support gorups as well. One friend sent her son to a camp for children who lost parents and he felt better after going because 'all the other kids were like him'. They are going to find themselves in a select group with very few members and they feel lonely. They need and you will need, a place to feel like you are not alone.

Realize too that your kids need reminders of their mom. One friend said the best advice she got was not to do anything for a year. The first year is the hardest and after that time, you can see things differently.

My husband's mother passed away when he was a child and his father got rid of everything. He felt like his dad was trying to erase his mother. He has so few things that were hers and most he got from other family members or he dug out of the garbage & hid from his father.

(hug) again I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[aussietravellers]

Have just found your post.

I am so sorry for your loss. I do know the pain of losing a spouse, my husband died in an accident when my son was very young. It was horrendous, I have to say the most horrendous thing that I have ever been through and I think the only thing that kept me going was my son.

The only thing that can heal the pain is time. As the months and years go by, it gets a little easier each day. We still celebrate my husbands birthday (it's tomorrow). We get a small cake each year and my DS goes and gets a photo of him and put's it on the table and we sing happy birthday and eat yummy cake. I do this more for my DS now than for me.

This is such a personal, individual journey and one that everybody travels differently. There is no right time or right way to grieve, no right time to pack up their things, that is something that has to be done in your own time, at your own pace. I still have some things of his. I have kept things for my son and he can do with them as he pleases when he gets older. Little things that he may want to keep and being very young when his dad died, I want him to be able to choose what he wants to keep of his dad's.

I found it very hard in the beginning. I just felt so alone! I didn't know anybody in their 20's who was a widow. I was, alone with a baby, my best friend, my partner for life, the father of my child was gone. But as time passed it got easier, I think it got easier to deal with the pain. I don't think the pain went away, it just got easier to deal with. My son is getting older now and is the image of his dad, they have so many mannerisms that are the same. It's nice for him and it makes me smile. My DS has had counselling, through a special children's grief program.

I am years down the track and it's something I can talk about now without getting upset. When I talk or think about him it makes me smile. It's a massive part of my life, it was a life changing event so it will always be a part of my life and my son's life, even though he doesn't remember him. But life can and will be happy again. The time will come that you can think about and talk about your DW and smile and laugh, remembering all of the beautiful things about her, all of the fun and good times you had without it making you sad.

It's a terribly long hard road, but it will get better. Thoughts are with you and your children

 

[LovableGluttons]

How does one deal with the loss of a spouse? When does the pain go away. My wife lost her fight with cancer Saturday morning. I now have to care for my ds 9 and dd 7. I don't know what to do. I know friends and family are only trying to help. But when they ask how can they help?, anything you need, or what can they do? I feel like saying I want my wife back. I miss her so much already. I know that is kind of mean thinking on my part. But that is really what I want someone to do for me. Bring her back. I know she is in a better place now and not suffering. As my dd said mom is in heaven now and is not in pain anymore, I miss mom. That just breaks my heart. It's not fair. I know I will see her again but it doesn't make it any easier. Thanks for letting me share/vent. This is like such a bad dream.

I sincerely don't know how I would deal with it if I lost my husband. (((hugs))) I hope it gets easier for you to get through soon.

 

[Dismom55]

First, I am so sorry you and your kids are going through this loss. I lost my husband of 38 yrs suddenly last year to a stroke, we did not even get a warning, and suddenly he was gone.

A dear friend of mine game me a book to read that as near as I can remember the title was I am greiving as fast as I can, the upshot is we all grieve at our own pace. Some will be able to clean out closets right away, others much later. My kids are grown, but still living at home, so my experience is much different than yours.

I think I am getting to the point where I can breathe again and something will trigger another memory that makes me cry. This is normal, there is no timeline.

You and your family are in my prayers.