Dealing with the loss of a spouse

[Chaoster]

How does one deal with the loss of a spouse? When does the pain go away. My wife lost her fight with cancer Saturday morning. I now have to care for my ds 9 and dd 7. I don't know what to do. I know friends and family are only trying to help. But when they ask how can they help?, anything you need, or what can they do? I feel like saying I want my wife back. I miss her so much already. I know that is kind of mean thinking on my part. But that is really what I want someone to do for me. Bring her back. I know she is in a better place now and not suffering. As my dd said mom is in heaven now and is not in pain anymore, I miss mom. That just breaks my heart. It's not fair. I know I will see her again but it doesn't make it any easier. Thanks for letting me share/vent. This is like such a bad dream.

 

[PebblesMK]

How does one deal with the loss of a spouse? When does the pain go away. My wife lost her fight with cancer Saturday morning. I now have to care for my ds 9 and dd 7. I don't know what to do. I know friends and family are only trying to help. But when they ask how can they help?, anything you need, or what can they do? I feel like saying I want my wife back. I miss her so much already. I know that is kind of mean thinking on my part. But that is really what I want someone to do for me. Bring her back. I know she is in a better place now and not suffering. As my dd said mom is in heaven now and is not in pain anymore, I miss mom. That just breaks my heart. It's not fair. I know I will see her again but it doesn't make it any easier. Thanks for letting me share/vent. This is like such a bad dream.

How terribly sad and unfair it is. Cancer sucks, plain and simple. I have no healing words for you, but you're going to see bits and pieces of your wife every day through your children and that will make you smile. With time, you'll find the joy in things but until then, vent and cry and scream and don't be afraid of your feelings. Hug and love up on your kids just a little bit more and together you'll all get through this. Sending up a prayer for you and your family.

 

[mommasita]

I am so terribly sorry.

You must be living through such terrible pain, and I have no answer as to when it will get better. It most certainly is not fair, nothing about it is fair.

I do hope that with time it will get easier, and will hurt less. to you and your family.

Vent, share, grieve here anytime you like.

 

[henrylarry6]

Yours is a heart-rending story…nobody in the world can help you out except you. Please hold yourself as you have to look after your children also they are too young.

 

[KathyTX]

I am so very sorry for your loss...

I don't have any answers, but please know you can come here to vent, rage, cry, or look for support any time. Cancer sucks.

I'll keep you and your sweet children in my prayers, hoping that with time the happy memories will begin to outweigh the pain.

 

[zalansky]

So sorry, OP. I don't even know what to say. Hugs to you & your sweet children. I know it doesn't help now but trust us when we say with time it will get better. There will be a day when you don't feel this awful, I promise.

 

[Chaoster]

Today I started getting rid of all my wife's medicines. It was very difficult. I still remember giving them to her. Then I looked at her other belongings. Soon, slowly, some of those items will be put away or given away. Then there will be nothing left. I thought it will be like she never existed. As each day goes by it seems to be getting harder. I am so sad when my dd says "I miss mommy". We have gone to Disney every year since dd was born until my wife got sick. DD said when can we go back? I don't know if I can. To many memories.

 

[quasar4legs]

Today I started getting rid of all my wife's medicines. It was very difficult. I still remember giving them to her. Then I looked at her other belongings. Soon, slowly, some of those items will be put away or given away. Then there will be nothing left. I thought it will be like she never existed. As each day goes by it seems to be getting harder. I am so sad when my dd says "I miss mommy". We have gone to Disney every year since dd was born until my wife got sick. DD said when can we go back? I don't know if I can. To many memories.

I am so sorry your family has had to endure this unimaginable pain

Nobody has the answers for you and your children but please know that whatever you do going forward is right for YOU.
Take all the time you need and be selfish with what you need to do to heal.

Your wife was so much more than her 'things' and she will always be there.........in your heart and in your children.

I wish there was some way I could ease your pain.............I am thinking of you and your children

Please come here whenever you need.

Quasar

 

[sunshineNJ]

I am so sorry for your tremendous loss. When you are ready you may want to think about going to a support group. Being with others who are going through the same kind of heartache that you are may give you some hope for the future. You may also learn some coping strategies for you and the children. I wish you strength, courage and love.

 

[AnnaS]

I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words that will make you feel better. We have had our share of cancer deaths recently. I can only tell you it will get worse before you might start to feel a little bit normal again. I know what you mean about cleaning up and throwing a loved one things out. I had to do it all recently for my sister. I felt like I was wiping her existence out but I know she will forever be in my heart (along with my dad, bil and fil).

Take one moment at a time and you will see your wife when you look at your wonderful children and see their expressions and hear their wonderful voice. It is hard right now but make your wife proud and take care of yourself and the little ones. Life is too short and it definitely for the living. I know tomorrow might not come for any of us now.

Come here anytime to talk.

 

[Heluvsme]

At some point the memories will comfort you, right now it's all very raw---allow it and give in to it when you can, I imagine that is hard when you are the comforter for your children.
Please accept my very heartfelt condolences, it really is unfair and tragic, my heart is breaking for you and your kiddos.

 

[Chaoster]

Thank You all for your words of encouragement. I know it will get better, but it's so hard right now.

 

[jennyjinx3]

i am so so sorry for your loss,

 

[Brownsfan317]

I am so sorry for your loss. You and your children will be in my prayers.

I lost my husband to illness when I was 28 and my son was 5. In fact, it was the night before he started kindergarten.

Everyone handles everything differently and everyone's needs are different in this situation. However, I can at least tell you a little about my experience.

I cried and grieved with my son, but tried to find a balance for him. I did not want him to feel that his life was over too. In fact, he told me now that he felt uncomfortable spending time with his grandma (DH's mom) because all she did was cry.

I also put him in counseling as well as me. Since I am no expert in how children grieve, I wanted someone with some experience to guide me. Besides, I think I spent the first month kind of in an out of body like experience. I was wrapping up things like funeral planning, life insurance, and settling estate.

The first year was the roughest--the first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, etc. It was hard to find joy when all I kept thinking was how he was missing our son open Xmas gifts, his first soccer game, etc. (To this day we still put up his stocking. )

Now that he is older (it has been 6 years), he can pretty much let me know when he wants to talk about it. Every once in a while, he starts asking questions about him. Sometimes he just want to watch old home movies together. I will also bring him up occasionally if something triggers a memory. He loves to hear funny stories about his dad. I find so much joy in sharing those stories with him. I love seeing mannerisms he got from his dad, or the passion he has for his art that his dad had. I find comfort in knowing that his dad is with him, even if it is not physically with us anymore.

I will say that my son seems to get the most joy out of some of his dad's things. He brags about using his dad's tackle box and fishing rod. He keeps some of his dad's art projects on display in his room, from paintings to pottery pieces.

I make sure that he gets time with his dad's side of the family. It is hard because for grandma it has become her whole life and it is almost to the point of rubbing it in that he lost his dad. Thankfully, he is old enough that we can discuss how everyone handles something like that differently.

I don't want to say that it gets "easier." Somehow, the memories seem to transition from painful to joyful.

Please take care of yourself.

 

[mommasita]

Thank You all for your words of encouragement. I know it will get better, but it's so hard right now.

Thinking of you and your children..

 

[babyrich]

You will never wipe away her existence as long as you and your children remember her.

The medicine you got rid of is getting rid of bad memories. Go through her things slowly. Save things for you and your children so that when you see them, it brings back a fond memory. Save jewlery for your daughter, even the not real stuff.

I have a pin of my mothers that make me smile every time I see it cause I can picture her wearing it. And my mom passed 20 years ago. When I smell her favorite perfume, I still think of her getting ready for work in the morning.

Talk and remember the good memories. It will take time. I bet you will be very surprised at how much your children will help you through this. When they say that they miss her, remind them that it is ok to miss her. They will always miss mommy; but eventually it wont be consuming.

 

[sunshineNJ]

I'm thinking about your family alot since I read your post. I'm sure your finding strength you never knew you had. Your kids need you so much and you need them. Please continue to reach out to this board for love and support. One day at at time.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

I think getting rid of the medicine was a good thing. You probably don't want those kind of memories in the house.

As far as how long the pain lasts? Well, I can only speak for me. My dad died a year ago, just before Christmas. It took a good 9 months for me to feel "normal" again. Before that, I would cry at just the mention or thought of him. I would do stupid things like send out bills without the check, start the load of laundry without the detergent, want to go to bed early just so I didn't have to think about it all, etc.

As far as Disney goes? Those were always happy memories. Your wife would definitely want you to continue the tradition. That was her happy place- Cancer didn't exist there.

I wish you all the best. I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[Chaoster]

I knew things would get harder before they get better. Last night my dd said I miss mom. That I was able to handle a little. This morning she said I want mommy. That was very hard to handle.

 

[Heluvsme]

I just want to add one more thing...

The moment I changed the way I described the loss of my mom, my mindset and my heart started to heal a little.

I stopped saying "My mom died on my birthday...."
And I stopped saying "My mom died of cancer..."

I started saying "My mom was cured of cancer on my birthday"
And I started saying "My mom was cured of cancer when she was called Home."

It's small, and by no means did it take away all the pain, but it was the first step in my healing. I also use the word "healing" and avoid "moving on" and "getting over it." Those phrases used to send me reeling when someone would say it to me.

Here's praying your healing starts soon.... even in a small way. You are obviously a husband in love, who's devoted, and heart broken. I pray you and your children can feel her loving arms around you and that it comforts you.

~Dawn