Dealing with the In-Laws

[need2cruise]

Dh and I have been married for 7 years. We have one child together, he has one from a previous marriage and I have one.

His family all the times asks for pictures and time with the one child from the previous marriage, but rarely if ever, ask for anything to do with our child together. I sorta understand about my child that isn't his (I do and I don't--they can still treat her the same as far as remembering her birthday, school events, etc is how I feel) but why don't they feel the same way about dh's other child?? It's not because they see her more than his 1st child, we only get a chance to visit with family when we have them all together. Yet, they will call his ex, befriend her on facebook/myspace, and request more time through her, yet never to dh.

We have tried distancing ourselves, talking to them, etc. It doesn't work because they don't see it as doing anything wrong and are in denial.

It's to the point where we see pics of dh's first born all over the place, and all the other grandkids, but his other one is totally ignored and no photos of her anywhere? And they forgot 2 of the 3 kids b/days this year...

How would you handle this situation? Is there anything that can be done to remedy it? I'm so tired of having my children's feelings hurt (and yes, mine too). The 2 older kids are finally starting to see it and have talked about it, our dd together is going to be of age soon where she will notice it as well.
I'm at my wits end, I want to keep the peace and family is important, but to what expense?

 

[nutterbutter2010]

Dh and I have been married for 7 years. We have one child together, he has one from a previous marriage and I have one.

His family all the times asks for pictures and time with the one child from the previous marriage, but rarely if ever, ask for anything to do with our child together. I sorta understand about my child that isn't his (I do and I don't--they can still treat her the same as far as remembering her birthday, school events, etc is how I feel) but why don't they feel the same way about dh's other child?? It's not because they see her more than his 1st child, we only get a chance to visit with family when we have them all together. Yet, they will call his ex, befriend her on facebook/myspace, and request more time through her, yet never to dh.

We have tried distancing ourselves, talking to them, etc. It doesn't work because they don't see it as doing anything wrong and are in denial.

It's to the point where we see pics of dh's first born all over the place, and all the other grandkids, but his other one is totally ignored and no photos of her anywhere? And they forgot 2 of the 3 kids b/days this year...

How would you handle this situation? Is there anything that can be done to remedy it? I'm so tired of having my children's feelings hurt (and yes, mine too). The 2 older kids are finally starting to see it and have talked about it, our dd together is going to be of age soon where she will notice it as well.
I'm at my wits end, I want to keep the peace and family is important, but to what expense?

I'd be saying SO LONG to them. The damage they are doing to your children isn't OK. They are not worth it.

 

[cheermom1]

I'd be saying SO LONG to them. The damage they are doing to your children isn't OK. They are not worth it.

I have to agree i went through this as a child and I am her to tell you taht if you don't do something she will grow up angry and bitter for a while and she may even never talk to them or you or her dad - not fair for you and her dad but she may feel like you could have stopped it...

 

[grumpeeduck]

Voice of experience here.... you have done what you can.......this won't change unless you change it............you have to be firm that if they do not change immediately or do one more unfair thing then you can no longer expose your children to that divisiveness and damage. And believe me it does damage-kids know..........

 

[OceanAnnie]

That sounds so frustrating!!!

I'd be giving them pictures in nice frames of the child that is missing from their photo collection. If you are at their house, give them some suggestions for where it will look nice. Nothing wrong with helping them get a clue.

The forgotten birthdays, I'd have a rule buy for all or none. And stick to it.
And lastly, if the pictures you give are not displayed and the birthdays still remain forgotten, I'd be done.

 

[Rora]

That sounds so frustrating!!!

I'd be giving them pictures in nice frames of the child that is missing from their photo collection. If you are at their house, give them some suggestions for where it will look nice. Nothing wrong with helping them get a clue.

The forgotten birthdays, I'd have a rule buy for all or none. And stick to it.
And lastly, if the pictures you give are not displayed and the birthdays still remain forgotten, I'd be done.

I agree with this post 100%.

 

[EthansMom]

First, since it's your husband's family, he needs to talk to them and say, "We have three kids. You need to stop favoring one of my kids over the other two."

I'd stop giving them any photos of just the one child... only give them photos with the two or three kids all in the same photo. Also, refuse to accept gifts if they haven't been fair with the gifts.

If they can't make a change, then they aren't a good influence for the kids and I'd start putting more distance in our relationship.

I live quite far away from my family but my dad and his wife are like that... they favor one grandchild (her only grandchild) to the virtual exclusion of all others (I have two and my brother has 3 kids). Pretty sad to see how over-the-top they treat the one boy and can care less about the other kids. All I can say is, "You reap what you sow."

Already, my kids often forget they have another set of grandparents since they can't be bothered to visit us (too busy taking the other grandson on vacation) and don't make any real effort to stay in touch with the grandkids.

OTH, my Mom and Stepdad live in that same area and meet us on vacation about once a year. We always have a good visit and my kids have a good relationship with those grandparents.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Dh and I have been married for 7 years. We have one child together, he has one from a previous marriage and I have one.

His family all the times asks for pictures and time with the one child from the previous marriage, but rarely if ever, ask for anything to do with our child together. I sorta understand about my child that isn't his (I do and I don't--they can still treat her the same as far as remembering her birthday, school events, etc is how I feel) but why don't they feel the same way about dh's other child?? It's not because they see her more than his 1st child, we only get a chance to visit with family when we have them all together. Yet, they will call his ex, befriend her on facebook/myspace, and request more time through her, yet never to dh.

We have tried distancing ourselves, talking to them, etc. It doesn't work because they don't see it as doing anything wrong and are in denial.

It's to the point where we see pics of dh's first born all over the place, and all the other grandkids, but his other one is totally ignored and no photos of her anywhere? And they forgot 2 of the 3 kids b/days this year...

How would you handle this situation? Is there anything that can be done to remedy it? I'm so tired of having my children's feelings hurt (and yes, mine too). The 2 older kids are finally starting to see it and have talked about it, our dd together is going to be of age soon where she will notice it as well.
I'm at my wits end, I want to keep the peace and family is important, but to what expense?

I would probably ignore it. If my kids say something about the pic's, I would tell them to go ask grandma.

 

[robinb]

First of all, I don't think you can expect your in-laws to treat your child from a previous relationship as a grandchild. It would be nice and everything for them to remember her birthday and school events, but it's not really a requirement. So, I think you just need to get over hurt feelings about your oldest child. Your youngest child *is* their grandchild and they should remember her birthday and they should have her photos displayed, etc. I think it is up to your DH to stand up for both his kids. HE needs to bring them a photo in a nice frame of the younger child. HE needs to call them and remind them of her birthday or some special event. HE needs to set up times when his kids get to see their grandparents.

My spidey sense says there is something else going on here ... some kind of other back story since the inlaws are actively reaching out your DH's older DD's mother to see her and not to him.

ETA: Any other photo sent to the in-laws after the individual one mentioned above would have all 3 kids in it so they can't ignore the other two.

 

[ilovejack02]

First of all, I don't think you can expect your in-laws to treat your child from a previous relationship as a grandchild. It would be nice and everything for them to remember her birthday and school events, but it's not really a requirement. So, I think you just need to get over hurt feelings about your oldest child. Your youngest child *is* their grandchild and they should remember her birthday and they should have her photos displayed, etc. I think it is up to your DH to stand up for both his kids. HE needs to bring them a photo in a nice frame of the younger child. HE needs to call them and remind them of her birthday or some special event. HE needs to set up times when his kids get to see their grandparents.

My spidey sense says there is something else going on here ... some kind of other back story since the inlaws are actively reaching out your DH's older DD's mother to see her and not to him.

ETA: Any other photo sent to the in-laws after the individual one mentioned above would have all 3 kids in it so they can't ignore the other two.

I disagree with you on not expecting them to treat the child as another grandchild.

I have a stepson ( 20 now), wonderful young man who came into my life at 5. My parents love him, it took awhile for him to warm up to them, but eventually it happened. They treat him no differently than my youngest. In fact my ENTIRE family treats him just like one of the crew and always have.
I am so appreciative of their love for him.

My grandmother is my stepgrandmother ( didnt raise my Dad , came into his life in his 20's, but before I was born) . She has NEVER treated me differently and considers my youngest and stepson her great grandchildren. Sends gifts, makes phone calls and is always wanting us to visit, which of course we do .

Lots of families make this work, I have seen it several times.

What does your husband say? If my parents would have rejected my stepson as a grandchild, I would have had LOTS to say about it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

ETA: Any other photo sent to the in-laws after the individual one mentioned above would have all 3 kids in it so they can't ignore the other two.

Oh that is a good one.

 

[need2cruise]

We have given them photos of each of them--all in frames--we even went to only giving them the group shots of all the kids--those aren't displayed--what IS displayed are the pictures that they take at family gatherings with their own camera and some of the older pictures, or pics of when they went to one of the kids grandparents day but not the others (they are in different schools since the mom doesn't live in our district). It has been pointed out to them--but they deny that is the case and won't listen to anything that is said.

As for them reaching out to dh's ex, that is because whenever they asked dh for time with him, dh says, ok, but don't forget about dd either. They claim they can't "handle" 3 kids at a time, yet they will take dh's sisters kids all the time (there is 5 total there). He will confront them about it, and finally after many times of only getting one of the kids and saying they'd get the other another time and not doing it, dh says, all or none. So that's why they are trying to go through the ex to get time, so that dh doesn't know about it or can't say anything about the other kids not being included.

Same with birthdays. We had parties, they would only come to one, claiming to have plans on the others birthdays. We quit having family parties or we just took the kids somewhere instead and did a friend party. The will send a gift to the ex's and I guess hope that dh doesn't hear about it. Then say, well you need to remind me........it's written on the calendar every Jan by dh now......still no change there. So can't really say anything to them when they are sending the gift to the ex's house. And they are kids, so when he comes over and talks about what he got for his birthday, my daughter hears and it does hurt her feelings. She's 9, I wish I could tell her not to let it, but when she can get something one year and then nothing for 2 years while he gets something, it's hard to understand at that age. Our dd is 6, so not quite old enough to understand but already old enough that she doesn't really ask to see them and when we are over just avoids them anymore.

It's hard to cut ties, but I guess that's just what is going to happen.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have to ask why you would still give them pic's if they are not displaying them? I would have cut that off long ago and they would have to ask me for one.

It sounds like you have figured out the rest. regarding parties, etc..

I would just continue to distance myself and be unavailable to them. No need to "cut off", distancing yourself is better in the long run. That way you have the option to pick and choose stuff.

Since they don't visit or beat down your door for all the kids it should be pretty easy.

 

[disykat]

It sounds like this may partly be a boy/girl thing? Good for you for trying to put an end to it.

 

[nutterbutter2010]

I would probably ignore it. If my kids say something about the pic's, I would tell them to go ask grandma.

Wow, real nice. Putting your child in the line of fire to get hurt. Sorry, but with this, I'm glad your not my mother.

 

[sbell111]

I'd be saying SO LONG to them. The damage they are doing to your children isn't OK. They are not worth it.

Agreed.

 

[Frantasmic]

Where does the favored grandchild fit in the order of things? Is he the first grandchild? Is he the first grandson?

The daughter/sister who has five kids; could she be poisoning the well behind your backs with her mother or do her five kids get along with all 3 of your kids.

There's really not much you can do. If your has husband has been as forceful as you claim, the whole family should really limit contact with them. However, that does place the boy at a disadvantage.

I'd sit down with your husband and compile a list of 6-8 things that, despite what they claim, show favoritism whether they see it or not. They can not claim it all they want to, but their actions definitely speak louder than words. It probably really isn't a child favoritism as it is a DIL (you) issue that they don't want to bring up, since it is your children, even one by their son, that they try to avoid.

 

[DisneyBabies]

We had a very similar situation to yours (although no step children) and the one piece of advice I can give you is this:

Your primary job as a parent is to protect your children. Period. That includes emotional hurts as well as physical ones. If that means you have to protect them from family members, then so be it. It is bad enough that your DD9 is aware of what is happening, but your DD6 soon will be too and if it hurts your children, you have to take care of it (I'm sorry, but please don't send the kids off to ask grandma why they are young enough that you need to take care of it for them since it obviously won't make the in-laws feel bad if the kids come asking why and it may just make the kids feel worse).

My in-laws are not allowed to see my children anymore . . . EVER. DD was just up there to visit Godparents (BIL and his wife) in March when we took DS to WDW and at first they didn't even know DD would be there, but one of DNephews messed up and let it slip. One hour after DBIL called to let us know, we got a call from the inlaws "just to see what was going on". DH made no mention of the trip while on the call and as he was about to hang up, they asked when we planned on coming for a visit. DH said "Not anytime soon" . After another phone call a week later, they did finally mention that they knew about the trip and asked when they would get to see DD. DH told them they wouldn't and, of course, they went on and on about how she is their only granddaughter and they love her and blah, blah, blah. DH told them that their choices put us in a position where our kids don't know them and we won't have our kids used to help the inlaws prove to their friends what great grandparents they are and that DD is not like a toy (only word he could think of ) to be acknowledged only when they want to be a part of her life. And it is past too late to fix it. We moved a few months later and DH refused to let them know.

On the rare occasion that DIL's (and that does not mean Dear) call, they only talk to DH. The kids and I haven't spoken to them in more than 3 years. My DS is 5 and they have only called on his birthday once. DD3 has never been called on her birthday. DH has had no mention of B-day or Father's day in 5 years.

We sent them pictures of the kids as well at first but once DBIL and DSIL told us the pictures were not being displayed, we decided to save our money. They didn't attend our wedding because their names weren't on the wedding invitation but they thought they could come down the week before or the week after the wedding to visit newborn DS. DSIL's parents whom we are very close to stepped in and acted as DH's parents at the wedding and that meant so much more to both of us than if his parents had shown up. If they ever buy gifts for the kids they are totally inappropriate; they sent a porcelain doll for DD for Christmas . . . she was 10 months old . They expect us to come visit and call them; they don't think they should have to make the effort. The last straw was when we realized they were treating our kids as after thoughts while treating the other grandkids (two of whom live as far away as we do) like royalty. We have decided if you can't do for one, you don't do for any and that any means ANY of the grandkids, not just ours. And although none of DH's siblings will give specific details, the DIL's apparently speak very badly about DH and I and on at least one occasion have said something about DS (whom they haven't seen since he was 3) to which the siblings thoroughly ripped the DIL's and not once has DS been mentioned since. When DH was very sick and in and out of the hospital for 2 months in 2008 the siblings tried to tell them and the DIL's said they don't care because he is mean and treats them horribly.

We are done and refuse to have anything to do with them (although DH won't return a phone call if they leave a message, he won't ignore a phone call either). Is it easy? Not for DH although it is a little easier for me . But it is what we have to do for the emotional health and safety of our family. It is their loss, not ours. We have two beautiful, loving, happy children (so far at least ) and they have enough other relatives who love them that those two are not missed.

The fact that you and your DH have tried to bring this situation to their attention is wonderful, but by now, you are not going to change them and you have to put your kids first. All of your kids.

I hope you and your DH find the right path for your family soon .

 

[PaddingtonBear]

I wouldn't cut ties without a very specific conversation first about what they need to do to maintain ties. You can't make people feel a certain way, and you can't make them love your children, but you can make them acknowledge your children and meet some guidelines. Have your DH sit down for a face-to-face with them and explain what they're doing to hurt you, they may have no clue.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Wow, real nice. Putting your child in the line of fire to get hurt. Sorry, but with this, I'm glad your not my mother.

I am sure my kids share your thought.

Look at some point your kids need to know the truth from the person that is causing the crap. I don't play games. The OP has stated she has tried everything. At some point you if your child wants to know why their picture is not up there a child has a right to ask.

eta...

I don't care about pics on the wall to begin with. However the other stuff the OP's MIL does is mean.