Dealing with friends that well are.... in a word... Cheap

[mi*vida*loca]

Yes, the no separate checks is a preference and a restaurant policy not because it can’t be done. I think it’s viewed as acceptable where you’re at because it’s probably the norm there. (Are you in NY?) So the servers have no problem telling people no because most customers assume they’ll have to throw in cash to split the group bill. In other parts of the country where the assumption is automatically that everyone in a party is paying separately, the server has no hesitation about giving 5, 10, or even 25 separate checks.

If four couples came in separately to have dinner, they would of course give each table a separate check so what’s really the difference if the four couples are sitting together and the same server is helping them? I would think the server would also make out better on tips doing multiple checks than one large check shared by the group.

Im in NJ. It definitely is a preference. There are also restaurants who will only take maximum 2 cards per check. So when we go out to eat as a group, and it’s not a place we’re familiar with, we take cash.

 

[tvguy]

Please give an example or 2 of you wearing it proudly amongst friends or family like the OP . It's one thing to be cheap within the complexity of yourself or with your SO, but dining out, vacations with other couples? I'm curious did you do "cheap" with others just because you could?

No sure what you are asking. My last meal out, our friends ordered filet and my wife and I burgers. but they paid 100% of their tab and we paid 100% of our tab. I always pay my own way but I'm not afraid to spend less than the folks I am with.

 

[ronandannette]

No sure what you are asking. My last meal out, our friends ordered filet and my wife and I burgers. but they paid 100% of their tab and we paid 100% of our tab. I always pay my own way but I'm not afraid to spend less than the folks I am with.

I think she was referring all the way back to the OP, lo these 9 pages ago. Did you behave in ways that took advantage of the people you were with just because you didn't want to spend your own money? Things like being very skimpy contributing to joint events but taking full advantage of what others have contributed? Things like expecting to use the club memberships of others rather than buy your own? Things like always insisting others drive to save you the trouble and expense? There were other examples there too, but I forget the rest.

 

[RamblingMad]

No sure what you are asking. My last meal out, our friends ordered filet and my wife and I burgers. but they paid 100% of their tab and we paid 100% of our tab. I always pay my own way but I'm not afraid to spend less than the folks I am with.

I always ask for separate checks. The tech is there these days. No reason to ever split a check.

 

[Travel60]

I am a light eater ....I joke that I've been on a diet since age 12. My usual dinner out is an appetizer and a side salad. I do like a glass of wine. DH on the other hand is a big eater...often an app, a salad or soup, an entree (steak/lobster) and dessert but only water to drink. If we are out with one or two other couples, we often ask for separate checks. If that doesn't work, we will quickly work out with the other couple(s) if one party's should be more or less and one of us will throw in an extra $10. If a bigger group (rare), we just divide it equally. We've both had experience with others who whipped out a calculator and tried to add up what each person in a big group owed. No thanks.

 

[tvguy]

I always ask for separate checks. The tech is there these days. No reason to ever split a check.

Well, our friend is one of those " I want every reward point I can get on my credit card" people. So she pays the check with her credit card, and I give her the cash for our portion of the bill and tip.

 

[crazymomof4]

Well, I certainly hope you and your DH stuck to your guns and only paid for what you ordered.

The dilwads and dingleberrys who overorder then suggest splitting the check evenly are ALWAYS the ones who want their meals subsidized by others. And their secret weapon is trying to embarrass others by calling them cheap.

Tell ‘em where they can shove those empty booze bottles or glasses.

Yes we DID!

 

[Welsh_Dragon]

Yes, the no separate checks is a preference and a restaurant policy not because it can’t be done. I think it’s viewed as acceptable where you’re at because it’s probably the norm there. (Are you in NY?) So the servers have no problem telling people no because most customers assume they’ll have to throw in cash to split the group bill. In other parts of the country where the assumption is automatically that everyone in a party is paying separately, the server has no hesitation about giving 5, 10, or even 25 separate checks.

If four couples came in separately to have dinner, they would of course give each table a separate check so what’s really the difference if the four couples are sitting together and the same server is helping them? I would think the server would also make out better on tips doing multiple checks than one large check shared by the group.

Some credit cards, like Revolut, have a split the bill function on their App. It is really easy to use.

 

[Welsh_Dragon]

I think people are still misinterpreting the word "mean". The poster who used that word Welsh Dragon, who (I presume) is not American. In the UK, "mean" means someone who is tight with money--I believe the word is used to describe Mr. Scrooge in "A Christmas Carol".

OTOH, I think it's a pretty mean thing to do, taking advantage of friends and making snide remarks like the OP describes. But, that's not what was meant by Welsh Dragon's comment. WD, please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

Exactly right. Sorry for the confusion everyone.

 

[slo]

Well, our friend is one of those " I want every reward point I can get on my credit card" people. So she pays the check with her credit card, and I give her the cash for our portion of the bill and tip.

I am that friend - everyone teases me about it - LOL!

 

[BonnieJean925]

love hearing the cheap friends stories lol

 

[LovesTimone]

Different priorities. I wear the "Cheap" label proudly. Being cheap is how put two kids through private school K-12 and how we retired several years before full Social Security retriement age.

OP Here...

Do you think that it's okay how they go about being cheap? Please explain... I am not understanding your point...

 

[kymom99]

OP Here...

Do you think that it's okay how they go about being cheap? Please explain... I am not understanding your point...

Not when they impose their ways in others

 

[Miffy]

My take on it is this: Do you value your friendship with these people? If so, accept who they are and shrug off anything that bothers you that doesn't directly impact you and stop complaining. Complaining--unfortunately!--doesn't make problems go away. If only.

If these people have become mostly a source of complaints and friction to you, then face the fact that you are kidding yourself that these people are your friends. They're not and you're not their friend.

You can't change how other people behave, as much as that would seem to be a fantastic solution to your gripes with this couple.

 

[LovesTimone]

This actually ended a friendship for us. Same situation as you. Married couple and they both had incredible jobs. Look normal. Keep themselves really nice and polished. But by far the cheapest people we have ever known.

Many uncomfortable situations on fun group trips that I won't get into. Other couples started dropping out just to avoid them. We stopped traveling with them when they asked us to bring food back to their room from the $27 a person breakfast buffet we were excited to try. No. Just no. They got very offended we didn't comply. So things cooled off with the travel.

But the straw that broke the camel's back were our "house gatherings". Once a month, we would take turns hosting a dinner. It was so fun and we all tried to out do each other with charcuterie boards and fancy desserts, as well as excellent main courses. And then amazing cocktails. There are 5 couples that were involved in this, and the cheap couple did eventually open up their (very nice) home to host. It was so mortifying. There were 10 of us, so they had 10 sausages and 10 buns. A case of very cheap beer and one pack of EXPIRED Wal Mart cupcakes with that big yellow tag on them that showed they were marked down. I was scared to eat the sausage because I figured they had to have come from a previous pack of something old. Everyone stayed an hour and left. Where as all of our other dinners lingered almost until midnight. This cheap couple enjoyed the fine wines and foods that other people served, yet refused to reciprocate. It was almost like a mental illness to ration the food like that.

They have called/ texted a few times to ask when the next get together is. Covid has sort of been a blessing to use as an excuse. We really slowed down with meeting up with friends because of coronavirus. But once things pick up again, I really have no interest in hanging out with these strange people that I one time liked.

Oh here..

I hear what you are laying down for sure... T
here are about 6 to 10 couples that we get together at each others houses, everyone would go all out for these get together's as well. So when we were the host and hostess, really the only thing I would ask people to bring is there own adult beverages, and ice or something simple.. like a 12 pack of coke or ginger-ale... nothing to hard.. I love making fancy pants appetizers, then DH would grill up something, some type of baked potatoes, and some type of salad, and we have a bunch of cookie monsters in the group, so some type of cookies, or cookie bars, kinda thing... Everyone had their specialty that they would showcase when it was their turn...

So the last time that they hosted the couple we are taking about... , she asked everyone to bring a covered dish, and we all show up, and she has gotten KFC 20 piece bucket of chicken... and there are 8 couples including them so 16 adults and only 20 piece of chicken... and they thought nothing of it... Thankfully I brought baked beans with hamburger meat in them as well with grilled sausage on top, another couple brought some shredded BBQ pork and king Hawaiian buns for sliders, or that would have been the only meat...

I will say we did have a good time ... On the way home DH said never again at their house, I said why??? and he said you will never believe it... I was like what... My DH went to take out the kitchen trash, and went into the garage, our host was in the trash digging out the red solo cups, and the clear plastic plates, and plastic utensils ( Forks, knives, spoons) along with the foil, and ziploc, and those tinfoil container things ( the aluminium pan that I had brought the baked beans in)... He looked at DH and said this is good stuff, and I'm not throwing it away... we can reuse it for the next party... I wondered why DH had this look of horror on his face when he came back in from taking the trash out. Then he said lets go...
Later on one of the other guys who was hosting our next get together... told the other guys standing around the grill, that the couple in question the hostess was telling him how much a 20 piece bucket of chicken meal cost, even with a coupon, and then she said we got 5 sides and some biscuits that we put up to eat later on in the week ... so he gave her 45.00 dollars, and she took it!!!! and he said to her - really how cheap are you guys? Please... just stay away from us, and we are leaving... I knew something had happened, because they left abruptly... This was right before the covid shut down...

 

[ronandannette]

Oh here..

I hear what you are laying down for sure... T
here are about 6 to 10 couples that we get together at each others houses, everyone would go all out for these get together's as well. So when we were the host and hostess, really the only thing I would ask people to bring is there own adult beverages, and ice or something simple.. like a 12 pack of coke or ginger-ale... nothing to hard.. I love making fancy pants appetizers, then DH would grill up something, some type of baked potatoes, and some type of salad, and we have a bunch of cookie monsters in the group, so some type of cookies, or cookie bars, kinda thing... Everyone had their specialty that they would showcase when it was their turn...

So the last time that they hosted the couple we are taking about... , she asked everyone to bring a covered dish, and we all show up, and she has gotten KFC 20 piece bucket of chicken... and there are 8 couples including them so 16 adults and only 20 piece of chicken... and they thought nothing of it... Thankfully I brought baked beans with hamburger meat in them as well with grilled sausage on top, another couple brought some shredded BBQ pork and king Hawaiian buns for sliders, or that would have been the only meat...

I will say we did have a good time ... On the way home DH said never again at their house, I said why??? and he said you will never believe it... I was like what... My DH went to take out the kitchen trash, and went into the garage, our host was in the trash digging out the red solo cups, and the clear plastic plates, and plastic utensils ( Forks, knives, spoons) along with the foil, and ziploc, and those tinfoil container things ( the aluminium pan that I had brought the baked beans in)... He looked at DH and said this is good stuff, and I'm not throwing it away... we can reuse it for the next party... I wondered why DH had this look of horror on his face when he came back in from taking the trash out. Then he said lets go...
Later on one of the other guys who was hosting our next get together... told the other guys standing around the grill, that the couple in question the hostess was telling him how much a 20 piece bucket of chicken meal cost, even with a coupon, and then she said we got 5 sides and some biscuits that we put up to eat later on in the week ... so he gave her 45.00 dollars, and she took it!!!! and he said to her - really how cheap are you guys? Please... just stay away from us, and we are leaving... I knew something had happened, because they left abruptly... This was right before the covid shut down...

Why did you become friends with them in the first place? Why have you stayed friends? Is it just habit, like they’re fixtures in the group, or do they really add something to your lives? Are they warm and supportive and always there when you need them? Is there a ton of shared history that binds you together? What, if any, part of the relationship is worth holding onto? I’d mull this side of it over and factor it all in.

 

[Heigh-Ho]

Oh here..

I hear what you are laying down for sure... T
here are about 6 to 10 couples that we get together at each others houses, everyone would go all out for these get together's as well. So when we were the host and hostess, really the only thing I would ask people to bring is there own adult beverages, and ice or something simple.. like a 12 pack of coke or ginger-ale... nothing to hard.. I love making fancy pants appetizers, then DH would grill up something, some type of baked potatoes, and some type of salad, and we have a bunch of cookie monsters in the group, so some type of cookies, or cookie bars, kinda thing... Everyone had their specialty that they would showcase when it was their turn...

So the last time that they hosted the couple we are taking about... , she asked everyone to bring a covered dish, and we all show up, and she has gotten KFC 20 piece bucket of chicken... and there are 8 couples including them so 16 adults and only 20 piece of chicken... and they thought nothing of it... Thankfully I brought baked beans with hamburger meat in them as well with grilled sausage on top, another couple brought some shredded BBQ pork and king Hawaiian buns for sliders, or that would have been the only meat...

I will say we did have a good time ... On the way home DH said never again at their house, I said why??? and he said you will never believe it... I was like what... My DH went to take out the kitchen trash, and went into the garage, our host was in the trash digging out the red solo cups, and the clear plastic plates, and plastic utensils ( Forks, knives, spoons) along with the foil, and ziploc, and those tinfoil container things ( the aluminium pan that I had brought the baked beans in)... He looked at DH and said this is good stuff, and I'm not throwing it away... we can reuse it for the next party... I wondered why DH had this look of horror on his face when he came back in from taking the trash out. Then he said lets go...
Later on one of the other guys who was hosting our next get together... told the other guys standing around the grill, that the couple in question the hostess was telling him how much a 20 piece bucket of chicken meal cost, even with a coupon, and then she said we got 5 sides and some biscuits that we put up to eat later on in the week ... so he gave her 45.00 dollars, and she took it!!!! and he said to her - really how cheap are you guys? Please... just stay away from us, and we are leaving... I knew something had happened, because they left abruptly... This was right before the covid shut down...

All of the couples seem to be doing just as much judging about this couple as you complain they do to you. All your comments are about judging them. This couple doesn't sound like the best of couples, they have learned the art of mooching and they have questionable hosting skills. On the other hand everyone seems very focused on what they spend well don't spend which is just like you complain they are very focused on what you spend.

I don't know why you continued being around this couple. I mean no rudeness but I feel mature adults would have left the friendship long ago. So I'm left wondering if there's something you and the other couples get out of continuing a friendship with this couple. Where's the benefit for everyone if you still engaged in a friendship of sorts time after time after time of grievances.

 

[belle032]

Well, our friend is one of those " I want every reward point I can get on my credit card" people. So she pays the check with her credit card, and I give her the cash for our portion of the bill and tip.

This is totally me. Gotta get those airline miles! But honestly, it is SO EASY to share the cost of meals now, especially with Venmo/Paypal, that it's ridiculous to assume the check needs to always be shared evenly and people can't cover their portion.

Oh here..

I hear what you are laying down for sure... T
here are about 6 to 10 couples that we get together at each others houses, everyone would go all out for these get together's as well. So when we were the host and hostess, really the only thing I would ask people to bring is there own adult beverages, and ice or something simple.. like a 12 pack of coke or ginger-ale... nothing to hard.. I love making fancy pants appetizers, then DH would grill up something, some type of baked potatoes, and some type of salad, and we have a bunch of cookie monsters in the group, so some type of cookies, or cookie bars, kinda thing... Everyone had their specialty that they would showcase when it was their turn...

So the last time that they hosted the couple we are taking about... , she asked everyone to bring a covered dish, and we all show up, and she has gotten KFC 20 piece bucket of chicken... and there are 8 couples including them so 16 adults and only 20 piece of chicken... and they thought nothing of it... Thankfully I brought baked beans with hamburger meat in them as well with grilled sausage on top, another couple brought some shredded BBQ pork and king Hawaiian buns for sliders, or that would have been the only meat...

I will say we did have a good time ... On the way home DH said never again at their house, I said why??? and he said you will never believe it... I was like what... My DH went to take out the kitchen trash, and went into the garage, our host was in the trash digging out the red solo cups, and the clear plastic plates, and plastic utensils ( Forks, knives, spoons) along with the foil, and ziploc, and those tinfoil container things ( the aluminium pan that I had brought the baked beans in)... He looked at DH and said this is good stuff, and I'm not throwing it away... we can reuse it for the next party... I wondered why DH had this look of horror on his face when he came back in from taking the trash out. Then he said lets go...
Later on one of the other guys who was hosting our next get together... told the other guys standing around the grill, that the couple in question the hostess was telling him how much a 20 piece bucket of chicken meal cost, even with a coupon, and then she said we got 5 sides and some biscuits that we put up to eat later on in the week ... so he gave her 45.00 dollars, and she took it!!!! and he said to her - really how cheap are you guys? Please... just stay away from us, and we are leaving... I knew something had happened, because they left abruptly... This was right before the covid shut down...

Based on the examples you've given, I would be done with this couple at this point and start distancing myself. If this couple has more to offer other than the constant putdowns, questioning, and negative behavior, and you think the relationship can be salvaged, then I would speak directly to them about your concerns first. Lay some ground rules for the friendship to continue and if they can't follow them, I would cut ties.

They are taking advantage of you and your other friends. Life is short and no one has time for this toxicity in their lives.

 

[Donald13]

To dig in the trash to reuse plastic goods is straight up disgusting. Just buy paper plates or go to dollar tree for cheap plates. I’d never see this couple again.

 

[ronandannette]

This is totally me. Gotta get those airline miles! But honestly, it is SO EASY to share the cost of meals now, especially with Venmo/Paypal, that it's ridiculous to assume the check needs to always be shared evenly and people can't cover their portion...

It world really irk me if a companion always expected me to arrange payment directly to them so they could collect the points. Yes, I’m paying anyway but how is that different than the person who mooches rides and tells the driver “Well, you were going there anyway...”

To dig in the trash to reuse plastic goods is straight up disgusting. Just buy paper plates or go to dollar tree for cheap plates. I’d never see this couple again.

Countless environmentalists world-wide would disagree with you. Of course it would be better that they’d never gone in the garbage in the first place and had been put straight in the sink for washing but reusing perfectly serviceable goods instead of throwing them away isn’t a totally crazy thing to do.