Dealing with friends that well are.... in a word... Cheap

[kerry1379]

My impression-They are either 1. Moochers like others have said above and will continue doing what they are doing as that is who they are. If so, like others, I would let that friendship fade. 2. And this is my stronger impression; they are in seriously deep debt (despite how things look from the outside with the iincome and home and such) and are unwilling to face it and make the changes they need to make. They want to keep up the lifestyle at all costs. Unfortunately that sounds like that too will result in the end of the friendship. I think most of us would take rather kindly if a friend approached us in confidence and said "Hey, we are really struggling financially. I want to keep doing stuff with y'all, please don't forget us. But we won't always be able to join you. I hope you understand." . But going about it as they have has made it unpleasant and crossed several lines. If they are in debt, they need to take responsibility for it, not expect y'all too.

 

[tasha99]

I think there has been a misunderstanding. I am not suggesting that the OP is being mean; I was referring to the ‘cheap’ couple as being mean.

I read your post and wondered . . . do you mean "mean"as unkind or cheap? Either would work, but not mean the same thing.

Some of the things in this thread wouldn't bother me. My BFF and I have some lovely Costco dates because she doesn't shop there enough to warrant her own membership. A morning shopping together and then stopping at the food court (pre-pandemic) was cheap fun for us. But it was a few times a year, not even a monthly thing.

I also don't get the idea that a couple splitting an entree is bad. I mean, people should be able to eat what they want. Where it crosses over into cheap is if that couple eats other people's appetizers without pitching in on the cost, or doesn't tip appropriately for their share.

 

[Christine]

I read your post and wondered . . . do you mean "mean"as unkind or cheap? Either would work, but not mean the same thing.

Some of the things in this thread wouldn't bother me. My BFF and I have some lovely Costco dates because she doesn't shop there enough to warrant her own membership. A morning shopping together and then stopping at the food court (pre-pandemic) was cheap fun for us. But it was a few times a year, not even a monthly thing.

I also don't get the idea that a couple splitting an entree is bad. I mean, people should be able to eat what they want. Where it crosses over into cheap is if that couple eats other people's appetizers without pitching in on the cost, or doesn't tip appropriately for their share.

I'm betting your friend wouldn't call you up and complain to you that you left her behind if you decided to make a trip to Costco on your own.

 

[Welsh_Dragon]

I read your post and wondered . . . do you mean "mean"as unkind or cheap?

I meant stingy, ungenenerous, tight-fisted, ‘cheap’. Now I understand the reactions to my post. Thank you.

 

[Princessclab]

Perhaps they have some debts that you are not aware of. I cannot abide meanness.

Agree, the 'cheap' couple is being quite mean, disrespecful and controlling of others they call friends. This couple are not friends, friends don't try to control you and put pressure on you.
If they have debts then say no to the extras and don't expect others to foot the bill for your excessive spending.
Quite selfish.

 

[VandVsmama]

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, DH lived the 1st 2 years of our marriage in his home town and we'd occasionally go out to dinner w/his childhood BFF and wife. This one time, we went to have dinner at a local Mexican restaurant that DH & his family had been going to for YEARS...he went there so often that the owner knew him by name...a local family-owned & operated place.

The menu clearly stated that guacamole was an extra $0.75. 75 CENTS! This was back in 1996, so ages ago and even then, 75 cents for guacamole was not a big deal.

The check came and the wife flipped out over the $0.75. Argued loudly with the server. Insisted that the guacamole was "included" since the wife had told the server to "just substitute it with the sour cream" and the wife had ignored the server saying multiple times that guacamole was a $0.75 upcharge.

The wife argued so loudly that it was embarrassing. I mean, other people in the restaurant were looking over at our table...THAT kind of loud.

in the meantime, DH excused himself to go to the bathroom while the wife continued to moan and groan loudly over something that was the price of 3 newspapers...but DH went to the cashier instead and paid for the entire bill for us and the couple we were eating with (originally it was going to be us splitting the bill).

Then he came back to the table and said, "ok, all set! Ready to go? We're all paid up."

DH's BFF & wife were embarrassed, said, "Oh, you didn't have to do that," but the wife then continued to complain about the $0.75.

We never went to eat out with them at a restaurant ever again after that. We're still friends with them and we now live a long way away from them. But we do not regret halting the meals out with that couple because the wife was cheap, stingy, and didn't tip well...she has always claimed that it's because she has high standards since she used to wait tables at Carrows (in CA) way back in the day. Nope, sorry, that doesn't give you the right to be rude to people.

 

[georgina]

The behavior in the OP would drive us nuts. We don't talk about money like that or impose on others. However,

We had a cookout once and invited a couple we had recently met. They arrived with some cupcakes she had made, which were on a styrofoam plate covered with foil. At the end of the night she asked me for the paper plate and foil back. I laughed thinking she was kidding. She wasn’t and she had me dig them out of the trash. I decided to give her another chance and I picked her up to take her with me to another friends snd she had clothesline strung across her kitchen with paper towels and ziplock bags clipped to it, drying them for reuse. She seemed so normal but did some weird things to save money

I don't reuse paper towels but I absolutely wash Ziploc freezer bags and use them again; usually what was in them was wrapped up separately anyway. I wouldn't ask for a styrofoam plate and foil back from a party, but if I use a piece of foil to cover a pan of brownies it will get reused to heat something in the toaster oven. My parents & DH's were all depression era folks, much more frugal than us and we are quite so. We used to laugh at one BIL because he always bragged how much he spent on something, whereas in our family it was how little you spent that was important.

 

[tasha99]

I'm betting your friend wouldn't call you up and complain to you that you left her behind if you decided to make a trip to Costco on your own.

Exactly. She also meets me there and doesn't expect a ride. It's fun for both of us because she doesn't take advantage.

 

[lorimay]

Years ago we had friends we socialized with, it was the wife only though, she was so frugal, she would not order food and pick off her husbands plate. He would tell her to order dinner, he hated she did this.
But she was this way with everything, she would not spend money on anything "fun".
They both had very good careers, as in their mortgage was paid off by the time they were in their 30's.
A few years into the marriage, he found a girl that was happy to spend his money and he left his wife and went with the other one, she spent him into a hole big time.....

 

[KittyKitty]

I am the cheap person. My mind just goes there. But thank heaven I have family and friends who tell me when I've gone over the line. Their running joke is when someone asked for a stick of gum, I gave them a half piece.

 

[Christine]

Years ago we had friends we socialized with, it was the wife only though, she was so frugal, she would not order food and pick off her husbands plate. He would tell her to order dinner, he hated she did this.
But she was this way with everything, she would not spend money on anything "fun".
They both had very good careers, as in their mortgage was paid off by the time they were in their 30's.
A few years into the marriage, he found a girl that was happy to spend his money and he left his wife and went with the other one, she spent him into a hole big time.....

Seems like he couldn't find a moderate partner!

 

[GreatLakes]

Some people are just cheap or they prioritize other items. There is nothing wrong with that. The entire OP is just bizarre. If I'm out with someone and they order a $100 drink I'm not going to comment on it even if I think it is a waste of money. The problem with the couple isn't that they are cheap, it is that they are donkey holes about it.

 

[moniqueand2]

Some good ideas on how to deal with this situation have been mentioned. I would not invite them to a restaurant, but if they call you, respond yes and ask them to choose so they can "pick the price point." Maybe even say pick somewhere where one meal is enough, no apps as they don't like them. They may get it then.

To have the a talk with them, I'd save it for traveling especially if you ever go anywhere that is not an all inclusive. In this situation, you should let them know that staying in a different hotel, different restaurants, etc. is causing a problem and really if they want to go they should evaluate if they can do what everyone is doing and only go if that is the case.

As far as ordering drinks, some people cannot get over the sticker shock of drinks when traveling. So, unfortunately, I'd just ignore them on this one. But that is just me.

 

[Colleen27]

I agree with the people who have said there's a difference between frugal and cheap, and an even clearer line between simply deciding on one's own spending priorities and trying to mooch off of others to have things that cost more than what they're comfortable spending.

Our social circle includes couples with a pretty wide range of income levels/financial situations, and accommodating those who can't responsibly spend as much as others might isn't a problem. We can have just as good a time at a backyard BBQ or trip to the beach as we can going out for a nice dinner or to a show. But no one in those situations is trying to take advantage of the rest and no one resents the occasional get-together that is out of reach any more than something that just isn't interesting to everyone or is scheduled when someone has a conflict (and since we all have kids and most also have aging parents, that happens often enough). But no one is commenting on what the others spend or trying to get someone else to pick up the tab for things they want but don't care to spend on. That's the part that would cross a line for me - not the friends being cheap in their own spending but the constant critique of what others are spending, the wet-blanket attitude about things that cost more than they deem acceptable, and the attempts to mooch off of others to avoid spending themselves.

 

[VandVsmama]

The first few times our family went to Disneyland, my DH acted like the OP's friends. It got to be so bad that even just being around DH at DL was a royal pain in the neck. Incessant whining and complaining all day long whenever we spent more than $10 on food. Then he'd complain about "having to get the kids 2 separate meals when they could share 1 kids' meal." OMG, don't get me started on that...1 - the kids never wanted to eat the same thing; and 2 - even at the age of 4, my kids needed their own separate kids' meals.

I finally reached a point where, like the OP, I'd gotten fed up enough and decided, "Enough is enough!" I sat down w/DH and told him that:

1. we budget ahead of time for our food costs for the DL trips
2. nobody's having any fun at meal time when you're spending the entire time complaining about the cost
3. nobody's having any fun at meal time when you're complaining that the kids didn't clean their plates.
4. nobody's having any fun at meal time when you're playing Food Police on vacation.
5. from now on, if you want to join me & the kids on the DL trips, you're not allowed to complain about the food cost while we're on the trip. Not on the drive home. Not on the drive there. Not in the hotel. We'll discuss and agree on the food budget ahead of time just like we always have. And then when we've reached an agreement, if that agreement involves us doing a character meal, you're not going to complain in front of the kids about how much Minnie's breakfast at the Plaza Inn is costing you.
6. When you do this all the time on every DL trip, it pretty much ruins the moment and it's gotten to the point where the kids have now said that they wish that you wouldn't go on the trips. So pick your battles - do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? It IS possible to stick to the food budget and still have a good time. No, DL is not cheap. But we all know that going in. Accept it and move on or don't go. The choice is yours.

Now we have a much better time with him on those trips.

OP - why do you enjoy spending time with them on vacation?

 

[VandVsmama]

I agree with the people who have said there's a difference between frugal and cheap, and an even clearer line between simply deciding on one's own spending priorities and trying to mooch off of others to have things that cost more than what they're comfortable spending.

Our social circle includes couples with a pretty wide range of income levels/financial situations, and accommodating those who can't responsibly spend as much as others might isn't a problem. We can have just as good a time at a backyard BBQ or trip to the beach as we can going out for a nice dinner or to a show. But no one in those situations is trying to take advantage of the rest and no one resents the occasional get-together that is out of reach any more than something that just isn't interesting to everyone or is scheduled when someone has a conflict (and since we all have kids and most also have aging parents, that happens often enough). But no one is commenting on what the others spend or trying to get someone else to pick up the tab for things they want but don't care to spend on. That's the part that would cross a line for me - not the friends being cheap in their own spending but the constant critique of what others are spending, the wet-blanket attitude about things that cost more than they deem acceptable, and the attempts to mooch off of others to avoid spending themselves.

I agree.

And to add to that...
I think that part of the problem with the cheapskate friends of OP's is that they don't respect OP or the other mutual friends they do stuff with. It's like the cheapskate moochers are saying, "I'm not willing to pay that much for a meal, but I don't want YOU to enjoy yourself eating that 'expensive' meal either. So I'm going to mock you, shame you, make snarky comments to you/about you. I'm so insecure in my own personal choices that I need everybody else to be exactly like me. In the meantime, I'm going to openly judge all of you and make you all miserable because I'm having a miserable time, too."

In other words, "I'm more important than you."

 

[mylilnikita]

Yea dump them.

 

[soccerdad72]

The cheapness, I could possibly deal with (it would annoy the heck out of me). Taking advantage of you and expecting you to take them to places like Sam’s Club and the airport on your dime is going way past normal cheapskate stuff and just using you. That would be the end for me.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I also don't get the idea that a couple splitting an entree is bad. I mean, people should be able to eat what they want.

I can't even imagine that being a blip on someone's radar much less judge someone on that. Who cares if you split a hot dog meal (like said in the OP) or an entrée (like said in another comment). If you (general you) are picking up on that then isn't that like the pot calling the kettle black?

 

[Travel60]

Different priorities. I wear the "Cheap" label proudly. Being cheap is how put two kids through private school K-12 and how we retired several years before full Social Security retriement age.

Being cheap is fine (pretty thrifty myself) but you can't complain about everything and expect people to live your cheap life. Just stay home.