Dealing With a Daughter's Breakup - WWYD?

[Nancyg56]

I htink that you handled this well. I would never blame the mom for her son's behavior but would not share information about my DD.

Well, I don't know whether this is an insult or a joke!

But... Considering SIX of those years we were in high school and college, and the fact that we've been married 1.5 of those years... We were engaged for a long while, but we had personal goals we wanted to accomplish before we wed.

But thanks for your unnecessary $0.02

DH and I dated 12 years before we married. We were serious in our relationship but chose not to marry. We are together 30 years at the end of this month. When we did finally marry the Priest started his Welcome with "FINALLY!"

 

[Disney Doll]

As long as you can keep your cool about the breakup when FBing with his mother, then by all means stay friendly. Just be careful that if you post things about DD on FB to limit what ex-BFs mother can see...no need for her to have a blow by blow description of DDs life.

I had a similar dating experience. Was with a fellow for quite a while, not formally engaged but spent some of our time together looking at houses, deciding where we'd live etc.....like your DD, every indication that marriage would be forthcoming. I was a bit older than your DD...25/26 years old...so getting to the "marryin' age".

Then he broke up with me. For no good reason other than I don't think I was someone he wanted to marry. Which was good because then I wouldn't have met my DH.

Your DD is young. She has been tied to this young man since she was 18...it's time for her to live life, date, meet all kinds of people....she'll be fine. My heart was broken for a while, but I got over, learned my lessons form the relationship and moved on. DD will too. And if this man is meant to be in her life, he'll be back.

 

[auntie]

My daughter dated someone for two years that I had grown very fond of. In fact I still received both Mother's Day Flowers and the family Christmas gifts even after they broke up. He'd leave them on our porch at night. He was a great kid, and he felt like he was losing a family, not just a girlfriend. I felt very badly..but also supported by daughters decision to move on. Honestly I loved the kid. The mother in me, felt bad for him. It was my older son who finally said to me "ma..you're not his mother..you're hers". When your kids date someone you like for a while, they become a part of your family. She has dated other people since then. We never got quite as close to anyone else. Too much pressure on the relationship. Now, she's 23 now and with someone for about nine months. I like him very much. I've even heard talk of marriage. Yet, I've learned my lesson. This is HER life, and while I welcome him into our home and treat them as a couple...I've been reluctant to get involved with his family. It's when the families get friendly and intertwined, that it makes it very difficult for the kids to extricate themselves from the relationship they may not want to be in any longer. You want them together for the right reasons, not because they feel obligated to one anothers families. Not at those ages.
Anyway, I know it was the boy who broke up with your daughter, but I imagine some of the feelings are the same. While you didn't see it coming..they have been going out since they were kids. He did your daughter a favor. Believe me, if he doesn't feel the same..it's best you know now. Her heart will ache for a while, but she's young and she'll be wiser and stronger for having gone through this. I think I'd be polite with his mom, but leave it at that. It will be easier for each of them to move on, without the families being connected.
One important thing, since your daughter has been dating him since she was 18, this is a great time for her to really get to know and like HERSELF..without a boyfriend. I know my daughter did this. Spent some time, not dating anyone. Finding out who SHE was, and what SHE liked. I really saw a great deal of personal growth during that time. She blossomed into a independent happy young WOMAN.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I've learned my lesson. This is HER life, and while I welcome him into our home and treat them as a couple...I've been reluctant to get involved.

I agree with Auntie above.

The OP seemed to present this like it is either one of two extremes... either, "Your lame son..." or "We are BFF no matter what".

And, I don't think it is a good idea for parents to be so overly vested in their child's relationships.

 

[DVCLiz]

I agree with Auntie above.

The OP seemed to present this like it is either one of two extremes... either, "Your lame son..." or "We are BFF no matter what".

And, I don't think it is a good idea for parents to be so overly vested in their child's relationships.

I'm sorry you thought those were the only choices I had - nothing could be further from the truth.

I was just interested in how people might view the situation. This is a woman I became friendly with because our children were dating and talking about being married in the future. I'll be friendly on FaceBook unless circumstances change, in which case I'll unfriend her. For those who asked, we did not have a friendship outside of our children dating - we live in different states and would never otherwise have known each other. We are not close enough to maintain a friendship otherwise.

The snippy comment you made about being overly vested in a child's relationship was uncalled for. I love and care about my daughter and I am sad she has been hurt.

 

[Jennasis]

I'm sorry you thought those were the only choices I had - nothing could be further from the truth.

I was just interested in how people might view the situation. This is a woman I became friendly with because our children were dating and talking about being married in the future. I'll be friendly on FaceBook unless circumstances change, in which case I'll unfriend her. For those who asked, we did not have a friendship outside of our children dating - we live in different states and would never otherwise have known each other. We are not close enough to maintain a friendship otherwise.

The snippy comment you made about being overly vested in a child's relationship was uncalled for. I love and care about my daughter and I am sad she has been hurt.

I didn't find her comment snippy at all. Just sayin'.

 

[DVCLiz]

I didn't find her comment snippy at all. Just sayin'.

lol Jennasis - "overly vested" never sounds like a compliment, kwim?

I am sure we will all survive and look back later with a better perspective.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I think it's fine to maintain a friendly relationship with his mom but it will probably just go by the wayside over a short period of time. Your daughter will meet someone new as will he. The ex-boyfriend is very young and apparently doesn't want to settle down yet, there's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make him a bad person, it just wasn't right for both of them.

 

[Wishing on a star]

This time last year I was hosting my daughter's boyfriend and his family for the Thanksgiving weekend - they were our houseguests and we attended a social function together and had Thanksgiving.

the boyfriend's mom and I had a relationship - based on the fact that our children were planning to be married and have our mutual grandchildren. (!) Our families were friendly and had spent time together over the 4 years they had been dating exclusively.

"Not after your d-bag of a son broke my daughter's heart" but the more mature side of me pictures a possible reunion between the two


Just looking for opinions...

So, overly vested, might not be a compliment...
But saying I don't think that parents should be so vested in their child's relationships is hardly 'snippy' or name calling.

If that's what one wants to take away from my post... ohhh well....

OP, look again at these quotes from your original post...
look at the first bolded section.... personal friends and housguests...

Look at the second bolded and underlined... mutual grandchildren...

Look at the third bolded, underlined, italic... D-bag of a son... Possible reunion...

Lastly, you DID ask for our opinions....

My thoughts are that this sounds, very clearly, 'overly vested'.
My thoughts are, that either "d-bag of a son", to "possible reunion", is an either/or of two extremes.
My thoughts are that I would simply let this 'friendship' go by the wayside, unless and until these two young people possibly decide to get back together and set a wedding date. (again, you only listed two extremes, and did not have this as an option)

I do not think it is appropriate to tell this mother off about her son...
I do not think it is appropriate to maintain a 'friendship' with this woman, based on being so vested in what choices these two young people might make in the future.
Sometimes there is something to be said for just letting it go.

Maybe you don't happen to like my opinions.
But, you DID ask.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks, everyone - I sent her a friendly note back saying "of course we will still be friendly". I also said I was sad about the breakup and hadn't seen it coming but that I wished her son and her family the very best. Then I wished her a happy fall and winter and made a comment about something personal she had posted on FaceBook.

I thought that was the appropriate thing to do and my daughter said it was fine too, so that's how I handled it.

I don't want to get into the details because they are not mine to share and also because neither my daughter nor I really know them. The weeks leading up were normal and they continued to talk about and plan for their future. It came as a shock to her and to me (and to all of our friends who had thought of them as a couple for life.)

It's very sad and very hard to watch your daughter go through a breakup. I am sorry for any of you who have gone through it, too.

I am cursed with "do the right thing" disease so I always do the mature, responsible thing even when I feel like going outside and throwing plates at the brick wall - lol.

Now see, with this statement, I do not view the "right thing" as to be friendly with the EXBF's mom. It just feels "wrong" to me.

Sometimes the "right thing" is to let someone go, esp. if you did not have a friendship outside of your kids dating. If you guys were close friends outside of your dd's relationship then I could see maintaining something, because you are friends.

I think you are just trying to be "nice".

To me the "right thing" is to stand by my kid, let the EXBF mom go and move on with life.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Double post??????

 

[DVCLiz]

So, overly vested, might not be a compliment...
But saying I don't think that parents should be so vested in their child's relationships is hardly 'snippy' or name calling.

If that's what one wants to take away from my post... ohhh well....

OP, look again at these quotes from your original post...
look at the first bolded section.... personal friends and housguests...

Look at the second bolded and underlined... mutual grandchildren...

Look at the third bolded, underlined, italic... D-bag of a son... Possible reunion...

Lastly, you DID ask for our opinions....

My thoughts are that this sounds, very clearly, 'overly vested'.
My thoughts are, that either "d-bag of a son", to "possible reunion", is an either/or of two extremes.
My thoughts are that I would simply let this 'friendship' go by the wayside, unless and until these two young people possibly decide to get back together and set a wedding date. (again, you only listed two extremes, and did not have this as an option)

I do not think it is appropriate to tell this mother off about her son...
I do not think it is appropriate to maintain a 'friendship' with this woman, based on being so vested in what choices these two young people might make in the future.

Maybe you don't happen to like my opinions.
But, you DID ask.

OK, then - clearly you are a literal person and some of my comments that weren't to be taken literally went over your head.

Anyway, I am sure it will all work out. Thanks for your comments.

 

[Wishing on a star]

No, actually I am a very 'expressive' person...
I totally understand expressive language, venting, etc....

I also totally understand the actual facts that you have stated.

If you want me to be literal and to the point (sans expressive language).
Here would be my advice....

I would not remain 'friends' with this woman.
I would let it go....

And, having said that, you are right.
It WILL all work out!!!!

 

[pppiglet]

Things are so different now. I dated and lived with my DH for 5 years before we got married. My mom never met his until the day we got married!

 

[disykat]

DVCLiz, I just have to pop on due to the turn of this thread and say I think you're handling it well. It is perfectly natural to mourn the loss of a relationship and also to be a little mad at the other person. Your dd is certainly feeling those things and it's natural you would too.

I agree with you that you are doing the right thing. You aren't cutting ties, you're being friendly. It's not like you two are best friends, you're just remaining cordial. What happened is between your kids and there's no reason to suddenly cut off contact. I'm sure contact will lesson naturally and everyone will move on. I'd leave her on my friend list, be careful to protect my dd's privacy, and gradually move on. IMO, that's very healthy and natural.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think you handled it fine in the end with your update. I agree with others that your children's relationships should not have much to do with yours (either in the first place or now)--so if you were friends it is fine to maintain that. Do be careful in what you say not only about your daughter but about her son. The term you used for him here is pretty harsh and uncalled for and i hope the mother never sees you using such a term about her son (it doesn't sound like he was caught with another girl or dumped your DD over the phone 5 minutes before her big final or some other really bone headed move-so I really do not understand the type of reaction that is indicating coming from you).

I htink that you handled this well. I would never blame the mom for her son's behavior but would not share information about my DD.



DH and I dated 12 years before we married. We were serious in our relationship but chose not to marry. We are together 30 years at the end of this month. When we did finally marry the Priest started his Welcome with "FINALLY!"

It was similar with my sister in law. They were married after 16 years of dating. The wedding was in Hawaii and they commented at one point that they were stunned by how many people came. The reaction from the entire crowd was that after waiting so long we all had to see in person that it really happened.

My daughter dated someone for two years that I had grown very fond of. In fact I still received both Mother's Day Flowers and the family Christmas gifts even after they broke up. He'd leave them on our porch at night. He was a great kid, and he felt like he was losing a family, not just a girlfriend. I felt very badly..but also supported by daughters decision to move on. Honestly I loved the kid. The mother in me, felt bad for him. It was my older son who finally said to me "ma..you're not his mother..you're hers". When your kids date someone you like for a while, they become a part of your family. She has dated other people since then. We never got quite as close to anyone else. Too much pressure on the relationship. Now, she's 23 now and with someone for about nine months. I like him very much. I've even heard talk of marriage. Yet, I've learned my lesson. This is HER life, and while I welcome him into our home and treat them as a couple...I've been reluctant to get involved with his family. It's when the families get friendly and intertwined, that it makes it very difficult for the kids to extricate themselves from the relationship they may not want to be in any longer. You want them together for the right reasons, not because they feel obligated to one anothers families. Not at those ages.
Anyway, I know it was the boy who broke up with your daughter, but I imagine some of the feelings are the same. While you didn't see it coming..they have been going out since they were kids. He did your daughter a favor. Believe me, if he doesn't feel the same..it's best you know now. Her heart will ache for a while, but she's young and she'll be wiser and stronger for having gone through this. I think I'd be polite with his mom, but leave it at that. It will be easier for each of them to move on, without the families being connected.
One important thing, since your daughter has been dating him since she was 18, this is a great time for her to really get to know and like HERSELF..without a boyfriend. I know my daughter did this. Spent some time, not dating anyone. Finding out who SHE was, and what SHE liked. I really saw a great deal of personal growth during that time. She blossomed into a independent happy young WOMAN.

You have a wise son I am often surprised on the DIS by the people who seem to not understand that and put a lot of extra pressure on their kids in dating by being too close.

I agree with Auntie above.

The OP seemed to present this like it is either one of two extremes... either, "Your lame son..." or "We are BFF no matter what".

And, I don't think it is a good idea for parents to be so overly vested in their child's relationships.

I agree. When you have moved from feeling sorry for your DD to feeling that the ex is a "d bag" for having felt differently than she did about the relationship you have gone into the overly vested territory for sure. I also think talking about future grandchildren before the couple is even engaged--much less married is far too invested. DH and I started dating at 18. We were engaged at 22 and married at 23. Had our parents been talking about grandchildren that would have really bothered me--and truthfully might have scared DH away (and yet we had a honeymoon baby--WE could talk about it to each other and be fine with it, but for other people to put that kind of assumption on us would have been too much).

I didn't find her comment snippy at all. Just sayin'.

Agreed

 

[disykat]

Saying on an annonymous message board that "part of you wants to" call him names is not the same thing as doing it.

Seriously, all these people who seem to be claiming they would not have any negative thoughts about someone who broke up with their child need to get real.

My kids are younger so there've been no high stakes involved but "part of me" definitely has some negative thoughts about girls who suddenly break up with my boys without explanation. It's not a big part of me, but it's there. Personally I would think it was weird if it wasn't. I don't think I'd want to meet a mom who didn't have a little mama bear in there somewhere in regards to her children.

 

[Nancyg56]

Saying on an annonymous message board that "part of you wants to" call him names is not the same thing as doing it.

Seriously, all these people who seem to be claiming they would not have any negative thoughts about someone who broke up with their child need to get real.

My kids are younger so there've been no high stakes involved but "part of me" definitely has some negative thoughts about girls who suddenly break up with my boys without explanation. It's not a big part of me, but it's there. Personally I would think it was weird if it wasn't. I don't think I'd want to meet a mom who didn't have a little mama bear in there somewhere in regards to her children.

ITA. My DS had been involved with a young woman who hurt him badly. I had liked the girl but honestly could see this coming. I confess that i was pretty darn angry over the way seh treated him and while I chose to keep these feelings to myself, d-bag was teh kindest thing I called that girl in my own mind. The circimstances were similar-there was no warning, she just broke up with him. Thank goodness he had not been seeing her the length of time the OP's DD was seeing her BF.

Now see, with this statement, I do not view the "right thing" as to be friendly with the EXBF's mom. It just feels "wrong" to me.

.

I wonder. Yes, the OP may be trying to maintain a friendship in order to be nice but I do not think that it is that simple. This was a relationship that lasted 4 years and it is difficult for a parent to manage to walk the proper line with these EX situations. My DH cousin was in a very serious relationship. The couple had even purchased a home together, his Mom had helped them out considerably. The family is a lovely family. She devastated him when she decided she wanted to see another man she reconnected with on FB. That lovely Mom never unfriended any of us and I cannot understand how she maintained her graciousness. DH and I were heartbroken for the young man, he is a good man and never deserved to be treated the way he had been treated. I pray that this never happens to one of my own children but I hope to take a lesson from Donna.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I wonder. Yes, the OP may be trying to maintain a friendship in order to be nice but I do not think that it is that simple. This was a relationship that lasted 4 years and it is difficult for a parent to manage to walk the proper line with these EX situations. My DH cousin was in a very serious relationship. The couple had even purchased a home together, his Mom had helped them out considerably. The family is a lovely family. She devastated him when she decided she wanted to see another man she reconnected with on FB. That lovely Mom never unfriended any of us and I cannot understand how she maintained her graciousness. DH and I were heartbroken for the young man, he is a good man and never deserved to be treated the way he had been treated. I pray that this never happens to one of my own children but I hope to take a lesson from Donna.

Well, in your situation I can see that as very different. In the OP situation, they are ONLY FB "friends" and there is nothing outside of that.

 

[Disneylover79]

Hi--

I think the only opinion that really matters here is that of your daughter.

If you communicating to the former boyfriend's mother would make her unhappy, I would let that guide my decision.

When my son and his wife went their separate ways I was wondering what the relationship would be between my husband and myself and the soon to be former wife and her parents. I certainly didn't want to cause my son any addition pain in the situation by retaining a friendship with any of the people involved.

As it turned out, he was fine with whatever we wanted---BUT the soon to be former DIL put the kibosh on her parents having anything to do with us. So there you go!!

Cathy

I was going to say the exact same thing....ask your daughter what she thinks.