DD's MIL strikes again

[HappyMommy2]

I don't know the background here and I'm sorry some folks are being so hard on you.

I however wouldn't expect my ILs to send pictures of my kids to my parents. They just assume I send the pictures myself, or that my parents have plenty of pictures of their own.

There is a generally a natural jealously between a daughter's mother and mother-in-law (my mom is the best, most loving and gracious lady in the world but I do know she has a tad of secret pain about *sharing* me with another mother) so when you do have some legitimate gripes against your DD's MIL, as it appears from other posts that you do, it's hard to not let things eat you up too much. Try not to let the small stuff (wrong-season clothes, unsent photos) get to you!

 

[marlasmom]

My dd did forward the e-mail photos but I can't open them.

FWIW the in-laws like us - at least to the extent of coming here and staying here and letting us take them out to dinner both here and in Ohio and letting us pick up the check and never saying thank you. My dd tells me that when she and sil go out with them, dd and sil pick up the check and also never get a thank you. She said her BIL and SIL said the same thing.

And yes if we have photos of the baby we send them a copy. At least the ones with only the baby and sometimes with family if they are particularly cute like the baby with all her cousins.

The clothes issue irks me because they didn't do anything when the baby was born - nada. Wait - I take it back - she made the baby a dress and a blanket. She loves to shop for "bargains" and it just seems so pointless to buy stuff that is already too small (mostly) and out of season instead of the stuff she really needs. And yes I bought a couple of adorable dresses on clearance for next summer in an 18 month size.

It isn't that they don't have the $. Her parents paid for their 15 room house and a car and FIL is an executive. She is a minister but she does it only for a little extra money - at least that's what she says.

She just irritates me. She is still giving Sarah some trouble over delivering the baby by c-section even though she was breech. She has plenty of experience with breech babies who were delivered naturally!!! Now that Sarah is no longer nursing there is all H** to pay. Never mind the fact that she pumped milk for 4 months because Megan wouldn't nurse, never mind the fact that Sarah is traveling for her job a little and especially never mind the fact that the doctor is absolutely delighted with the baby's progress.

It irritates me that when the baby started to fuss in a restaurant her uncle (my son) picked her up and took her out and MIL was furious. She would have quieted down she said. My dd, ds, ddil and dsil all said her crying wasn't fair to the other people in the restaurant but Mil could not grasp that. Why does she have to make my dd feel bad?

Although after a strong hint I did send her a case of tangelos from Florida and I did get a thank you note. And they did bring a six-pack of beer the last time they came to stay with us.

I'm sorry if I sound creepy. I guess I am not as gracious as I would like to think I am.

 

[Lessa of Pern]

marlasmom, she sounds like a "winner", but...you're never going to change her...let your dd deal with her as much as possible...it' s not good for your health to stress over the the petty slights and inconsideration she gives you.

 

[4nana]

Having 4 children, we have 4 sets of inlaws . Would you believe from day one, we've considered each other family, are all friends who get along great, enjoy sharing grands BD's and some holidays together, visit occassionally and have even enjoyed taking trips together.

DH and I are retired. Be that as it may, love to help out with our grands, therefore spend more time with them than the other IL's.....just so happens we probably take more pics too . For no reason, none of the pics are shared with IL's, as I feel that is up to our DD/SIL's or DIL/S to share with their folks. So MM, I would not let it bother me . I am sure our IL's have taken pics they have not shared with us....sure not a problem.

Our youngest daughter lives in Wash. and unfortunately, other than phone and email, we do not get to see her and family often. She grad college there 10+ yrs ago, met the love of her life, a nurse, so no surprise, she chose to stay there . Her MIL (who does not want for security) lives in Calif. She frequently visits them, takes grands shopping, contributes regularly to grands college accts, gives DD, SIL and grands nice things, pays for their plane tickets to visit her, etc. You get the picture?!?! We have met on several occassions and the lady is super nice!! Am I jealous or resentful? Heck no! She is wonderful to my DD and grands. They are very close and like each other very much! I am happy she is able to do things for and with them we are not be able to. I am a happy and secure Mom/Nana that loves her children and grands very much.

Fortunately along the way, I have also learned... with age comes wisdom, and I choose not to sweat the small stuff . Life is life and it's best to enjoy it to the fullest, with the least stress possible, for we never know what tomorrow will bring.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

For goodness sakes, you are worrying about things you have no reason to worry over. If your DD and SIL have a problem with the MIL, then it's their battle not yours.

Oh and I think it's time you put the tally card away.

 

[HappyMommy2]

I'm sorry if I sound creepy. I guess I am not as gracious as I would like to think I am.

Marlasmom, you don't sound creepy. You sound like a momma bear who feels very indignant when her "baby" (DD) is slighted. But you should try not to get so stressed out! DD's MIL sounds like a somewhat difficult person but pretty harmless as long as people don't let her get to them. And your DD is a grown woman who is responsible for handling her MIL--let her! I'm sure it just adds stress to your DD's life to know that you are stressed out too, even though I know your DD appreciates your care.

 

[gepetto]

I know I'd have a hard time cooperating with someone who made a judgement about everything I did or bought for my grandchild.

Holy cow...i agree with snoopy. MM, I'm sure the MIL picks up on your attitude. Why the heck would you care if the woman bought baby clothes that wouldn't fit for very long?

 

[DeluxePrincess]

I wouldn't get upset over this. I don't know the history of your daughter's MIL, but not sending pictures via email is no big deal. So she makes poor choices in gifts for the baby? Just laugh about it. It's not worth making your blood pressure rise.

 

[RadioNate]

I've already posted but I will again. These issues are all between your daughter and her MIL. I get that it is frustrating to you that your baby is being hurt. I know my mom feels the exact same way when she thinks about my MIL.

I know in my case my marriage was also strained.

I will say though after 6 years it's my mom and I's relationship that has become the biggest problem.

I've learned to ignore my inlaws. I really don't care one way or another what they think. They can yap until they are blue but they can't get under my skin. DH and I are stronger than ever since I 'let go' of all my negative feelings towards the way his parents treated me. It wasn't his fault they were mean and talking to them about it made the situation worse. However my mom can't let go. Tears come out if we need to share a holiday with them. If the inlaws invite us to something my mom is full of scarcastic remarks. It goes on and on. Her attitude hurts me. I stopping telling my mother things reguarding my inlaws because she just can't let it go and our relationship is being damaged.

Her inlaws aren't you. They aren't going to do things they way you would. Just because you send photos, doesn't mean they have to. My inlaws would never even consider sending my mom an xmas card even though she does every year. I'm sure they are still waiting for a thank you note from my sil for the graduation gift they sent her. That's just they way they are and nothing will change them.

I'm sorry for turing this into a rant about my inlaws. That wasn't my intention. But as I daughter who is going through this between her mom and MIL I wanted to warn you that IF you bring your complaints and critisms to your daughter you will just increase her stress about the situation.

It's more than ok to be supportive when she vents but adding your own judgements isn't helpful in the long run.

Best of luck to your DD. Her MIL sounds like a piece of work. Please let her know that lots of us have been though it and things do get better.

 

[marlasmom]

4Nana - I am not at all surprised. Who wouldn't love you?

 

[bananiem]

It's none of my business but you posted on a public forum and I feel the need to respond.
To me it sounds like she's pretty tactless and doesn't know how to put herself in another person's shoes. That said, if you don't like that they free-load off you when they visit, start having "other plans" so you can't have them visit and stop going to dinner with them.
So she likes to get the baby clothes...I'd prefer that over ignoring her completely! It's her money, let her spend it.
My MIL tends to state her views on things over and over. We finally figured it out- She has the self esteem of a doorknob, possibly less. By stating her view and just nodding our heads she gets to feel important and knowledgable and we can ignore it.
Just because you sent pictures doesn't mean she has to reciprocate.
As for the fussing baby- Yes, most people would be annoyed by the fussing. However, I could see my parents, who only get to see the kids occassionally, not wanting to miss a moment! Some people aren't bothered by a barking dog, others it drives nuts. Same with babies- some people can't stand the fussing, to other people it's no big deal. It's probably not a big deal to her and since your son took her out then she doesn't get to see her.

Honestly, you need to pick your battles and until she tells your dd that she's a horrible mother and turns her into the Dept. of Soc. Services for neglect or abuse, you need to stay out of it. If your dd gets her feelings hurt every time her MIL says something, SHE needs to find a way to deal with it. Not you. Mine has said some hurtful things to me too, but I've learned to take them with a grain of salt and things have gotten better.
My mother has listened to me vent and had the good sense to tell me "She's your children's grandmother. Deal with it."

 

[nativetxn]

I am so anxious to have grandchildren. I hope that my DIL's mother doesn't judge everything that I give the baby.

I will do my very best to be a good grandmother but who knows how I will measure up?

I'm so sorry that you are feeling hurt by your daughter's MIL's efforts.

Katholyn

 

[padams]

I don't know if this is the case in your situation but it seems you have a lot of hostility towards your DD's MIL. My mom does towards my MIL too so I wanted to tell you a little about how it makes me, as the DD, feel. It is very hard on me when she bad mouths DHs mom. I don't really like my MIL much either but for the sake of DH I need to make the relationship work and that is very hard to do when my own mother is nitpicking every action.

I feel the same way about my DM when she complains about my MIL. I wish DM could listen to me without holding a grudge and being judgmental but she can't so I try not to even mention MIL to DM. No one hates their MIL more than I do but I try to remind myself that she brought DH into this world and raised him, and therefore, I should be thankful for her.

Because my DM gets upset by my ILs actions, we do very few things that involve all of the grandparents (no holidays, joint birthday parties, etc.). We include one side fo the family or the other or neither. DSs' school has a grandparent day every year. For several years, DM would attend and then call me afterwards to complain about what MIL said or did. Yes, MIL can be offensive but I just don't want to hear about it. I can't change MIL. Consequently, we now take the boys out of school on grandparent day and none of the grandparents get invited.

Marlasmom- Focus on your DD, SIL and Dgdg, and forget about the ILs. They are not your inlaws. You may poison your relationship with your DD, SIL and Dgdg if you can't control your feelings about the ILs. Who cares if she spends her money on clothes that may never get worn? Would you be upset if she had bought 18 month sized clothes for next summer as you did? The next time the ILs do something that bothers you, just think about the fact that they raised the SIL your DD loves, and without that SIL, you wouldn't have your precious Dgdg. Life is too short to be so focused on the negative.

 

[DisMN]

Oh and I think it's time you put the tally card away.

Thankyou. That's all I tried to get across to MM a long time ago...what's the purpose of keeping track of every time you feel slighted? It's certainly not healthy to view everything the other gramma does or doesn't do with such a critical eye. Relax a bit on your intolerance of the other gramma AND her ideas and you might find out that you like her. Your relationship with the other gramma isn't some sort of contest for goodness sakes.

Stop looking for all the negatives and focus on the good parts. It sounds like the little one is healthy and happy....focus on that.

 

[Tasha+Scott]

Wow! You would absolutely hate my mom and my ILs based on the issues you are currently having with your dd's ILs. My mom just gave me 3 new summer outfits for my 3 month old dd last night. They were on clearance and 3-6 months in size which is dd's current size. Sure, fall stuff will be needed soon but we can still get atleast 2 months worth of wear for the summer clothes here. My ILs have only bought dd 2 outfits so far, but atleast they were nice enough to buy her something. It's not the grandparents' job to clothe my child...it's dh's and mine! I am always grateful to receive clothes despite size or season. I hope your dd felt the same way!

As far as the pictures, my mom and MIL do not send pictures to eachother. I never knew anyone would feel slighted over that and thankfully my mom and MIL don't! I think, and I mean this respectively, it's time to let your dd grow up and make her own decisions when it comes to her MIL. I don't have a great relationship w/my ILs but am thankful my mom stays out of it. She knows I am an adult and can handle things myself. I think you should do what my own mother does for me...let your dd vent to you and then let her handle things herself. I can't help but wonder if you getting involved so much doesn't add some to your dd's stress. It would for me. Just something to think about.

 

[Laura]

Don't sweat the small stuff. I'm assuming there's major history here, but what's posted here is really the small stuff.

 

[lissawynn]

My mom and my MIL have very little contact with one another. We all live close to one another, but they only see each other once in a while. It's actually easier that way. I really don't care for my MIL, but I try to make the best of it when she's around.

 

[Beauty]

I say don't worry about it. Things are so cheap right now if the child only wears something ONCE, heck or even if its sold or handed down later its worth it. I bought 5 shirts at McRaes this weekend for $3.00 each! I bought John and John-Cole Khaki Levi shorts for $6 bucks each at Sports Authority. Things are so cheap its hard to pass them up. I've bought Jadeyn so many clothes there is never anyway she will wear them all but heck I don't care. Its so much fun shopping for her and I don't even know how old she will be!

 

[NCombs]

FWIW the in-laws like us - at least to the extent of coming here and staying here and letting us take them out to dinner both here and in Ohio and letting us pick up the check and never saying thank you. My dd tells me that when she and sil go out with them, dd and sil pick up the check and also never get a thank you. She said her BIL and SIL said the same thing.

And yes if we have photos of the baby we send them a copy. At least the ones with only the baby and sometimes with family if they are particularly cute like the baby with all her cousins.

The clothes issue irks me because they didn't do anything when the baby was born - nada. Wait - I take it back - she made the baby a dress and a blanket. She loves to shop for "bargains" and it just seems so pointless to buy stuff that is already too small (mostly) and out of season instead of the stuff she really needs. And yes I bought a couple of adorable dresses on clearance for next summer in an 18 month size.

It isn't that they don't have the $. Her parents paid for their 15 room house and a car and FIL is an executive. She is a minister but she does it only for a little extra money - at least that's what she says.


Although after a strong hint I did send her a case of tangelos from Florida and I did get a thank you note. And they did bring a six-pack of beer the last time they came to stay with us.

I'm sorry if I sound creepy. I guess I am not as gracious as I would like to think I am.

They don't make you buy dinner, you must do it voluntarily. If you don't like doing it, stop.

Why do you care who is paying between your daughter and her in-laws? They aren't forced to pick up the check.

Just because you send photos, doesn't mean someone else should do the same thing. You CHOOSE to send the photos.

She made the baby a dress and blanket when she was born, but apparently that wasn't enough in your mind. Do you have some kind of dollar amount you think should be spent or something? I would love to have a homemade blanket from a grandparent. I really don't see why you care what the size of the clothes are.

Their money is not your business.

Nobody forced you to send tangelos. If you don't get the response you want, don't do it.

 

[Stacey2grls]

Honestly, it seems your daughter is very lucky. She has 2 grandmothers for her child, and you as a mom. I have 2 daughters 7 and 5, my mother passed away way before my children were born. My MIL lives 2 minutes away, comes by rarely, even though I constantly ask her to come by. Trust me, it's not me, I am a very nice, decent, respectable person, and my children for some unknown reason adore her, she is just too busy with her daughter and her children. My MIL has never and I mean never purchased an item of clothing for my children. And, she is very well off, so, trust me, it could always be worse. Just be happy your granddaugther has so many people that love her so much!