DD12 Called Crying

[LuvCuteBoys]

^^ Yes I agree

why is everyone putting it on the poor 12 year old?

as a mother of a divorced dad, he can only go with what he knows. he felt baad, the first game was stolen from his truck.

he spent time and energy communicating with his side of the family, getting her the upgraded system, with games to go with it. bless him.

how was he to know this was no longer the system she wanted? divorced dads get to spend VERY little time with their kids. usually... every other weekend... and try to SQUEEZE in time for the paternal grandparents, who desperately want to see their grandkids, let alone any aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, on that side of the family.
I am finding that I have to give up time with my grandson, just so my son can have a little one-on-one time with his son,which he so deparately wants.
in divorced families, the dad's side tends to "swarm" around every other weekend, plan EVERYTHING around that, since they know it's their only chance to see the little guy, (let alone let great-granddaddy see him, etc)
since the mom here is the one who has the "exclusive" opportunity of spending day-to day time with the child... then it is HER responsibility to let the dad know what the child would reallylike.
would she rather spend a few minutes communicating with her ex, or rather he (and his whole extended family, who probably love the child VERY much)spend money on something the child doesn't want... and then....'
put the poor kid in the middle to tell them all she didn't want it after all?

this is not about the poor kid being spoiled and wanting the money. the child could keep it all, and never use it. I sure wouldn't want my grandchild to do that.

if you are a divorced mom.. you KNOW the dad AND his family love this child VERY much.. if you can't communicate verbally, take a moment to write a note, iif not to the dad, to the paternal grandparents, who love him very much.. and TELL them what he/she wants.

There was NOTHING in the OP's posts that suggested that this was the situation.

 

[luvsJack]

1. This is this child' FATHER, not great-aunt bessie who might get her feelings hurt. She should be able to go to her father and be honest, just like she should if it was a gift given by her mother or given by the parents together. He obviously loves this child and she loves him--an honest relationship is worth more than any gift.

2. This is not a $15 sweater in the wrong color--its $300 worth of toys! I don't understand those that would rather waste $300 than tell someone they would rather have something else

(would any of you really keep $300 worth of gifts from your spouse if it was something you wouldn't use?)

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

Another thought: Would the Wii be for his house?

I know that we as parents want to give our kids things that make them happy, but we also often give kids gifts because of what we want to do with them, and because we want them to spend their time doing certain things.

I bought my son a snowboard and a season pass for the local hill for Christmas. He likes them very much, but I suspect if I gave him the option he'd return them and get a laptop and wireless internet for the house. So, why didn't I get him what he wanted the very most? Because I wanted a gift that we could use together. I love the ritual of driving up to the mountain, racing each other down, going out to dinner together afterwards, really getting to know his friends from spending a couple of hours with them in the car etc . . . . I also think it's good for kids to be physically active. If my son came to me and said he wanted to trade the gift for a laptop I'd say no.

It may be that he bought her the gift with 2 things in mind. One is that he thought she'd love it, but the other might have been that long car rides have been hard without the entertainment, and he thought it would be good for both of their relationship if she didn't have it. Or maybe he thought about a wii but wanted a gift that he could see her use (if she's thinking of having it at your house), or that he doesn't want a video gaming system taking her attention away during his precious time with him.

If the DSi is truly something she'll never use again, then I think she should say something now before he's hurt by never seeing her use it. On the other hand, unless he asks "what would you like instead", she shouldn't be the one picking the replacement. On the other hand, if it's just that she's reached the point developmentally where she realizes that gifts cost a certain amount of money, and that she wishes she had control over that money, then I'm going to say no -- that's not how gifts work. The giver gets to choose.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

if you are a divorced mom.. you KNOW the dad AND his family love this child VERY much.. if you can't communicate verbally, take a moment to write a note, iif not to the dad, to the paternal grandparents, who love him very much.. and TELL them what he/she wants.

Actually, I think dad should have asked mom if his daughter would still really like to have her DS replaced. Seems like this was a surprise gift and he took the chance of his daughter not liking it, as it was not on the list he already received. This would only be mom's fault if dad DID call to ask her opinion and she told him to go ahead and buy it.

 

[taximomfor4]

(would any of you really keep $300 worth of gifts from your spouse if it was something you wouldn't use?)

This the most important point I would consider in advising my own dd. OP, if it was something my dd liked and would, in fact use, they would be keeping it. I could be misreading your posts, but it SOUNDS like your dd just would really RATHER have the Wii thing. If the Wii didn't exist (or was a non-option for whatever reason), would your dd be fine with the Dsi?

Example: DH got me a blanket for Christmas, to wrap up in while watching TV at night. It's a pricey, woven, tapestry type from the Irish Imports store nearby. In my head, I really, really would like to take it back and use the money for a soft, really warm comfy blanket like I used to have. But DH drove all around to find what he thought I would like. I will USE this one, even though I would RATHER have a fluffy soft one.

One point to consider, that eyour x-DH might have been thinking: DSi can, in fact, go back and forth easily from mom's house to dads, and back again plus on those road trips. Perhaps next year, your dd can ASK for the wii thing.

 

[wdwfan16]

1. This is this child' FATHER, not great-aunt bessie who might get her feelings hurt. She should be able to go to her father and be honest, just like she should if it was a gift given by her mother or given by the parents together. He obviously loves this child and she loves him--an honest relationship is worth more than any gift.

2. This is not a $15 sweater in the wrong color--its $300 worth of toys! I don't understand those that would rather waste $300 than tell someone they would rather have something else

(would any of you really keep $300 worth of gifts from your spouse if it was something you wouldn't use?)

YES and then I used it. Guess what I actually liked it once I used it. You ask what it was. A DS-Lite that I got two Christmases ago. He bought it for me since he know I liked video games and he wanted me to have fun. Guess what, he was right!!! I had fun and it is easy to store when I don't have the time for it.

A gift is just that a gift. The giver gets to pick and the receiver should be taught to accept it and not tell the giver what they really wanted. That is not a gift!!!!

 

[maxiesmom]

Whatever happened to learning to be happy with what you have? We wonder why this generation is the entitlement generation, maybe it's because we're teaching them that the only way they can be happy is if they get exactly what they want.

I would never dream of telling someone that I didn't like their gift and would like to replace it, and if one of my kids did that it would be the last gift they received. It's a different matter if the person giving the gift let's them know that it's ok to exchange it for something else if it would make them happier.

There are people out there that have learned to be happy living without things that most people on here would consider necessities. This girl is being asked to be happy playing games on the latest portable gaming system out there instead of on a bigger non portable gaming system and she isn't, that sounds spoiled to me.

I agree. Growing up, I would have loved to get any kind of toy for Christmas. We always got clothes, as my parents didn't have much in the way of money.

I also have to say why wouldn't the father have bought this for a gift? He was trying to replace the game his daughter had before, so it seems safe to assume she would like it.

I think your daughter should learn to be grateful for the gifts she was given, and not be trying to turn it in for something she thinks is better.

 

[SDFgirl]

Sounds like her dad loves her and wants to make her happy.

If I spent that much money on a gift, I would want the recipient to actually USE and ENJOY it. If they don't think that's gonna happen, I would LOVE for that person to tell me so I could get them something they really want. I might feel a twinge of hurt feelings, but mostly I'd be pleased that I'd be making a loved one happy.

Guess it depends on the giver's attitude. How do you think her dad would handle it if she told him?

 

[luvsJack]

YES and then I used it. Guess what I actually liked it once I used it. You ask what it was. A DS-Lite that I got two Christmases ago. He bought it for me since he know I liked video games and he wanted me to have fun. Guess what, he was right!!! I had fun and it is easy to store when I don't have the time for it.

A gift is just that a gift. The giver gets to pick and the receiver should be taught to accept it and not tell the giver what they really wanted. That is not a gift!!!!

I think the difference is you didn't know if you would like it or not. The OP's daughter has had a DS and knows she doesn't want one.

I do agree with a PP that if this is something that the child really will not use then yes she should say something. If she is just thinking she would prefer the wii fit then she should just wait until another time and ask for that gift.

 

[NikitaZee]

You sound like a great mom, and it's so good for your DD that she has such a great relationship with her dad. I think your plan to sit back and let her lead on this one is wonderful. You're letting her grow upand be responsible for herself. That's a priceless gift.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. OP, your daughter doesn't seem spoiled in this instance. This is her dad, not an aunt or uncle that she was a more distant relationship with. Would I be offended if my son or daughter told me that they didn't really care for this-or-that gift I bought for them? No. Would I consider them ungrateful? No. Maybe I'm in the minority, but we just don't stand on ceremony that way with eachother. And my kids are thoughtful and considerate, not spoiled and ungrateful.

The fact that she is actually in tears over whether or not to approach her Dad with this suggests to me that she is a very sensitive and thoughtful girl.

 

[wdwfan16]

This the most important point I would consider in advising my own dd. OP, if it was something my dd liked and would, in fact use, they would be keeping it. I could be misreading your posts, but it SOUNDS like your dd just would really RATHER have the Wii thing. If the Wii didn't exist (or was a non-option for whatever reason), would your dd be fine with the Dsi?

Example: DH got me a blanket for Christmas, to wrap up in while watching TV at night. It's a pricey, woven, tapestry type from the Irish Imports store nearby. In my head, I really, really would like to take it back and use the money for a soft, really warm comfy blanket like I used to have. But DH drove all around to find what he thought I would like. I will USE this one, even though I would RATHER have a fluffy soft one.

One point to consider, that eyour x-DH might have been thinking: DSi can, in fact, go back and forth easily from mom's house to dads, and back again plus on those road trips. Perhaps next year, your dd can ASK for the wii thing.

The OP did say they split the wish list and that she got her the big item she wanted. No where did she say she had a WII on that list. The mom listed the big gift and it was not a WII.

It is nice to see some on here who appreciate the thought their DH put into their gift. It was what they wanted but not the exact one they wanted. You wanted a fluffy soft blanket but you got a woven blanket.

The OP's DD wanted a WII but got a DSi. Both are electronic video games. Both are loved by 12 year olds.

 

[LisaR]

1. You said if she kept it the DSi, she would probably end up using it. Not often but she would use it.

2. She will never get ALL the money back for it since some of the games came from other relatives. She will likely not have enough money to get a Wii plus games, extra remotes, etc.

3. She will have a birthday in the next 365 days. Tell your ex NOW that you want to start planning for a Wii for her birthday.

I know you say she isn't being ungrateful and I do get what you are saying. However, her dad really did put a lot of thought into this and it is something she will use. It won't be daily but she will use it. One can assume she will not be able to use the Wii daily either with school, activities and the fact that it isn't easily transported between your house and his. It was a great gift with a lot of thought put into it. I really think she needs to figure out a way to appreciate it.

 

[wdwfan16]

I think the difference is you didn't know if you would like it or not. The OP's daughter has had a DS and knows she doesn't want one.

I do agree with a PP that if this is something that the child really will not use then yes she should say something. If she is just thinking she would prefer the wii fit then she should just wait until another time and ask for that gift.

I had many video systems before, including other portables, and I did not want another one.

She now has a DSi. That has internet access. That would be very handy on a trip. What 12 year old does not want to access the internet?

 

[taximomfor4]

The OP did say they split the wish list and that she got her the big item she wanted. No where did she say she had a WII on that list. The mom listed the big gift and it was not a WII.

It is nice to see some on here who appreciate the thought their DH put into their gift. It was what they wanted but not the exact one they wanted. You wanted a fluffy soft blanket but you got a woven blanket.

The OP's DD wanted a WII but got a DSi. Both are electronic video games. Both are loved by 12 year olds.

Exactly. THe OP's dd might like a dsi if a wii is taken out of the equation. That is, as yet, not clarified.

 

[clovergirl5]

DD doesn't want me to talk to her Dad, she just wants advice on whether she should or not...as for asking other family members for receipts this isn't even on our radar

Thank you for recognizing that this situation may not be the norm for many divorced parents. We co-parent and do it very well. I know from experience with DS and his father that this is extremely difficult but it is something that both her Dad and I have worked very hard at and the result is an amazing young lady.

As a child of divorced parents, I commend you on your dd's behalf, for you and your exdh love for dd to "get along" and co-parent with love and not hatred for each other. That just brightens my day and your dd is so lucky for that.

As for the situation that she is in, if I were her, I would talk with dad and tell him how I was feeling about the gifts and wondered if he minded if I exchanged them. She will be able to tell if it bothers him or not, if it does, she might just keep them and not hurt her dad's feelings. If he says of course we can exchange them, great. I don't think its a big deal if everyone is honest with each other. She is old enough to decide after talking with dad, if she still wants to exchange them.
I would be very proud of the kind of dd you describe here. She doesn't sound ungrateful imo, at all. If she was, she wouldn't care if she hurt her dads feelings. You go mom....GREAT JOB!

 

[torinsmom]

If its a matter of having something to play at his house, the Wii is very portable. My son used to take his to his dad's when he had it. It took us 2 minutes max to pack it up or set it up. It actually would be something they could play together vs the DSi which is play alone.

 

[pyrxtc]

Wow! I was going to delete portions of this post before I responded but..

l) Because she is 12, in two weeks she will not be glad she has the DS, she does know that one is portable and the other isn't, she isn't a small child who isn't capable of "analyzing" the gift Never said she wasn't capable of anything

2) Rather rude of you to tell me not to speak to her Dad, with whom I have a great relationship.She is old enough to put in words how she is feeling and tell someone, because he is your ex and she is old enough then you need to step out of it and let them deal wiht it together

3) Yes, she has her own mind and she will take care of this issue herself, she was simply asking for some guidance ~ I think this was a good thing for her rather than some preteens who might not askguidance is great but it involves you not giving her your opinion and just letting her vent to you and maybe talking about it will help her make her decision

4) DD has done more than her share for those down of their luck their Xmas, never assume just because a preteen seems self-absorbed (yeah, I agree that this is on the line) that they have not been brought up to realize what they have and what they have to give.

Your post just p'd me off for some reason. I try not to let virtual dialogues bother me and yes, I asked for opinions: whether it was okay for her to talk to her Dad about this, not whether she should be more grateful, whether I should get involved and speak with her Dad about it, and how exactly we should fix her selfishness!

I was answering as someone who has a 12 yr old DD (sorry, turned 13 7 days ago) and a bio dad (my Ex) who doesn't live with us and doesn't always know what she wants/like/needs for Christmas. I am answering as someone who is in your position and has bene there for many years. If my DD has issues with something her father does I do not get involved other than hearing her out. Unless it is hurting her then her father is not my business. This issue that you are talking of is about how much her father thoght about this gift and has probably been planning it for months (since she lost the other one) and put real thought into it. Didn't just pick it up on a whim. you could help your DD see how much went into this gift.

And about her wanting it in 2 weeks, My DD's both go thru phases where they don't want something and hate it but 2 weeks later it's top on their list. Or else they want somehting really bad and then forgot all about it by the time they get it and barely touch it. 12 yr old girls tend to change their minds really fast and even if you get them exactly what they wanted 2 days ago they can act disgusted with it. BTDT !

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

1. This is this child' FATHER, not great-aunt bessie who might get her feelings hurt. She should be able to go to her father and be honest, just like she should if it was a gift given by her mother or given by the parents together. He obviously loves this child and she loves him--an honest relationship is worth more than any gift.

Why isn't it okay to hurt Great Aunt Bessie's feelings but it is okay to hurt her father's? That doesn't make sense to me. He clearly put a lot of thought into this, and it just bothers me that she might tell him that it's not good enough. Which won't be her exact words, but it's still the sentiment.

 

[ProgressCity]

Wow, it looks like people are split right down the middle on this one. Usually threads lean one way.

OP, please keep us updated on what ends up happening, I'm very interested to know.

 

[clh2]

I don't care who I give a gift to...if I miss the mark and don't get them something they want, I would REALLY want to know so that I can get the situation fixed.

When one of my nieces was 5, I got her and her 8 year old sister a denim shirt and a pair of jeans. The shirts had multiple denims in it. They were really cute. The older niece loved the outfit, and the 5 year old didn't. The receipt was requested (this was long before gift receipts were commone) so they could go buy my younger niece an outfit she would wear - i.e. a sweatshirt and leggings.