DD11 not doing chores, WWYD?

[KiKi Mouse]

My older DD is 11 and we have an ongoing problem with her not doing as she is asked.
Yesterday she was told to take the dog for a walk when she got home from school. She didn't do it. She "forgot".
She is supposed to pick up the dog poop when it needs to be done, i.e. every day. She had to walk past it to get into the house but "forgot" to do it.
I asked her to do some dishes while I went to get her sister from daycare. id she do them? No, when I came home she was making chocolate dipped strawberries. I snapped.

We go through this with her week after week and I don't know what to do anymore.

DH wants to take her out of soccer which would mean that she would likely never be able to play again. The girls she has been playing with have all been together for a couple of years now and taking her out of that group and then trying to get her back in for indoor season would be a disaster. Her skill level would drop and she would be behind the others.
DH had to go to his class tonight so we couldn't really talk. I already took t.v. away for the next month. I managed to maybe keep the soccer but he wants all after school sports gone for the year.
I don't agree because taking kids out of sports only hurts them as far as I am concerned. He feels that doing chores is a life skill and if we don't come down hard now then we are setting her up to be a slob in her adult life. I can see his point but I think pulling her out of sports is setting her up to be lazier and maybe hanging out with nasty kids that are into nasty things.

How do you guys deal with your kids and chores and their 'forgetting' etc?

I tell yah, I used to be a jail guard and currently work in law enforcement and raising kids is harder!

 

[hereyago]

Kids dont NEED to play sports, it is a want not a need, it is a luxury.Especially if they don't do their regular responsibities. Kids need to "contribute" to the family. Unless, she is going to play soccer as a career, I think until she puts her big girl pants back on, then she can do without. She obviously doesn't have the discipline if she can't do what her parents want her to.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Whatever they enjoy, you remove. If it is soccer, time for it to go. Teach them consequences now, or suffer far more later.

With my oldest son, we gave his worse chores and stood there and watched him do them. He is now happy to take out the garbage and do the dishes...

 

[MiniGirl]

What is she doing when she should be doing her chores? Personally, I would take away whatever it is that is distracting her to the point of her "forgetting" to see to her responsibilities.

 

[Cindy B]

When my son was being lazy, we would "forget" to have the Xbox controllers in the house (we had them in our cars). We also put a router timer on the computer, Xbox and texting.

 

[Imzadi]

What is she doing when she should be doing her chores? Personally, I would take away whatever it is that is distracting her to the point of her "forgetting" to see to her responsibilities.

I agree. She can't be only doing soccer or chores. There has to be a wealth of other stuff she likes to do that you can take away.

Is she getting an allowance? Does she have an iPod? If she likes chocolate & strawberries, then they have to go, or she has to earn the right to be able to eat them, while the others are enjoying them.

I agree with DH, she needs to learn discipline, routines, authority, following orders and actions/choices have consequences. Are you training her to become a professional soccer player? If not, then it may be time for it to go.

It could be a serious wake up call for her to straighten out her life. People often get wake up calls in the form of losing a job, getting cancer, etc., before their lives change. DH may have the right idea in teaching her a huge life lesson about consequences. Life isn't a soccer tournament, where it's all fun & games. It sounds like she's been able to slide though and take the easy roads, since there has been no meaningful consequences to her in regards to what she doesn't do.

If she was making chocolate covered strawberries when I got home, I'd say, "Great! Thanks for making them for us. Too bad you won't be having any of your own as you didn't clean up after the dog.

 

[Jennasis]

Ahhh I remember that age well. Do you? I "forgot" to do things all the time. I had the attentione span of a moth (ooh, a light!). Not saying punishment isn't warranted. BUT, this isn't the end of the world, she isn't (probably) going to grow up to be a useless slob.

Choose your battles.

When I didn't pick up the dog poop, Mom made me give the dog away. Literally. She made me stand in front of the local convenience store and beg strangers to take the dog.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

She watches t.v. and that is about it. I took that away. She doesn't go out with friends. She doesn't go to the mall. She doesn't have a cell phone. We don't own a gaming system. She doesn't go on the computer unless she is doing something for school. She oesn't get an allowance. She's 11.
She goes to school, and goes to after school sports. Right now it is curling and basketball. Outside of school is soccer.

Soccer is 4-5 days a week for her. She plays developmental plus on an all star team. Do I see a career in this? No. But I do see team building with good kids. I see fitness and a healthy lifestyle. I don't want to take that away.

If we take her out she is done. Unless she plays recreational league somewhere but that would be a step down and I don't even know if there is rec league for kids her age or a bit older.

It scares me to take away the sports because then she will just be lazier. If I could take her out for a while I would but that isn't an option. It's all or nothing.

I don't want her sitting around getting fat & unhealthy and lazier and turning to destructive things when she is older.

I realize she needs to learn a lesson but I am trying to find the happy medium. I don't have very much I can take away from her as listed above.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I wouldn't take away sports as a punishment. If she's enjoying an activity that gets her to exercise, I would encourage it.

Perhaps your daughter would do well with a written schedule? She may be the kind of kid who has every intention of doing her chores but gets distracted to the point of procrastinating. It's easy to say, "I forgot," when she actually means to say, "I really meant to do it but my 11-year old mind wandered and I started doing something else."

Try writing her a schedule that plans her afternoon/evening from the minute she gets home from school. Schedule time for homework, chores and soccer practice if she has it that day. Give her some free time at the end of the day for TV or other activities. If she doesn't finish her homework and chores during the allotted time, she has to use her free time to do it. That takes away the "I forgot" excuse. If it's written down, there's no reason why she can't remember to do it.

 

[golfgal]

Ok, if she goes to school AND has curling practice AND basketball practice AND soccer practice-when does she have TIME to do dishes???? I guess I don't blame her for forgetting, she is probably pooped out when she gets home. If she is that busy during the week perhaps it would be better to confine her chores to weekends. I am ALL FOR kids doing chores around the house and no, it doesn't take much for her to do some dishes but when does she just get to sit and do nothing like everyone needs every day?

 

[Briarmom]

I absolutely wouldn't take soccer away from her. I'd take everything away from her before I'd do that. Down to a bed and dresser in her room. Seriously. What is she going to do for 'extra curricular' stuff if you take away the only thing she does?

Am I reading your signature correctly that you'll be having a baby soon? I imagine this is going to change, and perhaps already changing, her life a little bit. She's also 11. In that weird kid/teen stage.

Hang in there.

ETA: Oops, I didn't see that she has a sister. Sorry, I'm exhausted from school myself. I can't imagine adding on all those sporting activities!

 

[auntie]

Sounds pretty normal for 11. I wouldn't worry too much about it. Her mind is on other things, and home isn't the be all and end all of her world any longer. It's as new to her as it is to you. When they're younger they delight in pleasing their parents. Whent they get to be 11, they live to please themselves!
If you want her to do something..then stand there and have her it do it while you wait. "NOW....not in 10 minutes or an hour...NOW". I have found they HATE this, and of course would prefer to do any chore without mom or dad breathing down their backs. If you gave her something to do..and she didn't do it, it's time for her to go to her room. No phone, no iPod, no movies, no friends, no tv. You get the idea.
You also might want to ask her why it is you two aren't on the same page ..Just throwing it out there. Of course you make the rules, and she's got to follow them, but keeping lines of communication open is always a good idea. If she decides to "share" be prepared to hear some things you don't like. Her "spin" on things will knock your socks off..
I wouldn't take the soccer away at this point. It's good physical exercise and the friendships she makes will likely carry over to school. Middle School is tough.
Having been down this road a few times...let me assure you that this too shall pass....and honestly, one day..you're gonna miss it. She's not bad...she's 11.

 

[robinb]

I have a 10-year old and I think that gnats have a longer attention span .

You have already taken away a month of TV and now you want to take away her competitive soccer team. By doing so, I think you are using a sledge hammer here when a finer tool would have the same effect. I would stick with the loss of the TV as punishment and allow her to earn it back by doing her chores every day. For every day she does her chores she gets a day of TV back on the end. By the time you're done with two weeks she'll have her TV back and a "chore habit" firmly in place.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

She's got a 3 y/o sister and another due any day now.

She signs up for everything at school but we tell her soccer is the priority if there is a schedule conflict. The school activities are right after school. I don't expect her to do a ton of chores if she isn't around to do them. When she doesn't have the activities then she is supposed to be doing homework first, then whatever needs to be done. That includes taking the dog around the block for a walk, picking up dog poop, dishes, putting her clean laundry away. It's priortizing and time management.

In our free time we do things as a family. Example, Friday night us girls are going to Disney on Ice, Saturday my Dad and Stepmom are coming over to help get some work done around the house, and Sunday is family games night at my in laws. There's a soccer playoff game and her high performance training camp in there too. There is a soccer family get together as well but we aren't going because we make plans with family already.

The only issue we have with DD11 is the chores and the "I forgot".

I just got off the phone with DH again. We have nothing else to take away other than sports and television.

I am going to make a list and put one on her bedroom door as well as on the fridge and we are going to have another talk tomorrow about this.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

She watches t.v. and that is about it. I took that away. She doesn't go out with friends. She doesn't go to the mall. She doesn't have a cell phone. We don't own a gaming system. She doesn't go on the computer unless she is doing something for school. She oesn't get an allowance. She's 11.
She goes to school, and goes to after school sports. Right now it is curling and basketball. Outside of school is soccer.

Soccer is 4-5 days a week for her. She plays developmental plus on an all star team. Do I see a career in this? No. But I do see team building with good kids. I see fitness and a healthy lifestyle. I don't want to take that away.

If we take her out she is done. Unless she plays recreational league somewhere but that would be a step down and I don't even know if there is rec league for kids her age or a bit older.

It scares me to take away the sports because then she will just be lazier. If I could take her out for a while I would but that isn't an option. It's all or nothing.

I don't want her sitting around getting fat & unhealthy and lazier and turning to destructive things when she is older.

I realize she needs to learn a lesson but I am trying to find the happy medium. I don't have very much I can take away from her as listed above.

Then do as Luvbunnies suggested and try another approach. Some kids need a schedule and a time.

 

[cuethemusic]

Eh, it's one thing to take away tv, games, internet, etc. but taking away letting the kid be on a sports team seems kind of tough. She's only a kid once, only has this one life to enjoy being on a kid's soccer team. One woman in my class puts a list up at the beginning of each week of chores her son is supposed to do and next to each individual chore is a "consequence". It might say "clean hamster cage by Sunday" and in the consequence category it will say "no video games for 2 weeks". She also switches the consequences around for each chore every week. She has also told him if he fails to do all of his chores she is putting time strict time restraints on tv, internet, and video game sand signing him up for "life enriching" learning classes outside of school. It seems to work for her.

 

[auntie]

She's got a 3 y/o sister and another due any day now.

She signs up for everything at school but we tell her soccer is the priority if there is a schedule conflict. The school activities are right after school. I don't expect her to do a ton of chores if she isn't around to do them. When she doesn't have the activities then she is supposed to be doing homework first, then whatever needs to be done. That includes taking the dog around the block for a walk, picking up dog poop, dishes, putting her clean laundry away. It's priortizing and time management.

In our free time we do things as a family. Example, Friday night us girls are going to Disney on Ice, Saturday my Dad and Stepmom are coming over to help get some work done around the house, and Sunday is family games night at my in laws. There's a soccer playoff game and her high performance training camp in there too. There is a soccer family get together as well but we aren't going because we make plans with family already.

The only issue we have with DD11 is the chores and the "I forgot".

I just got off the phone with DH again. We have nothing else to take away other than sports and television.

I am going to make a list and put one on her bedroom door as well as on the fridge and we are going to have another talk tomorrow about this.

My oldest was 11 when I had my youngest. We had a four year old in between. So age wise..not much different that your situation. Sometimes as a parent, you come to expect too much out of the older child. Forgeting..they are still a child. I say this, because I've done it myself...and I can clearly see it in your post.
How many chores does an 11 year old have to do, that you need to post a list on the fridge and bedroom door?
You are over scheduled and over planned..and with the new baby coming..all that's going to go out the window anyway. I hope you aren't expecting your eleven year old to pick up the slack...because that's what it sounds like.
She's eleven ... not an adult.

 

[quasar4legs]

I would put some structures in place that make it a little easier for your daughter to have some success at getting her chores done.

One option would be to put her chores up on a noticeboard/planner each day or maybe weekly and she ticks them off as they are done.

Our son at a similar age liked having his own diary and we would sit down with him over the weekend and help him plan out what had to be done. So instead of us nagging we would just say......"check your diary". It really helped him improve his organisational skills, which have never been his strength.
Initially my husband checked his diary with him when he got home each evening but eventually we were just able to go through it weekly. We had clear consequences when chores were not done and everybody knew up front what to expect.
Don't forget to praise her when she has done her chores, it can be very motivating.

I would not take soccer away, exercise in our family is not considered a luxury but a health issue.

You might enjoy reading Stephen Covey's (sp?) book on Raising highly effective families, we found it very helpful.

Good Luck

 

[Jennasis]

Make a check list. Until everything on the list is checked off, she can't go to bed. Spending a night or two with a flashlight and a plastic bag hunting for dog poop should fix her wagon.

 

[merryweather20]

Have you considered that she might be sick? I say this because I went through the same thing when I was a little older. I played on an elite team and when my parents noticed I was in pain they figured I had a hard work-out. But there were 4 floors of stairs at school and between that and my team sometimes I was desperate to get home and put my feet up. If My Mom asked me to grab something from the pantry downstairs, sometimes it was bad enough to draw tears.

I felt bad about it so I volunteered to do things that I could do, and I was lucky that my Mom chose to pick her battles and didn't push it to often. When we were sitting in with the Dr. and he was getting into just how bad things were I knew she regretted even the few times she had put her foot down.

Based on your post it doesn't even seem like she's giving you lip, she genuinely just forgot. Is it really a big deal that the dishes got done slightly later? Was there a reason to snap? Did she know you were having company and needed the large caserole clean when you got home from daycare? or whatever made it a pressing issue?

I know plenty of kids who needed a reminder at that age to do chores, or a written schedule on the fridge to do regular chores like walking the dog. None of them are "slobs" as adults.

I find it a bit of a stretch to call picking up dog poop a "life skill". I agree with you on all the benefits of soccer you mentioned.