DD wants a purity ring

[nathalee81]

I think in a lot of cases it's rather obvious.

Peers pressuring you to smoke (because it's "cool"): Bad.
Peers pressuring you NOT to smoke (because it will kill you and is illegal until 18): Good.

Drink vs. not drink.
Bully vs, not bully.
Slack off vs. get good grades...

No, I meant if they can bend to one kind of peer pressure (i.e-the right kind) than why wouldn't they be more susceptible to bending to the wrong kind of peer pressure? Not what is "good" vs. "bad".

 

[Robbi]

As a father whose life revolves around my precious daughter (as well as my beautiful wife and wonderful son), that made me want to throw up! Yuck!!!

The thread does make me think of a funny story, however, from when my DD was a newborn. I was out to lunch with a good friend who is as conservative as I am liberal, and we were walking through the mall when we passed a lingerie shop that had, shall we say, very revealing outfits on the mannequins in the windows. Without missing a beat, my friend turned to me and said "you know, in 13 years you are going to wish the Christian Right ruled this nation".

I agree.


What child when they're 11 thinks they're going to like sex? Heck I thought it sounded like the most disgusting thing I had ever heard. Most would probably want the ring and think they would stay pure until marriage. My friends and I would have and then imagined we were saintly.

Then the child becomes an older teen or young adult and falls in love-or thinks she's in love. Kerflooey goes the whole purity thing. She might even still wear the ring especially if mommy and daddy have made a big deal about it but it isn't a chastity belt.

Before I get my head handed to me, I'm not saying all girls will be "active".

Were all of you innocent as the driven snow when you got married? This is not meant as snark.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Well, maybe if the kids look at it this way and the guy sees the ring on her finger and thinks she won't put out and if this is what he's after, he might move on to someone else and not waste time. It might save him a lot of time and money.

I dunno. I guess it depends on the guy(s). DD15 and I were looking at some "relationship" type stuff today and one of the things we saw was a group of guys saying it's the "chase" that really excites them. I think that some guys might stop if they see see a Purity ring, and others might find it a challenge!

 

[Buckalew11]

No, I meant if they can bend to one kind of peer pressure (i.e-the right kind) than why wouldn't they be more susceptible to bending to the wrong kind of peer pressure? Not what is "good" vs. "bad".

What? I think I need an example.

 

[nathalee81]

What? I think I need an example.

I'm sorry, maybe I'm not being clear (and I really don't mean that snark, my kid woke up at 2 am and I didn't go back to sleep so my mind may not be as clear as I want it to be ).

I don't want my child bending to peer pressure...period. Good or bad. I would prefer my child have an idea of what is important to her...not what is important to all her friends at any given time.

Because, while purity rings may be important to her friends one day-it may be the last thing on their minds a few months down the road.

 

[autumnpalm]

I am a Christian and believe sex should be something that happens within the context of marriage.

That said, I strongly dislike the whole "purity ring" thing and although I would be happy my kids felt strongly like I do, I would discourage the ring.

In my experience, it is often the most overtly pious who are covertly living quite differently than they proclaim. I believe this kind of example to be detrimental, rather than inspirational. I'd rather my kids not get caught up in a fad, but make their decisions based on their own beliefs and faith.

I want them to want to make decisions each day out of the core of who they are, not based on outward reminders. And, most importantly, I want them to experience grace, not guilt, if they fall short.

I also have a creepy association with some the way some churches do these purity rings, involving ceremonies etc.

Just got to this post and have to say .

You said it better than I could have.

(bolding mine!)

Off to go back and keep reading!

 

[mad madam mim78]

I for one am glad I test drove the car before I bought it. There's a lot of lemons out there!!!!

 

[castleview]

Does the ring come off right after you lose your virginity? That would be awkward.

 

[nathalee81]

I for one am glad I test drove the car before I bought it. There's a lot of lemons out there!!!!

 

[leebee]

Heck, I already HAVE a commitment ring that I've been wearing for 20 years; matches DH's. I WANT THE CAR...

 

[jodifla]

I would not buy a ring like this for my daughter, and would heavily discourage her from getting it on her own. It's so paternalistic and hints that a woman/ girl is only "worth" something if she's some old-fashioned version of a "good girl." I have no desire to further this really outdated and unhealthy version of female sexuality.

"Purity" to me is not tied to virginity and I would not want my daughter to see it this way either. I also see no reason to advertise her sexual status, particularly at age 11. At age 11, it's also a meaningless pledge, so not one worth making. The child won't be making it of her own accord, but rather, is bowing to peer pressure to belong to some sort of "club" where women are viewed as objects and not people.

 

[MrsPete]

I've never really thought of it from that angle, but it makes sense - no pressure to get married for "permission" to have sex and far less pressure to get married because of an unplanned pregnancy would have that effect. I think economics are the biggest factor, though; a 4 year college degree is the baseline for a middle class living the way high school was just a couple generations ago, and that effectively extends "childhood" by the time it takes to earn that degree.

I do think economics are part of it -- and that's the factor people would probably advance as their main reason -- but I think the relaxed attitude towards premarital sex /living together is just as much a factor.

Thing is, nationwide only 25-30% of all adults have a college degree, so that doesn't apply to all young people. Of course, many more than that start college but don't finish, so that still "extends childhood" to some extent.

I don't know for certain, but my personal experience seems to indicate that people who don't go to college tend to marry earlier than those who do, which -- if true -- would back up your economic theory.

If a teen needs that ring as reinforcement, then she isn't very serious about her choice.

Needs? Of course it's not a need.
Finds a nice reminder, a positive thing for her? Yep.

Or you could ask him for a "fidelity car".

Hmmm . . . I think a fidelity car would have to be a little two-seater sports car. You know, no back seat.

 

[LongLiveDisney]

I would not buy a ring like this for my daughter, and would heavily discourage her from getting it on her own. It's so paternalistic and hints that a woman/ girl is only "worth" something if she's some old-fashioned version of a "good girl." I have no desire to further this really outdated and unhealthy version of female sexuality.

"Purity" to me is not tied to virginity and I would not want my daughter to see it this way either. I also see no reason to advertise her sexual status, particularly at age 11. At age 11, it's also a meaningless pledge, so not one worth making. The child won't be making it of her own accord, but rather, is bowing to peer pressure to belong to some sort of "club" where women are viewed as objects and not people.

How does abstaining make women objects? There's no club here. Some women choose to abstain and some don't. Neither makes the woman an object.

 

[luvmy3]

Finds a nice reminder, a positive thing for her? Yep.

In your pp, you said reinforcement. That is not the same as a reminder.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I would not buy a ring like this for my daughter, and would heavily discourage her from getting it on her own. It's so paternalistic and hints that a woman/ girl is only "worth" something if she's some old-fashioned version of a "good girl." I have no desire to further this really outdated and unhealthy version of female sexuality.

Outside of the whole "Daddy ring" weirdness, the purity ring is not about female sexuality. Boys wear them too.

See (from a few years ago): The Jonas Brothers.

 

[MrsPete]

In your pp, you said reinforcement. That is not the same as a reminder.

Well, we'll have to disagree about that. In this discussion, I'd say the words are interchangeable. I'd also throw in the word encouragement. It's a visible, tangable reminder of a decision she made.

 

[luvmy3]

Well, we'll have to disagree about that. In this discussion, I'd say the words are interchangeable. I'd also throw in the word encouragement. It's a visible, tangable reminder of a decision she made.

I wouldn't say they are at all. Reinforcement means to strengthen, support. A reminder is just that, a reminder.
Regardless of the differences in their meaning, if a scatterbrained teen (your term) needs a physical object to strengthen her belief, or to help her remember it, I'd still argue that it couldn't have been "very serious" in the first place.

 

[gwynne]

I wouldn't say they are at all. Reinforcement means to strengthen, support. A reminder is just that, a reminder.
Regardless of the differences in their meaning, if a scatterbrained teen (your term) needs a physical object to strengthen her belief, or to help her remember it, I'd still argue that it couldn't have been "very serious" in the first place.

Exactly. And if a kid is '' scatterbrained '' and needs an object to remember things will they need additional rings for honesty, integrity, kindness, etc?

 

[aprilgail2]

I'm not a fan of the purity ring idea so I wouldn't be likely to humor the request. I think it is manipulative for parents or church leaders to convince children to make a promise when they're still too young and immature to understand what it takes to keep their word, and growing up I saw quite a few friends who had made such pledges make terrible decisions in the name of keeping them (the extreme being two classmates who got married halfway through our senior year, as soon as they were both 18, rather than abstain any longer - most didn't go to that extreme but many simply practiced "technical virginity"). Of course, the flip side of that coin is that if the parents or church community don't make a big deal of the ring & pledge that it'll just be forgotten by the time she's actually thinking about such things, but in my experience it doesn't usually go that way. I had friends whose parents reminded them each and every time they went on a date, when they were shopping for prom dresses, etc. that "You promised you wouldn't..." so there was a lot of guilt attached to any thought of making a different choice.

Totally agree!

If you mean waiting until marriage to have sex which is what a purity ring stands for, then no, I don't want that for my children. I don't want them having sex too young, but I don't want them waiting for marriage, either.

I don't believe in the concept of a purity ring and if my child said she wanted one, I would not entertain that idea at all. I would need a long talk with her instead.

I totally do not want my daughter to wait until marriage! I certainly don't want my 12 year old 8th grade student to be out there having sex but waiting until marriage is certainly not something I would be pushing, it is up to her if/when she is ready- I hope she uses her head about whatever she chooses.

Thank you for explaining.
The bolded strikes me as odd though. If you (general you) are so committed to not having pre-marital sex that you wear a purity ring to show your commitment, I would think you would want to marry someone who shared those same beliefs because they are so important to you.

I agree- seems very one sided for it to be so important that ONE partner is a vigin but the other is free to do what they want.

Someone upthread mentioned fathers giving these rings to their daughters. I came across this:

That really grosses me out- way to odd!

I for one am glad I test drove the car before I bought it. There's a lot of lemons out there!!!!

 

[sookie]

There is some research out there that shows that purity "pledgers" are likely to delay sexual intercourse to their mid to late teens, but when they do have sex - they do not plan their sexual intercourse. The consequences of that are lower rates of condom use at first intercourse, and they have sexually transmitted disease rates that are equal to that of their peers.
In some cases, they have lower rates of sexual health knowledge (knowing how to properly use a condom, knowledge regarding HIV transmission) depending on their exposure to prior sexual health knowledge. If they receive only abstinence based education, all of this together this tends to lead to higher rates of teen pregnancy and STI due to lack of knowledge. Abstinence can and should be a large part of teen sexual health education, but they must know how to protect themselves for the time they decide to become sexually active.

I would not let my daughter wear a pledge ring or participate in it.