DD is left out in 3-kid friendship - advice please

[frostedpink]

I've had my first taste of kid drama and I need some advice from experienced parents out there.

Long story short: The girls are 7/8 years old and in second grade. DD has been good friends with Girl A for about 2 years now. They get along great one-on-one and the mom and I have become close friends too. They have a play date at least twice a month.

I have observed on a few occasions that Girl A tends to 'ditch' my DD when another friend is present. Example: we were at an amusement park. We ran into one of Girl A's other friends (that we did not know). Girl A ran ahead with new friend and only wanted to sit with new friend on rides. My DD was hurt and I was a bit irked that Girl A mom didn't even say anything like "hey, you came here with so and so, you should ride with her".

This same sort of scenario has happened a couple more times.

Yesterday things got worse. My DD has another close friend, Girl B. The whole group of us (DD, Girl A, Girl B) and us moms all went to the park. Again, Girl A purposely excluded my DD at the park. She wouldn't let DD help her and B dig in the sand, she said there wasn't enough room for my DD in tunnel (even though there was). Each time DD would walk over to me and cry (right in front of the other two moms). I would comfort her and tell her to go back and play. Finally she came back a THIRD time, crying and said loudly "GIRL A is still being mean!". Again, her mom said NOTHING! I had had enough by that point and just told DD 'ok we are leaving' and we left. I couldn't keep sending her back over there just to excluded again.

Her feelings were so hurt, because Girl A and Girl B are her closest little friends. So the fact that they would gang up on her and purposely exclude her was very hurtful.

Again, both girls are great with things are one-on-one, but as soon as it becomes a trio it's just a mess. And DD ALWAYS seems to be the 3rd wheel and the one left out. That bothers me as well. I don't want her to fall into that passive/victim role. I don't want her to be a mean girl of course but I don't want her to be bullied either.

Anyone have advice or similar stories? This is just the beginning of girl drama and I don't know how I'm going to handle this!

 

[sonnyjane]

I've had my first taste of kid drama and I need some advice from experienced parents out there.

Long story short: The girls are 7/8 years old and in second grade. DD has been good friends with Girl A for about 2 years now. They get along great one-on-one and the mom and I have become close friends too. They have a play date at least twice a month.

I have observed on a few occasions that Girl A tends to 'ditch' my DD when another friend is present. Example: we were at an amusement park. We ran into one of Girl A's other friends (that we did not know). Girl A ran ahead with new friend and only wanted to sit with new friend on rides. My DD was hurt and I was a bit irked that Girl A mom didn't even say anything like "hey, you came here with so and so, you should ride with her".

This same sort of scenario has happened a couple more times.

Yesterday things got worse. My DD has another close friend, Girl B. The whole group of us (DD, Girl A, Girl B) and us moms all went to the park. Again, Girl A purposely excluded my DD at the park. She wouldn't let DD help her and B dig in the sand, she said there wasn't enough room for my DD in tunnel (even though there was). Each time DD would walk over to me and cry (right in front of the other two moms). I would comfort her and tell her to go back and play. Finally she came back a THIRD time, crying and said loudly "GIRL A is still being mean!". Again, her mom said NOTHING! I had had enough by that point and just told DD 'ok we are leaving' and we left. I couldn't keep sending her back over there just to excluded again.

Her feelings were so hurt, because Girl A and Girl B are her closest little friends. So the fact that they would gang up on her and purposely exclude her was very hurtful.

Again, both girls are great with things are one-on-one, but as soon as it becomes a trio it's just a mess. And DD ALWAYS seems to be the 3rd wheel and the one left out. That bothers me as well. I don't want her to fall into that passive/victim role. I don't want her to be a mean girl of course but I don't want her to be bullied either.

Anyone have advice or similar stories? This is just the beginning of girl drama and I don't know how I'm going to handle this!

Are you sure Girl A REALLY likes the play dates with your daughter? Seems like she ditches her pretty fast when other options are present. That's not to be mean, but rather to maybe stop prolonging the inevitable. There's nothing you can do really to control another child (or their mom for that matter). You can talk with your DD about her feelings, involve her in activities, get her a larger pool of friends, etc. If you still are sure that Girl A and your daughter want to genuinely socialize, keep it 1-on-1 then.

 

[Miskey]

I've had my first taste of kid drama and I need some advice from experienced parents out there.

Long story short: The girls are 7/8 years old and in second grade. DD has been good friends with Girl A for about 2 years now. They get along great one-on-one and the mom and I have become close friends too. They have a play date at least twice a month.

I have observed on a few occasions that Girl A tends to 'ditch' my DD when another friend is present. Example: we were at an amusement park. We ran into one of Girl A's other friends (that we did not know). Girl A ran ahead with new friend and only wanted to sit with new friend on rides. My DD was hurt and I was a bit irked that Girl A mom didn't even say anything like "hey, you came here with so and so, you should ride with her".

This same sort of scenario has happened a couple more times.

Yesterday things got worse. My DD has another close friend, Girl B. The whole group of us (DD, Girl A, Girl B) and us moms all went to the park. Again, Girl A purposely excluded my DD at the park. She wouldn't let DD help her and B dig in the sand, she said there wasn't enough room for my DD in tunnel (even though there was). Each time DD would walk over to me and cry (right in front of the other two moms). I would comfort her and tell her to go back and play. Finally she came back a THIRD time, crying and said loudly "GIRL A is still being mean!". Again, her mom said NOTHING! I had had enough by that point and just told DD 'ok we are leaving' and we left. I couldn't keep sending her back over there just to excluded again.

Her feelings were so hurt, because Girl A and Girl B are her closest little friends. So the fact that they would gang up on her and purposely exclude her was very hurtful.

Again, both girls are great with things are one-on-one, but as soon as it becomes a trio it's just a mess. And DD ALWAYS seems to be the 3rd wheel and the one left out. That bothers me as well. I don't want her to fall into that passive/victim role. I don't want her to be a mean girl of course but I don't want her to be bullied either.

Anyone have advice or similar stories? This is just the beginning of girl drama and I don't know how I'm going to handle this!

Have you tried directly talking to Girl A's mother, instead of just making general comments? It sounds like you might have been being a little passive-aggressive

I don't think you will be able to change Girl A's behavior, so your dd has to either accept it for what it is, or look to make new friendships (or both)

 

[lifesavacation]

Whenever my kids have had friend issues, I've encouraged them to try and make new friends. Then, if a friendship with someone doesn't work out it is not a big deal.

 

[morgan98]

I agree with the others who say to encourage your daughter to try to make a few new friends, so she isn't quite as invested with these other two. Although, that is easier said that done.

While the other girls should not be mean to your daughter, you really can't force people to play with or like your daughter. I think forcing the issue is just going to complicate things even more.

 

[Hikergirl]

When my kids were little I always tried to plan things with an even number because when its odd someone will always be left out.
In the first example it sounds like girl A was excited to see the other girl. She came there with your dd so she kind of got taken for granted, it happens even to us adults sometimes.
In the second example it just sounds like the other 2 girls are closer to eachother than they are to your dd. That doesn't excuse them being mean to your dd, but it can explain why your dd is the one left out.
I'd encourage her to start inviting other friends for playdates and outings.

Girl drama stinks, just be there for your dd when she needs a shoulder to cry and to give her advice. Don't get involved with the other mom's, that just adds to the drama!

 

[trip]

It's not unusual for someone to feel left out when playing in a group of 3 . I would encourage your daughter to spend some time with other girls.

 

[Procrastinate]

It has been a while since mine were that age, but as I recall having three girls that age try to do anything together is always a problem. One is always left out. Limit it to one friend at a time or add a fourth girl. Of course, this doesn't help if you bump into a third girl in public places.

 

[nugov2]

Honestly I just would say find some other girls to play with. Obviously that girl isn't being very kind based on what you have said. I'm very blunt with my kids about how they are being treated or how they treat others. Life is to short to waste time with people who make you feel bad most of the time. I agree with the even number get togethers though. That usually makes things smoother. I also probably would have walked over to all three girls and said you don't exclude anyone and need to play nice. If I hear that nonsense at my house I tell them to knock it off or they have to go home, but I also didn't intervene until I felt it was starting to escalate to a level of tears etc. I feel like grades 2-4 are rougher, but then it gets better. they learn who are good friends and who they want to be around. My dd has surrounded herself around some great people so the drama is very minimal. I can have 5 or 6 girls here and there isn't one issue. It will get better.

 

[ronandannette]

It's not unusual for someone to feel left out when playing in a group of 3 . I would encourage your daughter to spend some time with other girls.

Yep - 3 is a really awkward number when kids get together; there's really no good way to handle it other than avoidance when at all possible. Keep it to just the 2 of them or invite a larger group. The chance-encounter at the amusement park was pretty bad luck and destined to end badly because practically all rides are designed to seat people in pairs. If I'd been Girl A's Mom I probably would have gently insisted that my kid stay with your kid, since we'd specifically come on the outing together. FWIW, I agree with the poster upthread that mentioned pulling back from Girl A. It seems like a lot of the issues involve her and the fact that she apparently prefers other kids to your DD.

 

[aaarcher86]

I've just told my kids that people who only act like friends sometimes aren't really friends.

I let her handle it from there but I've definitely stopped trying to get together with people over it too.

 

[dotfurio]

ODD had this issue in an older grade. She was friends with two girls who were best friends with each other, so often when the 3 were together they would exclude DD. The other moms weren't there so I just reminded them that they all need to play together with everyone, and I would hope if situation was reversed they would say something to DD. I know my own DD has been guilty of excluding others and I've had that conversation with her as well. Sometimes kids don't think outside their own perspective and need to be reminded.

Mostly, though, we just started arranging get-togethers with one girl at a time so we could avoid the issue all together. She's still great friends with each girl and they have a great time when it's just DD and one of them. At school they hung around in a big enough group that DD had other kids to interact with.

 

[Skywalker]

The common denominator seems to be Girl A, who honestly doesn't seem to like your daughter all that much. Is the fact that you and the mom became close friends influencing the playdates? Because it sounds like the friendship is being forced on the girls at this point, Girl A doesn't seem to want to hang around your daughter (for whatever reason) and your daughter thinks Girl A is mean and leaves her in tears. Maybe they just don't mesh...time to branch out.

 

[mom2rtk]

Girl A is just not that into her. At this point I would really encourage her to set up some outings with some other friends.

 

[Shanti]

I've had my first taste of kid drama and I need some advice from experienced parents out there.

Long story short: The girls are 7/8 years old and in second grade. DD has been good friends with Girl A for about 2 years now. They get along great one-on-one and the mom and I have become close friends too. They have a play date at least twice a month.

I have observed on a few occasions that Girl A tends to 'ditch' my DD when another friend is present. Example: we were at an amusement park. We ran into one of Girl A's other friends (that we did not know). Girl A ran ahead with new friend and only wanted to sit with new friend on rides. My DD was hurt and I was a bit irked that Girl A mom didn't even say anything like "hey, you came here with so and so, you should ride with her".

This same sort of scenario has happened a couple more times.

Yesterday things got worse. My DD has another close friend, Girl B. The whole group of us (DD, Girl A, Girl B) and us moms all went to the park. Again, Girl A purposely excluded my DD at the park. She wouldn't let DD help her and B dig in the sand, she said there wasn't enough room for my DD in tunnel (even though there was). Each time DD would walk over to me and cry (right in front of the other two moms). I would comfort her and tell her to go back and play. Finally she came back a THIRD time, crying and said loudly "GIRL A is still being mean!". Again, her mom said NOTHING! I had had enough by that point and just told DD 'ok we are leaving' and we left. I couldn't keep sending her back over there just to excluded again.

Her feelings were so hurt, because Girl A and Girl B are her closest little friends. So the fact that they would gang up on her and purposely exclude her was very hurtful.

Again, both girls are great with things are one-on-one, but as soon as it becomes a trio it's just a mess. And DD ALWAYS seems to be the 3rd wheel and the one left out. That bothers me as well. I don't want her to fall into that passive/victim role. I don't want her to be a mean girl of course but I don't want her to be bullied either.

Anyone have advice or similar stories? This is just the beginning of girl drama and I don't know how I'm going to handle this!

It's time for your daughter to branch out herself and find another girl to be her close friend. Girl A and B do not fit the bill, and I guarantee (even though your daughter won't likely believe it when told at first), that there are other nice, cool girls who will genuinely want to be her friend and who won't act this way.

I know she wants to cling to the old friend, and that part of you wants the other girl's mother to somehow rectify the situation & make girl A act the way she used to, but neither response will work.

Think of this as practice for the teenage years: you wouldn't encourage your daughter to pine after a boy who has lost interest in her or who mistreats her- you'd tell her to move on. This is the same kind of situation, except in kid form. A great opportunity for your daughter to learn that it's a big world out there with a lot of wonderful people.

 

[mjkacmom]

Consider this the first of many. This will eventually have a positive effect on your dd. She will learn who is, and who isn't a friend. She will learn that it is hurtful to leave someone out. She will learn that a true friend doesn't make you feel sad.

And it will teach you that 3 girls together is a recipe for disaster!

 

[leebee]

I don't have any advice. I have always said "3" is a bad number for girls- regardless of age.

 

[sk!mom]

I've had my first taste of kid drama and I need some advice from experienced parents out there.

Long story short: The girls are 7/8 years old and in second grade. DD has been good friends with Girl A for about 2 years now. They get along great one-on-one and the mom and I have become close friends too. They have a play date at least twice a month.

Again, both girls are great with things are one-on-one, but as soon as it becomes a trio it's just a mess. And DD ALWAYS seems to be the 3rd wheel and the one left out. That bothers me as well. I don't want her to fall into that passive/victim role. I don't want her to be a mean girl of course but I don't want her to be bullied either.

Anyone have advice or similar stories? This is just the beginning of girl drama and I don't know how I'm going to handle this!

First of all, I'm sorry! Girl drama is the worst.

A couple of observations...

Your DD is moving from the stage where we kind of pick their friends for them by arranging play dates and having them play with the children of our friends to the stage where she will choose her own friends. You'll do yourself, and her, a favor if you begin to bow out. Offer advice to her when problems arise but let her manage her friendships. It seems that she and girl A aren't as close as you think or might like. Is it possible that they are kind of being pushed together because of your friendship with the other mom? I would begin to put some distance there. Get together less often and only when it will be just the two and the moms. I would encourage her to pursue other new friendships.

I will agree that threesomes don't work unless they are coming together on their own rather than put together by moms. By high school, my DD's closest friendship group was a threesome.

You can't change other people. Help your DD learn to stand up for herself rather than crying. It will definitely be a hurt if she considers this girl a good friend so help her see the problems in the friendship and then help her stand up for herself and move on if necessary.

 

[diznygirl]

I'd get close enough to the playing to hear what's being said make sure it's not your daughter trying to exclude the third girl to protect her friendship with A.

If after observing you've determined that A is bring mean, then I would just avoid them. Who wants to be friends with a mean person? And nobody has time for that drama!

 

[mjkacmom]

First of all, I'm sorry! Girl drama is the worst.

A couple of observations...

Your DD is moving from the stage where we kind of pick their friends for them by arranging play dates and having them play with the children of our friends to the stage where she will choose her own friends. You'll do yourself, and her, a favor if you begin to bow out. Offer advice to her when problems arise but let her manage her friendships. It seems that she and girl A aren't as close as you think or might like. Is it possible that they are kind of being pushed together because of your friendship with the other mom? I would begin to put some distance there. Get together less often and only when it will be just the two and the moms. I would encourage her to pursue other new friendships.

I will agree that threesomes don't work unless they are coming together on their own rather than put together by moms. By high school, my DD's closest friendship group was a threesome.

You can't change other people. Help your DD learn to stand up for herself rather than crying. It will definitely be a hurt if she considers this girl a good friend so help her see the problems in the friendship and then help her stand up for herself and move on if necessary.

This is so true! I have several good friends that we used to do playgroup with, for years. Dd13 is no longer close with some of their daughters (one across the street). There is no animosity- just in different groups, that formed once they got to school (same elementary school). Some kids click, some don't. A couple of moms couldn't understand this, and would try to force friendships (which never works).