DD hates me

[kamik86]

Folks tell Mom to try email next time, why didn't the daughter email the mother when she knew her phone was out of order? Why didn't she borrow a phone when she saw her Mother was trying to get her? She was very inconsiderate.

I do wonder one thing... who normally does the calling mom or daughter? In my case mom wants to talk more then I do (I call when I have something to talk about) there are times where I go days without calling anyone on my phone or getting a call. (espeically on weekends if I"m with my husband who calls me most often). So I could actually go a few days before I even realized my phone wasn't working.

 

[eliza61]

I screwed up big time. My DD (26) calls me every day on her way to work.

I hadn't heard from her since Tuesdays call. We usually talk every day.

I called twice Wednesday and and again today. Then I started calling once an hour. All straight to voice mail.

So after working myself up and talking to my DH, I called her work (she is #2 in charge), shes off but her boss might know where she is. Well, he's not in... I talk to two other supervisors. The one I know, I ask if she's heard from my daughter. She says she will talk to the people in the company she knows my daughter is friendly with.

Long story short....DD phone was broken. No calls in or out. That is she could see incoming calls from me, but had no voice mail and couldn't answer.

Anyway, she borrowed a phone to tell me she hate, hate, hates me and will never speak to me again. I've ruined her position at her work, embarrassed her, etc.

So, I know I did wrong, but how do I fix it?

What is the acceptable number of days to not hear from your adult child?

Is it me or does that seem a bit dramatic? Really she's 26 and she's running around screaming "I hate you, Ihate you"? That stop working for me with my mom around the time when I was 5.
I think I yelled at my mom that I hated her and she calmly turned around and said "I'll get over it". LOL.

 

[Mermaid02]

I do wonder one thing... who normally does the calling mom or daughter? In my case mom wants to talk more then I do (I call when I have something to talk about) there are times where I go days without calling anyone on my phone or getting a call. (espeically on weekends if I"m with my husband who calls me most often). So I could actually go a few days before I even realized my phone wasn't working.

I believe the OP said her dd could see incoming calls but could not answer them or call out. That is why I can't believe the daughter didn't find a way to get in touch with her Mom. If a family member tries to get me- I return their call. It could be important (someone is in the hospital etc) or it could be they want Gram's recipe for blueberry muffins. I'd rather find out than be sorry later.

 

[Mermaid02]

Is it me or does that seem a bit dramatic?

Which part?

 

[jodifla]

I think if this were just a random day that the OP couldn't get hold of her, then yes, it would be inappropriate to call her work. But they had (as I understand it) an agreement that they will always speak on Tuesdays. That's why it was so important to find out if she was okay - because she basically missed an appointment.

No, they speak EVERY day, and they spoke last on Tuesday....she didn't hear from her on Wednesday, that's when the mom's escalation began.

 

[SaraJayne]

I would have thought your behavior perfectly reasonable until you typed the phrase "she is my world."

That is entirely too much of a burden for anyone to bear! You need to back off and let her live her life. Don't call her unless its something truly important - wait for her to call you. Find other things to do with yourself and focus on.

The truth is, on the outside it doesn't seem *that* unreasonable. Then there's the fact that she's "your world". Then there's the fact that you called once EVERY HOUR. That is suffocating. Maybe she was going to call you once her phone was fixed. Or she was going to call you when her phone didn't fix itself...then you started harassing her and she decided to ignore you. I wouldn't have called you back after that - the only person who has done that to me in my adult life is a boyfriend I had just broken up with!!

Since you didn't realize that if you were that close, then the police would have been calling you or her work would have been calling you if something was truly wrong - What you should have done was called her work early in the morning the following day and said simply "I cannot seem to get ahold of my daughter, would you please give her a message to call me when she gets a chance? Thank you."

I cannot imagine calling someone once every hour after they didn't answer my first call/voicemail. If I was that concerned, I would have gone to their house or otherwise tried to track them down.

 

[jodifla]

I would have thought your behavior perfectly reasonable until you typed the phrase "she is my world."

That is entirely too much of a burden for anyone to bear! You need to back off and let her live her life. Don't call her unless its something truly important - wait for her to call you. Find other things to do with yourself and focus on.

The truth is, on the outside it doesn't seem *that* unreasonable. Then there's the fact that she's "your world". Then there's the fact that you called once EVERY HOUR. That is suffocating. Maybe she was going to call you once her phone was fixed. Or she was going to call you when her phone didn't fix itself...then you started harassing her and she decided to ignore you. I wouldn't have called you back after that - the only person who has done that to me in my adult life is a boyfriend I had just broken up with!!

Since you didn't realize that if you were that close, then the police would have been calling you or her work would have been calling you if something was truly wrong - What you should have done was called her work early in the morning the following day and said simply "I cannot seem to get ahold of my daughter, would you please give her a message to call me when she gets a chance? Thank you."

I cannot imagine calling someone once every hour after they didn't answer my first call/voicemail. If I was that concerned, I would have gone to their house or otherwise tried to track them down.

Great post.

And the daughter acts young with her mom because that's the kind of relationship the MOTHER has encouraged.

 

[SaraJayne]

Is it me or does that seem a bit dramatic? Really she's 26 and she's running around screaming "I hate you, Ihate you"? That stop working for me with my mom around the time when I was 5.
I think I yelled at my mom that I hated her and she calmly turned around and said "I'll get over it". LOL.

I think the DD comes by the dramatics naturally.

 

[ols386]

I don't think you were wrong at all. At a certain point in time, when you don't hear from someone (especially your child) when you normally talk to them everyday, you start to think that possibly something happened to them. I think it would be wrong if you didn't call around, even to her place of work, trying to locate her.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Sorry OP but I think you were horribly wrong. I understand you were worried and that was not wrong. Your DD should have made sure she called you somehow to let you know about her phone. BUT - but you do not mess with a grown woman's job. You really crossed a line there and I do not at all blame your DD for being furious with you even if she is overreacting a bit.

Send her an email apologizing and wait for her to make the next step.

 

[luvmy3]

I think many folks are missing the fact that there was an established pattern of communication here- THAT is why Mom was concerned when the pattern was inexplicably halted. The daughter is 26 years old, if she doesn't feel the need to talk to Mom every day, SAY SO. She's obviously immature- no matter her work credentials.

Folks tell Mom to try email next time, why didn't the daughter email the mother when she knew her phone was out of order? Why didn't she borrow a phone when she saw her Mother was trying to get her? She was very inconsiderate.

Part of the pattern was that they spoke while the dd was on her way to work, the dd had the day off. She didn't talk to her for 1 day, not a week, maybe the dd didn't think she had to email her mom, or borrow a phone because she didn't imagine her mom would over-react the way she did. Again, I'm not excusing her behavior (the hate comment) but I wouldn't say she was inconsiderate for not informing her mom the pattern would be broken, she took a day off from work and didn't call her mom to check in. She is 26, not 12 and shouldn't have to keep her mom posted on every single detail of her daily life. If it had been a week, sure I'd say she was inconsiderate for not letting her mom know, but it was 1 day

 

[tlbwriter]

No, they speak EVERY day, and they spoke last on Tuesday....she didn't hear from her on Wednesday, that's when the mom's escalation began.

You're right, I misread that.

So, I think both parties are being too dramatic.

 

[Mermaid02]

I don't think you were wrong at all. At a certain point in time, when you don't hear from someone (especially your child) when you normally talk to them everyday, you start to think that possibly something happened to them. I think it would be wrong if you didn't call around, even to her place of work, trying to locate her.

Right- no matter if someone thinks the pattern of communication was excessive, it was an established pattern and was broken suddenly and inexplicably.

 

[SaraJayne]

I am flabbergasted at those that believe it's perfectly normal for a mother to harass her grown DD at work, by calling every single hour until she talked to her.

In what world is that ok and normal??

 

[Mermaid02]

I am flabbergasted at those that believe it's perfectly normal for a mother to harass her grown DD at work, by calling every single hour until she talked to her.

In what world is that ok and normal??

I think she was calling the cell hourly not her work phone. All Mom wanted was "Yep, I'm fine, stupid cell is busted- I'll call you when I get it fixed!" How hard is that?

 

[majimikate]

OP, I hope you and your daughter can make peace, and soon. Everyone has a different relationship with their parents/kids, so one person's normal is going to seem overbearing to some, uninvolved to others, all dependent on their own experience.

I live in NY, and locally there is a missing persons case that is somewhat similar to this. A young man, 32, has been missing since January 2, 2011. He was last seen in a business district of the city on Sunday, 1/2, at night, and hasn't been seen or heard from since. His father usually spoke to him daily, and had spoken to him on Sunday morning, but then became concerned when he did not hear from him again over the next couple of days. His car was found near where he was last seen, with wallet and cell phone in it. There are reward signs posted everywhere, they had divers in the river in full dry suits a couple of weeks ago, and there seem to be (at least made public) no leads. I saw his family hanging flyers last weekend and felt so badly for them. I can't imagine their pain.

OP, I hope you and your daughter can work it out. And everyone who can, hold a good thought or prayer for this family.

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

I don't think you were wrong at all. At a certain point in time, when you don't hear from someone (especially your child) when you normally talk to them everyday, you start to think that possibly something happened to them. I think it would be wrong if you didn't call around, even to her place of work, trying to locate her.

And how does her place of employment know why mom is calling? How do they know it could have been an emergency as someone else stated (someone in hospital, etc). OP didn't have to say "I am calling b/c I haven't heard from her". KWIM? Why is it any of their business why mom is calling?

If I talked to DD everyday and I didn't hear from her at all and then I called her cell and no answer, as a parent I think that you automatically think the worst has happened. And as a parent you NEVER stop worrying about your kids, no matter how old they are.

 

[SaraJayne]

I think she was calling the cell hourly not her work phone. All Mom wanted was "Yep, I'm fine, stupid cell is busted- I'll call you when I get it fixed!" How hard is that?

You are right, it was her cell, not work phone...which is still overboard.

Maybe DD feels suffocated and wants OP to back off. I wouldn't blame her.

 

[kamik86]

I just remembered something that made me really think this Mom overreacted.

My husband normally calls me every day on his lunch break just to say hi see how my day is going and find out if I think I'll be late at work for any reason (he picks me up after he gets out and sometimes with meetings with people in other time zones I won't find out until that day that I have to stay a bit late for a meeting).

One day I get no calls at all. I plan to be out at the normal time anyway so I just left and waited to see if he showed up. He is a few min. late so I start getting a bit worried but they he came. Notice I didn't panic and call his work (I have the number for his store). What happend? He forgot his phone at home.

Now yeah he probably should have called me from the work phone or borrowed a co-workers and let me know this espeically since he got out a bit late but it wasn't that big of a deal, and this was my husband who I was supposed to be meeting.

I will agree that screaming I hate you over and over is dramatic but then again are we sure that is really want happened? When I was in high school and things with my mom were dramatic I remember her claiming I was screaming she hated me when when I really said was "Mom I really hate how you always want to know every detail of what I do and why I do it for every second of the day!!" I think this was in response to her asking why I was getting tylenol, and when I told her I had a headache she wanted to know why I had a headache... I admit I said this in a nasty and immature tone but still wasn't as bad as mom made it sound to be.

 

[babyrich]

My mom passed away 20 years ago before the cell phone craze; but she would have done the same thing if she had not heard from me. She also would have called the police to go to my home if she couldn't get me at work. Not everyone parents the same.

If they have a regular pattern of phone calls and it suddenly stops with no explanation, she had every right to worry. What if, God forbid, something had been wrong with her DD?? Would she still hate her mom for being so persistent?

I think your DD will get over it. Now you know that you should "back off" a little. She obviously doesnt appreciate your worrying about her.