DD has a secret boyfriend...how to handle

[luvmy3]

I think any parent that tells their 14 year old they are too young for boyfriends will inevitably find out about a secret one. It may be when the relationship is new, or it may be decades from now when your child comes clean
Having said that I don't have a problem restricting real dating at that age, which I don't consider only spending time with eachother at school as really dating. Being interested in the opposite sex is very natural at that age, and something that can't be controlled. So, IMO its the perfect time for a girl (and boy) to learn about having a relationship with the opposite sex, and it doesn't have to be serious, it can just be hanging out in 5th period lunch 5 days a week. It can be coming over for dinner with the family and watching a movie. I would rather be willing to let my dd have some boyfriend priveledges that I approve of, then her sneaking behind my back doing who knows what.

 

[Cinderella94]

Where is it rude? Is it directed at someone personally? No, it isn't.

Your post contains: "I don't know what naive planet some of you live on..."

Some would call that rude.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

Your post contains: "I don't know what naive planet you live on..."

You, as in the general you, not a you specific as your posts were.

 

[Cinderella94]

You, as in the general you, not a you specific as your posts were.

That doesn't make it un-rude all of a sudden .


And, my posts? I'm sorry, which of my posts were rude?

 

[Principessa1284]

Somebody's signature has it.. "The CB.. beating one dead horse at a time." or something like that.

This thread has become a textbook example. Just sayin'.

and to OP - good luck with your daughter. Your rules are your rules for sure, but perhaps you could strike some sort of compromise on this front.

 

[Cinderella94]

Somebody's signature has it.. "The CB.. beating one dead horse at a time." or something like that.

This thread has become a textbook example. Just sayin'.

 

[Nik's Mom]

I'm sorry you find me rude and mean. It certainly is not my intention. Frankly, this post is very threatening- you obviously are trying to get me banned from the boards.

I feel as though you are not listening to what the majority of posters on this thread are saying, instead you are twisting the posts every way possible. This is a discussion board, nobody has all the information- we all post opinions and make statements without knowing the circumstances of everyone's lives.

I'm late to this thread. For the record, I didn't find your posts rude or mean. You are stating your opinion and someone doesn't like it.

Anyway, I think the op needs to have an open discussion with the daughter. I personally don't see a problem with having a boyfriend at that age, as long as there are boundaries. The problem with the op's daughter is that she is lying about it. There needs to be a dialogue between parents and child.

 

[SeaShelley]

W_L_D - As for your perception of other posters being “snarky, rude and condescending”, it has no merit. That behavior is not unlike a whiny tattletale, except we’re adults. I liken it to someone reporting your posts for being unrealistic, argumentative & contradictory. I don’t have to agree with you, but I’m not going to report you for having a differing opinion.

 

[SaraJayne]

Looks like someone has taken off her firesuit….OP – you are setting rules for your daughter, which is what every parent should do; however, you’ve posted on a public forum asking for suggestions. What were you expecting? Not everyone here is going to agree with you and their suggestions on how to handle the situation are not always going to be what you want to hear. So why bother?

You’ve made it clear from your posts that there is no flexibility in your household when it comes to rule breaking – “there will be no discussion and trust will have to be rebuilt” – why were you even asking for advice?

As for your perception of other posters being “snarky, rude and condescending”, it has no merit. That behavior is not unlike a whiny tattletale, except we’re adults. I liken it to someone reporting your posts for being unrealistic, argumentative & contradictory. I don’t have to agree with you, but I’m not going to report you for having a differing opinion.

You may want to consider putting that firesuit back on……

I just want to clarify that the poster who has been saying posts are rude and threatening to tattle on posters she doesn't like is NOT the OP.

The couple posts I've seen from the OP have been nothing but sincere and respectful.

 

[golfgal]

re facebook status. DD18's status says that she is married to a girl. It is totally meaningless.

I just checked my DDs facebook page and she is married with 5 children and has 4 extra siblings. I don't put much stock in FB posting. And no, you can list them as your spouse or in a relationship without their OK, it just isn't highlighter without their approval.

No kidding. DD has several siblings I don't recall giving birth to . One of her friends is her "mom" and I don't think she has a Dad according to Facebook (Immaculate Conception perhaps).

 

[SeaShelley]

I just want to clarify that the poster who has been saying posts are rude and threatening to tattle on posters she doesn't like is NOT the OP.

The couple posts I've seen from the OP have been nothing but sincere and respectful.

SJ - you're right...my apologies to the to the OP. My emotions got the best of me!!

 

[marlynnp]

wow

some people should probably check their blood pressure. I'm afraid they may stroke out.


OP, loosen the apron strings, keep communication open and flowing - even if you aren't getting responses - talk about issues, if you're driving her places she's a captive audience! And don't be afraid to tell her about some of your experiences including the 'mistakes'.

 

[Jennasis]

May be time for some people to take DISboards time out.

 

[scrapquitler]

I just want to clarify that the poster who has been saying posts are rude and threatening to tattle on posters she doesn't like is NOT the OP.

The couple posts I've seen from the OP have been nothing but sincere and respectful.

Thank you

OP Here: I'm going to reply quickly before I disappear for the weekend because I'm worried that if I don't this thread is going to be closed and I'll be unable to reply when I get home on Sunday.

THANK YOU ALL for your replies. I know that a most of you were sincerely trying to be helpful and relating your own experiences to me. I've read a lot that I agree with, and for those of you who provided me with specific strategies for discussing this with my daughter (and my husband), I am very grateful. I also read a lot that I disagree with (in some cases I disagree with some of the comments VERY strongly), but I've read with an open mind and I have spent a lot of time the last 24 hours thinking about all the different perspectives. DH and I had a long conversation about this last night and we've had a conversation with our DD about it as well. We've all clarified our expectations and reiterated the 'rules' and we have all come to an agreement and some guidelines that everyone can live with.

I'm not going into details about our discussion, but we clarified to our DD that he is NOT her 'boyfriend' because there is no 'dating' going on (Nor will there be), that it is going to remain an 'at school' thing, that her FB page will continue to be monitored (and she has no issue with that) and that the secrecy will NOT be tolerated (and a consequence has been put in place for the willfull deceit). And she is okay with all of that. And she did open up and talk to me about the relationship finally, and I'm not thrilled, but I'm no longer completely freaked out like I was.

And for those that were concerned that she doesn't go out besides school and dance: she doesn't have any extra time to do so. She has a couple of close friends and will occasionally go to one of their homes, but that is a family we are comfortable with. She spends a lot of hours each week at dance (8 hours over two days), she spends a lot of time studying and she spends a lot of time with her cousins and other relatives, so it is not like we have her locked in the house and lacking all social intervention. If there were places she wanted to go, she could go, but she would rather not...she likes to be at home. She has no interest in the going to the mall and hanging around or that sort of thing. So please don't be concerned about that.

Thanks to all of you, even those that I still think are dead wrong. I did listen and take into consideration everything you said.

 

[scrapquitler]

talk about issues, if you're driving her places she's a captive audience! And don't be afraid to tell her about some of your experiences including the 'mistakes'.

I did have to comment about this.....my Mom told met his years ago....that when I need to discuss something with the kids, take them for a ride, then they are a captive audience and sometimes it's easier to have the conversation while you are driving and can look straight ahead and not have to look right at them....and it is SO true!

 

[We_Love_Disney]

I think you are delusional if you think this is true. Maybe MANY parents don't find out Susie eats lunch with Jimmy every day at school. The girl in the OP is NOT DATING. She and the boy do NOT go out together. They merely see each other in school.

And no one thinks this is rude? Really? Wow. I called her out on this comment and made reference to other comments she has made. I think when you directly insult someone for having a difference of opinion, then that comment should be reported. If you can't have a discussion without insulting, yeah, I think there is a problem. As for having the rest of the group rounded up and dis-ing ya, well whatever floats your boat. You have only clearly illustrated what a group mentality can do, much like peer pressure, of course if there are rules they are enforced, then well, . Parents can and should have rules that they think are beneficial for their children, and regardless if 99.999% think they are too harsh, it really isn't anyone else's concern.