DD has a secret boyfriend...how to handle

[scrapquitler]

First thought is lock her in her room and never let her out.

She's a HS freshman, just turned 14 in the fall. Has been told point blank, you are too young for boyfriends. Today I found out from the mommy network that she DOES have a boyfriend for the last 2-3 weeks. He's a junior, at least 16 1/2 based on the fact that he has a drivers license. I haven't heard ANYTHING about it. I just signed on to her FB account and read HIS wall, which announces that he is 'in a relationship with xxxx'.

DH doesn't know, YET. I'm trying to figure out how to approach this calmly. I don't dare jeopardize my mommy network information line (DD told her friend, who told her mom, who told me). But I can manage around that as it is obvious on FB.

Any suggestions? (I'll put on my firesuit in case I am about to be pummeled).

ETA: she never sees him outside of school. we go out of state every weekend, and the only time she isn't home during the school week is when she is at dance class, and the director definitely doesn't allow any boys at the studio when the teen classes are there.

 

[GoodFairies]

IMO, any parent who puts that kind of restriction on their high school student should be prepared for rebellion. So she has a "boyfriend" that she sees during the school day only? I cannot think of any reason why this would upset a parent to the point of being forbidden. It's time to open the lines of communication and meet this boy. Otherwise, I think you are setting up for bigger problems down the road.

 

[ckay87]

You simply can't control your kids relationships, IMO. You can try, but you will fail. Concentrate on what you can control, such as curfews, where she goes and with who, etc.

I think a cute little relationship at this age is perfectly harmless (and good practice for a someday-real relationship) as long as she doesn't get full reign to do whatever she wants.

 

[MichelleVW]

First thought is lock her in her room and never let her out.

She's a HS freshman, just turned 14 in the fall. Has been told point blank, you are too young for boyfriends. Today I found out from the mommy network that she DOES have a boyfriend for the last 2-3 weeks. He's a junior, at least 16 1/2 based on the fact that he has a drivers license. I haven't heard ANYTHING about it. I just signed on to her FB account and read HIS wall, which announces that he is 'in a relationship with xxxx'.

DH doesn't know, YET. I'm trying to figure out how to approach this calmly. I don't dare jeopardize my mommy network information line (DD told her friend, who told her mom, who told me). But I can manage around that as it is obvious on FB.

Any suggestions? (I'll put on my firesuit in case I am about to be pummeled).

ETA: she never sees him outside of school. we go out of state every weekend, and the only time she isn't home during the school week is when she is at dance class, and the director definitely doesn't allow any boys at the studio when the teen classes are there.

Uh, chill out and calm down because telling a high school freshman they can't have a boyfriend is just plain silly.

 

[5lilfish]

First thought is lock her in her room and never let her out.

She's a HS freshman, just turned 14 in the fall. Has been told point blank, you are too young for boyfriends. Today I found out from the mommy network that she DOES have a boyfriend for the last 2-3 weeks. He's a junior, at least 16 1/2 based on the fact that he has a drivers license. I haven't heard ANYTHING about it. I just signed on to her FB account and read HIS wall, which announces that he is 'in a relationship with xxxx'.

DH doesn't know, YET. I'm trying to figure out how to approach this calmly. I don't dare jeopardize my mommy network information line (DD told her friend, who told her mom, who told me). But I can manage around that as it is obvious on FB.

Any suggestions? (I'll put on my firesuit in case I am about to be pummeled).

My kids are 13, 12, 11, 3 and 3. So I am a tiny step behind you. I will not set any hard fast rules on what age they need to be to date. I think that just sets you up for problems. Here is what recently happened to us with my 12 yr old DD. I have always had a little saying with her that we both have repeated (semi-jokingly but also not a joke)..you are too young to be into boys. Then one day I asked her about this boy, Michael that I new she was talking with quite a bit. I said something like...is Michael a good friend. What I got back was a long pause. I knew they were not dating in any true sense but I could tell she liked this boy. The next thing I said was, "Ok. It's time for a new line. No more you're too young. The new line is: You know you can tell Mom anything and that the more honest you are with me, the better both of our lives are going to be!!!" I don't want to encourage my 12 yr old to date (Michael's Mom is on the same page...we've since met and talked)...and she really isn't. In the 6 months since this conversation the only time these 2 have even seen each other outside of school was when he invited her over to swim (with his mom and younger brother). Still...I feel it is better to be flexible and know that my daughter is comfortable being honest with me and talking to me about what is going on in her life.

Jess

 

[TheIncredibles!]

If they do not see each other outside of school then what is the bid deal?

 

[princesspiglet]

Coming from someone who had a boyfriend at 14 and also started having sex with said boyfriend at 14- he was also 2 years older than me- I would talk to your daughter about it. Talk to her calmy about why you think she is too young to date and what can happen with an older boy.

If my mom would have talked to me about it, I probabaly would have stopped dating him (because I valued her opinion and wanted to always please her), but she never knew about it- until we got caught having sex in school- in the boys locker room- by the gym teacher

 

[MIGrandma]

I had "boyfriends" from 7th grade on up in school. I wasn't allowed to date a boy alone until I was 16. But group outings (to football/basketball games, school dances, movies, etc.) were allowed. Personally, at 14 and a freshman in high school I think it's time to loosen the apron strings a little.

 

[dejr_8]

OP: What age do you think is appropriate to have a boyfriend?

 

[ckay87]

Uh, chill out and calm down because telling a high school freshman they can't have a boyfriend is just plain silly.

And no better way to ensure that she'll hide EVERYTHING from you. If she can't even tell you she has a little boyfriend, she's certainly never going to confide in you for any REAL problems. I know I wouldn't.

My boys had/have girlfriends at 14 and I actually take them places with us. I figure they're going to be boyfriend/girlfriend no matter what I say, so I may as well keep an eye on them myself. Them sneaking around is a recipe for disaster. Just IMO.

 

[Cinderella94]

They don't see each other outside of school- what's the big deal? And really-she's in high school already. She will have boyfriends.

 

[jlewisinsyr]

The more rules you make, the more likely your kids are going to break them out of rebellion. It's better to have open communication and be flexible while still being a responsible parent.

I am not a parent, but I look at how I was raised versus my friends. I had very few hardset rules growing up but I had open communication with my parents allowing me to be me while still being respectful of their personal desires/wishes. Now you have some of my friends who were "restricted" in just about every part of their life outside of what they did in school and trust me, they rebelled, a lot and some had to accept the consequences of breaking certain rules.

 

[Cinderella94]

And no better way to ensure that she'll hide EVERYTHING from you. If she can't even tell you she has a little boyfriend, she's certainly never going to confide in you for any REAL problems. I know I wouldn't.

My boys had/have girlfriends at 14 and I actually take them places with us. I figure they're going to be boyfriend/girlfriend no matter what I say, so I may as well keep an eye on them myself. Them sneaking around is a recipe for disaster. Just IMO.

OP: take this approach. A 14 year old is not going to tell a 16 year old boy "Sorry, I have to break up with you because my mommy says so." The idea that you can control this is laughable.

 

[pennymom]

I started dating at 13, and don't recall dating any boy that was less that a year or two older than me...boys my age were just too immature. I agreed with PP who said you may be setting yourself up for some rebellion if she's not allowed to date, she is in HS after all! Definitely set some rules for when she can and can't see him, and maybe some about how old she has to be to be in a car with a boyfriend, but you should definitely meet him and see what kind of kid he is. And remember that she needs to make some mistakes/good decisions/bad decisions in her relationships now, in order to make good decision later when they really matter. The more comfortable she is bringing home a boyfriend, the more comfortable she will be talking with you about her love life, and the more you'll truly know what's going on in her life (and in her head!).

 

[Liberty Belle]

IMO, any parent who puts that kind of restriction on their high school student should be prepared for rebellion. So she has a "boyfriend" that she sees during the school day only? I cannot think of any reason why this would upset a parent to the point of being forbidden. It's time to open the lines of communication and meet this boy. Otherwise, I think you are setting up for bigger problems down the road.

MTE.

I'd relax, OP. And nicely, and calmly ask her about him.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

Your daughter is intentionally deceiving you, that is a problem. Just because she only sees him at school is of little solace as well.... where there is a will there is a way. A secret relationship is not good.

You and your husband need to talk with your daughter, focus on her lying (even if it is lying by omission) rather than she has a boyfriend. She is betraying a trust and a rule she was made aware of. Cell phone/social networking would be restricted for a few weeks, imho.

It isn't cute that a 14 year old girl is secretly dating a 16 year old. The 14 year old has no one but peers to turn to about advise and that is dangerous.

I agree with you and your husband, 14 is too young for dating. She has a lifetime to have romance. Parents are quite naive to think that teens dating is all harmless - it is so far from that.

Good luck.

 

[Jennasis]

First thought is lock her in her room and never let her out.

She's a HS freshman, just turned 14 in the fall. Has been told point blank, you are too young for boyfriends. Today I found out from the mommy network that she DOES have a boyfriend for the last 2-3 weeks. He's a junior, at least 16 1/2 based on the fact that he has a drivers license. I haven't heard ANYTHING about it. I just signed on to her FB account and read HIS wall, which announces that he is 'in a relationship with xxxx'.

DH doesn't know, YET. I'm trying to figure out how to approach this calmly. I don't dare jeopardize my mommy network information line (DD told her friend, who told her mom, who told me). But I can manage around that as it is obvious on FB.

Any suggestions? (I'll put on my firesuit in case I am about to be pummeled).

ETA: she never sees him outside of school. we go out of state every weekend, and the only time she isn't home during the school week is when she is at dance class, and the director definitely doesn't allow any boys at the studio when the teen classes are there.

There's your problem!

Forbidden fruit. tell 'em that can't have it and boy do they go outta their way to get it.

You are fighting a losing battle here. Lift the embargo on dating and instead put reasonable limits on her social life. A curfew. Rules about when they can "go out" and with whom. Only group dates....mom/dad drives. No boys upstairs or in bedrooms. No PDA in the house etc...

14 is NOT too young to date.

Is it possible that the boy in question considers her his gf and she doesn't consider him a bf?

 

[proud_canadian]

Well, first I would never tell my daughter they couldn't have a boyfriend when they were in high school. In fact, my 6 year old has a "boyfriend" now.

I don't think I would ever tell my child at any age that they cannot have a boyfriend.

I would, however, put limits on the relationship depending on the age. For example, how often they would see each other or talk etc.

However, by putting such restrictions on your daughter, that will shut down all communications, which is the last thing you likely want to do. As long as things aren't getting to serious or too physical, etc. there is no harm in having a "boyfriend" at that.

I can remember kids in grade 7 and 8 when I was in school pairing up, and I believe the term was call "going out" (even though you never went out anywhere lol). "Going out" meant that everyone knew you liked each other, and you would sometimes hang out at recess. It wasn't until high school when things heightened to actual dates once in awhile, holding hands and talking on the phone.... NOW, I know a lot has changed in the past 20 years.... However, I would want the lines of communication open so that my daughter could come to me and talk.

However, I didn't tell my parents every time I liked a boy, or even every time I started "dating" a boy. It wasn't until we'd been together for a few weeks or even a month or two, that I would bother mentioning it to my parents. But my parents tried to be controlling at times as well and I wasn't always comfortable talking with them. I want to avoid that with my kids.

what are you afraid will happen if she has a boyfriend?

Try being more realistic with your restrictions and I bet you will find she opens up more if she isn't afraid to tell you things!

 

[pilesoflaundry]

I used to think the bf/gf thing in school only was no big deal until they caught the middle schoolers doing it in the bathroom. I don't mean kissing.

I think it's time to bring the bf thing up gently, don't tell her she can't because she's going to anyway (obviously) The more you push, the more she will dig her heels in.

Talk to her about being careful and is she really ready for a relationship. I don't think she is too young but I do think the boy is a bit on the too old side for her. If she was 15 I wouldn't think so. At that age 2.5 years is a huge difference.

 

[NotUrsula]

Call up and invite him and his parents to dinner. Getting to know him is the best way to get the situatoin out in the open and diffuse any illicit thrill that is there.

As a general rule, forbidding something is the surest way to get a teen to pursue it, and most of the time causes more problems than it solves. Better to tolerate their "relationship" but inject the rest of your family into it; give it some normalcy.