Daughter Failing Classes at College

[Pigeon]

My niece did lousy in (her expensive, private) college, and my brother and SIL paid for it for four years. At the end of the four years, she still needed a bunch of credits, and never did get her degree. My brother and SIL are very sweet people, but are a little lacking in spinal development, IMO. They aren't wealthy, and paying for her schooling was a financial burden, but one they willingly undertook.

If my kids pull that stunt, they will be allowed to move back home and attend the local community college until such time as their grades have sufficiently improved. At that point, we'll revisit the issue. But no way am I paying for 4 years on campus with no degree in sight.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I would see the report card first. I would also give her one more semester before pulling the plug!


I knew someone who would schedule classes, get her dad to pay for it, then drop out of half the classes and refund the money to herself! Her dad then only paid for a class after he saw a passing grade after the semester, like a refund.

This is whatsome friends do with their DD after said DD failed 3 classes her first semester. She had to work and earn enough $$$ to pay for her courses and dorm in advance (she ended up taking off one semester plus the summer to earn the money). Then, when the report card comes they reimburse her for the percentage of courses she passes with a C or better. So if she passes 12 out of 15 credits they will reminburse her for 4/5 of the tuition, 4/5 of housing, etc. She has only failed one course since it became HER money on the line AND she had all those months of working the type of lower paying job no degree will get you as incentive to want to stay in school.

 

[minniecarousel]

Something I wish we'd done with our sons: "we pay, we must see the grades, or no $$$ from us". If they had known that going into college, I believe that they would have been more diligent about going to classes and pulling decent grades.

 

[PenguinWaiters]

I work in Student Services at a college, mainly with freshmen, and often with students who are academically "at-risk." There have been a wide variety of responses here about what to do and I have seen all of them done successfully. Which one works for you will depend on you and your DD.

I would recommend that you talk to your DD and tell her what you have heard. As was mentioned previously, you may not get a mailed grade card - my school has grades online only and students have to log in to see them. This is not because we don't feel parents should be involved or because we are unconcerned about the fact that parents are spending a lot of $$ at our school but because the federal government requires us to keep academic information private and available only to the student. We could lose Federal Financial Aid if we are found in violation of FERPA.

We do STRONGLY encourage our students to keep their parents in the loop, but ultimately it is up to them whether they do so or not. We are not allowed to make that decision for them, no matter who is paying. A lot of parents expect us to mediate that conversation - I'm paying so I should have access to info. I don't disagree with that sentiment but that agreement HAS to be between the student and parent - I won't pay for your college unless you give me info.

So, if your DD really is failing two classes, you and she need to figure out what your best plan is.

A LOT of freshmen get off to a rough start, and usually not because they can't do the work but because they don't have good study or self management habits/skills. Many of these students do poorly their first semester and that is enough to make them realize they need to do something different. If your DD seems to be one of those students who is willing to make that change, then you might want to help her explore her options for the spring. She will most likely be placed on some kind of probation that will require her to use some academic services. If not or even if she is, help her find out what assistance is available and tell her that she needs to commit to using them. At my school we have a full time professional staff member who only works with freshmen who are struggling. She does tutoring and time management with them and many meet with her on a weekly basis. We also have peer tutors, writing staff, accommodations staff, etc... - basically a LOT of free help that is very underused.

I have seen MANY students who come back in the second semester WITH A PLAN FOR GETTING HELP that go on to do very well. The plan is the key.

On the other hand I also had one student who failed all of his classes because he would only go if his mom yelled at him to go. She would literally call him before every class and see if he was going. He did not return after the first semester and I think that was for the best. I really think he was not ready to be out on his own.

So, give your DD a little push to get help - if that seems to motivate her then she is probably good to continue and will do well. If she seems to need a big push or ongoing intense pushing from you, then she would probably be better off staying home and working for a while or going to community college while living at home. Give her one semester to do better and tell her that her continuation next year will depend on how well she does in the spring. While I see many freshmen bounce back and do well, I rarely see students who do poorly two, three or more semesters in a row manage to pull it together.

Sorry this is so long - this is just an issue I am so passionate about. I see so many parents and students struggle with these issues and college does cost so much $$ that it is hard to feel like any of it is wasted. However, the lessons your DD can learn about herself and what she need to do to get what she wants out of life and what she can do to help herself can be really valuable too. Good luck to both of you!

Terri

 

[Arielle22]

This brings back memories from my niece. My brother has 2 dd who are now 23 and 21. I have 4 sisters and we have adored them since they were born. One sister and I gave them their first cell phones (and were the cool aunts that Christmas). The first time dh asked me out I had DN23 in a carrier on my chest.

DN21 went to college in FL. The agreement was DB and DSIL would pay half her education and she would take loans for the other half. DN went wild, she got piercings and tatooed and drank way too much. In April we decided to visit her. It was my 3 sisters, myself and DN23.

DN21 only knew about 2 of my sisters and myself so it was a big surprise to see DN23. We get to the college and she is excited when my other sister and DN23 jump out from behind the car to surprise her. We have a great day and head back to the hotel. It was sisters in each room with 1 niece.

Both nieces ended up in my room talking. Then the fight began. They starting yelling and crying. When I tried to get one niece into the other room, my sister in that room refused. She was pregnant and cranky and didn't want the drama. I finally went into the living room (pull out sofa for bed) and got the story out of them. DN21 had told her sister that she was losing her partial scholarship due to bad grades. Also an ankle injury she had received a month earlier was from falling off a curb drunk (and breaking her cell phone). DN23 was castigating DN21. DN23 has always been the "good sister" and felt it her duty to take her sister to task.

As you can imagine this put a big damper on the next day (weekend trip). In the end we dropped DN back off at school the next day and flew home. DN23 tells my brother that the aunts overreacted to the fight and it was no big thing. I had enough and explained it to my brother. It didn't surprise him since he knew she was having issues.

Well 2 weeks go by and DN21 finds out she didn't lose the scholarship, it hadn't been posted to her account yet. She did end up transferring to a school back here when she became ill in her 2nd yr and is doing great. To this day that is simply referred to as "that trip".

The cherry on the sundae was that it was the weekend that Pope John Paul died. The sister I was sharing the room with insisted on having the tv on to follow the coverage. I am a practicing Catholic but with the drama in the other room I was at wits end.

Our revenge came when DN21 came home from the summer. She had her nose pierced while in FL and it was done incorrectly so she couldn't change the stud. So the aunts took her to a local tatoo/piercing parlor to have it changed. Imagine being a young woman with your 40 something yr old aunts examining different studs and giving our opinions loudly. Particularly when we noticed the ones for genitalia piercings. We even offered to go with her to the back room while her nose stud was changed. It was small revenge but it still makes us smile.

OP, I would ask your daughter how it was going. My dd are only 12 and 14 but I have told them if I am paying then I get a say, whether it is living at home or college.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

I would not summarily dismiss illness as a matter of course. This is the classic age of onset for a number of illnesses.

Have her get a thorough medical checkup, one that includes screening for depression and any serious mental illness.

That will give her an understanding of how serious you are, and also rule out anything that is beyond her control.

Then I would have a very open discussion with her. She may be questioning any number of things, including her values and sexual orientation.

Let her know that you love her unconditionally, and then work on a plan to get her the help she needs to bring her grades up.

I was a tutor for my four years of undergrad at SU and saw any number of students benefit from having a tutor.

Remember too, it's not unusual for learning disabilities to be diagnosed in the first year of college/uni. If that is the case, the office for academic support will be invaluable.

All the best to you and your child. Hopefully, it will be the most simplest thing that can be resolved quickly and completely.

 

[lulubelle]

I just wanted to say my DD had a rough freshman year. She failed Accounting and partied too much. You know, that "freedom away from parents" syndrome. Anyway, she is now half way through her junior year and has matured so much and is on track to graduate as planned in 2010. She admits she was out of control those first few months. She took Accounting again (with a tutor) and has put her nose to the grindstone. Give your DD a chance, don't be so harsh. Just my 2 cents.

P.S. Now if this behavior continues and she does not acknowlegde changes are in order, by all means bring on the consequences.

 

[helloirishkitty]

My first semester my freshman year was the worst of my life. I was 16, and way to young to deal with being away from home, a biochemistry courseload, and my older roomate who loved to smoke pot out of our window.

I ended up with a 2.23 GPA ... which was a wakeup call. My parents sat me down and talked about what I could do to get my grades up. They didn't threaten me, they just plainly said that it wasn't acceptable. I ended up giving them the password to my school account and from then on they monitored everything I did. My school had a class that you could take (1.0 credit) that taught you how to study and manage your time efficiently. My second semester I got a 4.0 and re-took the classes I got C's or less in over the summer. My first semester, sophomore year I pledged a sorority and learned even more about time management. Library hours are the best invention ever.

Now I'm in my very last year of school (getting my PharmD) and I'm very glad that I turned it around. Everyone needs time to adjust... if it doesn't get better during spring semester, then I'd go for the tough love. But 2 low grades could just be the swift kick in the butt she needs.

 

[Uuaww]

I am not a partier by any means and i don't drink much. I ended up on Academic Probation my first quarter with 2 Cs and a C-. You just have to learn to adapt to your surroundings. I never did well in college. But some parents have very unrealistic goals of there children. Yes she should be passing, but in my college, every class i have taken has had an average of 75% meaning more kids are getting C than anything else, some lower, some higher. C means average for college folks, not every kid is going to get above it. Parents, before you yell at your kids about there grades, make sure you learn about there averages and classes, some are harder than others.
I have a 2.3 and will graduate this year in 4 years. I never failed a class until this quarter (I have many other reasons for that) but did never get a D.

Basically, parents, learn about your childrens classes. If the average is an 88%, then you can get pissed, but if the average is 74%...

 

[Puncek]

Good luck! First, it is very important to stress to your daughter that the grades she gets now (even though she is only 18) can affect her career years down the road. Does she want to go to Graduate school? She needs to get a certain GPA, same with Medical school, Law school, even Art school to get your MFA, etc. Also, the hardest thing to do is to bring up your GPA, but it is 'easy' to maintain at a certain level. It is really hard watching your GPA creep up, over multiple semesters, knowing that if you only put in a little more effort when you were a Freshman you could be on the Dean's list, or graduate Cum Laude, Summa, etc. They do look at grades when going for certain jobs, and grades can help you get promotions, etc. I work for State Government and you get promoted by taking exams. You can take certain exams by the classes you took in college (as long as you got good grades). I have a co-worker who I am watching struggling with her daughter in her first year in College. The school is also there to help, they probably offer free tutoring, schedule managing, they can also teach one to study better. Also check out local libraries, they may have a course or two. Maybe put a little incentive in it for her, if she does well, or graduates with a certain Honors Level you will throw her a graduation bash, or bring her on a wonderful trip to 'the World.'

 

[thewishfire]

As others have said, see if there's a student success class at her school you can suggest she take.

I just finished one, which teaches study and personal skills (time-management, health, note-taking, etc). I didn't want to take the class at first, but I'm glad I did. If she's having problems just getting it together, something like this could be useful.


If by next semester she isn't doing well still because of something she can control (laziness, partying, etc.) then inform her she will either be having to pay her own way or at least pay for the classes she fails. I'm in school right now, and would expect the same treatment if I failed a class. I'm sure she'd appreciate her education more if it was earned - either by doing well or having to pay for it.

 

[yearbook50]

I know this is going to be unpopular but whatever. Reading this threads and many others on the Dis, I don't understand why so many parents are over concerned with their college student's lives. Then again, I don't understand why so many of you are paying for your child's education as they are an adult. Maybe help cosign loans but make them work to pay & the experience will be greater.

By college, you need to cut the strings and let them either fail or succeed. That is how it would be in the real world - a parent isn't going to be there to bail you out, or at least they shouldn't. Not everyone is meant for college & freshman year brings that out.

I failed one class in college my sophomore year, I told my mother and she said is I guess you better work harder next time.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would go with sitting down and mapping out a plan.

Tell her to hire some tutors if she needs that extra help because she is not understanding the material. Get into study groups, heck form some if there are none. I know that got me by.

Find out what the issues are first before you decide things. Decide things with her.

 

[MsDisney23]

If it is any consolation, you are not alone. The drop out rate of college freshman is very high (not saying your DD will drop out). For the first time, they are away from your continued scrutiny. There are so many temptations to keep them away from studying.

There have been times that I have wanted to ask DD about her priorities when she decides a movie on campus is more important than working on a paper she has due in two days. It is hard being a parent, but I think it is a learning experience for them.

Maybe you could sit down with your DD and tell her that you heard that she is failing two classes and that will mean the loss of her scholarship. Ask her where she intends to get the money to replace the scholarship. No, you don't have to make her come up with it necessarily, but it is a legitimate question.

Kids think money grows on trees and don't realize the consequences of their actions. I've told my DD that if she lets her grades fall to the point that she loses her scholarships, she will be taking out student loans. Fortunately, my DD is an over achiever, so it hasn't been a problem. A very dear friend of mine, however, had this problem with her daughter last year. Her daughter ended up having to make up the classes in summer school in order to keep her scholorships.

to you, OP!

Well said, I know at my DD's college some Freshmen are dropped after the first semester, while others are put on academic probation, At the end of the first year 1/3 will be dropped.

As far as asking your dd, I would be direct and ask her to show you some of her work. My dd will also be home on Friday.

 

[powellrj]

the deal with our oldest DS was that we will pay as long as you pass. He got a late start and didn't start until second semester. He was about 1/2 way through when the war broke out. 2 days into the war, he enlisted. When the recruiters came to the house, it was the same day we got the letter from school telling us he was failing because he didn't show up for class. That pretty much sealed the deal. You could go back to school and pay for it yourself or join the army.

He joined the army.

He did a hard year in Iraq and came home so battered that the army gave him a medical release. He went back to school, but this time he is paying for it. He is still under medical care and just spent time in the VA hospital because they thought he had colon cancer, but he actually asked the Doctors to release him for a few days so he could take a test at school. They let him go home for 2 days and had him go back just so he could take a test.

It breaks my heart because all of this could have been avoided if he would have just gone to school the first time, but he is a different person now and he really WANTS an education where before we were the ones that wanted the education.

 

[MELSMICE]

She fails a class she pays to repeat it. That is the policy we took with our youngest. It is tough love but unless you want to go bankrupt with college bills you have to be tough.

I agree.

 

[Todd&Copper]

My Dsis had a rough start at college. SHe thought she wanted to go to school for architecture (and she had taken electives in HS that helped her decide that this was what she wanted to do), but the program she got into was one of the toughest in the country and she had a terrible first semester. After seeing her grades, my parents talked with her about maybe changing her major, since she was routinely up past 2 or 3 am finishing up projects for design classes and still pulling only C's after so much work. She stuck it out in architecture the first year, but she wasn't doing any better her second semester, so she took a year off from the 4-year school and came back home and went to a local community college for a semester to figure out what other field she wanted to go into. She ultimately settled on engineering (she was better with numbers than artsy stuff).
Her problem wasn't partying, hers was thinking you want one thing and finding out you are not really very good at it (despite excelling in HS).
I think a calm discussion with your DD after her grades are posted is a good idea. She is probably embarrassed a little bit at not doing well and might be afraid of your reaction.

As an aside, Dsis and I were using savings we had accumulated throughout our lives to pay for college (every b-day, Xmas, or other gift we got that was money went straight into our college funds - never got to buy trendy clothes or casette tapes, but also felt I had earned college), so "cutting us off" or "making us pay" wouldn't have been an option.

 

[froglady]

I am so grateful that DD did well in college. She was there with an academic scholarship, which paid 1/2 of her tuition. her JOB was to maintain a 3.0 GPA so that she wouldn't have to work or take out a loan.

We had saved for our children's education from the day they were born, so the money was there. (But it was nice to be able to have the "extra" money for a new car for her, in her junior year, and to cover the trips home.)

DS will be a different story. He does well in school, but could do better. he certainly doesn't put the time in that DD did, nor is he as concientious. I doubt he'll get a scholarship (and I doubt ANY schools will still have them for pure academics by the time he applies) so we'll be paying the full bill.

He is someone that I would make the "no access to grades, we don't pay" deal with. And if he starts to fail, there are some very nice community colleges around.

I just don't want to burden my children with debt if I don't have to do so. But I also expect them to appreciate what we're sacrificing to do so, and to understand that we won't allow them to waste our money.

 

[hegfam]

I am so moved by everyone’s efforts to help me with this situation. Thank you all for the advice.

There are so many variables, I know each case is different. DD doesn’t have a major yet, and I think it hasn’t helped that none of the general ed. classes interest her. The $5k yearly scholarship she has is an academic one that requires a 3.0 GPA average. From my previous experience with my oldest DD and the comments here on the board, I know that’s probably a tall order for any kid, especially this one. But I was hoping that would be her incentive to do well. I think like most 18 year-olds these days, they can’t comprehend what that amount of money means. My oldest DD has small student loans to assist in what her grants/scholarships/our portion doesn’t cover, but I know she’s not the least bit concerned about that balance now and won’t be until she graduates. It’s just a number on a piece of paper, and not one that she even has to look at or worry about right now. I know it will be the same with this DD. In reality this scholarship was helping her expenses more than mine, because it will end up creating student loans for her that this year she didn't have to have.

This scholarship required her to go to a four-year school. If not for that, she probably would have ended up going to the community college first, and maybe that would have been for the best.

At mid-term, we knew one class she was doing very poorly in. We raised cain, talked with the school about options, and told her what they told me (1) talk to your professor, (2) check with the student success center about tutoring/study groups. She looked into the study groups, but didn’t stick with them. I know she’s only going to college because it is expected of her, but I so hoped she grow to like it once she got into it and Lord knows it’s a tough world out there now without a college education. She has always been a homebody, and I thought it would help her sprout her wings, but I don’t see that happening as of yet.

I know like most of you have stated that I cannot put myself into any kind of monitoring situation with the college because of the rules, I was looking for some kind of monitoring situation that maybe someone here has come up with that we could arrange with her to keep a better handle on her progress.

Once again, my sincere thanks for everyone that has taken the time to comment on this issue. It helps a lot.

 

[EthansMom]

The first semester of school is really hard. Not only are kids off on their own for the first time in their lives, but they are in a completely different environment.

If she were my child, I would sit her down and explain that I had heard she wasn't doing so well at school. I would tell her that I was concerned for her well-being.

There are several possible reasons your DD isn't doing well:

Is she attending all of her classes?
Is she doing all of her classwork, including any ungraded homework?
Is she doing all of her reading?
Has she made friends in each class for studygroups and to get copies of missed notes?
Is she partying too much?
Is she fitting in socially?

I would layout my expectations for the next semester. DH and I would pay the same amount that we had this semester, but DD would be expected to maintain a full courseload, with no lower than a C in each course. If DD doesn't maintain a C in each class, then we would not be paying for more college. Also, at least until DD gets her grades up and keeps them there, I would expect her to take out loans to cover the difference for any lost scholarships.

I tell my kids that school is their job. If they don't do their job well, I won't be paying for college.

Good Luck!