Daughter doesn't want to wash her hair?

[CampbellScot]

I absolutely DISAGREE!! When you that age you're simply looking for autonomy. Her hair belongs to her! There are so few things in life a kid has control over...I gave my daughters a lot of personal freedom for all the little things that would not affect their safety and contrary to them becoming difficult teens...I was the envy of my friends...
Trust that your daughter will decide for herself that having clean hair is nicer....once she realizes she makes that choice because she wants to, and not because you told her to you'll both be happy.

I think you are right about the search for autonomy. Especially since this seems to have become a huge "issue". She's rebelling for rebellions sake.

This mom is obviously worn out battling her daughter and is trying to find a way to resolve it. There is nothing wrong with that. She's asking advice and being honest about things she has done and is trying to do. That being said, issues of cleanliness and hygiene are not issues of autonomy. They are about physical health and safety.

This IS an issue of hygiene and cleanliness. It's not an issue of her wanting to have blue hair or a belly button ring. It is a safety issue truly. As a social worker I can't tell you how many times I've seen kids come through social services as a result of a neglect charge being called in. Nine times out of 10 those charges were made as a result of children having filthy hair. They are unclean. When a teacher or a neighbor can smell a kids head 10 feet away, they take issue with it. If a child is under the age of 12 it is even more of an issue. A 10 year old should not be allowed to make this choice for herself. She not capable of proper decision making skills in regards to this issue.

This issue has been on my mind since I read about it yesterday. I think this girl needs to have her hair cut. It would be easier to manage and easier to keep clean. And it would end the battle. Period. Allowing her to go through the summer and not wash her hair is not appropriate. Sweaty, greasy, filthy hair...she is going to develop a scalp issue. When kids develop secondary physical ailments as a result of not being properly cared for, the issue truly does become one of neglect and that would be horrible for everyone involved.

This issue is easily solved. I wouldn't allow it to continue. It's not necessary. Cut her hair. end of story.

 

[TinkerbellMama]

I would tell her that if she's not going to wash her hair often, that she'll then be in charge of washing her bedsheets and pillowcases.
Oh, her pillowcase must be gross!!
Tell her that she might end up with bad skin from sleeping on that oily pillowcase.

I would also tell her that she'll have to put a towel down on the headrest of the car every time she rides in it because you don't want the car getting greasy & it's not fair to other people who have to sit there. (And that she'll also have to do that when she rides in a friend's car...I bet she'll be too embarrassed & she'll finally agree to wash her hair).

Tell her that the same goes for the sofa also...towel on the sofa or she can't sit on it.

Yours is the best response of all. I don't agree with punishing children, but I DO believe in natural consequences! Yours are perfect.

 

[TinkerbellMama]

I think you are right about the search for autonomy. Especially since this seems to have become a huge "issue". She's rebelling for rebellions sake.

This mom is obviously worn out battling her daughter and is trying to find a way to resolve it. There is nothing wrong with that. She's asking advice and being honest about things she has done and is trying to do. That being said, issues of cleanliness and hygiene are not issues of autonomy. They are about physical health and safety.

This IS an issue of hygiene and cleanliness. It's not an issue of her wanting to have blue hair or a belly button ring. It is a safety issue truly. As a social worker I can't tell you how many times I've seen kids come through social services as a result of a neglect charge being called in. Nine times out of 10 those charges were made as a result of children having filthy hair. They are unclean. When a teacher or a neighbor can smell a kids head 10 feet away, they take issue with it. If a child is under the age of 12 it is even more of an issue. A 10 year old should not be allowed to make this choice for herself. She not capable of proper decision making skills in regards to this issue.

This issue has been on my mind since I read about it yesterday. I think this girl needs to have her hair cut. It would be easier to manage and easier to keep clean. And it would end the battle. Period. Allowing her to go through the summer and not wash her hair is not appropriate. Sweaty, greasy, filthy hair...she is going to develop a scalp issue. When kids develop secondary physical ailments as a result of not being properly cared for, the issue truly does become one of neglect and that would be horrible for everyone involved.

This issue is easily solved. I wouldn't allow it to continue. It's not necessary. Cut her hair. end of story.

As a former social worker and therapist, I have to say I disagree with you, completely. Just so people don't get the idea EVERYONE in social services and the mental health field thinks this is a huge deal.

 

[TinkerbellMama]

Well, you know, its not that I really think its ok for her not to wash her hair for the whole summer!

a bit of reverse psychology. I'm tired of the fighting over washing hair. Its become a power struggle. The way I figure it, let the natural consequences flow. If she doesn't wash her hair (funny, she's ok with showering, just not washing her hair) she stinks. If she stinks, people don't want to be around her. Then she loses friends. Life's a cruel teacher, but sometimes the most effective one.

I do like the suggestions here like take away the hair styling things (style greasy hair ) and make her put down a towel for her greasy head, even have her hand wash her pillow cases every night. Once she learns its more work to be dirty than clean she will get the message.

You're doing the right thing. Please don't let the "control/punitive" faction convince you you're a bad parent for making the decision you have. I would do the same...knowing that most kids swim all the time in the summer, anyway, so it's not going to be reeking for long!

 

[Whosemom]

Just a fellow mom chiming in to say....sigh. I think this is a fairly common fight, hegiene in general at the preteen stage. I think they are in TOTAL DENIAL! over growing up. "I am NOT getting smelly and greasy. I AM a little kid."

 

[pierresgirl]

I think the best way to deal with it is to cut it short, shoulder length. I am a hairstylist and it disgusts me when kids come in for cuts and their hair is smelly, tangled and dirty. I don't need to waste my time (and money lost on other clients) combing out a child's hair so I can cut it. I make it crystal clear they must do it before they come in next time. She needs to wash it AT least every other day and maybe she can use a spray detangler so it's one less step. My 7 yo hates washing and conditioning her waist length hair too but still does it. She knows it will smell if she doesn't and she also had to use deoderant since she as 4 As was already said.... personal hygiene is a MUST!!!

 

[CampbellScot]

As a former social worker and therapist, I have to say I disagree with you, completely. Just so people don't get the idea EVERYONE in social services and the mental health field thinks this is a huge deal.

I'm not saying it's a "HUGE DEAL" right now. But it can become one. You are entitled to your opinion certainly. I also said that I don't think this mom is neglecting her daughter at all. But dirty heads are often the first thing people begin to notice in situations of neglect. I was also pointing out that situations involving hygiene and cleanliness or lack thereof can be alarming to people and they can jump to all sorts of conclusions.

I think the OP has been very receptive to the opinions and suggestions in this thread. I did not state that she was a bad parent at any time. I think she's a fed up mom...the same as a lot of other fed up mom's....who are giving their opinions and suggestions in this very thread.

I'm surprised that as a social worker you would have no issue with a child of 10 being allowed to go unwashed for an entire summer. That doesn't give you any pause at all?

like I said, you are certainly entitled to your opinion.

 

[ilovejack02]

I absolutely DISAGREE!! When you that age you're simply looking for autonomy. Her hair belongs to her! There are so few things in life a kid has control over...I gave my daughters a lot of personal freedom for all the little things that would not affect their safety and contrary to them becoming difficult teens...I was the envy of my friends...
Trust that your daughter will decide for herself that having clean hair is nicer....once she realizes she makes that choice because she wants to, and not because you told her to you'll both be happy.

I dont think my teenager's search for autonomy needs to stink up my living room or the car, or gross me out while im sitting at the kitchen table trying to eat. By all means, let a teenager or preteen have a little freedom of expression. I even wouldnt care if my child dyed their hair green and let it grown out shaggy like a dog as long as it was clean. Wear all black or dress like a clown. BUT when it comes to hygiene and stinking up that house... what Mom says goes and I say wash that nasty hair.

I also dont think this mom is neglecting her child, but i can see that in some situations where folks might think that.

 

[meandtheguys2]

I dont think my teenager's search for autonomy needs to stink up my living room or the car, or gross me out while im sitting at the kitchen table trying to eat. By all means, let a teenager or preteen have a little freedom of expression. I even wouldnt care if my child dyed their hair green and let it grown out shaggy like a dog as long as it was clean. Wear all black or dress like a clown. BUT when it comes to hygiene and stinking up that house... what Mom says goes and I say wash that nasty hair.

I also dont think this mom is neglecting her child, but i can see that in some situations where folks might think that.

Well said! Short, long, green or pink, but not stink! Stink isn't a good thing... With 3 boys I have to stay on top of that stuff! Still glad the pool is opening soon!

 

[hollyb]

Why is this even an issue? She 10!!! Your the mom go in and make her wash it. How simple is that?

 

[ilovejack02]

Well said! Short, long, green or pink, but not stink! Stink isn't a good thing... With 3 boys I have to stay on top of that stuff! Still glad the pool is opening soon!

Yep, glad the pool is opening, is does take care of come of the stinky issues lol.

 

[va32h]

For all the people who have said "make her wash it" or "get it cut" - how do you suggest the OP "make" her child comply?

Physically hold her down and cut the hair, or physically hold her down and wash it?

I think it is very easy to say "just make her do it", but if the child is very stubborn, threats and commands and "because I said so" aren't going to cut it.

My three year old doesn't like washing her hair either, and she is still small enough that I can indeed pick her up and plop her in the tub and pour the water over her head.

My 11 year old daughter is almost as tall as me, and if she showed the same reluctance, I can't imagine dragging and wrestling her to the tub and physically forcing her into it. I think I'd like to try understanding why she doesn't want to shampoo before I resorted to physical force.

 

[blessedby3]

For all the people who have said "make her wash it" or "get it cut" - how do you suggest the OP "make" her child comply?

Physically hold her down and cut the hair, or physically hold her down and wash it?

I think it is very easy to say "just make her do it", but if the child is very stubborn, threats and commands and "because I said so" aren't going to cut it.

My three year old doesn't like washing her hair either, and she is still small enough that I can indeed pick her up and plop her in the tub and pour the water over her head.

My 11 year old daughter is almost as tall as me, and if she showed the same reluctance, I can't imagine dragging and wrestling her to the tub and physically forcing her into it. I think I'd like to try understanding why she doesn't want to shampoo before I resorted to physical force.

The parent is supposed to be the parent. What my DH and I say goes in our household. The children dont have an option on certain issues. I would say either get in the shower and wash it or you are GROUNDED from everything. I would take away tv, friends, movies, phone, etc. My kids do what I say when I ask them. They might try and put up a fuss about things, but there are consequences for bad behavior. If they didnt want to wash their hair, but I said they had to, they might fuss but they would be in the shower.
I just had this with my DS yesterday. I wanted his hair cut and not hanging in his eyes. He wanted it long. I put him in the car, drove to the hair salon, he got in the chair and the lady cut his hair. End of story. He didnt want it cut, but his Dad and I said it had to be cut and thats what he did. No holding him down. He is 12 and he does what he is told.
This child (of the OP's) is 11 and should be doing what her parents say. I cant understand parents letting their children do what they want because they fuss about it. Be the parent and have the child do what is right. I see problems in the future for sure with this one. Get a handle on it now or it wont get any better- just worse.

 

[va32h]

The parent is supposed to be the parent. What my DH and I say goes in our household. The children dont have an option on certain issues. I would say either get in the shower and wash it or you are GROUNDED from everything. I would take away tv, friends, movies, phone, etc. My kids do what I say when I ask them. They might try and put up a fuss about things, but there are consequences for bad behavior. If they didnt want to wash their hair, but I said they had to, they might fuss but they would be in the shower.
I just had this with my DS yesterday. I wanted his hair cut and not hanging in his eyes. He wanted it long. I put him in the car, drove to the hair salon, he got in the chair and the lady cut his hair. End of story. He didnt want it cut, but his Dad and I said it had to be cut and thats what he did. No holding him down. He is 12 and he does what he is told.
This child (of the OP's) is 11 and should be doing what her parents say. I cant understand parents letting their children do what they want because they fuss about it. Be the parent and have the child do what is right. I see problems in the future for sure with this one. Get a handle on it now or it wont get any better- just worse.

What a child should do and what a child actually does are not the same thing. It's great that your children obey you without question. However, not all children do this, and at age 10, it's a little hard to just start the "what I say goes" philisophy out of the blue. You can say it, but if the child has spent 10 years thinking that obedience is an option, they aren't going to do it, no matter how many times mom says "what I say goes". I just think it's a cop out to just say "you are the parent just tell them to do it".

What would have happened if your son had not gotten in the car, or in the chair? Would you have physically dragged him into the car, physically forced him into the chair, sat on him so he couldn't get up?

Yes, I'm exaggerating, but the point I am trying to make is that suggestions like "you are the parent, make him do it" aren't particularly helpful, IMO.

Saying "take away TV, computer, cell phone," etc are concrete examples, and I definitely agree that a parent should be willing to do these types of things and ignore whatever whining or tantruming that results. Once, when my daughter was about 7, she went through a phase where she was just continually hateful and disrespectful to me. So one day when she was in school, I took everything out of her room except her bed and her school clothes and told her that she would have to earn back everything else through good behavior.

It was an extreme action, brought on by extremely bad behavior on her part. And it did the job, and while we've had typical kid problems since then, we've never gone through anything like that year.

So maybe the OP needs extreme action - like "I'm not taking you anywhere in public until you start exhibiting appropriate hygeine" and following up on that by having an adult around who can stay home with the kid while everyone else goes to the pool, the movies, or whatever fun things you can come up with to make her feel really deprived.

 

[DisneyAprilFool]

Let's see- with a daughter with very long hair, if she absolutely refused to take care of it and she refused to go in the car to get her hair cut- I would take a pair of scissors and cut it myself.

Most children are not so willful that they are going to refuse to get in the car to get their haircut. Oh, they may cry and put up a fit- true, but they aren't blatantly going to tell their parents 'no' either.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I can understand where va32h is coming from, and yes, if you have not disciplined your child for 10 years they are not going to listen to your threats, BUT- I also agree that you must follow through on the punishment. If she wouldn't get in the car I would become Edward Scissorhands and cut that mess myself. When I was a kid (about 4) my grandmother used to watch me in the morning while my Mom and Dad worked (we lived upstairs from them). Anyway- I had really long hair. Everyday I would cry when she combed my hair. (she was not very gentle) Finally my grandmother got tired of this and took me for a haircut. I had a really cute bob (that I really liked) and no more tears. My parents of course were so mad and I totally don't blame them -BUT- when my hair grew long again I knew I had to let whoever was watching me comb it or I would be getting a short haircut. Take away this child's hair stuff. I wouldn't even give her a brush. You want to smell stinky then you don't need to brush your filth. Look the way you smell.

 

[blessedby3]

Its not a "cop out", thank you very much va32h.
Someone has to be the parent. It evidently should have started a long time ago. If the OP hasnt disciplined her child in 10 years, then today should be the day it starts. You sit the child down, tell her how it is going to be and FOLLOW THROUGH. I dont think the OP would have to physically have to force her child to do anything. Telling her she will take away her "fun" should be enough to get her to do what she wants. No tv, friends, phone, movies, etc. can get very boring and she will do what she is asked. If my son had bucked me about getting his hair cut I would have told him what was going to happen, what he would lose, and he would do it. We dont make threats. If the kids dont do what they are supposed to do, we tell them the consequence and follow through if they dont obey.

 

[chobie]

Because of this one issue you are assuming that the OP has never disciplined her child? Some of us prefer to pick our battles and do not want to raise obedient drones. Blind obedience is not what everyone views as successful parenting. And sometimes kids need to learn natural consequences, like maybe losing her friends because of her hair. You can tell you own kid they stink until they cows come home, but the impact doesn't hit them until a peer says it most times. Having unwashed hair is not unhealthy, it's just gross. Head lice has nothing to do with how often you wash your hair. It's spread by head to head contact.

 

[blessedby3]

Because of this one issue you are assuming that the OP has never disciplined her child? Some of us prefer to pick our battles and do not want to raise obedient drones. Blind obedience is not what everyone views as successful parenting. And sometimes kids need to learn natural consequences, like maybe losing her friends because of her hair. You can tell you own kid they stink until they cows come home, but the impact doesn't hit them until a peer says it most times. Having unwashed hair is not unhealthy, it's just gross. Head lice has nothing to do with how often you wash your hair. It's spread by head to head contact.

I dont have obidient drones. I have children who know who the parents are. You said that kids need to learn natural consequences. I previously posted that my kids have consequences for not doing what they are told. Guess we are on the same page. We also pick our battles in our household, but my point is this isnt one of those. Kids need to be clean and smell good for themselves and OTHERS. This is one of those "no negotiations" things. You do what you need to do and move on.

"Children Obey your parents in the Lord, for this is RIGHT"

 

[chobie]

I dont have obidient drones. I have children who know who the parents are. You said that kids need to learn natural consequences. I previously posted that my kids have consequences for not doing what they are told. Guess we are on the same page. We also pick our battles in our household, but my point is this isnt one of those. Kids need to be clean and smell good for themselves and OTHERS. This is one of those "no negotiations" things. You do what you need to do and move on.

"Children Obey your parents in the Lord, for this is RIGHT"

The Bible quote does nothing for me personally. That is nice that on this issue you would not do what the OP is doing, but that does not mean she has not ever disciplined her child, just because she has a different parenting philosophy than you.

And its not for you to decide which issues are non-negotiable for other people's children.