Daughter doesn't want to wash her hair?

[Who'syourMickey]

Around age 12 my aspie son quit bathing. We bribed, tried everything. He also quit getting haircuts. For a while he wouldn't eat and he got too weak to get out of bed (84 lbs at 5'4). At that time occasionally we would carry him out to the kitchen counter to bathe him. We had to pick our battles at the time and we let go of the bathing and focused on the eating. He is 6'0 and 144 lbs now. He wouldn't change his clothes, either. He would wear them until they fell off his body...months and months. He hasn't brushed his teeth since then either. He has NO cavities! On a side note, all our other children have cavities, except the one who never brushed his teeth. After searching for solutions we finally found the water pic, which he uses occasionally. I stopped the bribing or demanding very early in the game. Eventually just put a fan in his room (which cut down the smell considerably). His friends still came over...they didn't care!!! He didn't have a girlfriend but didn't care. I would go out in public with him unbathed and in pajama pants. I would dress down a little, sometimes not brush my hair to blend in (kind of like matching disney clothes...only in reverse).

We did some medical treatements on him called chelation and he began to blossom with life skills over this last year. Over the years his hair grew to past his rear end. Finally, at around age 18, this year when it interfered with him going to the bathroom, he asked for a haircut and we set him an appointment at the Aveda salon. We washed and washed it and donated it to locks of love. It was gorgeous. Evidently shampoo strips out a lot of the niceness in hair. His hair was so shiny and healthy and will make a very nice wig. He donated it in his sister's name because she may need the hair if she loses her's on immunosuppressors (low dose chemo). His hair did not stink when it was donated and the smell came out after several washings He had been washing once a week for a while before he donated his hair. He will now shower several times a week unprompted. We made this deal where he would bathe on Tuesdays for a while, and he would every Tuesday. At age 17 we made a contract that in exchange for unlimited pepsi, he would learn a new life skill each month. He is 18 and is interested in clothes, girls, and cleanness. So, to the op who's daughter only bathes once a week...believe it or not sooner or later they will get interested in dating and then things really change. My son now drives, wears regular clothes that he changes at least twice a week now, bathes, and is going to start proactive for his acne (very appearance conscious now that he has a girlfriend).

You may say that how could someone who never brushes their teeth even have a girlfriend. I thought he never would until I actually read a thread on motheringdotcom where women were discussing how their husbands didn't brush their teeth...and I was like...here is a whole thread of ladies who obviously knew their fiancees didn't brush and married them anyway and I was filled with hope. Anyhow. His breath isn't bad because I give him a supplement called chlorophyll and even w/o brushing there is no odor. Fabulous amazing stuff...chlorophyll. It cleans the breath from the inside out I think. Oh and we have a great relationship. I could have let my embarrassment over him not bathing ruin our relationship but I chose to look beyond those things and love him through it. We have an awesome relationship today that I would not trade for the world.

 

[Who'syourMickey]

and on a side note. When I looked up donating hair for locks of love, long hair that has been minimally processed and washed no more than once a week make the best wigs.

I looked up a mens long hair eboard and all of those men with really beautiful hair only washed their hair once a week. Long hair is treated differently than short. I can't believe her hair stinks that bad after a week. Maybe it is the products in her hair that are making you knock over. Around here, hair smell doesn't knock someone over until it has been months. There are long hair websites, and they seriously only wash once a week, and they are very specific about which products they use and don't use. It could be that some of the products are causing the hair to get even greasier faster.

 

[badblackpug]

I think that how bad you/your hair smells is highly dependant on your activity level and the amount that you perspire. If the OP says her daughters hair smells, than it smells. Maybe she is in sports, maybe she just sweats a lot, maybe she has naturally oily skin, maybe it IS all the styling products. The point is the OP finds her current hygiene regime unacceptable, and needs suggestions to help her develop a more acceptable routine, not nasty-grams or guilt trips on her parenting skills. What is acceptable or routine in one family is not necessarily so in another.

OP, if you daughter like "styling" her hair, maybe you could reward her for keeping it clean by offering her a wash and style in the salon for keeping it neat and clean for a stated period of time. Say for every month you wash your hair routinely (whatever you think is acceptable) I will take you to the salon for a "professional" style. The local beauty schools here offer discount hair styling as "practice" for the students. I wouldn't let them cut or do anything permanent, but a wash, blowdry, curl, can always be washed out (no pun intended! )

 

[jenlynn0808]

DD9 tried the same thing,argueing over washing her hair, and she has to do it ever night. I threatened to take her to the barber and buzz it off, then I wouldn't complain how it looks stringy and greasy and she wouldn't have to wash it every night. DD didn't like that idea. She washes it every night, now. When she starts complaining about having to do it, I offer to take her to the barber, she usually stops pretty quickly.

*I would NEVER really do it, but she doesn't know that. Once I even grabbed my keys and was headed out the door, when she quickly changed her mind and ran up stairs to take her shower.

 

[Who'syourMickey]

badblackpug-I just found your post to be rude. We are trying to help the OP find solutions. Since her daughter has long hair and to keep long hair beautiful is challenging, maybe going to a long hair website will help her dd get some tips. I just googled "long hair websites". It showed groups of girls and women who came together to discuss how they took care of their hair. The #1 thing they did to help their hair was to stop using flat irons. They don't use hairbrushes, they fingerbrush, wash sometimes with conditioners only, apply special oils like coconut, wash once a week, and treat their hair like old lace, ie be careful not to damage it while getting into seatbelts or sitting on it. If you take it from a hair care angle it may be easier to get dd interested in her hair about how to keep it beautiful. Yes, someone who is an athelite or very active might sweat more. My son is a gamer, he can go a week without washing and not smell because he has limited activity. Plus his puberty is largely over, the op's is just beginning. Everybody smells at a different level but also it could be the way that she is handling her hair and the products that could be contributing to the problem as well as the not washing. It could be that when she does wash, she isn't doing it properly. One thing that the websites for long hair talk about is occasionally doing a clarifying rinse. Sometimes there becomes such a buildup of product on the hair that the hair will look bad even when washed. They do this rinse to take the buildup off and it helps the hair to look healthier. There could be several issues involved that the child could be helped with.

 

[amykathleen2005]

badblackpug-I just found your post to be rude. We are trying to help the OP find solutions. Since her daughter has long hair and to keep long hair beautiful is challenging, maybe going to a long hair website will help her dd get some tips. I just googled "long hair websites". It showed groups of girls and women who came together to discuss how they took care of their hair. The #1 thing they did to help their hair was to stop using flat irons. They don't use hairbrushes, they fingerbrush, wash sometimes with conditioners only, apply special oils like coconut, wash once a week, and treat their hair like old lace, ie be careful not to damage it while getting into seatbelts or sitting on it. If you take it from a hair care angle it may be easier to get dd interested in her hair about how to keep it beautiful. Yes, someone who is an athelite or very active might sweat more. My son is a gamer, he can go a week without washing and not smell because he has limited activity. Plus his puberty is largely over, the op's is just beginning. Everybody smells at a different level but also it could be the way that she is handling her hair and the products that could be contributing to the problem as well as the not washing. It could be that when she does wash, she isn't doing it properly. One thing that the websites for long hair talk about is occasionally doing a clarifying rinse. Sometimes there becomes such a buildup of product on the hair that the hair will look bad even when washed. They do this rinse to take the buildup off and it helps the hair to look healthier. There could be several issues involved that the child could be helped with.

I am still trying to find the rude part...

Personally I have very long and thick hair and it is nearing a compulsion that I just don't feel clean if I do not wash it. It was much different a couple of years ago when I also hated to wash my hair and would let it go for 2-3 days at times. However, once I started to really wash it everyday, I found that I just felt so much better and more confident. If it really gets to be a problem in your eyes as a parent one thing to do is to make her get bangs. These get so annoying and obvious when they are oily that it would encourage her to wash her hair more.

 

[rwrocksme]

My parents went through this with me when I was a bit older than your DD. It was awful-fighting, tears, refusing to bathe at all. Then, one day, a friend of my mom's came by with a new shampoo for me to use (he works at a cosmetics store). Bada bing, bada boom. Problem solved!

 

[disneymom3]

badblackpug-I just found your post to be rude. We are trying to help the OP find solutions.

wow. I am surprised you found that post rude. I thought badblackpug had a great suggestiion for the OP of a positive reinforcement for her DD. The going to the hair salon thing after a certain period I thought was a great idea. I have used a similar thing with my DD to keep her room clean. If she keeps it neat for say three weeks, she gets to pick out some cute new accessory for her room at Target and I will buy it for her.

 

[MeetMrsMasters]

Obviously she spends a lot of time outside sweating to make her hair dirty. OP said in another thread that she lives on her bike.

 

[chipndales]

My duaghter is age 10. She has beautiful long brown/blonde hair, which she loves to fool with constantly, curling iron, flat iron, comb, brush, etc. but she hates to wash it. I mean, I'm lucky to get her to wash it 1x week, and it stinks!

I keep telling her that regardless of how beautiful her hair is it doesn't look right if not kept clean. Once I got so fed up with it I scrubbed her hair down myself--I swear it changed 3 shades lighter! But she just hates washing it. Its a constant battle. I want her to wash it 2-3 times week, which is not excessive for her oily scalp and length of hair, but the fights are hardly worth it. Each time that I want her to wash her hair it takes almost an hour just to get her in the shower, she goes and cries to Dad that she doesn't want to wash her hair, she'd spend less time washing it than complaining about it.

Like I said, it stinks! Its almost hilarious seeing her styling her hair but its so greasy no style would look right and the smell would knock you over. I just don't get it. when I grew up we had just one bathroom and I had to plot and scheme how I was going to get to wash my hair. We have 3.5 bathrooms, no waiting.

So I told her that for the summer she could do as she pleases. If she doesn't want to wash her hair she can go all summer for all I care. While she was in school I didn't want complaints/comments from the teachers (which I never got), but now that she's out for the summer she can let it grow long, stringy greasy and stinking. I don't see how anyone would prefer that, but she seemed pleased. She said "really? I don't have to wash my hair all summer?" Well, I figure when it get uncomfortable enough she will wash it, until then, if she's content with a stinky grease head her choice!

As the mom of a 10 year old, I have a lot of compassion for the daily battles they seem to pull us into. My DD also loves to play with her hair, and recently just had it cut into an adorable pixie bob. She does the whole deal as well, curling irons, brushes it 10x a day - whole nine yards. When she turned 9, I noticed her every other night showers weren't cutting it with the surge in hormones she was having. Her body was changing, and therefore, she needed to shower nightly. Point blank. No discussion. That was it. I'm lucky, because while sometimes she'd rather skip the shower, she understands it's a hygiene situation and there's no room for discussion.

My question is this. Does she have a fear perhaps? Maybe there's a psychological reason behind this somewhere. My DD is petrified of thunderstorms and tornadoes and it's because of a scare when she was younger.

As a daycare teacher, I'd tell any parent who asked me this. Stand firm to your rules. While it is her body, your grooming her to be a responsible, healthy young lady. You wouldn't let her eat a pound of sugar before bed, or not brush her teeth all summer. The rules should be set and you should stand firm. Never bargain, and be consistent. But I would definitely check out any deeper reason she hates to wash her hair. Good luck!

 

[TMB1203]

badblackpug-I just found your post to be rude.

I don't think this post was rude at all either. I thought you made good suggestions to the OP.

 

[Whosemom]

Obviously she spends a lot of time outside sweating to make her hair dirty. OP said in another thread that she lives on her bike.

wow. you don't play nice.

 

[wilderness01]

wow. you don't play nice.

How is this not playing nice? Because she pointed out what the poster said? I also don't think the other poster was rude? Maybe I'm not reading between the lines enough!

Anyhow, washing your hair/body everynight would not be up for discussion in our house. You either do it or you don't play outside or have friends inside, end of story. I for one would never let my kids play with a child that is less than clean, nor would I want that child in my pool. Maybe that is too harsh, but being clean is important and appropriate period. She will get picked on unfortunately at school because kids are cruel, so I would enforce the rules and she would either be cleaning herself or I would be cleaning her. I would also bring her to the ped and have him/her speak to her on hygiene. Fortunately, I have never had to deal with this. My 8 year old will forget sometimes in the winter over a long break. If he hasn't gone outside and is just sitting around playing, I will have him bath every other night so he doesn't dry out his skin. But if he has been outside or has been to school, it is a shower every night. My daughter is great about showering/cleaning her hair. I buy very good hair care products and she washes her hair everyday and swims everyday in the summer. She has not one split end in her hair and it is not dry at all. I think it is important to keep up with your cleaning, grooming and caring for yourself. You can prevent problems later on with your skin, hair, etc. if you do.

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

As a former middle school teacher, I had to constantly remind my students about hygiene. I even put a can of spray deodorant in the classroom that the kids could have access to if they asked privately for permission to use it. I think some parents don't realize how important it is to enforce hygiene especially when the kids start getting b.o. (at ages 9 and 10). I even had one female student ask me to talk to her Mom about getting a bra. She told me that she was way to embarrassed to ask her Mom, but she really felt like she needed one. Another 8th graders' parents called a meeting with me to see if their child is old enough for shaving her legs.
I think its more important than her daily chores and should be considered a daily task. Maybe you two could go shopping for special shampoo and new hair accessories just for her.

 

[crazy_for_the_dis]

I'm really glad I read this thread, it makes me feel that I am not alone. My 12 year old DD is exactly like this. She never wants to wash her hair, but I make her. Then, she does a terrible job (either just stands under the water, using no shampoo, or leaves the shampoo and condition in her hair and does not rinse it out, etc). We get into terrible screaming matches over this, since I can't believe she does not care about her appearance. In our area, she has already been in middle school for two years, she is already interested in boys, and still does not care about how she looks (actually in looking at her friends that are boys, neither do they!!) She has a closet full of Bath & Body works supplies, and the Body Shop stuff, and although she likes the bath gels, lotion, sprays, she still does not see the importance in her hair. From reading this thread, I now see it is a stage that she will grow out of. To give you an idea of what an issue this has been, I've disussed sending her to a couselor or psychiatrist over this (from reading the Disabilites board, I thought maybe she was showing signs of ASD). It's good to know I am not the only one going through this. I can't offer the OP advice, since I have not figured this out myself.

 

[TinkerbellMama]

Another 8th graders' parents called a meeting with me to see if their child is old enough for shaving her legs.

This makes me incredibly sad. Why on earth would a parent think his/her child's TEACHER would know more about this issue than they would???? Do you get tired of dealing with parents like that? I sure would!

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

This makes me incredibly sad. Why on earth would a parent think his/her child's TEACHER would know more about this issue than they would???? Do you get tired of dealing with parents like that? I sure would!

I didn't mind them asking my opinion on it. I pretty much have an opinion about everything.
You're right though, sometimes a teacher is there to teach the curriculum, other times we are there is teach parents how to parent.
I've been asked many weird things....

*"Is my son looking at porn normal?"
*"How do I punish him at home- he only listens to you..."
*"Should my daughter stop running for class president ?after all, she isn't popular and you KNOW its a popularity contest..." (this was said in front of the student)
*"Should my kid be listening to Good Charlotte?"
*"Why can't my son have his cell phone turned on in class? What if there is an emergency?"
*"my daughter really likes your shoes-- where can I purchase them?"

 

[Bethy Lou]

Well if my DD did not want to wash her hair, I would wash it for her! As the parent, you have the last word!

 

[cccm]

I think it is the age. DD9 doesn't like showers and cleaning herself. It is miserable trying to explain this to her. I need for both of us to find someone with bad breath that smells to be able to point it out to her.

I am currently making her shower and wash hair every day. She is in camp and takes swimming lessons twice a day at camp. So chlorine in her hair and she comes home filthy. Icky!