Dating Troubles....Advice Needed

[greenyskp]

So I'm dating this guy. He's 30, owns his own photography business, is very successful and seemlingly likes me a lot. He has a daughter, from a previous relationship, who is not really his, but when she was a year and half they decided to do a DNA test, because aparently the mom... well.. got around. And decided to tell him that, so he demanded a DNA test. Anyway, turns out the kid wasnt his, but since he was the only father shes ever known, he did the right thing and adopted her.

This guy is what I like to call good on paper.

He's so perfect, and is exactly what I need at this stage in my life. Someone secure, who knows what he wants and wants me along for the ride.

Here's the thing...

There is just something missing. I like him, I'm attracted to him, I have fun with him... but when he hang out, kiss, hold hands... I dont know.... just something missing.

Also... the way he talks.... sometimes... would lead you to believe he's gay. And i dont mean that in a mean way at all. Hes just.... well... valley-girl sounding sometimes. But rarely. Its a turn-off.

Im just confused. I complain constantly that no one ever meets my standards, and then I find someone who does and who I like and who I get along with... and there is just no spark.

And i dont want to throw him away... but He likes me... a lot. he's told me so. And he thinks everything is ok. I dont want to hurt him, but im not sure I really want to be his friend either.. and I dont want to lose him. lol..

Any advice?

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

Just one question...where do you keep finding all these guys to date? Please share the wealth.

The Queen of OT has struck again. Sorry.

 

[mickeyboat]

You sound just like ony of my friends. She loves the thrill of the chase, then once she suceeds, she loses interest. She also is afraid to settle.

You're still young (20, I think, right?). You have plenty of time.

Good luck.

Denae

 

['Canes Fan]

wow. and girls wonder why we don't understand them.

 

[graygables]

"Spark" is grossly overrated. There is more to life than "spark". I think women spend so much time dreaming about Mr. Brawny that when we find a *real* guy who measures up, but may fall short in an area, we think we are settling. Another thing, my DH and I had a great start, we were good friends, companions, etc, but 10 years down the road, he's changing and I'm changing. He's becoming Mr. Monk and I'm becoming Mrs. Annoyed-By-It. But, when we married, we agreed to put up with one anothers crap, so I do. Believe me, any spark is pretty much shot around here for the moment. As we grow and change, our expectations also grow and change and there is no out, only through.

So, if you are only judging by the spark factor, I'd have a long inward look at what is really going on and what you really want. No one is perfect, so you have to decide which imperfections you can live with.

Good luck!

 

[lillygator]

but there is something to say for spark (in addition to the other qualities) though, I couldn't imagine marrying/living with someone you didn't have it with. I for one feel it must be there....but that is just me!

 

[jrydberg]

My advice? Don't overanalyze every moment of your relationship. Relax and have fun.

 

[snoopy]

Mom always said its best to find a guy who loves you a little more than you love him...let me tell you how right she was. Men are by nature more selfish creatures so it all evens out in the wash.

Seriously, this guy sounds perfect, and it sounds like you are looking for an excuse to get rid of him. Maybe you have self esteem issues where you think you aren't deserving of a good man, so your way of compensating for this is by nitpicking. Or maybe you have been hurt before and deep down you are afraid of finding the right guy for fear of putting yourself out there again. Or I guess its possible that there really is no spark. This too can happen, only you can know.

All I can tell you is I have been married for 19 years to a really wonderful man. Before we married I dated a couple of other guys, one of whom was a "bad boy". I thank my lucky stars to this day that I didn't settle with him...when you have kids and settle down, and then are old and grey, trust me, the last thing you are gonna want is a bad boy.

Good luck!

 

[palmtreegirl]

If "it's" not there, you can't force it. I had a guy like that before I met DH, he was such a great guy but there was no spark, I tried but it simply just wasn't there.

Sounds like he's just not the guy for you, don't worry you'll find him and when you do you'll know it for sure.

 

[Lisa F]

You are only 20. This is the phase of your life when you're supposed to be learning what works for you and what doesn't work for you. A 30 year old man with a child may not be the right thing for you right now. It sounds like mostly what you are worrying about is that he likes you a lot more than you like him, but that is also likely because he is in a different phase of his life than you are and wants to settle down. The mature thing to do would be to sit down with him and be honest with him (not about the fact that you think he is slightly effeminate though, eek!)

 

[Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki]

Give it some time, but keep your options open. I think time will tell you more about whether he's a good choice for you.

 

[snoopy]

Oops I didn't know the OP was only 20 years old. That changes my advice considerably. I agree with jrydberg -- relax, have fun, see where the relationship takes you. He doesn't have to be your knight in shining armor, but don't rule it out, either!

 

['Canes Fan]

not to mention, just because he's the only father the child has known doesn't make it the right thing to go ahead and adopt her. that's one messed up situation.

 

[N.Bailey]

Best advice I ever got:

Don't marry a man you can live with, marry a man you can't live without.

I know we're not talking marriage here just yet, but I think the same still holds true.

 

[SillyMe]

[QUOTE='Canes Fan]not to mention, just because he's the only father the child has known doesn't make it the right thing to go ahead and adopt her. that's one messed up situation.[/QUOTE]
I've read enough offensive things from you today, but this one I can't sit back and zip my lip about. It hits home. Obviously, he LOVES this child and that's why he adopted her. A man wouldn't have done that otherwise. I don't know this man or the OP, but it takes a MAN to do what he did for that little girl. I applaud him for what he did. There are far too many biological parents who are deadbeats. Your response has nothing to do with what the OP is asking.


Greenskyp, if there is no "spark" I would be hesitant to get more involved with him, especially with a child involved. If the spark "just isn't there", it may never be there and you may regret it one day.

 

['Canes Fan]

I've read enough offensive things from you today, but this one I can't sit back and zip my lip about. It hits home.

then stop reading my posts.

 

[MrsNick]

but there is something to say for spark (in addition to the other qualities) though, I couldn't imagine marrying/living with someone you didn't have it with. I for one feel it must be there....but that is just me!

I think that "spark" is what helps two people get past each other's bull**** (once you're living together and you wonder why oh why he can't put his socks in the hamper). And you don't have to be with a "bad boy" to find someone with whom you have that spark.

I agree. Relax, see what happens. If it's meant to be, it will be. If not, don't sweat it. You will *know* it when you find that special someone.

 

[SillyMe]

[QUOTE='Canes Fan]then stop reading my posts. [/QUOTE]
What you posted on this thread was totally insignificant to what the OP was asking.

 

[JRawkSteady]

Yeah, from a male perspective, I would say stay for a little while, but if you continue to feel nothing, there's other mice in the floorboards.

 

[greenyskp]

Wow. Lots of advice, and I appreciate it!

Let me say a few things about myself.

I have a high self esteem problem, not a low one. Im somewhat vain, pretty cocky and very confident. Being with the wrong guy has never had to with low self esteem for me.

I have however been drug through the mud with the last guy I was with. He hurt me a lot. And i learned A lot about myself. And what I want and need right now. I dont think thats 'holding me back' in anyway. Im over it. I mean.. Im more cautious than I was. Him and I 'fell head over heels' for each other, it was just one of those things. But i dont think its a matter of that.

And last. Yes. Im 20. Meaning ive been on this earth for 20 1/2 years. But as with anyone (and of course I dont expect any of you to already know anything about me) there is more than meets the eye. I was forced to grow up long ago, and I rarely feel 20. So many older than me, tell me to go out and have fun... and do the 20 year old thing.. and if you know typical people in their early twenties, youd know that involves, clubs, lots of drinking, partying, sleeping around.. and a lot of my friends participate in that stuff, but its not for me. I like to paint, and sew and listen to Andy Williams on my vinyl records. Then go see a play, go to a gallery and get some coffee. The people I enjoy those things with are in their 30's. I have friends who are my age and many many more friends who are older, married, with children. Dont take that the wrong way, im not looking to get married tomorrow. I dont know If i ever want to get married. Or if I want to have kids.

Thats just some background on me. Again.. i appreciate all your advice