Dating Troubles....Advice Needed

[The Mystery Machine]

Since he appears "gay" to you, I would not continue the relationship. That is something that would be hard to overcome, imo.

....not that there is anything wrong with that...Seinfeld

 

[pennst8r]

Here's an important question---what are his views on WDW??
That would be a dealbreaker in my book!

Truly--give it some time, but don't ever just settle for someone..or anything for that matter. You wouldn't be doing yourself or him any favors. Sounds cliche, but when it's the right guy, you'll know.

 

[greenyskp]

Here's an important question---what are his views on WDW??
That would be a dealbreaker in my book!

Truly--give it some time, but don't ever just settle for someone..or anything for that matter. You wouldn't be doing yourself or him any favors. Sounds cliche, but when it's the right guy, you'll know.

Him and his friends used to have year passes to Disney. And he likes Disney a lot. Although I think he faces what most of you on the boards face... Disney with kids. Which is apparently more expensive than Disney single...

But yeah... and hes been in my house... and seen the disney stuff...and he still came back!! lol.

Now you see my dilemma? lol

 

[vettechick99]

I married a "good on paper" guy, but like your fella, there was no spark. As you can guess, we divorced a few years later.

Now I'm married to someone who is intelligent, fun-loving, compassionate and we have great chemistry. Remember, the thing that separates a friend from a boyfriend is that spark. You really need it - don't underestimate it's power. It's what keeps you coming back after a fight.

The fact that you are on here asking about him says enough to me. He may not be the one, but have fun with it. He sounds great!

 

[sweet angel]

Greenskyp, if there is no "spark" I would be hesitant to get more involved with him, especially with a child involved. If the spark "just isn't there", it may never be there and you may regret it one day.

I totally agree with this statement. If you get more involved without there being a spark, not only is the guy hurt in the long run, but so is the child.

Have you considered that perhaps it's the child that's causing you to find reasons not to have a spark? I realize that's a bit far-fetched, but stranger things have happened.

It's hard enough to make a relationship work with a spark, I can't imagine doing it without one.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, just because a huy seems great on paper doesn't mean the spark is or will be there.Doesn't make him or you a bad person...just make syou different and probably not right for each other romantically.

You may be a matrue 20, but oyu are still 20 and have plenty of time to fall in love with the right person...the one who "sparks" you.

My recommendation would be to move this relaltionship toward friendship rather than romance. This guy sund slike he has some things to offer oyu, and sounds like he'd make a great friend. He has already displayed great integrity with regard to adopting his daughter, you guys have many commonalities etc. So be his friend. But be honest with him, so he can look for someone to love him for him.

 

[SillyMe]

I married a "good on paper" guy, but like your fella, there was no spark. As you can guess, we divorced a few years later.

Now I'm married to someone who is intelligent, fun-loving, compassionate and we have great chemistry. Remember, the thing that separates a friend from a boyfriend is that spark. You really need it - don't underestimate it's power. It's what keeps you coming back after a fight.

The fact that you are on here asking about him says enough to me. He may not be the one, but have fun with it. He sounds great!

You just hit the nail on the head. It couldn't be explained any better than that.

 

[Microcell]

[QUOTE='Canes Fan]not to mention, just because he's the only father the child has known doesn't make it the right thing to go ahead and adopt her. that's one messed up situation.[/QUOTE]


That is what I like to call baggage. How do you feel about his ex? Like Snoopy said the second time, relax and enjoy your time together, and if he does the girly stuff and you don't like it, you never will.

 

[ashjohnson80]

Ok you're probably tired of hearing advice from me, especially when I didn't email you back a couple of weeks ago like I said I would (sorry!) but here goes. I think spark is very important. If you don't have the spark then eventually you're going to be like o.k. is there something else out there could i have done better? am i missing something? I dated a guy like what you were describing. He had a great job, was good looking, but there was just something about him that just didn't click with me. So I told him that I really liked him but I just didn't think that there was much chemistry between us and he was reall;y good about it and we stayed friends for a long time until I met the guy I'm married to and he said hey you can't have guy friends! bleh. You have to follow your heart. That's my advice. I guess I could have just typed that and it would have been a lot easier huh?.

 

[epcotfan]

Also... the way he talks.... sometimes... would lead you to believe he's gay. And i dont mean that in a mean way at all. Hes just.... well... valley-girl sounding sometimes. But rarely. Its a turn-off.

I totally understand that being a turn off. I dated a guy who gave off the same vibe.I had suspicions that he was bi or in denial about being gay. I wouldn't be surprised after all these years if he had come out. You simply can't force attraction if it isn't there.

 

[snoopy]

I just don't know if giving her the advice to break up with this guy because there is no spark is the right advice.

Just reading here on the DIS on some of the "how i met my spouse" threads...oftentimes people are not initially attracted to the guy, or thought he was a geek or whatever but they gave it a chance and went on to fall head over heels in love.

I really think people feel awkward around one another at first. And we do tend to nitpick when we first start dating......

I say give it a little longer. If after a few months you still don't have that spark, then you need to rethink your relationship. But dating doesn't always need to lead to something more serious...sometimes dating is just for companionship or friendship or just plain fun. Its o.k. to date someone and not be madly in love with him. I always thought of it like trying on shoes, you keep trying them on until you find the one that fits you best.

 

[ziggystardust]

I am 24 and would much rather have a great dinner than go out to a club until 5 am. Its just who I am. My DBF is older, my friends are all older, so I understand where you're coming from. Theres nothing wrong with dating older men, I always have but if there is no spark why get any deeper in a relationship that you don't seem you want to be in. You said you don't want to hurt him, if he's ready to settle and you're not, wasting a few more months will hurt both of you more.

Enjoy yourself, date around (not "get" around ) above all else have fun! You are only young once. (This means doing what you find to be fun, cooking, movies, plays- do it all!)

. I dont know If i ever want to get married. Or if I want to have kids.

Be careful, if you continue- you'll be jumping into a ready made family, that you're not sure that you want. There is a kid involved, so it'll get a bit more complicated later on.

 

[greenyskp]

I am 24 and would much rather have a great dinner than go out to a club until 5 am. Its just who I am. My DBF is older, my friends are all older, so I understand where you're coming from. Theres nothing wrong with dating older men, I always have but if there is no spark why get any deeper in a relationship that you don't seem you want to be in. You said you don't want to hurt him, if he's ready to settle and you're not, wasting a few more months will hurt both of you more.

Enjoy yourself, date around (not "get" around ) above all else have fun! You are only young once. (This means doing what you find to be fun, cooking, movies, plays- do it all!)




Be careful, if you continue- you'll be jumping into a ready made family, that you're not sure that you want. There is a kid involved, so it'll get a bit more complicated later on.

I love children. Dont get me wrong. Im just not sure having a child come out of my body is the right thing for me. Especially right now with me being so 'young' . I dont mind that he has a kid. Im not the jealous type, and weve gone into the story extensively and its a good one. There is no chance of the ex getting back into the picture, they talk and its cordial and thats it. She is adorable, and IF things were to work out, Id love being a mom. Maybe i'll have a child someday... you never know. I havent even met her yet. And I told him i want to keep it that way, because I dont want her involved until its serious. She knows im alive, but doesnt know the extent. Weve talked and we're taking it slow. I just wanted the opinions of some Dis'ers.

Id planned on doing what Snoopy advises. Take it VERY slow, until I know for sure. Im in no rush, and if something better comes along (i dont mean that as horrible as it sounds) I'll worry about it then.

And Ash Johnson! Im in no way mad at you! Ive been busy getting my place together and dating and living!!! Just drop me a line sometime ok!?

Thanks again guys, for once I asked for advice on this board and it made me feel better instead of worse. lol

 

[greenyskp]

Just one question...where do you keep finding all these guys to date? Please share the wealth.

The Queen of OT has struck again. Sorry.

I met this guy through work. He's a photagrapher, and he does our annual celebration. I just started working here 8 months ago. So i missed meeting him before by like a month.

Put yourself out there. I mean.. im freakishly tall, not skinny and kinda funny looking, and i get plenty of dates. The internet works wonders as well. Try Myspace.com its not as horrible as other sites, because its not a dating site.

Good luck!!

(please dont anyone comment about my self image issues.. it was a joke.. thats just putting myself bluntly, i LOVE how i look okay?)

 

[disykat]

Any embers? My dh and I didn't really have sparks at the beginning, but we manage our fair share of flames now. He even has a few "gay" mannerisms IMO - or at least "metro". (He'd die if he knew I said that!) Just when I was about to give up on dating him some of those embers started sparking.

If there's really nothing, I'd give it up - but nothings wrong with dating a while to see what grows. I'd keep it casual for a bit and see what happens. The only thing I'd worry about in your shoes is to make sure he remembers that at 20, you're in no hurry.

 

[mark&sue]

I agree with the others about the "spark". It is hard enough to keep it when you once had it, let alone if you don't have it. If you live with someone when you have no spark you will start to despise them for every small thing and it is also horrible for the other person to realise that you don't feel that way.

I have never managed to get "spark" if it was not there at first. It never seemed to grow but get worse.

Good luck and let us know how it goes. You have your life ahead of you and hopefully will end up with a great person, good on paper and have a "spark" with.


Susan

 

[nancydrew]

I'm such a lurker, but this I HAD to reply to. I'm 42 and my first husband and I had no "spark". I didn't think it had to be there. Notice I said "first" husband. My second husband and I had THE spark, even though he came with three little boys! And it came in mighty handy, too. We've been married ten years now. And through the fights and hassles, we always come back together because of the "spark". There were many times I told him it's a darn good thing he's cute, or I woulda been out of there! Your man might be excellent friendship material, but I trust you won't lead him into thinking there's more if there's not, especially with a youngster involved.

 

[snoopy]

I met this guy through work. He's a photagrapher, and he does our annual celebration. I just started working here 8 months ago. So i missed meeting him before by like a month.

Put yourself out there. I mean.. im freakishly tall, not skinny and kinda funny looking, and i get plenty of dates. The internet works wonders as well. Try Myspace.com its not as horrible as other sites, because its not a dating site.

Good luck!!

(please dont anyone comment about my self image issues.. it was a joke.. thats just putting myself bluntly, i LOVE how i look okay?)

I think its hilarious that you joke about your looks...to me that tells me you are a person who is comfortable in their own skin. You're gonna be fine. Let us know how it works out!

(I'm bordering on freakishly tall too....and with the exception of my teen years when I resembled Olive Oil, I've always loved it! )

 

[swankybeth]

I think you've gotten some great advice on this thread. My personal experience has been no spark=no future. If you feel like things can improve, just stick it out, but don't ever stay in the relationship because you "feel bad" breaking up with the person. Just do what's in your heart and what's best for you.

 

[Poohnatic]

Give it time. Sometimes things blossom from that kind of start!

Suzanne