Daily joke thread......

[Born 2 Fish]

Merry Christmas, Legally Tendered


Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best
wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low
stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter
solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions
of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for
the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others,
or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions
at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally
fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally
accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the
Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars
of choice of other cultures).

The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race,
creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of
computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).

Now go forth and Enjoy!

 

[DaveInTN]

Gee Frank. That was so heart felt. I am touched.

 

[Lil' Lisa]

Gee Frank. That was so heart felt. I am touched.

Are you saying that Frank touched you????

 

[Born 2 Fish]

are you saying that frank touched you????

i never lay'd a hand on him !!!

 

[Total Joker]

i never lay'd a hand on him !!!

Who said "a hand" ???

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Q:What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A: A pool table.

Q: What is a zebra?
A: 26 sizes larger than A bra.

Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

Q: Where do you get virgin wool from?
A: Ugly sheep.

Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A: They all have phones.

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: They're trying to get away from the noise.

 

[mnsprk]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “My wife.”

 

[Born 2 Fish]

The Supreme Court has ruled that this year they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C.
This wasn't for any religious reasons.
They can't find three wise men or a virgin.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas
cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

"What denomination?" the clerk asks.

"Oh my God! Has it come to this then?" asks the blonde. "Well
okay, give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, and 32 Baptist."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.

If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.


Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!



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That’s enough for the first day. Great job!

Have a glass of wine!!!

 

[2goofycampers]

I can't wait until tomorrow.






I get better looking everyday.

 

[2goofycampers]

You have to love British humor!


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little *******.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel,
1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow
of silence. Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only
with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, "I
like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!" and
he sits down. Silence ensues for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says "I
think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!"

Once again, silence for 366 days (it's leap year). The following
Christmas, Brother Paul rises and says, "I am fed up with this
constant bickering!"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

There were two medical students in the lunch-room discussing stuff.

"I tell you it's woomba, w, o, o, m, b, a. Woomba!"

"You're wrong, it's awumba, a, w, u, m, b, a. Awumba!"

At this a nurse at the next table taps one of them on the shoulder and says "I think you'll find it's womb, w, o, m, b. Womb!",, picks up her tray and leaves.

One medic looks at the other and says "I bet she's never even seen a hippo, let alone hear one fart under water!".

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender says, "hey, you''ve got a steering wheel on your pants."

The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It''s driving me nuts."

 

[mnsprk]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The
parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious
and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation,
threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked
and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard
for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I
may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my
inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior,
the bird spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Q: If April showers bring May flowers what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was the chicken's day off.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"?
A: Because they never learned good table manners!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What sound does a space turkey make?
A: Hubble, Hubble, Hubble.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?
A: They suspected it of fowl play.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?
A: To keep his wig warm.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A: Because he had the drumsticks
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
A: He had an arrow escape.

 

[ntsammy5]

Happy Thanksgiving all.

Some things to ponder:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

First Christmas joke of the season.

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"